Female friend

[PaintedTales]

Hi,

I just need aces point of view, something has been eating away at me for the past few days.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and we are very close, we've bought a house together and are about to move in. I've always been very happy with him and he treats me amazingly.

 

The problem is this...

When we were getting to know each other, he mentioned a female friend of his, well two in particular, but the one doesn't bother me. The one girl used to call him a lot during the day, text him when he was with me...(this was only when we were casually getting to know each other) and he seemed to dismiss it and laugh about it, said she was annoying him and he'd tell her on the phone "bloody hell will you stop calling me I have things to get on with!!"

I thought at the time it was just one of those platonic friends, who I have no problem with.

 

This still may be the case however jealousy has gotten the better of me. I hate to say.

 

Since we made it official he never talked about her much, only when she got brought up in conversation amongst friends.

I first met her when she visited our workplace (we work together) with the other female friend they used to hang around with together.

She seemed nice, however I did notice she was kinda all up in my boyfriends business "where are you on the weekend?" Upon finding out we were going to a certain bar... "Oh I'm going there!!! I'll be there at 8!"

 

I picked up a bit of attraction on her part, but let it slide. Of course I know how important it is to see how HE reacts also, and he didn't seem to respond much, just with a sarcastic "great!" When she informed us shed be at he same bar.

 

We did see her at the bar, in which she made no effort to speak to me and only paid attention to my boyfriend, I was talking to other friends so didn't think too much on it at the time.

 

Fast forward a few months and my boyfriend and I were out for a birthday meal with his family, for his mother. I noticed him on the phone texting a lot, and glanced down slightly to his phone...the number wasn't saved. I never usually ask him who he's texting but felt compelled to for some reason...and I knew the answer before he told me.

It was her.

He replied with "oh you've met ***, just her"

I didn't say anything after that.

 

Later that night in bed he turned to me and said "you didn't mind me texting *** did you?"

 

To which I told him no,however i had to ask if there had ever been any history between them as I'd picked up a vibe on her part...he looked concerned and told me no there wasn't, he used to hang out with her a lot because she used to date one of his friends and they kept in touch since they broke up. I asked him if he'd ever liked her...

He said she is a "really really really pretty girl" and truth be told a few years ago if she had ever invited him to sleep with her after a night out, as disgusting behaviour as that sounds, he would have, but that changed once he got to know her a lot better and he wouldn't have done it,nor did he ever consider her as relationship material.

He told me I never ever have to be worried about other girls ever.

 

We ended the night on a good note and I felt better, although after a long talk some things stuck in my head...

 

 

(This was all before we were together)

He mentioned she used to call him , on nights out, crying when something had gone wrong with her. Asking him to pick her up.

This includes problems with her boyfriend.

 

She ended up sleeping at his house when she got locked out of her house years ago, after he'd picked her up from a night out, she was single at the time, and my boyfriend told her he'd sleep in the spare room...she kept trying to invite him into bed with her...he didn't sleep in the same bed as her. My boyfriend has never been THAT confident with women, so I can believe this.

 

He said she used to seem very keen on him by demanding she would see him all the time to hang out with him, not taking no for answer.

 

Since he got with me (without me asking him to or not knowing much about her at this point) he distanced himself from her.

 

I like that he was honest with me about all of this, he could well have kept it all hidden.

 

 

Let's go forward again a few months, he left his Facebook open...

I did the unthinkable...I snooped on his messages with her.

 

Mostly consisted of them talking, there seemed to be slight flirty banter on times, but nothing untoward or setting off alarm bells. I read through the part where he told her he had a girlfriend and she seemed genuinely happy about it...suggesting we double date.

The only thing that rang alarm bells was her saying "her dress wouldn't do up" before a night out, and shed have to go out naked etc...it was like she was trying to get a response from him.

The other message that made me wonder was when she got pissed off because he went to the cinema with a girl he was dating at the time and not with her.

 

Since that message of being happy he has a gf she sent him a few messages saying hi to which he hasn't replied.

