Are dating sites harder for men or women?

[Frank2thepoint]

I agree, if there isn't a massive "league" gap, I think a lot of women would just be like damn this guy has balls lol. Given that so many men almost never approach women out of fear of rejection. I mean I'd take it as a huge compliment if I was worth the risk to a guy and he wasn't being an ass about it. Rejection does suck but you do get a lot of instant brownie points for the display of courage with a lot of women. Especially since those of us who are average rarely get hit on, so it's just kind of like a giddy awlawd am I really getting hit on, chyeeaahh.

 

There are far too few women that think like you. But if there are actually more women that think like this, unfortunately they don't bother to convey it.

[Danda]

Well in that case if you are a 7-9 fancy a drink sometime? I promise to be a gentleman mostly

 

I actually quite like asking and find it works quite well if they are in a group of girls too. But not at a pub or nightclub where they are all on the defensive. Actually I never really ask girls for a date at a pub or nightclub unless I am already dancing with them and I'm sure they are interested.

 

Sorry I'm a 4/5. So obviously you'd just be dating down to get in my pants!

 

And yeah I think when people are all drinking everything gets pretty ****in weird automatically lol.

[Rydo]

Sorry I'm a 4/5. So obviously you'd just be dating down to get in my pants!

 

And yeah I think when people are all drinking everything gets pretty ****in weird automatically lol.

 

If you are a 5 with a good personality I could make an exception

 

I think women get used to being approached in certain places and have their guard up more then. Being chatty in unusual places is better, my last date was from a girl behind me in a particularly long Costa queue. Apparently work nights are the exception to this as my female boss told me I did well on Friday night despite the fact I only just started with my company in November haha. She thinks like a man though.

[Weezy1973]

It really depends on how you define "easier" and what you define as "success."

 

If easier = puts in less effort and success = goes on a first date then women definitely have it easier (for OLD or IRL).

 

For the most part men pursue women so they are putting in more effort to get dates. But this literally has nothing to do with OLD. It is just a mix of biology and societal norms.

 

Oh, and in pretty much every other aspect of dating/relationships it's either equally hard for both sexes, and often harder for women.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I agree, if there isn't a massive "league" gap, I think a lot of women would just be like damn this guy has balls lol. Given that so many men almost never approach women out of fear of rejection. I mean I'd take it as a huge compliment if I was worth the risk to a guy and he wasn't being an ass about it. Rejection does suck but you do get a lot of instant brownie points for the display of courage with a lot of women. Especially since those of us who are average rarely get hit on, so it's just kind of like a giddy awlawd am I really getting hit on, chyeeaahh.

 

And why would a woman get all giddy about a guy hitting on her at a coffee shop, when the same exact guy who has seen her pics and knows a bunch about her sends her a detailed online message and she brushes it off without so much as a thought?

 

Where is the logic?

[Danda]

There are far too few women that think like you. But if there are actually more women that think like this, unfortunately they don't bother to convey it.

 

Well I'm also 26. In my observations women in my age range have that unique bag of pros and cons, where we're too young to often know what we really want or what we're really doing, which makes us a serious pain sometimes, but we're young enough that we're not all bitter and jaded yet, so we find it easier to get excited and show interest.

 

Of course those are sweeping generalizations, but I'd feel confident putting money down that it's true for at least 50% of women in early/mid 20s.

 

Women in their mid 30s and beyond seem to often be more reserved and have more baggage, but they are also way more likely to know what the hell they want and be less volatile. Again, I know there's enough exceptions that everyone could tell a story of one, but.

 

Anyway, pros and cons to every phase of life and such.

[Danda]

And why would a woman get all giddy about a guy hitting on her at a coffee shop, when the same exact guy who has seen her pics and knows a bunch about her sends her a detailed online message and she brushes it off without so much as a thought?

 

Where is the logic?

