Trial separation starts today

[Brenshay]

About two weeks ago, my husband dropped the bomb on me that he was having an affair with his receptionist at work. He wanted some kind of separation from me and the affair to continue. He moved in with his parents and, at their urging, ended the relationship with the other woman, although he still sees her all day every day at work.

 

He came back a couple of days later claiming that he was in love with me and wanted to make our marriage work. Unfortunately, he admitted later that it had to do more with financial reasons and family obligation than anything else (we have two boys, 2 and 7). Since he has been home, he has been irritable and distant. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be married anymore and that he has been having these feelings for a long time. He feels trapped and doesn't know what to do. He has also said other things that were so hurtful I can't bear to repeat them. A lot of this was said in marriage counseling. We are also both getting counseling separately.

 

The latest decision is for a trial separation. He is going to stay in a hotel for a week. No phone calls and no coming over. If he wants to see the kids, he arranges it through his mother. I also said it would only be fair to me and the kids if he did not spend that week with another woman. He left this morning with his suitcase and bag and told my 7 year old he was the "man of the house." Then he said, "Okay, I'm out of here," and left. I looked all over the house for some kind of note or message saying goodbye, but there was nothing. I wasn't too surprised. Any message he has written me in the last week, he doesn't even sign it "love" anymore.

 

The pain and emptiness I feel now can't be put into words. We haven't been apart like this in almost 20 years, not speaking or seeing each other. We were high school sweethearts and have been married 15 years. I'm afraid to be a single mom in charge of a household, especially at night. I miss the life and husband I used to have. How am I going to get through this week, much less if he decides never to come back at all? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[agnf666]

Well, I think you need to give him some time to think about stuff. I think that is what he needs. He seems that he is not sure what he wants to do. So, I would give him a little bit then try to communicate with him. Let him know that you don't want to be a single mother and that you care and love him and that your children need there father. So, I would give him a week by himself at the motel and then try to see what is going on.

[Yikes]

First-off, you are in the right place. Many of us have been through the same stuff. I ended my 17 year marriage nearly two years ago, when I found out my wife had been cheating with one of my closest friends. There are loads of sad stories around here and plenty of suggestions and support too.

 

Know that what you are going through will not get easier overnight, it is a nasty rollercoaster ride. You cannot make someone love you, and more importantly you shouldn't have to. I'm willing to bet that you are stronger than you think. Focus on the good stuff that you have going on in your life and look after your kids. Don't let your husband walk on you, you're not a door mat and you are worthy of his respect. Is there some sort of counselling that you can get into to?

 

Don't have a lot of time today, gotta get back to work.

 

Y

[sjs61]

Just remember you are not a Television on a warranty plan when you're husband feels like turning you on or off. You cannot be a warranty plan for his needs. Ok, you can set standards for yourself. You can do what I did and so far its working. I gave my H a 3 month to come back unfortunately, nothing so I gave another 3 with a solid plan of changes. Now, I have moved on and made changes.

 

I hate it when everyone uses CHILDREN as their defense cause the man/woman isn't happy so why make them miserable as well as yourself. Children will have to learn someday about all this grief. Communication must be lacking in your marriage. Your sex must be the big issue if he went for someone else. Just remember not to get all bent out of shape for this man since he's not thinking of you.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

First let me say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this. You have come to the right place.

 

I am concerned that your husband went to a hotel after hearing your story. After all, his first idea was to go to the parent's house, but they put a quick stop to the affair - he couldn't have that, so now he is going to a hotel. You should think about the reasons he may have gone to a hotel. Whatever counselling you may go to, don't forget to get a good divorce lawyer, and do it now. In many states, adultery can be a key factor in determining how much alimony/spousal support to which you may be entitled, if any.

 

I know you are probably thinking there may be something worth saving, but your husband is not showing signs of someone trying to save a marriage, and it takes two. From what you have said, it looks like he may be is going to some hotel to spend time with his other woman. Before any kind of conselling can do any good, both parties have to want to fix things, and your husband is not demonstrating that he wants to fix things. It's time to protect yourself, and your kids.

 

Now things happen, every situation is different, I do not know what caused the rift between you and your husband, and believe me when I say I am not one to judge, but to me it sounds not only like your husband is still cheating on you, he is also being a real ass about it. Watch how fast he may come crying back declaring his love for you, when he realizes that you are going after half, spousal support, custody, and child support. Think carefully before buying it, and also consider that if he really would only be staying with you for financial reasons (as you said you learned was the truth), whether that is even something you want. Whatever you do, don't stay together JUST "for the sake of the kids", or just because you think it may be better than being alone. There has to be a relationship between you and your husband that is still good, or it will just be hell for everyone - and no matter how hard you try to hide it from them, the kids will see it too. Some marriages ARE in fact worth fixing, even after an affair, but only if both parties want to do so.

 

Sorry to put it so bluntly, but sometimes there is no good way to say something like that. Get counselling, but also go see a qualified family law attorney in your area. Best of luck to you.

[li'l bunny]

I'm sorry you feel so bad. I don't know what to say, it sucks when things go sh*t. I would suggest that you get a sister or girlfriend to come stay with you for the week. Then in the evenings you could both watch a film and chat rather than you thinking about stuff al the time. Unfortunately there is very little you can do besides be patient.

 

You sound like a very level headed woman, I admire your strength. Your children will learn much from you.

 

Is there a possibilty that your H is going through some kind of midlife crisis and thinks he will get his youth back if he is single again?? It is unusual after fifteen years to decide you don't want to be married anymore. When he says he hasn't been happy for awhile, does he mean years?? If he ended it so easily with this receptionist it was obviously nothing serious.

 

Let us know how things go. Please keep yourself busy, don't waste your time thinking about your H until he is ready to think about you.

[Ladyjane14]

Are you sure you want him back? Sometimes, our knee-jerk reaction is to "fix the problem. And sometimes, after a little time has past, we decide that we don't want to. You might want to take some time for yourself and think about what it is that YOU ultimately want.

 

I would say that his "trial separation" is mostly about being able to carry on with the affair, and not have to juggle women.

 

I think alot of people would like to take a little sabatical from their marriage and still have the safety net of home and hearth waiting for them.

 

If it were me, I have to be honest with you....I'd see a lawyer on Monday and find out what my options are. I'd change the door-locks and tell him that he couldn't come home until I decided if I was still willing to let him.

 

It puts a terrible dent in a man's plan to have his cake and eat it too, when one of his cakes won't cooperate.

 

It's risky to lay down your ears and say, "I won't share my man with other women." But generally, if they're going to leave....nothing you say or do is going to stop them anyway.

[Ladyjane14]

One more thing...

 

Until you decide what it is that you want, my advice to you is to be attractive. Be sweet, be nice, pay attention to your appearance. Don't cry, don't beg, don't be hysterical.

 

If you decide you want him back, you want to be an attractive alternative to OW...who, you can bet your a$$...is doing all those things.

 

This doesn't mean you can't lay down the law. What it means is that you do it in a fashion that has him willing to do whatever he can in order to make YOU happy, and to get you to take HIM back.

 

Make him want you. But don't "put out" until you're not sharing anymore. Let him pursue you.

 

My 2 cents.