Irony of an Affair

[Trotters]

You are kind of sick because you are not offering things that actually heal a relationship like freebie sex which is not going to help a marriage out or erase what was done. Or buying a harley. It aslo assumes that all men are materlistic and only think with their penis. And there are men who are far more evolved and emotionaly sound than this. You were cheated on but you are not allen and you cannot speak for all men. I cheated but I cannot speak for all women who have because we are all different even within our respective genders. You will always find like minded people who lap up your attacks thinnly veiled as "advice".

 

If a betrayed spouse required banging whoever they wanted, and fancy toys and basically to be selfish and spoiled in order to save a marriage I would encourage the WS in that situation to reconsider reconciliation and feeding a self entitled monster. If the betrayed makes a lot larger amount of money signing over rights may sound like a good idea but we all know how well that actually looks in the court of law. And if their our children involved impovershing a parent is never healthy. The other things would make most healthy men who are worth fighting for cringe and say that isn't what will help me trust and love you again. Most healthy and worthwhile men would see the offer of a freebie as a desperate attempt of the WS to rugsweep or pull their BS down to their level of shame. A marriage isn't over until divorced and most honest and healthy BS do not want to throw away their morals and self respect because their partner did. Offering a freebie, even to someone who is considering a RA, is like a slap in the face. And most healthy and worthwhile men would see a car for what it is. A pathetic attempt to buy forgiveness. A shortcut.

 

Being open, honest, and humble. Being there even for a tongue lashing. Not shifting the focus or rugsweeping. Not trying to rush the Bs through the process, seeking counseling both IC and MC if possible. All these things are positive and work towards reconciliation. Not buying toys, losing your right to have an opinion or opening up an unhealthy marriage.

 

 

Im guessing "Revelations" has "touched a nerve" and really youre thinking sh*t hes right but I don't wanna admit it???.

[jbrent890]

You are kind of sick because you are not offering things that actually heal a relationship like freebie sex which is not going to help a marriage out or erase what was done. Or buying a harley. It aslo assumes that all men are materlistic and only think with their penis. And there are men who are far more evolved and emotionaly sound than this. You were cheated on but you are not allen and you cannot speak for all men. I cheated but I cannot speak for all women who have because we are all different even within our respective genders. You will always find like minded people who lap up your attacks thinnly veiled as "advice".

 

If a betrayed spouse required banging whoever they wanted, and fancy toys and basically to be selfish and spoiled in order to save a marriage I would encourage the WS in that situation to reconsider reconciliation and feeding a self entitled monster. If the betrayed makes a lot larger amount of money signing over rights may sound like a good idea but we all know how well that actually looks in the court of law. And if their our children involved impovershing a parent is never healthy. The other things would make most healthy men who are worth fighting for cringe and say that isn't what will help me trust and love you again. Most healthy and worthwhile men would see the offer of a freebie as a desperate attempt of the WS to rugsweep or pull their BS down to their level of shame. A marriage isn't over until divorced and most honest and healthy BS do not want to throw away their morals and self respect because their partner did. Offering a freebie, even to someone who is considering a RA, is like a slap in the face. And most healthy and worthwhile men would see a car for what it is. A pathetic attempt to buy forgiveness. A shortcut.

 

Being open, honest, and humble. Being there even for a tongue lashing. Not shifting the focus or rugsweeping. Not trying to rush the Bs through the process, seeking counseling both IC and MC if possible. All these things are positive and work towards reconciliation. Not buying toys, losing your right to have an opinion or opening up an unhealthy marriage.

 

This right here. As a BS I completely agree with this. Selfish if you wrote a book on this, I'm sure it would sell. Right now it's the little things my wife is doing that is making all the difference. Even as we speak, my wife went out to get my favorite meal without me asking. If my wife offered my a RA, I would have left. Yes I have a cheated in past relationships, but that is something I promised myself I would never do in a marriage. If died tomorrow, at least I would still have my integrity. I'm guessing the point revelation is trying to make is that maybe if the husband screws up in the future, then he should get a free pass. I don't know, that was a very wordy post and its hard to read on my cell phone. Overit, owl's post is probably the best advice I have seen yet. I would also add that, if you haven't already done so, start doing little things to make your husband's day easier. My shifts for work start extremely early in the morning, but thay doesn't stop my wife from getting up at 3 AM and making me breakfast and lunch. Luckily for I only work 3 days out of the week and every other weekend haha.

[Selfish]

Im guessing "Revelations" has "touched a nerve" and really youre thinking sh*t hes right but I don't wanna admit it???.