 

He mentioned last year she would text him saying "hi how are you?" He'd reply with something like "I'm find how are you?" And get no reply from her. Then she'd do it again a week later. And again a few days later. My boyfriend got pissed off with it in the end and stopped replying to her, as he couldn't be bothered to have a conversation if she was just "trying to make her presence known" as he put it.

 

We didn't hear anything for months and then casually my bf drops into conversation one of our friends is dating her sister, we looked up her sister on fb being generally nosey, and find out the girl has deleted my boyfriend from her Facebook.

 

He didn't seem to bothered by it and said shed done it before, he'd even deleted her before because she'd annoyed him. So I didn't think anything of it.

 

Another few months go by and my boyfriend texts me one evening to say he had hung out with her and her friend after I'd asked how his evening had been. He was being honest about it, and kinda picked up that I wasn't too impressed by it because of what he had mentioned before about her trying to get him into bed with her etc.

 

He asked me about it a week later and we talked, I told him it made me uncomfortable giving that and he said he knew at the time it wasn't the right thing to do as he felt bad for hanging out with them...I said I'd never want to stop him having friends but something about her makes me wonder her intentions.

I think maybe at some point she had feelings for him, judging by his responses to her I don't think it was mutual.

 

The thing that's bothering me is a recent incident.

We ad a night out for my birthday recently, and I woke up the next morning to discover he had added her to Facebook.

Or more like, accepted her friend request, he mentioned a few weeks before that she had sent a request, and he didn't understand why she had deleted him in the first place so he was just going to not accept as he doesn't see or hear from her anymore. He said he doesn't want to bother with her or the other girl anymore as their quite immature. I Asked if this was anything to do with how I felt about her and he said it wasn't.

 

Anyway, he'd also added a lot of other people who had sent him requests. When he saw it in the morning he said "oh I accepted her...oh well, she and the others had been waiting long enough I guess!" And made a joke out of it. I didn't say anything more or say I was uncomfortable about it, I just left it at that. I mean its only facebook right?

 

So why do I fee concerned?

 

He spent the afternoon at mine and once again left his Facebook open on my iPad, which I only realised after he'd left. I couldn't resist it....I checked his messages...no messages from her.

Unfortunately I'm ashamed to say this and I went one step further and checked his activity log, which shows he searched for her the night before, when he was in the bar with me...around 9pm, and he accepted her friend request around 1am.

The other friend requests were accepted around 1.30am.which he had done all in one go,

 

What's strange is that night, we left the bar about 12.30 am and were on our way to get a taxi and I'm sure I saw her coming towards us in a bright green dress. I glanced at my boyfriend, who immediately looked at the floor, and avoided looking at her. We were holding a conversation at the time and he seemed to try his best to avoid looking up.

 

After snooping on her profile the next day I realised it WAS her, same bright green dress from pictures of the night before. She didn't see us.

 

My best friend thinks with what he's told me he's made it awkward for himself and is probably avoiding her or interacting with her in the street as not to upset me. She was there that night and said he was a bit drunk so doesn't see him being that calculated to accept her request and the accept the others to make it look like he just accepted them all in one go. She said she can't explain the searching for her but didn't notice any shady behaviour from him.

 

I just want to know other opinions and how to stop being so damn freaking jealous over something so stupid.

He's never given me ANY reason not to trust him, I just can't seem to control my jealousy over this girl..

 

 

Yes I know I clearly have issues.

[d0nnivain]

Remind yourself that he chose you to be his GF & that you are buying a house together. I hope to heavens that you have the financial resources to get out of that if this blows up. The fact that you have these concerns tells me you should not have bought a house with this guy but that's water under the bridge now.

[smackie9]

She is practically serving herself to him on a silver platter and he never once taken a bite. Yes guys can be tempted, but my guess is she is bat sh it crazy, that's why he never bothered with her. My guess is, is that he likes the ego boosting attention from her, and the fact she is part of their group. He has no control over her behavior, and can't always avoid her. She doesn't have a BF.....kinda makes you wonder huh. I'm gonna go with bat sh it crazy.