 

Well detailed messages are rare for me on OLD. Most of them are basically "hey whats up" and seem to be carpet bombing every woman above a 2 on their scale. The real life equivalent of that would be if the guy went from one woman to the next in the coffee shop with the same opening line lol.

 

I've never brushed off an actual message without a thought before, unless it was exceptionally creepy or rude, but that hasn't been very common at all in my current or previous OLD experiences.

 

However, getting "hit on" online isn't really like being hit on. We're all there to find a mate in some form or another, and everyone is just browsing the catalog. It's very different from the actually thrill, intrigue and personal experience of an in-person flirty encounter.

 

Maybe it's not logical, I'd agree that's a fair statement, but it holds true for me none the less. If I am just looking at a photo and checklist of hobbies from a carpet bomber on OLD, I probably won't feel very enthused if at all. But if the same guy was shooting me flirty smiles in the grocery store, it'd be a different story.

 

And maybe for the reasoning I explained above. When a guy hits on a gal in person, it's a sign that he's brave and playful, and interested enough to go into pursuit. When a guy messages me on OLD it's because we're all there and I look okay enough.

[Danda]

Very well said. The part in bold is what really makes guys go for younger ladies.

 

I wouldn't say it's 100%, since some of it is just instinctive lust stuff. But I'd agree it's a huge factor. My mother was happily remarried in her 40s and got hit on a lot before she got that wedding ring, and still occasionally despite it. However she is often all smiles and very outgoing / fun persona. Cracks jokes a lot and is a bit sassy, but not in a rude way.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

I've never brushed off an actual message without a thought before, unless it was exceptionally creepy or rude, but that hasn't been very common at all in my current or previous OLD experiences.

 

However, getting "hit on" online isn't really like being hit on. We're all there to find a mate in some form or another, and everyone is just browsing the catalog. It's very different from the actually thrill, intrigue and personal experience of an in-person flirty encounter.

 

Maybe it's not logical, I'd agree that's a fair statement, but it holds true for me none the less. If I am just looking at a photo and checklist of hobbies from a carpet bomber on OLD, I probably won't feel very enthused if at all. But if the same guy was shooting me flirty smiles in the grocery store, it'd be a different story.

 

And maybe for the reasoning I explained above. When a guy hits on a gal in person, it's a sign that he's brave and playful, and interested enough to go into pursuit. When a guy messages me on OLD it's because we're all there and I look okay enough.

 

Oh. I have spent a LOT of time crafting my messages and been blown off. Every single message I've sent has been well crafted and catered. No responses. Which to be honest, I don't really care, but still at least a response means you acknowledged it.

 

I'm going to try the cold approach thing. I've done it in the past, but my ego and morale is so crushed right now, more rejection really can't affect it.

 

I'm going to report back on how it goes.

[Danda]

Oh. I have spent a LOT of time crafting my messages and been blown off. Every single message I've sent has been well crafted and catered. No responses. Which to be honest, I don't really care, but still at least a response means you acknowledged it.

 

I'm going to try the cold approach thing. I've done it in the past, but my ego and morale is so crushed right now, more rejection really can't affect it.

 

I'm going to report back on how it goes.

 

Would you be comfortable sharing an example of a detailed, catered message? You could just replace some stuff, as well, like "softball" instead of "painting" or something. I'm just curious.

 

Keep in mind too that you are aiming higher up on the "league" scale. Those women will not only receive messages from guys who are also higher on the scale, but also from a ton of guys who are not. They will by default receive way more messages than a woman like me. So just keep in mind the subjectivity and context of what I describe from my experiences.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Would you be comfortable sharing an example of a detailed, catered message? You could just replace some stuff, as well, like "softball" instead of "painting" or something. I'm just curious.

 

Keep in mind too that you are aiming higher up on the "league" scale. Those women will not only receive messages from guys who are also higher on the scale, but also from a ton of guys who are not. They will by default receive way more messages than a woman like me. So just keep in mind the subjectivity and context of what I describe from my experiences.

