JerseyHubby Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 For a couple of months my wife and I have really been talking about some serious issues that we have in our marriage. One of those issues is that she has no support system other than me. She has a mom, sister, great girlfriends from college, and a couple people locally, but does she reach out to them about anything personal? Never. It's me and only me for our 7.5 years of being married. I have always encouraged her to reach out to others, telling her that I have and do, but she just doesn't. In fact, when she has any job related questions, she doesn't even reach out to colleagues! Since I am in the same field guess who gets to be her collegial support as well? That's right: me! When I've asked her why she doesn't reach out to other colleagues it's because she says she doesn't want to look weak (Even though she is aware that she has a very innocent and youthful personality), and because she wasn't seen anyone else ask questions of colleagues (except for me who is always asking). Well a few days ago I asked her if she had reached out to anyone to get some support in dealing with our marriage issues (I said even if they just need to be a cheerleader for her), but she said No. After talking about it a little more, it came out that she really doesn't want anyone (especially people that we are close to) to know that we were having troubles, because, according to her observations, "no one else asks for help". She wants to maintain the shininess of our marriage and doesn't want anyone to be the wiser. I asked her if it was more important to her that people keep thinking that we are happy, while our marriage goes to shambles OR that we get as much support as we can to get though this. She couldn't answer. My response to that was this: It seems to me, honey, that your pride means more to you than our marriage. It is very important to me that I know that you are getting outside support. I am going to give you a couple of weeks to be in touch with someone, but if you are not able to humble yourself in this way, I am going to spend that night and the next few nights on our friend's couch. Since our conversation last Friday, she has not said one thing to me about our marriage or anything. Certainly not, "Dear, I talked to my sister." Actually, since our conversation it seems like she is trying to pretend - even around me - that "everything is Awesome ". My question is this: Do I tell her the deadline that I have set in my head OR do I give her a couple of weeks, and then when we get to my deadline just ask her, and if she has not I will go? FYI we are both 30. (I hope all this makes sense) Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I would suggest taking a different approach altogether and encourage her to go to marriage counseling with you. Then there are no pride issues, no secrets being shared that she wants to keep private, just the two of you working things out and talking to a neutral party. I also think it sounds like she could use individual counseling as well, if she is constantly using you as a sounding board. That would give her another ear to bend, and free you of the burden of always being her rock. Just my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Why not a third party; i.e., Marriage Counseling? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 For a couple of months my wife and I have really been talking about some serious issues that we have in our marriage. One of those issues is that she has no support system other than me. Were I to put a positive spin on this, I'd say how nice she respects your opinion above all others. Is this an example of the "serious issues" in your marriage ? Almost feels like you're looking for a reason to be unhappy... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author JerseyHubby Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 My wife and I have been in counseling for a few months already. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 My wife and I have been in counseling for a few months already. Why is it important for you that she confide anything regarding troubles in your marriage to anyone else then? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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