Live in boyfriend wants me to get rid of my pets!

[writergal]

Wow. A lot of different opinions on here which gives me a lot to think about. I take care of all the animals and pay for all their expenses. I don't need his help physically or financially to take care of them. The funny thing is, the animals love him and he will get down on the floor and play with them. He just has a problem with them ruining his stuff. Which I do understand. I think I just need to find a way to keep the cats in one of our 4 bedrooms and possibly leave two of the dogs outside.

 

So he doesn't even walk your dogs. or feed them or feed your cats? How exactly is keeping your two dogs outside good for the dogs? And you're going to keep your cats locked up in a bedroom? Wow that is not the solution. That's just cruel to the cats. Wouldn't including him in walking the dogs help him to appreciate and value them more? Please don't punish your pets to please your boyfriend. If you're going to do that, then you might as well give them up.

[rester]

So he doesn't even walk your dogs. or feed them or feed your cats? How exactly is keeping your two dogs outside good for the dogs? And you're going to keep your cats locked up in a bedroom? Wow that is not the solution. That's just cruel to the cats. Wouldn't including him in walking the dogs help him to appreciate and value them more? Please don't punish your pets to please your boyfriend. If you're going to do that, then you might as well give them up.

 

Agreed. Put his stuff in the bedrooms, not the pets.

 

 

 

If there are issues with the relationship beyond the pets ruining his stuff, that's entirely different and maybe there is more to the story. But to suggest ending a relationship (not directing this at you writergal) because some pets ruined some of his things seems a bit drastic. If this were the only problem in the relationship it seems easily solvable.

[Phoe]

He sounds like a decent guy, honestly. In your first post you mentioned that he offered the house to you and would move out himself. Doesn't sound like a narcissistic jerk to me. He also seems to like your pets. Not the jerk others have made him out to be... like they truly know this guy. Sheesh

 

You don't truly know the guy either. None of us do.

 

The only difference between us is what we are perceiving.

 

You perceive that he's a good guy, I perceive differently.

 

A guy who flies off the handle at her when she's trying her best to make it work, doesn't seem decent to me.

 

A guy who thinks its okay to call her a liar and guilt her for choosing not to drop the pets on her elderly parents who are coping with dementia, doesn't seem decent to me.

 

She sure is trying harder than I would! She at least considered parting with the pets, she's trying, and all he wants to see is her "failure" and lash out at her for it.

 

Him offering the house to her is the ONE "good guy" move I see, and it's a shaky one at that. I see it more like him giving up. A better option would be trying to work this out with her calmly rather than throwing in the towel.

 

It's one thing to be frustrated, but this guy is beyond frustrated. Far beyond.

[writergal]

Not hijacking this thread, so I'll respond to Art Critic and writergal, and then provide more insight for you OP because I've been in your boyfriend's shoes and I'm wanting to help.

 

@Art Critic, I understand that pets outlived my relationship, so I can see your side there. Never asked her to get rid of them. I had a dog that lived to be 13, only to watch him get run over in the street. He lasted through a lot in my life, so I understand that pets are family. However, people are more important to me than pets. That's me. If we were right for each other, I'd have outlived her cats. Cats had nothing to do with it.

 

@writergal, you're very opinionated and seem to know everything about me (i.e. that I'm not an animal lover and the reason why my ex and I didn't work was because of the cats). You should use these powers of yours to work a psychic hotline instead of telling me who I am and why my relationship didn't last. I'd love to say more, but don't want to get banned... so I'll leave it at that.

 

OP, you love your pets. I believe you have more than you should, and I sympathize with your BF getting frustrated at that many pets, all the while ruining his stuff.

 

Again, what's more important to you though? Him, or your pets?

 

He sounds like a decent guy, honestly. In your first post you mentioned that he offered the house to you and would move out himself. Doesn't sound like a narcissistic jerk to me. He also seems to like your pets. Not the jerk others have made him out to be... like they truly know this guy. Sheesh

 

He's frustrated about the pets and I can completely understand that. I'm not writergal, so I'm not going to assume I know you/him and everything going on in your relationship. But, I have to ask if there are other things wrong with your relationship? Maybe the pets thing is just piling on onto an underlying problem?

