Have a GF, but want to keep friendship with ex

[yxalitis]

I dated a girl earlier this year for about 3 months, no sex, just a bit of kissing and cuddling, got frisky on the couch once, but nothing past 2nd base (or whatever "base" sucking nipples is).

 

Hours would pass just talking, our relationship, and specifically my attraction was intelectual, not only physical (yes, obviously there was a bit of both.)

 

It didn't work out though, she said we get along amazingly well, but she wasn't ready for a relationship until she sorted herself out (yes, that old line).

 

She ended up with another guy, and we let things slip away, as you do.

I think in fact she was dating us both, and chose this other guy, but didn't want to admit that was the reason.

 

Fast forward 10 months, and I'm in a relationship with an amazing woman.

We talked about the importance of friends in life, and I realised I had so few.

Thinking about people I wanted to include in my life, this women I used to date came to mind.

We really did get along well, and my interest in her was intelectual, not physical. we could talk for hours, and I mean deep and meaningful conversations.

So I texted her, telling her I would like to reconnect as friends, asking how her boyfriend was going etc.

She replies back, tells me she's happy to see me again as we do get along so well, and have great conversations.

She told me the boyfriend was a "huge mistake"

 

We agreed to meet for drinks after work.

 

I do genuinely only want a friendship, I believe she is in the same mind.

 

To answer the obvious questions...

Yes, I am extremely happy with my GF, i feel like the luckiest guy on earth to be dating her.

 

[situation described here, despite the naysayers who replied to that thread, we have been happily living together for 4 months now.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/489513-too-good-true]

 

She is beautiful, very sexual (Amazingly good sex!), generous, compassionate, loving, caring, kind, thoughtful.

We love each other deeply.

 

But...how do I approach my GF about this.

I do not want to hide this from her, for obvious reasons...but at the same time, telling her I want to be friends with someone I dated, even dated casually for a short time with no sex, will seem odd to her.

 

She's been betrayed a few times, and trust like that is hard for her.

 

I think she would say: "that's OK honey, I trust you" but really she would be wondering what's really going on.

 

I also do not want to tell the other girl to pretend that we met at work, or some other lie, I want 100% honesty all around, a little lie found out will make everything bad very quickly.

 

My thoughts are to meet once, make sure that the ex is also not secretly holding a candle for me. (She chose the wrong guy after all).

If I get a hint that this is the case, i won't continue with it.

 

However, if I can see that we can be just friends, I'll need to find a way to talk about it with my GF...

 

But how...how can I raise this topic without her getting suspicious?

 

Thinking about it, if she said she wanted to get together with an ex boyfriend she dated as friends, I would be OK, but a little cautious as well.

 

OR

 

Should I simply not do this at all..?

 

Help!!

Edited November 25, 2014 by yxalitis

[preraph]

You are taking a big chance on ruining your relationship with your amazing woman. How physically attractive is the ex? If she's a knockout, current woman will rightfully feel threatened by her. She probably will whether she's a knockout or not, but it would be easier for her to believe you only have platonic feelings for her if she's not all that attractive and your present woman is way more attractive. I wouldn't go into any kind of detail about what you did except to say you went out awhile but never had sex and that it just turned into a friendship and you didn't even care when she got a boyfriend. I still think any woman is going to have their antennae up about it though. If she acts like she can handle it, I really don't think you should see her alone for at least the first few months and always have your present gf there included. The ex may not be comfy with that, but that's one way to establish trust if she sees how you get along and that it's not on a flirty level.

[Dontfindme]

Sounds like you're inviting unnecessary drama into your "too good to be true" life.

Make friends with people who aren't your ex.

[BlueIris]

I think the other posters are right. Alone, this is a bad idea.

But… if you want to be friends, why not just always include your GF? Then you can all be friends, if your GF likes her too. Maybe see what she thinks about it.

[yxalitis]

I think the other posters are right. Alone, this is a bad idea.

