Cheating?

[martdobbs]

Hi all

 

First time poster and i am hoping for advice regarding the above subject.

 

Me and my girlfriend are both early 30's, together 2 years, no kids, live seperate but stop at each others houses, we are very much in love and very happy and want to do the whole marriage, kids, grow old together stuff.

 

However a few things have happened over the last few weeks regarding others and its highlighted a few things in my relationship and i wondered is there anything that can be done to change my channel of thoughts.

 

My girlfriend is great, she is very different to any other girl i have dated in that personality wise, she is very much one of the guys. My exes have been shall me say more girly and more prim and proper, where as my current girlfriend swears, talks about sex, comments on fit blokes on the tv, loves lady porn literature, been to see male strippers, etc, etc basically does what i do with my male friends, i wouldnt want her to change and the way she is is great, however it does create some insecurities but i am aware thats me being hypocritical.

 

I recently found out that two of my closest friends had a fling a while ago, one whilst engaged (now married) to another close friend, they all know each other and the guy who has just got married has no idea that his wife and friend had a fling. I was quite shocked because its almost like it didnt happen, everyone has got back to normal yet this poor guy has no idea what happened and its got me questioning the whole cheating thing and approach to it.

 

I personally have never been able to understand it, i really feel i could try and work with a partner on any mistakes, but cheating is the one big no no in my book, i just cannot imagine my girlfriend even kissing let alone sleeping with somebody else, to me once the trust has gone then its a slippery slope.

 

I also read a statistic around the same time that said over 50% of people have cheated in their relationship, a stat which i find shocking, i am not judging anyone here as people have their reasons but it also then got me thinking about people i know and that stat sounds about right.

 

My brother cheated on his wife regularly (now divorced) and i would say over 50% of my friends (male and female) have cheated on their partners whether kissing somebody, a one night stand or a ongoing affair. Now these people are what i would call decent people and a lot are good friends, but i find it difficult when i see them with their partners, just getting on with life as though nothing happened yet i know that they have cheated (their partners dont) its almost in some ways appears normal and i may be in a minority but i just cant get my head round it.

 

Now this brings me back to my girlfriend, as stated she is great and i love her more than the world but i think whether its down to a bit of insecurity on my part as i do love her so much and never felt this strong about any other girl or if just the way she is creates that bit of insecurity or a combination of the two, there is always a tiny nagging thing in my head, i would say i am a pretty secure person, i have never had any doubts in past relationships.

 

I should say it doesnt affect me day to day but i sometimes i have moments of doubt, my girlfriend and me have spoke about relationships, cheating, etc in the past and we both say we have the same view, if we ever felt like cheating then we would both rather know beforehand than get cheated on, i genuinely feel that way, however other things that have happened make me wonder about her, a few examples.

 

1) Her dad had a 5 year affair when she was late teens / early 20's, he ended up leaving his wife for this women and they stayed together, i have never experienced that so i wouldnt know but she said it was horrible. However she also still to this day worships her dad, he is like a god to her and although she loves her mum dearly she is definitely a lot closer to her dad than her mum and almost in some ways the way she talks to her mum and about her mum, sometimes comes across a bit disrespectful and as though she holds something against her, yet there is no sign at all that she has held anything against her dad. I also know that personality wise, i am like her Mum and she is liker her Dad.

 

2) My girlfriend is friends with a couple and they all work together, i dont really know them, but my girlfriend is closer to the woman than the man but last year she was letting the woman use her house to sleep with some other bloke they both worked with, so basically they were having an affair. This women has 2 x kids and i found it hard to understand how my girlfriend could encourage this sort of stuff, almost provide a platform for an affair especially after what she went through with her own parents. It wasnt really any of my business and i only found because a friend who also works with them told me, i casually asked my girlfriend about it and she got very defensive and said it was nothing to do with me.

 

3) One of her friends was due to get married, but two weeks before the wedding the bride to be went round to see another guy, a friend of both theirs and declared her undying love to him, they have never even gone on a date let alone had a relationship but she told him she had loved him all her life and that she would leave her fiancee that second if it meant she had a chance with him, The guy said he wasnt interested and she went on to marry the other guy as normal. When my girlfriend told me i was shocked, i said why would she go back to her fiancee, she clearly didnt want to marry him, i know people get jitters but that was something else, where as my girlfriends attitude was 'oh well, she tried her luck, didnt happen so she went back' as though its perfectly normal, i just couldnt understand it.

 

4) My girlfriend was cheated on reguarly in her last relationship yet she always took the guy back, if i was cheated on once that would be it for me and it would be over, yet she took somebody back time and time again. Also i sense in her younger days she may of cheated, she has been telling me a story about nights out, etc and said she ended up kissing some bloke but also her times overlap and if some of the stories she said are correct i would say she certainly kissed other guys in her early days when in relationships, maybe thats immaturity as she was young.

 

I am aware i probably sound very prudish, i am not, i have had plenty of fun with the opposite sex but never whilst in a relationship, yet from the above it seems many people do, i think whats got me worried is that i really love this girl and we are so happy now, yet i keep thinking when you have been with somebody for 10 or say 20 years, i keep hearing things get stale as time goes on and when i see how its happened around me with people i would never imagine would cheat and their partners completely oblivious is does cause some insecurity about my own thoughts.