 

Hey I'm sorry you had to witness your dog being run over. That had to be traumatic for you, especially since he was there for 13 years of your life and all the changes in it. Yes, I can be opinionated and even a little myopic when I get passionate about a topic. But you and I have different priorities, people before pets (you) vs. pets before people (me). Our different pet-views just adds to the conversation here. That's all. We've each had different experiences with pets and relationships.

[writergal]

Agreed. Put his stuff in the bedrooms, not the pets.

 

 

 

If there are issues with the relationship beyond the pets ruining his stuff, that's entirely different and maybe there is more to the story. But to suggest ending a relationship (not directing this at you writergal) because some pets ruined some of his things seems a bit drastic. If this were the only problem in the relationship it seems easily solvable.

 

Great suggestion - 3 empty bedrooms seems better suited for your boyfriends things than the cats.

 

Yes, it is a drastic suggestion I made (its ok rester) but it's something I would do if my live-in boyfriend gave me an ultimatum or was using my pets as an excuse to break up with me, when there were other relationship issues that were the real reason. I'd rather be alone with my pets than with a guy who refused to compromise and expected me to put him before my pets.

 

I just meant, that if the OP's boyfriend can't participate more in the pet care even though the OP says she doesn't require him to (which I think is strange that she never asks him to walk her dogs during the 2 years they've lived together), then there is something else going on, and the pets aren't the real problem but are just a convenient excuse or target.

[newmoon]

6 pets - 3 dogs and 3 cats - is a monumental difference compared to just 3 dogs. I can easily envision a situation where the BF may love animals, and tried like hell to make it work, but just couldn't. And bottling up his thoughts for so long caused him to reach the end of the line and snap.

 

the point isn't the number. it could be 1 dog that she has. or 1 cat. the point is that he knew this beforehand and now - 2 YEARS later it is an issue? no. if he has an aversion to dirt and hair and whatever else he is complaining about then he should have never moved in with her. they have bigger issues. it sounds like he was willing to try and has reached the point of not wanting to anymore. but making her chose between him and her pets doesn't look good. after 2 years the honeymoon is over anyway and the relationship probably has other things wrong. this is being used as a way out.

[Phoe]

Ditch a person you love for pets? They'll be with you through anything? Sure they'll be with you through anything, for only a few more years. Cats live to be what, 14? Dogs maybe 12?

 

 

Try living with 6 pets you don't like who ruin your stuff and smell up your place. Then you can say whether or not this guy is an awful jerk.

 

Trust me. Dealing with pets you didn't want (but accepted) and who constantly trash your home really wears on a person. It wore on me, and I got frustrated cleaning up puke and watching my place get trashed. You'd say I was an awful jerk too if you saw me get mad a couple times after years of dealing with it. Trust me, I'm not a jerk, but things can make your patience wear thin until you inevitably snap and let off steam.

 

 

Just, wow... Don't even know how to respond to that without getting a post deleted. Pets are forever?

 

Again, OP, I recommend doing anything you can to make the situation more "liveable", for lack of a better word.

 

Pet-proofing the house and placing the litter box(es) in an area that sees little to no traffic (garage, utility room, etc.).

 

Sure, he accepted you and the pets that came with you. Doesn't mean he has to be happy that his stuff is getting trashed. It's not like he's abusing the animals!

 

Give him a little slack and do what you can to make the situation better.

 

My childhood cat lived to be 21. They can live for a very large chunk of a person's life. And will be a good memory through the rest of your life. That's why a pet is forever.

 

People who give the "it's me or the dog" type ultimatum, won't be a happy memory for me. It'll be a relationship that likely wouldn't last, would be filled with resentment, and would ultimately be a massive compatibility issue. I can't even begin to associate with people who thinks pets are disposable.

 

My cat will ALWAYS come first over a man who doesn't like her.

 

And FYI, cats aren't just inherently messy. If you know the right tips and tricks, keeping a house clean and fresh is easy. I can't tell you how many times a guest has commented that they never would've known there was a cat (one person actually accused me of lying about having a cat), and landlords commented how astonished they were after my move out, that there was no sign that any cat had ever lived there.