 

Yea, I can.

 

How do you know that I am messaging women more attractive than you? What exactly made you say that?

[Danda]

Yea, I can.

 

How do you know that I am messaging women more attractive than you? What exactly made you say that?

 

Sorry I confused someone else's posts with yours. They said they were a 7 going for an 8. Someone else said they were going for 7-9. It was just a goof on my part, I'm kinda tipsy right now and posting too much too fast lol. Sorry about that.

[WomenWubber]

From my personal exp, most men get very few to no messages. I've received 2 messages in 4 months. Both were decent looking from the pics, but I never got to meet them in person.

 

Women get too many messages. I don't think they bother with 1/10 of what they get after filtering. I don't blame them - most likely I wouldn't either if I was in their shoes.

 

I blame the system. OLD sucks. *shrugs*

[JuneJulySeptember]

Sorry I confused someone else's posts with yours. They said they were a 7 going for an 8. Someone else said they were going for 7-9. It was just a goof on my part, I'm kinda tipsy right now and posting too much too fast lol. Sorry about that.

 

Gotcha. Based on your self description, I would say that the level of women I am going for are likely your level and lower with you being the peak. Just guessing.

 

I mean, once again, I don't like talking about people this way, but things are that way.

 

They are also at least 5 years to 15 years older than you, so (at least in my opinion), they should be more likely to respond to a catered message, but meh.

 

I'll PM it to you. Sometime.

[Danda]

Gotcha. Based on your self description, I would say that the level of women I am going for are likely your level and lower with you being the peak. Just guessing.

 

I mean, once again, I don't like talking about people this way, but things are that way.

 

They are also at least 5 years to 15 years older than you, so (at least in my opinion), they should be more likely to respond to a catered message, but meh.

 

I'll PM it to you. Sometime.

 

It could also be a significant factor where you live, as well. I'm sure any woman's inbox is going to have way more messages in an area like Los Angeles or New York City compared to some little town in the rurals of Wisconsin, as far-spectrum examples.

[somedude81]

Oh. I have spent a LOT of time crafting my messages and been blown off. Every single message I've sent has been well crafted and catered. No responses. Which to be honest, I don't really care, but still at least a response means you acknowledged it.

 

I'm going to try the cold approach thing. I've done it in the past, but my ego and morale is so crushed right now, more rejection really can't affect it.

 

I'm going to report back on how it goes.

 

As a woman recently stated on this board, the first message doesn't matter as long as she's attracted to the guy.

 

You're just wasting your time cleverly crafting messages to women.

 

My suggestion is to just send very short messages to women that mentions one thing in their profile just so they know you actually skimmed it.

[Danda]

As a woman recently stated on this board, the first message doesn't matter as long as she's attracted to the guy.

 

You're just wasting your time cleverly crafting messages to women.

 

My suggestion is to just send very short messages to women that mentions one thing in their profile just so they know you actually skimmed it.

 

Yeah I was thinking the same thing, wondering if he is writing short novels for women who might not even reply. That would deflate me, for sure, after a short while, if I was going through that. But if it's just "hey wassup" and nothing else then it's kinda awkward (at least for me, I guess).

 

Something like, "Heya noticed you like skiing, too, what's your favorite slope? Mine's ______." would be perfect, though.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Yeah I was thinking the same thing, wondering if he is writing short novels for women who might not even reply. That would deflate me, for sure, after a short while, if I was going through that. But if it's just "hey wassup" and nothing else then it's kinda awkward (at least for me, I guess).

 

Something like, "Heya noticed you like skiing, too, what's your favorite slope? Mine's ______." would be perfect, though.

 

Yea, you're right. It does get deflating.

 

They're not novellas, but catered and well thought out to elicit a response.

 

It's hard for me to detach myself and be completely aloof if there is even a bit of attraction there. There will be hope and I will eagerly anticipate a response, even if I fight it. Know what I mean?