 

I should say the conversation about cheating hardly ever comes up with my girlfriend but i just wondered does anybody know how i can change my thought process regarding cheating and be more relaxed about it or do i have the right idea?

[PegNosePete]

Your thought process about cheating? "If I get cheated on, no second chances, it will be over" is pretty normal. Why do you want to change that?

 

I don't see the relevance of the rest of your post. It seems you're worrying about things that may or may not happen.

[Friskyone4u]

Your girlfriend obviously sees no moral need not to facilitate her friend cheating on her husband and assisting the affair by providing a place to do it. If I were you that would worry me. She sees it as OK for others it is highly unlikely she would come to a different conclusion for herself.

I'd say your girlfriend needs some work on why she finds it no problem to assist in this behavior. Her friend would surely return the favor

[evanescentworld]

I'm sorry, your post confuses the hell out of me.

 

Are you saying you're worried she may cheat - or you're worried that YOU may cheat...?

[martdobbs]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

I suppose based on what has happened around me with friends and family and what i know about her from the examples given in my opening post, maybe i have a doubt about her cheating? Nothing she has done to me directly makes me worry and i dont think for a minute she is cheating now, but i suppose i am worrying about what the future may bring but ultimately i know thats not something i can do much about.

 

I am a very laid back secure person but these are new feelings to me and i suppose thats where the doubt and some insecurities have crept in.

 

I should say her providing her home for the 'affair' was around 6 x months before we got together so in a way i can understand the 'its none of your business' approach but i guess its the moral side that concerns me especially with whats happened in her past with family and her own experience of being cheated on reguarly.

 

As stated i have a no nonsense approach when it comes to cheating, she says the same but as with the examples given, the reality and actions are very different and i suppose i am concerned more for the future than for now.

[evanescentworld]

Cheating 'wont the problem.

The reasons for cheating, will be the problem.

 

Eliminate the reasons, and you eliminate the worries.

[QueenBuzz]

This girl sounds a LOT like me. One of the guys, very open sexually. My Dad had an affair and ended up marrying the woman too (I did resent him for a little while but have gotten over it and love him dearly and am a lot closer to him than my Mom). But I would never condone a friend cheating on their spouse at MY place. It's one thing knowing your friends have cheated and still staying friends with them, it's totally another thing to give them the means to perform the act. That's a red flag to me.

 

The other stuff...when people are young they do stupid things. I wouldn't worry about that stuff too much. As far as her relationship with her father...she may have resented him for awhile and just prefers not to discuss or admit that. I don't really talk about the period (about a year) when me and my Dad had a falling out. And we are very very close now.

 

The guy I am with now is causing me to feel insecure about the whole long-term thing too, which I have never had an issue with before. I just feel like being with one person for so long is bound to get boring for one party or the other at some point, ya know? What do they call it, the 7 year itch? I know I had it with my ex-husband (I did not cheat though I really wanted to).

 

Good luck!

[lolablue17]

Girly girls can cheat, also girls that their parents was faithful can cheat. And i can tell you from personal acquaintance, Also girls who preach passionately against cheating can cheat, and also girls who were 100% that they will never ever cheat - they've cheated.

 

You try to create some certainty or theory that will help you predict... But in the end, there isn't one.

 

Only one thing can help a little but not perfectly, BC it's not always true - Your guts! your guts know more than any theory you'll create.

Edited November 26, 2014 by lolablue17

[drifter777]

I see you as confused, suspicious, and wondering why you are feeling this way. The knowledge of how rampant cheating is in the general population scares the hell out of you. Your personal knowledge of cheating among your friends & acquaintances scares the hell out of you. And you are not articulating it, but your girlfriend's moral's are a bit loose and her boundaries sound like they are not what you are comfortable with.

 

You say you love her and that makes all of this even more scary. The thing you must do is tell her all of this. You must make sure she understands how all of these factors are contributing to your insecurities and you need her help to resolve these feelings. If she isn't willing or able to give you what you need then cut your losses and end the relationship. Moving forward with someone you feel you can't trust is like walking into a fire and hoping you don't get burned. It's just not realistic.

 

Know that there are plenty of women out there who have the moral character and boundaries with male friends that help you feel secure. And the fact is that they might cheat on you anyway. It's always a crap-shoot, but you can reduce the odds of being betrayed by just acknowledging your feelings and having the courage to not settle for a girl who makes you feel insecure.

[elaine567]

Her boundaries and her tolerance for cheating seem a bit lax.

 

If you have a zero tolerance attitude to cheating, I think you have make it perfectly clear to her that if she cheats she is OUT, and be completely convinced in your own mind that that is exactly how you would act. She may or may not cheat regardless, but at least you have clarified your position here and that you will not tolerate her cheating on you.

 

If you feel "well, maybe I would give her another chance if she cheated" or " I would work and work to make our relationship better if she cheated" then do NOT set zero tolerance boundaries you know you cannot deliver, as that will immediately put you in a weak position if she does cheat.

 

YOU: If you cheat you are definitely OUT.

Her: I cheated with a guy at work.

YOU: Oh dear, I am so hurt, we can talk about this.

Her to OM: It's OK, we can lay low for a while, he's not going to chuck me out...

[Darren Steez]

Personally see nothing wrong. You're over thinking and using the very same traits that probably attracted you to her and using them against her.

 

Enjoy your dating.