[PaintedTales]

This is literally the only things thats made me concerned the whole relationship, he is so thoughtful..caring, everything I've ever wanted in a guy and that's why Ive bought a house with him, it just felt right. I do hope this doesn't blow up into anything and she doesn't worm her way back in.

He seems to have distanced himself from that group, and doesn't hang out With them as much as he used to.

if shed have always been around from the start, my ex had a girl friend who was always around and it never bothered me - she was engaged to his other best friend! - then it wouldn't bother me. It's the fact that she took a step back from him for two years, but suddenly pops up every now and then to make herself known. The facebook search for her alarmed me, intentional or not. Asking him will make me sound bat**** crazy! Haha apparently she does have a boyfriend and years ago he had a go at my boyfriend for picking her up when she calls him crying on a night out...

Which I could understand, if I called another guy crying instead of my own boyfriend I think my other half would be concerned...

Apparently she used to use him for lifts all the time, as back then he was the only one she knew who could drive (he's a few years older than her) and would be silly enough to pick her up when she turned on the waterworks.

 

I agree with what you've said, I just want to deal with my jealousy without making myself sound like a lunatic. I spoke to my other friend about it today and she said she thinks it's probably something that looks worse than it is. Adding her to facebook, ignoring her when we saw her. Etc.

[smackie9]

Obviously your BF doesn't have confontational skills to appropriately deal with this situation. Might be a bit of a red flag when your man doesn't stand up for you, and do the respectful thing.....telling it to her face that her behavior is making things uncomfortable in his relationship, and she should cut it out or back off.

[PaintedTales]

Yeah he's never really had the chat with her...like I was saying he stopped replying to her texts when she would just say hi and then not reply back to him, he stopped responding to her on fb...

 

The whole crying asking him to pick her up was before we were together, she hasn't since.

 

I think he is a very non confrontational guy and I would hope if she did that now he'd tell her to back off.

Like I was saying she hasn't contacted him since deleting him...and re adding him. Yet. Maybe when she does I will say something to make it crystal clear how her previous behaviour doesn't sit well with me.

 

When I mentioned before it was a bit concerning given she tried to get him into bed that he met up with her and their friend when they called saying they were in the area one evening and he understood and said he knew when he agreed to meet them it wasn't apropriate.

I'll just have to keep a close eye on her maybe. I don't trust her at all. Unfortunately I'm one of those girls who doesn't trust anyone 100% which is sad, but he's not given me a reason not to. I guess I'll have to cross that bridge if\when I come to it.

[smackie9]

If you trust your BF, then she isn't a threat. If you think she's a threat, then you don't trust your BF to have any common sense.

 

Your BF avoiding her is making himself 1000 times more attractive to her, so HE NEEDS to have the talk with her not you. If you tell her to back off, it will only encourage her unwanted behavior.

[smackie9]

People like her relish in the fact that she is getting to you, and possibly will break you two up. If she can't have what you have, at least she can cause you grief. She takes pleasure in having that kind of effect.....it's control she wants.

[smackie9]

What would concern me is that if he can't man up and deal with this situation, just what's going to happen when you both are faced with a real crisis in the future? Is he going to deal with the situation, or is he going to just curl up in a ball and hope it passes?

[mercuryshadow]

On one hand I think it is an awkward situation for your bf, to have a friend who basically throws herself at him...on the other hand, I agree, he enjoys the ego boost. In my experience, these woman are territorial and crass; if you let on that it is bothersome to you, it will likely get worse because SHE enjoys her ability to undermine your confidence.

At this point, it seems your bf is innocent of reciprocation, but I'm not saying you should let it go. Feign confidence if you have to, and see what happens. Just make sure no distinct boundaries are crossed, ever. I must say, I'm glad I've not had to deal with women like this in a long time.