[Danda]

Yea, you're right. It does get deflating.

 

They're not novellas, but catered and well thought out to elicit a response.

 

Yeah maybe don't go super no-effort cold calling, but less effort could probably help your mood. A woman who starts forming a bond with you is worth romancing. And that's kind of what you're doing when you contact all these different women, I imagine. In my opinion they haven't earned that until they've started talking with you, then you can get flirty and more personal when you're actually feelin them and it's going back and forth. My 2 cents opinion anyway.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Would you be comfortable sharing an example of a detailed, catered message? You could just replace some stuff, as well, like "softball" instead of "painting" or something. I'm just curious.

 

Keep in mind too that you are aiming higher up on the "league" scale. Those women will not only receive messages from guys who are also higher on the scale, but also from a ton of guys who are not. They will by default receive way more messages than a woman like me. So just keep in mind the subjectivity and context of what I describe from my experiences.

 

Hey there XXXX,

 

I also like to ski and root on the Bengals and if it happens in the same weekend all the better.

 

I am not the prototypical outdoorsman, but am getting more into hiking with each passing season.

 

I also love roots oriented music, and like you have a great appreciation for seeing it live and butchering it after enough beers during karaoke sessions.

 

I'm an urbanite transplanted to the suburban jungle and enjoy the best of both worlds now and it seems we might have some common ground. Send me a message if you like.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

That's pretty close to something I actually literally sent almost a month ago now. There's ones I catered even more, but I don't want to post those because they're pretty specific.

Edited December 18, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember

[Danda]

Hey there XXXX,

 

I also like to ski and root on the Bengals and if it happens in the same weekend all the better.

 

I am not the prototypical outdoorsman, but am getting more into hiking with each passing season.

 

I also love roots oriented music, and like you have a great appreciation for seeing it live and butchering it after enough beers during karaoke sessions.

 

I'm an urbanite transplanted to the suburban jungle and enjoy the best of both worlds now and it seems we might have some common ground. Send me a message if you like.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

That's pretty close to something I actually literally sent almost a month ago now.

 

Okay honest input incoming -

 

You come across more formal than informal.

You don't ask her any questions.

You command her to send you a message if she likes.

You thank her for reading your message.

 

^ Those are the four things I would advise changing.

 

You're very well-written and obviously cordial, and those are great things. However, imagine having an actual in-person conversation. It would be far more relaxed and less like a savvy memo selling yourself. You would also be prompting a back and forth by asking a follow up question, not by saying, "So yeah if you want to continue this conversation please feel free, and thank you for giving me the time of day right now by looking at me while I try to talk to you." Do you feel what I'm getting at?

 

I mean personally I'd respond to a message like the one you wrote, so please don't take this as me tearing it apart lol. Just trying to help you fine-tune.

 

Compare it to something like this:

 

"Heya, noticed you love roots oriented music, too. Best show I've ever been to was (insert show here). (Insert reason why it was the best here.) What's the best show you've seen?"

 

Doesn't take a ton of time/thought/effort. It's not a campaign ad; it's relaxed like a normal conversation. It's showing a bit of your personality. You've offered a very easy follow-up question for her. And you're not coming across as groveling, like "Thank you oh great one for gracing me with 15 seconds of your attention." Nor are you doing any compensating face-saving, like, "Message me back if you want, but if you don't that's cool, too, this is totally me pretending I won't care that much if you don't, because I'm definitely not desperate or anything."

 

Not trying to tease hehe just to be very blunt for the sake of helping.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Okay honest input incoming -

 

You come across more formal than informal.

You don't ask her any questions.

You command her to send you a message if she likes.

You thank her for reading your message.

 

^ Those are the four things I would advise changing.