[Phoe]

Wow. A lot of different opinions on here which gives me a lot to think about. I take care of all the animals and pay for all their expenses. I don't need his help physically or financially to take care of them. The funny thing is, the animals love him and he will get down on the floor and play with them. He just has a problem with them ruining his stuff. Which I do understand. I think I just need to find a way to keep the cats in one of our 4 bedrooms and possibly leave two of the dogs outside.

 

Putting 3 cats in what little room seems pretty cruel. Boxing up a cat in a little space is a good way to ruin a cat and give it anxiety. And the dogs will be cold.

[writergal]

Putting 3 cats in what little room seems pretty cruel. Boxing up a cat in a little space is a good way to ruin a cat and give it anxiety. And the dogs will be cold.

 

I agree. OP for god sake don't lock up your cats or ban your dogs to the outdoors. Fix whatever the *real* problem is with your relationship b/c it sure doesn't seem like it's the pets. They haven't done anything wrong except be dogs and cats. Don't punish them because they're just innocent bystanders.

[veggirl]

Putting 3 cats in what little room seems pretty cruel. Boxing up a cat in a little space is a good way to ruin a cat and give it anxiety. And the dogs will be cold.

 

Seriously. Locking up the cats is only going to cause stress and bad behavior. Horrible idea OP. locking the dogs outside sounds really cruel too. Can't your bf out his crap in one of the bedrooms that is off limits to the pets?

 

Also, shutterbug, it sounds like your gf was just not a good pet parent. Cats shouldn't spray unless they haven't been fixed or are under great stress. Multiple litter boxes and scooping 2x a day takes care of any odor ime.

[LifeNomad]

if your taking care of the pets and they are good ie not being abused or neglected then keep them! they are yours, they were yours, he knew this before you came along. Your pets are not at fault.

[veggirl]

Sorry, too late to edit. My last paragraph was to sothathappened, not you OP.

[lemonsugar]

if your taking care of the pets and they are good ie not being abused or neglected then keep them! they are yours, they were yours, he knew this before you came along. Your pets are not at fault.

 

So true he knew you had pets so how can he moan now. Personally he sounds controllng also you an tell a lot about people by how they treat animals!

[Phoe]

Material things can be pet proofed. Yes, those items are meaningful and he should care about them. But moving those things out of an animals way is easy. I have plants, fish bowls, delicate things that I want to have out, but away from the cats reach. I make it happen!

 

Furniture is harder, but solutions can be found.

[loversquarrel]

Too many opinions on the pets and not enough on the true problem at hand and that is communication. It appears he ended up "snapping" because his frustrability threshold had been surpassed. This is typical of people who have a difficult time trying to express how they feel, so they let it build up until it finally explodes. I agree with many here who have mentioned that he acted like a jerk by getting angry and calling you a liar about your parents inability to take a couple of them. That was unreasonable. He should have communicated how he felt about the situation before he let his frustrations get the best of him.

 

I disagree with those who choose to condemn him for feeling as if he cannot live with the situation as it currently stands. He did nothing wrong by moving in with her knowing she had 6 pets, it lasted about a year, then he found out in that time he just couldn't do it. That is not irresponsible. What is irresponsible is how he ultimately handled it. Ultimatums are wrong and accomplish far less than proper communication with respect for each others feelings and needs.

 

At the time he thought he could deal with 6 pets. He learned over time he couldnt. It happens with relationships. Sometimes over time we realize we can't be with someone we thought we once could. As I ststatein a previous post, maybe he feels all of the attention going to care for these 6 animals is getting in the way of intamacy with you? Maybe that's why he's looking for a reduction and not a complete expulsion of them?? Point is, you never know until you both discuss it.

[shutterbugg]

In all honesty, we get along great, our sex life is amazing, we really only argue about my pets. I'm very easy going and I just go with the flow. I don't believe in sweating the small stuff. Life is too short for that. He is pretty OCD, and things have to be a certain way, but not over anything that I care about. The ceiling fans have to be on in all rooms 24/7/365, the thermostat can't be over 62 in the winter, he'll only drink organic milk, etc. Just stupid stuff. So is that really OCD, or controlling?!

