Why does my ex OW still want to stay in touch with me?

[jackslife]

I’ve started a couple of threads on here before regarding my affair. However now being at the tail end of it I have a couple of things I can’t quite get my head around. So I thought the advice of OW’s (and anybody else with an intelligent opinion) would help me.

 

I also think that there is a degree of just wanting to unburden.

 

Summary: I’ve had an affair for over 2 years. We met on a dating website for married people looking for an affair. The first 18 months (until last Christmas) were the usual afternoon in a hotel affair, but over this time we fell in love, and then my AP kicked out her husband. She was unhappy in the marriage and ended it. Obviously the dynamic of the relationship changed. I was married but she was now single. We unsuccessfully tried to end it and for the next 5 months we continued to see each other. I’ve been in turmoil since then about whether to end my marriage or not (as posted on previous threads). She dated for a while and we went NC over the summer. That nearly destroyed me. I was depressed and this whole thing was taking its toll on my marriage.

 

She got back in contact in September – she’d seen someone but felt awful because she wanted to be with me all the time. Since then we have been in virtually daily continual contact. Lots of entreaties of Love, filthy texts, chat, but because of the distance we are apart seeing each other was very difficult.

 

We were having lots of highs and lows because she was single and should be dating and unhappy with not being able to have me to herself. But over the past 6 weeks those little alarm bells were ringing. I wouldn’t hear off her at all of some evenings, talks of meals out but no detail, moaning about her husband turning up unannounced when “she could have someone around”. Being the MM and her being single I knew that I had no right to question her and part of me didn’t want to know to be honest (what the head doesn’t know the heart won’t grieve about.)

 

A month ago we spent the weekend together and had a lovely time, lots of great sex, meals out, cuddles by the fire. I was working away a few weeks later and asked her to join me. And for the first time she declined. She said she was jealous of my wife and my situation. She loved me, wanted to be with me but wasn’t prepared to share me anymore. Since then the texts and phone calls have been just as intense and regular. She continually tells me she loves me but wishes that our relationship wasn’t so important to her.

 

Over the past week the tone of her texts has changed, it’s hard to describe but when you’ve been in touch for so long, you pick up the stopping of greetings and night and in the morning, kisses missing off messages and worse still phone calls not picked up or returned.

 

The weekend just gone, we ended with our usual I love you’s on Friday, but for related reasons (which is related to this but I don’t want to go into now as it will skew the thread), I couldn’t contact her at all. Monday morning I had a barrage of texts asking what had happened, had I decided to end it and not tell her? Really flustered stuff, she was clearly upset.

 

I spoke to her Monday about why I hadn’t been in touch. During the chat she told me she was having to settle for second best. I asked her what she meant. She told me she was seeing someone, he’d met her two children, he was bit too into her, but after her negligent husband and this year she felt she deserved it. She said it was a horrible thing to say but if I was available she’d drop him like a second to be with me. She told me she loved me, I was her best friend and her soul mate but I was married.

 

I was gutted but what could I do? Clearly I was right about her seeing someone. I have to say I was pissed off though, I think the weekend she saw me she’d seen him the night before. I can see the irony here, but I haven’t had sex with my wife for over 4 years and have been with her exclusively for the past 2+ years.

 

So finally my question, she still texts me, we still talk, but why?

 

Why is she doing this?

 

Why if she is dating someone does she still want to be in touch with me Why am I being told about the ex-husband and the children and still hearing about her life and joking with her?

 

I’m not sure what to do now. When those texts ping in they are like little caffeine or nicotine hits. Have I become the dumped boyfriend who is kept in touch with (but I could be with her if I left my wife so that’s not an accurate analogy).

 

I want to send a real whiny, angry, rant about how could she be dishonest about her reasons for not seeing me (she wasn’t jealous of my wife, she was actually seeing someone else – I know, I know it’s ironic), how could she move on but not tell me she was etc. etc. but I don’t want to become the pathetic, green eyed, sobbing ex. I want to keep my dignity here.

 

Wanted to know what you thought about why and what I should do next?