 

You're very well-written and obviously cordial, and those are great things. However, imagine having an actual in-person conversation. It would be far more relaxed and less like a savvy memo selling yourself. You would also be prompting a back and forth by asking a follow up question, not by saying, "So yeah if you want to continue this conversation please feel free, and thank you for giving me the time of day right now by looking at me while I try to talk to you." Do you feel what I'm getting at?

 

I mean personally I'd respond to a message like the one you wrote, so please don't take this as me tearing it apart lol. Just trying to help you fine-tune.

 

Compare it to something like this:

 

"Heya, noticed you love roots oriented music, too. Best show I've ever been to was (insert show here). (Insert reason why it was the best here.) What's the best show you've seen?"

 

Doesn't take a ton of time/thought/effort. It's not a campaign ad; it's relaxed like a normal conversation. It's showing a bit of your personality. You've offered a very easy follow-up question for her. And you're not coming across as groveling, like "Thank you oh great one for gracing me with 15 seconds of your attention." Nor are you doing any compensating face-saving, like, "Message me back if you want, but if you don't that's cool, too, this is totally me pretending I won't care that much if you don't, because I'm definitely not desperate or anything."

 

Not trying to tease hehe just to be very blunt for the sake of helping.

 

I hear you. I can try that.

 

It feels very much like an interview to me as in the dialogue does not start until I get the first 'call back'.

 

But thanks for the advice.

[ThaWholigan]

Hey there XXXX,

 

I also like to ski and root on the Bengals and if it happens in the same weekend all the better.

 

I am not the prototypical outdoorsman, but am getting more into hiking with each passing season.

 

I also love roots oriented music, and like you have a great appreciation for seeing it live and butchering it after enough beers during karaoke sessions.

 

I'm an urbanite transplanted to the suburban jungle and enjoy the best of both worlds now and it seems we might have some common ground. Send me a message if you like.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

That's pretty close to something I actually literally sent almost a month ago now. There's ones I catered even more, but I don't want to post those because they're pretty specific.

Way too much, bro. Too formal. You're probably a bit older, but you'll still want to keep it a tad more casual.

[Danda]

I hear you. I can try that.

 

It feels very much like an interview to me as in the dialogue does not start until I get the first 'call back'.

 

But thanks for the advice.

 

The thing is women are often highly intuitive, so much that we can even read a crap-ton from an online message.

 

Men who are insecure but intelligent often put a lot of pizzazz and formality into their messages as a way to compensate for their underlying insecurities. It's basically like, "Please notice how intelligent and snazzy my message is." When really women often don't care about that. We care about whether or not we click with you on a more personal level. So a long, formal, almost apologetic message with words like "prototypical" and "urbanite transplated" can be wonky.

 

Socially awkward women like myself don't really mind and will usually make an effort to help you along, because we get it. We're like okay, we've got a super smart but super nervous/sensitive guy here. And when we can empathize we find it endearing.

 

But women who are not socially awkward like I am, might not see it in the same endearing, empathetic light. Reading between the lines, so to speak.

 

So you kinda gotta do the fake-it-til-you-make-it thing as far as feeling relaxed and natural.

[Mangina]

The thing is women are often highly intuitive, so much that we can even read a crap-ton from an online message.

 

Men who are insecure but intelligent often put a lot of pizzazz and formality into their messages as a way to compensate for their underlying insecurities. It's basically like, "Please notice how intelligent and snazzy my message is." When really women often don't care about that. We care about whether or not we click with you on a more personal level. So a long, formal, almost apologetic message with words like "prototypical" and "urbanite transplated" can be wonky.

 

Socially awkward women like myself don't really mind and will usually make an effort to help you along, because we get it. We're like okay, we've got a super smart but super nervous/sensitive guy here. And when we can empathize we find it endearing.

 

But women who are not socially awkward like I am, might not see it in the same endearing, empathetic light. Reading between the lines, so to speak.

 

So you kinda gotta do the fake-it-til-you-make-it thing as far as feeling relaxed and natural.

Something about you is very different from the other girls on here Your advice is so straight honest and precise.