But… if you want to be friends, why not just always include your GF? Then you can all be friends, if your GF likes her too. Maybe see what she thinks about it.

Yeah, I'll cancel our meeting, talk to my GF.

Ask if she wants to get together for drinks/dinner as well.

[Raena]

Something about this tells me that you are actually still interested in this other girl in some way. I don't think it's a good idea to try and befriend her unless your gf is ok with meeting her and spending time with her as well. That is the ONLY way it could work... and only if your gf knows the whole truth before meeting her too.

 

There are a lot of "ifs" in that scenario.

[LottaLover]

I could MAYBE see this being possible if you had already still had a friendship with the ex after you guys broke up. But if you have to seek her out to see if you guys can be friends while you both are already in relationships and havent really had a friendship since the breakup its not a good idea.

[mammasita]

Nope, not a good idea. I'd be suspicios and livid if I were your GF regardless of my past was and no matter how great your intentions are.

 

The fact is you're seeking this "ex" out who you've had no contact with for awhile.

 

Terrible, terrible, terrible.

[Tayla]

been down this path. being upfront is best. Definitely introduce them both to one another. Mature adults respect relationships. Sounds like you just need to be willing to be honest and dedicated to your girlfriend .

 

I have guy friends that introduce me to their current dates and it goes one of two ways.... the gal will get snarky or we respect each others position in our mutual friends life. I had a past with them and it has no place in there present. so we adjusted and regrouped in a manner that show regard for the current love interest. heck some of my guy friends have been the best at calling out the shady characters. makes things easier when folks are upfront, respecting and sincerely wishing to be civil and supportive. It takes trust and clear boundaries to manage though. Are you up for it?

[Maleficent]

Why don't you tell exactly what you just told us (emphasis on why you contacted her again) and ask her if she is comfortable with this before you start seeing the other girl again.

 

If she is comfy, go for it. If not, cancel everything.

[CC12]

You've kind of already messed up by contacting your ex and arranging a meeting without discussing it with your girlfriend first. You were even thinking of going through with that meeting and then forgetting all about it if it turned out your ex wanted more?

 

Your secrecy over it so far is concerning, I think. Why did you not just ask your girlfriend how she might feel about you contacting your ex before you did it?

[changchewsoon]

If I were in your shoes, I definitely will not do anything to rock the boat at all.

 

Unless you are absolutely sure that:

 

1. This friend of yours is so important that you must have her in your circle of friends

 

2. Your current girlfriend of 10 months is comfortable enough and trust you enough with this arrangement

 

3. You are absolutely confident nothing else will come out from the reconnection of the friendship besides platonic

 

Ask your heart deep down inside, what are the chances?

 

Best of luck!

[yololin]

You can have the pie and eat it too. Go for both and see how you feel. The girl has come back for you. She will want you more than ever now that she realised she made a terrible mistake. You can't live on with a girl you think isn't good enough or as good for you compared to the first girl. Physical and emotional cheating are the same. Just meet up with the old flame and see what happens. Either way you still aren't married.

[elaine567]

There are plenty people you could have found to have "deep, meaningful conversations" with and digging up your ex, was probably the worst thing you could have done here, as regards your new relationship.

 

This is going to be very difficult to explain to your gf, because why would you deliberately text your ex and make a date to meet, without telling your gf? Even if you do manage to persuade your gf that the the ex made the initial contact, or that it is purely platonic, then all it needs is for the ex to say to your gf at some point " I was really surprised to hear from yxalitis, its been so long."

If you do come clean and say you contacted the ex first, then your gf is going to be pretty upset re the secrecy and ask why on earth would you to bring the ex back into your life, if you are supposedly happy with her?

[scubasteve]

is she comfortable wiht you having an ex has a friend? you gotta tell your new gf shes in the past

[almond]

If you really think that what you describe with your ex is simply a "friendship," then you're deluding yourself, and your relationship will suffer for it.