[jbrent890]

Why don't you just leave your wife? Don't you think she deserves better than this?

[tillytulip]

I think it's time you make the choice. If you're truly unhappy with your marriage then i suggest you end it. But leave the OW out of it, make sure you're doing it because you don't wish to be with your wife any more and not because of the OW. Though if you wish to keep your marriage going then please learn to let go, cut your ties, stop giving the OW any false hope and just focus on your marriage from now on. You do not have the right to jealous, she is single and you're not. She is trying to move on after her divorce but she's still holding on to the possibility that things will work out with you. So if you can't give her the happiness she needs then leave the opportunity to someone else. Wish you all the best!

[truncated]

I know you may not want to hear this, but please think about it before dismissing it.

 

it sounds like you are both users. You are using your wife to meet some of your needs, and your ow to meet others. you don't want to give either of them up.

 

She is using you to meet some of her needs, and now, she is using this new guy to meet other needs. I have a feeling he doesn't know she is seeing a married man and and ended her marriage to be with him, and would drop this new guy in a minute should you give the word.

 

If that sounds accurate, then think about what that tells you, and think about if that's really who you are. If it's not, then do something about it.

 

Stop worrying about your other woman. She is a big girl, and is doing what people do. They move on.

 

Also consider the fact that terms like "soul mate" are being brought out. Everythime I hear that, it ironically speaks of a relationship being at a very immature level nthat's based on drama. Take that away, and what are you left with?

[jackslife]

Also consider the fact that terms like "soul mate" are being brought out. Everythime I hear that, it ironically speaks of a relationship being at a very immature level nthat's based on drama. Take that away, and what are you left with?

 

 

The only thing I'd correct is the above - she never mentioned us being soul mates, I used that awful term when she listed all the things we had in common.

 

I posted on this part of the site, to try and get an idea from the OW point of view. I was hoping to get their feedback rather than the reems of bitter abuse from BS's. (not that I'm saying you are) You did make a couple of interesting points.

[GirlStillStrong]

Are you mentally challenged or something? Not to be mean but seriously, what kind of question is that after all you have described has gone on between you and OW? Why does she want to stay in touch with you? Because she is in love with you. Why is she telling you about him? Because she hopes it will move you to action to do the right thing here which is to leave your wife and move the **** on. Why do people always think that it is best to drag this **** out years and years and years? TWO YEARS you have been denying your wife sex and STILL you will not release her from this marriage to find someone else and have a fully present partner? Why? Because of your FEELINGS? Ridiculous. Quit feeling sorry for people; it is a complete and total insult. Get a therapist.

[waterwoman]

She loves you. She wants you to leave your wife. She is acting out of desperation. It's not complex.

 

Please leave your wife. You have nothing but contempt for her it seems and you are doing her no favours by deigning to stay with her. BTW thanks for the dig about bitter abuse from BS - many of us genuinely tried to offer advice to you but hey.... I guess you regard all BS with the same contempt you show your wife.

[jackslife]

TWO YEARS you have been denying your wife sex

 

My wife lost interest in sex four years + ago, so I haven't denied her that.

 

I can't argue with your other points though.

[eye of the storm]

OW here. She was honest about why she is still contacting you.

 

She told you she would dump the other guy for you if you would just end your marriage. She is still keeping in touch to keep her foot in the door.

 

And you are 100% correct, you have no right to tell her who she can or cannot see, date, or sleep with. You are a MM.

 

So you either need to make peace with the status quo or make a change.

[blondie51]

Did you ever discuss this before her breakup?

My MM just asked me yesterday, about what we would do if one of us became single. He told me if I seperated, he would leave his wife because knowing I was out there waiting for him, he said he wouldn't make me go through that. Why haven't you left your wife? Do you still love her? What are your fears in leaving her?

I think your OW is trying to get you jealous and trying to scare you. I think she wants you to see that if you dont leave your wife, she will be with someone else. She is trying to force your hand. There may not even be another man. She wants you, she is just using this guy for these reasons. Thats my opinion.