[todreaminblue]

hey shutterbug,

 

i take in lost animals and have a large menagerie of pets......4 dogs three of them, large ones a pedigree rottie(my companion) and two pure bred border collies which ran way and houdinied their backyard.....away from their owners to be with us....owners gave up trying to keep them away from us..... and signed them over....and a terrier cross...........i actually have four cats at the moment......two kittens whose mother got bitten by a snake and abandoned......and my two cats.....i have fish ......used to have guinea pigs as well...I made my daughter rehome some abandoned rats who had like eight babies....got homes for all of them.........sent the cats nuts...i am also not so surprisingly....... single.......i also have teens five kids in all and they are harder to handle than pets......my son had a snake....i am still traumatised by that little slithery thing...i am snake phobic....i still looked after the snake though...shudder

 

i will have to say before you have to find homes for your pets have you tried having the dogs outside......during the day......and training them inside the house.....

 

 

personally......i wouldnt tell anyone to get rid of their pets......pets are not discardable......throw away when the time suits...its one reason why i have often a house full of lost and lonely animals......its a lifetime commitment.....responsible pet owners know that..i do understand sometimes people have to move where it isnt possible for them to take their pets.......thats different

 

 

I want to know how you feel........what is the best case scenario fro you and is it possible for you to train your dogs and have control over them in the house....and if its possible they spend the majority of the time outside.......is there any compromise you and your bf could hatch up......deb

[loversquarrel]

I Am diagnosed with ocd. There is no way he can be diagnosed by any of us. Only a licensed therapist can make that diagnosis after several appointments. OCD is more about ritualistic behavior that is anxiety based. Not putting the thermostat above 62 could be that he's conscientious of heating costs. Leaving the ceiling fans on in all of the rooms while the heat is on would be counter productive and could be considered more of an OCD based decision.

 

If you care for him this much then you both really need to sit down and talk these problems out. It's the only way the relationship can work. As far as ocd?? It can and will get in the way of relationships unless he can identify and work with it. It's very easy to drag loved ones into the ocd and its important for him to not let that happen. You need to be able to recognize it as well. Therapy helps a person understand it, but medication is often needed to treat it.

[Graceful]

In all honesty, we get along great, our sex life is amazing, we really only argue about my pets. I'm very easy going and I just go with the flow. I don't believe in sweating the small stuff. Life is too short for that. He is pretty OCD, and things have to be a certain way, but not over anything that I care about. The ceiling fans have to be on in all rooms 24/7/365, the thermostat can't be over 62 in the winter, he'll only drink organic milk, etc. Just stupid stuff. So is that really OCD, or controlling?!

 

Back from your OP, you stated that your parents are in their 90's and that your mother suffers from dementia; you also stated that you were not aware of how serious the situation had turned.

 

Firstly, I am sorry to hear of what a strain they are withstanding. It does not make sense to me, however, that someone with parents in their 90's could even consider asking them to take on the care of a couple of pets. You must have left an awful lot of details out of this story, which is fine for your anonymity, but if you have parents that old, you must be well into mid-life yourself, and this whole situation just smacks of selfishness. What kind relationship do you have with your parents that you don't know your mother had dementia?

 

Do you not have a brother or sister you could have asked? Or a grown child? You actually thought your 90-year old parents were in a position to take on 2 pets? Seriously?

 

And what is "spring breaK" for you? Back in March? And you're writing an inquiry now, in November?

 

There's something terribly wrong with your credibility. I love my pets more than anything, but if you are completely unaware of the health of your elderly parents, then there is something wrong here.

 

If your BF is in his fifties, he is not going to change. Cut your losses and see if you can at least stay together so you can find a place you can afford. I can't imagine who rented to you in the first place with 6 pets, but you're going to need a wish and a prayer to find a landlord like that again. Can you take in a roommate to share expenses? Staying put is your best option, if you can find a way to afford the overhead.

 

Personally, I could not recover from a request such as this, if it were me. I'd never be able to look at that person and feel the same way. If you can, that's on you.

 

PS Your BF is set in his ways and has quirks that you accommodate. It does not matter if he has OCD or not.

