Depressed when someone is mutually interested

[hejrjeu]

So, I've been struggling with falling in love for a long time, since my ex left me for another girl. I've never had many crushes, but this year has been terrible in terms of me having even the slightest romantic interest in someone. I've made out with two guys in the club and felt nothing, I've had guys cry for me not being romantically interested in them and I've turned down so many. I've had a couple of minor crushes on guys I can't get but that's it.

 

Now there's this guy from my school (I'm at uni). I've been checking him out for a while. He suddenly sits in the same table as me at the library, comments on things that I do and recently started chatting me up on facebook. I am terrified. My mood changes from euphoria and giddyness to utter anxiousness and self-destructing thoughts. I have an eating disorder and have suffered from anxiety/depression in the past so it's not a new thing, but I thought I had grown out of this. My ability to socialize has improved a lot since I started uni and I thought maybe I was better prepared for a relationship now than I was when I started dating my ex two and a half years ago. Apparently not. I have fits where I hate myself and want to kill myself (I don't actually plan on doing that) and it hasn't much to do with the guy I'm liking. It's more about the pressure I put on myself and I worry a lot about weird things I do, and if I appear normal and it doesn't only have to do with things I do when the guy is around. This pain I'm feeling now is worse than the pain of rejection I'm afraid of. Because that's what it comes down to. I'm afraid of being left, but this is even worse than being left. I don't know what I could do.

 

I don't find myself particularly unattractive physically, I'm fit (I run 6 days a week and go to the gym) and there's nothing really wrong about my face. Mentally on the other hand, I'm not very attractive. I'm very neurotic and boring and I have no imagination, and I'm lazy and selfish (though this is partly due to depression). I'm very self-conscious about my limited social skills and I find myself sneaking out of social situations and kind of ditching people. I kind of don't understand social norms and I don't know what's ok and what's not, like unspoken things. I know what not to say and don't make people upset. This whole asocial thingy makes me maybe seem a bit mysterious, and as far as I've heard that makes girls attractive. I'm kind of afraid of this guy knowing what I am on the inside and I don't know why that scares me so much.

 

I'm not afraid of him leaving me for someone else, because that makes him a bit of an ******* (depends on the situation though) and doesn't necessarily have anyhting to do with me. This guy seems nice though. He's not as flaky as my ex and is better at showing interest. I can think rationally, sometimes I think too rationally. I just don't function in social situations and my problem is kind of that I'm not used to these kinds of situations (as in being in love) which leaves me helpless, because as I said I have no imagination and therefore no ability to improvise. My mind just goes blank. Then I hate myself for being what I am. And I don't know why that is bad, because I am not a bad person. I'm just boring. I don't really know how to explain it.

 

I've called student's health services but there are a two month queue so I won't get a psychologist's appointment until at least after christmas. Do you have any good advice for what I could do not to get these feelings?

[todreaminblue]

when you say you have no imagination....and your mind goes blank....do you really think of nothing? what is that like..to not think anything.....how do you feel while you are thinking nothing...deb

[hejrjeu]

when you say you have no imagination....and your mind goes blank....do you really think of nothing? what is that like..to not think anything.....how do you feel while you are thinking nothing...deb

 

yes, exactly nothing. It's grey. The inside of my head is grey. I remember saying something like this as a kid (10 years ish?) when my mom asked me about something when I had been arguing with my sister and I couldn't imagine some situation. I explained to her that my mind is grey, and she didn't believe me. I try to think of something and it feels like I'm standing in front of a grey wall so huge I can't see the top or the edges. I just can't get through. It's like when you have a word on the tip of your tongue, except with other things. If someone says "imagine a pink elephant in the middle of the forest chasing a rabbit with a cigarrette in its mouth" that's not difficult to create a mental image of. But "imagine doing that and that and what would you do in that situation" is impossible.

[todreaminblue]

yes, exactly nothing. It's grey. The inside of my head is grey. I remember saying something like this as a kid (10 years ish?) when my mom asked me about something when I had been arguing with my sister and I couldn't imagine some situation. I explained to her that my mind is grey, and she didn't believe me. I try to think of something and it feels like I'm standing in front of a grey wall so huge I can't see the top or the edges. I just can't get through. It's like when you have a word on the tip of your tongue, except with other things. If someone says "imagine a pink elephant in the middle of the forest chasing a rabbit with a cigarrette in its mouth" that's not difficult to create a mental image of. But "imagine doing that and that and what would you do in that situation" is impossible.

 

what you described was imaginative and thoughtful.....how hard do you think it is to see just a grey wall..to not see anything for that wall to be impossibly high....whats at the top of the wall??????...put that image in your head for me.....tell me what is at the sides at the top...how is the wall textured is it shiny or is it flat matt grey...........what i have found that people who say they dont have imagination havent been asked the right questions or had the right redirection of a conversation so you can open up and feel comfortable doing so....do you feel uncomfortable talking....do you write........conversations are a two way street you have to inspire some people to think....to imagine.....i have not met a boring person i have just had conversations that were harder to navigate in...you just have to find someone willing to navigate...you are not boring ...no human is......i find you to be extremely interesting and i dont know you.......when you hit that grey wall, and you think of nothing....you arent thinking of nothing...you just are at a roadblock......you just have to go round it....redirection is an artform...the peopel you talk to .....need to have soem imagination...has anyone ever said outright ...hey you are really boring.....

 

 

what do you like to do in your spare time....what was your fave subject at school...you are nto boring....dont think that...do you feel anxious at the wall of grey...deb

Edited November 26, 2014 by todreaminblue

[hejrjeu]

what you described was imaginative and thoughtful.....how hard do you think it is to see just a grey wall..to not see anything for that wall to be impossibly high....whats at the top of the wall??????...put that image in your head for me.....tell me what is at the sides at the top...how is the wall textured is it shiny or is it flat matt grey...........what i have found that people who say they dont have imagination havent been asked the right questions or had the right redirection of a conversation so you can open up and feel comfortable doing so....do you feel uncomfortable talking....do you write........conversations are a two way street you have to inspire some people to think....to imagine.....i have not met a boring person i have just had conversations that were harder to navigate in...you just have to find someone willing to navigate...you are not boring ...no human is......i find you to be extremely interesting and i dont know you.......when you hit that grey wall, and you think of nothing....you arent thinking of nothing...you just are at a roadblock......you just have to go round it....redirection is an artform...the peopel you talk to .....need to have soem imagination...has anyone ever said outright ...hey you are really boring.....

 

 

what do you like to do in your spare time....what was your fave subject at school...you are nto boring....dont think that...do you feel anxious at the wall of grey...deb

 

 

I don't "see" a grey wall. It just feels like standing in front of one. Everything's grey, there's no texture, no edges, just nothing and greyness. The greyness itself doesn't make me anxious, but there's a kind of panic when I don't know what to do because my mind doesn't give me the answers I'm looking for.