[GirlStillStrong]

My wife lost interest in sex four years + ago, so I haven't denied her that.

 

I can't argue with your other points though.

This is just wrong. One or both of you needs to see a doctor. You are wasting time. You can never get these years back.

[FusionCutter]

From one dude to another...You're kind of a jerk. Your OW is looking for one of two things. For you to have the balls to say:

 

1. "I'm really sorry. I need to end this with you permanently."

2. "I've decided to change my life and leave my wife."

 

Be a man and tell her one of those two things. Be a man and make a decision instead of selfishly worrying if your OW still adores you - don't worry, she does.

[FusionCutter]

 

I want to send a real whiny, angry, rant about how could she be dishonest about her reasons for not seeing me (she wasn’t jealous of my wife, she was actually seeing someone else – I know, I know it’s ironic), how could she move on but not tell me she was etc. etc. but I don’t want to become the pathetic, green eyed, sobbing ex. I want to keep my dignity here.

 

Wanted to know what you thought about why and what I should do next?

 

Two points:

 

1. She could be dishonest to your face all day long and people would still be on her side.

 

2. It's kind of a little late for dignity is it not? If you want it all back make a decision that respects both women in your life fairly. From an outsider's perspective you are being crazy selfish - I think the people would agree here.

 

Good luck and I hope you make some mature choices soon.

[cif]

So finally my question, she still texts me, we still talk, but why?

 

Why is she doing this?

 

Why if she is dating someone does she still want to be in touch with me Why am I being told about the ex-husband and the children and still hearing about her life and joking with her?

 

 

Because she is holding on to hope that you will choose her. That you will do what your heart is telling you (and seriously 4 years no sex does not a marriage make, i couldn't go 4 days) and end your farce of a marriage.

 

Be warned as time goes on and her feelings will become stronger for other guy and weaker for you. She will slowly fade out of your life.

 

 

 

I’m not sure what to do now. When those texts ping in they are like little caffeine or nicotine hits. Have I become the dumped boyfriend who is kept in touch with (but I could be with her if I left my wife so that’s not an accurate analogy).

 

No. You're the MARRIED MAN that CHOSE/CONTINUES TO CHOOSE to stay with his wife.

 

 

Wanted to know what you thought about why and what I should do next?

 

Leave her alone. Let her move on with her life. Stop being a selfish and greedy cake eater.

[jackslife]

Thank you for those replies. They were both brutal to read but also on the ball.

 

This has been going on for far too long now. You were right, I was asking the wrong question really.

 

I've been prevaricating about making this decision for far, far too long. My wife needs to know and I need to shine a very bright spotlight on my marriage.

 

I'll need to decide whether to come back on here and give a progress report.

 

Thank you again for your responses, often a bucket of cold water or a kick up the arse is better than having your hand held and saying "aahhhh"

 

In case you are thinking this is a very quick decision between logging on this morning, it isn't. Of course I've known I was being unfair to both women for a long time and have mulled this all over for a long time. But there comes a time when you have to man the **** up, make a decision and face the consequence of your actions.

 

Jack

[Wondering33]

As the MOW, the reason I like to talk to the MOM (even though it's over) is because I care about him. I've known for a long time that we would never be together & all the wrongs, but I'll always care about him. I don't want to talk everyday but if we run into each other or a message here or there knowing he's doing well, makes me happy for him. I'm not arguing wrong or right but just my personal feeling of why in my situation.

[Poppy47]

She loves you.

 

She wants you to choose her. It's killing her that you are still with your wife and she is trying to escape from you by dating other people.

 

I did the same. He never left , but I had to because it took a toll on my entire life and well being.

 

Choose one or the other. You were happy to play around with the OW but now it's become serious you are being cowardly.

 

Poppy

[Baby123]

I disagree with the posts here, I think she's moving on, but she wants to blameshift onto you (which is where the responsibility lies.)

 

I think her hearts not in it with you anymore but she comes back to you out of habit and reassurance- but now she's single she's waiting no longer. So the ball is in your court temporarily, but sooner rather than later I think you'll loose her to the other man if you don't take action.