[lollipopspot]

I don't frankly see a huge difference between 6 pets and 4 pets, in terms of being a bother to your boyfriend, so I don't know why that would make the big difference to him. OP, I can pretty much guarantee that even if you get rid of 2 of your pets, he'll be complaining about the remaining ones until you break up.

 

I don't have that many pets, but there are people who can handle it. So I'm not sure that I get all the judgmentalism here about how many pets someone SHOULD have. People have 6 kids, which are a hell of a lot more work and expense, and don't get this grief. I'm just guessing that, also unlike kids, these pets were rescued from death too - in my experience most people who have a lot of pets like this take on extra animals because there aren't other good options for them.

 

He just has a problem with them ruining his stuff. Which I do understand. I think I just need to find a way to keep the cats in one of our 4 bedrooms and possibly leave two of the dogs outside.

 

That's a horrible idea. Why would you jump to containing the cats in a small space rather than containing THINGS to a confined space? You know animals live in their bodies and need to move.

 

OP, you love your pets. I believe you have more than you should

 

"Should" according to you. There's no "should" about this, she's not doing anything wrong. Who determines how many pets someone "should" have?

 

6 pets - 3 dogs and 3 cats - is a monumental difference compared to just 3 dogs.

 

Not really. Most cats aren't that hard to take care of.

[shutterbugg]

Graceful, my boyfriend and I are in our mid forties. My parents were in their mid forties as well when I was born. They live 700 miles away from me, so I only see them once a year at best. They are still active despite my mom's dementia. My dad drives, they shop, go out to eat, and go on cruises every summer. My dad still mows his own yard and was even up on his roof last week working! They are not bedridden or in wheelchairs. They have a cat and take care very good care of her.

As for my cats, they would only but placed in the bedroom for a few hours. They would have the run of the house at night and during the day when we're at work. The same thing goes for the dogs. Inside at night and during the day while we're working.

[lollipopspot]

As for my cats, they would only but placed in the bedroom for a few hours. They would have the run of the house at night and during the day when we're at work.

 

Then this is a different issue? It sounds more then as though he just doesn't want to have to see them. Because if they have the run of the house at other times, then they could still knock over his stuff.

 

He really just needs to pet-safe his things. I agree that it's a hassle. When you have kids, pets, anyone...they can mess up your stuff. He either needs to keep his stuff away from the pets or accept they might damage it. But you can't live with kids, pets, anyone and expect your house to be the same as if they didn't live there.

[Anela]

Graceful, my boyfriend and I are in our mid forties. My parents were in their mid forties as well when I was born. They live 700 miles away from me, so I only see them once a year at best. They are still active despite my mom's dementia. My dad drives, they shop, go out to eat, and go on cruises every summer. My dad still mows his own yard and was even up on his roof last week working! They are not bedridden or in wheelchairs. They have a cat and take care very good care of her.

As for my cats, they would only but placed in the bedroom for a few hours. They would have the run of the house at night and during the day when we're at work. The same thing goes for the dogs. Inside at night and during the day while we're working.

 

 

It sounds like you've made your mind up, so why ask us? If they have the run of the house the rest of the time, then your boyfriend will still have to make sure that his stuff is put away, if he's worried about them damaging anything.

 

Where do you live? (general area.) It's too cold for them to be outside for even a few hours, at times throughout the winter, or even if it's raining.

[Standard-Fare]

I would agree with a lot of these "keep the pets, ditch the boyfriend" arguments if we were talking about one, two, three pets. But six?

 

I'm an animal lover, have lived with lots of dogs. And I used to do a lot of petsitting. Over the years I discovered that three is the magic number with pets -- once you cross that line, you're venturing into a new type of lifestyle that a lot of people just aren't going to understand. The animals do start to dominate your life in a different way, affect your home environment. You're running a little petting zoo.

 

Personally, I have fun in these type of households, at least on a temporary basis. But it really is NOT for everybody.

 

I can imagine falling in love with someone, thinking I could deal with the menagerie, giving it a good try for a couple years, and then finally reaching a breaking point in frustration.

[shutterbugg]

I live in Texas. We're wearing flip flops and short sleeve shirts today.