[AlwaysGrowing]

What I would point out to you is this......

 

The OW still has very poor life skills if she still justifies using other people to soothe her ego.

 

Whatever her reasons were for cheating on her husband kinda fall away, when in her next relationship with a new person...she does the exact same thing to him. Keeping him around until something better shows up.

 

It shows exactly how she treats other people.

[beach]

To use you?

 

Sure, if you allow it...she can still get her ego stroked on some level.

[violet1]

Thank you for those replies. They were both brutal to read but also on the ball.

 

This has been going on for far too long now. You were right, I was asking the wrong question really.

 

I've been prevaricating about making this decision for far, far too long. My wife needs to know and I need to shine a very bright spotlight on my marriage.

 

I'll need to decide whether to come back on here and give a progress report.

 

Thank you again for your responses, often a bucket of cold water or a kick up the arse is better than having your hand held and saying "aahhhh"

 

In case you are thinking this is a very quick decision between logging on this morning, it isn't. Of course I've known I was being unfair to both women for a long time and have mulled this all over for a long time. But there comes a time when you have to man the **** up, make a decision and face the consequence of your actions.

 

Jack

 

 

Are you going to discuss marital problems with your wife? Or are you going to tell your wife about the affair?

 

 

I don't agree with it, but I completely understand why you've been fence sitting. Divorce is scary no matter how good or bad the marriage is. I think you've been paralyzed by fear. However, it's time for you to stop being afraid of the unknown and make a decision. I'm also happy you are starting to realize what you've been doing is unfair to both women.

 

 

Good luck!!

[violet1]

I disagree with the posts here, I think she's moving on, but she wants to blameshift onto you (which is where the responsibility lies.)

 

I think her hearts not in it with you anymore but she comes back to you out of habit and reassurance- but now she's single she's waiting no longer. So the ball is in your court temporarily, but sooner rather than later I think you'll loose her to the other man if you don't take action.

I somewhat agree with is. I don't think she's moved on. I think she's trying to detach though. That's my guess to why she stopped saying I love you, ending conversations without the hugs and kisses. These are things I did when I unsuccessfully tried to end things with my XMM before my D Day.

[herself]

I’ve started a couple of threads on here before regarding my affair. However now being at the tail end of it I have a couple of things I can’t quite get my head around. So I thought the advice of OW’s (and anybody else with an intelligent opinion) would help me.

 

I also think that there is a degree of just wanting to unburden.

 

Summary: I’ve had an affair for over 2 years. We met on a dating website for married people looking for an affair. The first 18 months (until last Christmas) were the usual afternoon in a hotel affair, but over this time we fell in love, and then my AP kicked out her husband. She was unhappy in the marriage and ended it. Obviously the dynamic of the relationship changed. I was married but she was now single. We unsuccessfully tried to end it and for the next 5 months we continued to see each other. I’ve been in turmoil since then about whether to end my marriage or not (as posted on previous threads). She dated for a while and we went NC over the summer. That nearly destroyed me. I was depressed and this whole thing was taking its toll on my marriage.

 

She got back in contact in September – she’d seen someone but felt awful because she wanted to be with me all the time. Since then we have been in virtually daily continual contact. Lots of entreaties of Love, filthy texts, chat, but because of the distance we are apart seeing each other was very difficult.

 

We were having lots of highs and lows because she was single and should be dating and unhappy with not being able to have me to herself. But over the past 6 weeks those little alarm bells were ringing. I wouldn’t hear off her at all of some evenings, talks of meals out but no detail, moaning about her husband turning up unannounced when “she could have someone around”. Being the MM and her being single I knew that I had no right to question her and part of me didn’t want to know to be honest (what the head doesn’t know the heart won’t grieve about.)

 

A month ago we spent the weekend together and had a lovely time, lots of great sex, meals out, cuddles by the fire. I was working away a few weeks later and asked her to join me. And for the first time she declined. She said she was jealous of my wife and my situation. She loved me, wanted to be with me but wasn’t prepared to share me anymore. Since then the texts and phone calls have been just as intense and regular. She continually tells me she loves me but wishes that our relationship wasn’t so important to her.

 

Over the past week the tone of her texts has changed, it’s hard to describe but when you’ve been in touch for so long, you pick up the stopping of greetings and night and in the morning, kisses missing off messages and worse still phone calls not picked up or returned.

 

The weekend just gone, we ended with our usual I love you’s on Friday, but for related reasons (which is related to this but I don’t want to go into now as it will skew the thread), I couldn’t contact her at all. Monday morning I had a barrage of texts asking what had happened, had I decided to end it and not tell her? Really flustered stuff, she was clearly upset.

 

I spoke to her Monday about why I hadn’t been in touch. During the chat she told me she was having to settle for second best. I asked her what she meant. She told me she was seeing someone, he’d met her two children, he was bit too into her, but after her negligent husband and this year she felt she deserved it. She said it was a horrible thing to say but if I was available she’d drop him like a second to be with me. She told me she loved me, I was her best friend and her soul mate but I was married.

 

I was gutted but what could I do? Clearly I was right about her seeing someone. I have to say I was pissed off though, I think the weekend she saw me she’d seen him the night before. I can see the irony here, but I haven’t had sex with my wife for over 4 years and have been with her exclusively for the past 2+ years.

 

So finally my question, she still texts me, we still talk, but why?

 

Why is she doing this?

 

Why if she is dating someone does she still want to be in touch with me Why am I being told about the ex-husband and the children and still hearing about her life and joking with her?

 

I’m not sure what to do now. When those texts ping in they are like little caffeine or nicotine hits. Have I become the dumped boyfriend who is kept in touch with (but I could be with her if I left my wife so that’s not an accurate analogy).

 

I want to send a real whiny, angry, rant about how could she be dishonest about her reasons for not seeing me (she wasn’t jealous of my wife, she was actually seeing someone else – I know, I know it’s ironic), how could she move on but not tell me she was etc. etc. but I don’t want to become the pathetic, green eyed, sobbing ex. I want to keep my dignity here.

 

Wanted to know what you thought about why and what I should do next?

 

Real simple...you dont want to choose her but you can't let her go...

Let her be free. Tell her once and for all you cant leave...you dont choose her, then block and let her date. She ended her M for you, you didnt...not couldn't...wouldn't.

Now stop trying to have it both ways. She needs to be free to build a new life...not have a boyfriend whos married trying to string her along.

Stop it. You're married. Now go be married to the wife you CHOOSE to stay with.

[whichwayisup]

Why if she is dating someone does she still want to be in touch with me Why am I being told about the ex-husband and the children and still hearing about her life and joking with her?

 

You're continuing to live your life with your wife, right? You seem to have no plans on divorcing and being with your OW full time, so SHE is dating others, has a potential good guy she likes and he's into her so she is gonna do what she wants, date him as long as you stay married. She knows she's second fiddle in your life and is sick and tired of it. She wants to feel loved, feel important, feel cared for, put first not last. She wants to openly date and be in a healthy relationship, not an affair behind closed doors that's going no where.

 

She is trying to show you that she will be fine without you, her life will go on if you don't choose her over your wife.

 

Does your wife even know of your A? She must know something is off since you say it's taken a toll on your marriage...

 

Your OW wants you to sh.t or get off the pot. What do you want?

[GettingOver]

She loves you.

 

She wants you to choose her. It's killing her that you are still with your wife and she is trying to escape from you by dating other people.

 

I did the same. He never left , but I had to because it took a toll on my entire life and well being.

 

Poppy

 

I agree for 100%.

I also did that and dated/trying to date other people in order to escape.

Why staying in touch? Because NOT staying in touch does not change anything. When I stay in touch with him at least I don't think the whole time that I CANNOT/SHOULD NOT stay in touch. For me it is better.

This will most likely continue till she falls in love with someone else.

I understand her so well. It's a pity you guys do not have courage to leave...