 

Not at all. But perhaps I am just lucky to know men who are a lot deeper than being bought off with toys and sex.

 

sh*t if that all it took for me to repair my marriage it would have been easy. "To show you how sorry I am dear you can bang anyone you want and have this shiny new car. That's right, because letting you have sex with anyone and giving you a fast car shows you how sorry I am and totally makes up for betraying you. I know you can be bought because you really are that shallow."

Edited November 29, 2014 by Selfish

[Trotters]

Not at all. But perhaps I am just lucky to know men who are a lot deeper than being bought off with toys and sex.

 

sh*t if that all it took for me to repair my marriage it would have been easy. "To show you how sorry I am dear you can bang anyone you want and have this shiny new car. That's right, because letting you have sex with anyone and giving you a fast car shows you how sorry I am and totally makes up for betraying you. I know you can be bought because you really are that shallow."

He didn't mean it literally. Id say he was just using these terms metaphorically.

[jbrent890]

Overit, if you don't mind answering, how old were both you and your husband were when got married? One of the trends that I noticed on LS is that infedility runs rampant with people that got married under the age of 25.

[Owl6118]

But empathy is a better word. I took it from my H and gave it to my AP.

 

With each passing day of NC and as I continue to put effort into R with my BH, I feel my empathy being redirected to the right place.

 

 

That's good. But remember what this all really means. To go back to your idea of irony-- an irony of recovery is this: you will know you are getting seriously healthier again, at the moment when you are doubled over and curled up on the floor with intolerable nausea and gut churning pain when you think of what your husband is feeling. Why? Because you again feel his pain as authentically, genuinely and sincerely as your own. It will be awful to live through, but I wish it for you, because it will mean you have crossed the bridge from regret to remorse.

[Selfish]

He didn't mean it literally. Id say he was just using these terms metaphorically.

metaphorically for what? This makes zero sense.

[OverIt75]

He didn't mean it literally. Id say he was just using these terms metaphorically.

 

Nope. He meant it literally. Exactly as stated.

[OverIt75]

Overit, if you don't mind answering, how old were both you and your husband were when got married? One of the trends that I noticed on LS is that infedility runs rampant with people that got married under the age of 25.

 

I was 23; BH was 24. Dated since I was 19.

[beach]

When you start thinking more about how your husband must feel and less about how you feel - and you start doing things that show it - that is when things will look/seem better balanced.

[Selfish]

When you start thinking more about how your husband must feel and less about how you feel - and you start doing things that show it - that is when things will look/seem better balanced.

 

when people post on a forum asking for personal advice it is about how they feel and what is happening to them. We do not know in her day to life if she isn't thinking and feeling for him. But here she can be honest and emotions cannot just be switched off like magic. If we expect people to never talk about where they are at on here then we are saying they are supposed to lie to us and bury those feelings. But that isn't dealing with them or learning how to navigate the confusion. And one can think a great deal about someone else's feelings AND their own. And in the end we choose what we feel is best for everyone involved. right or wrong. Or at least we choose what we feel is best for us. It would be presumptions and pointless for her to come on here and post a bunch of feelings and emotions her husband is experiencing.

[DKT3]

when people post on a forum asking for personal advice it is about how they feel and what is happening to them. We do not know in her day to life if she isn't thinking and feeling for him. But here she can be honest and emotions cannot just be switched off like magic. If we expect people to never talk about where they are at on here then we are saying they are supposed to lie to us and bury those feelings. But that isn't dealing with them or learning how to navigate the confusion. And one can think a great deal about someone else's feelings AND their own. And in the end we choose what we feel is best for everyone involved. right or wrong. Or at least we choose what we feel is best for us. It would be presumptions and pointless for her to come on here and post a bunch of feelings and emotions her husband is experiencing.

 

Isn't putting so much focus on ones feelings while in a partnership what lead to the affairs in the first place?

 

No its not pointless to focus on her husbands pain and healing from that pain which she caused. No matter the forum, at some point the wayward has to understand in order to move past this there has to be a "put their feelings first" movement within the marriage. No doing so the marriage is just on barrowed time.

[jbrent890]

Isn't putting so much focus on ones feelings while in a partnership what lead to the affairs in the first place?

 

No its not pointless to focus on her husbands pain and healing from that pain which she caused. No matter the forum, at some point the wayward has to understand in order to move past this there has to be a "put their feelings first" movement within the marriage. No doing so the marriage is just on barrowed time.

 

I agree with this. After reading Overit's story again, sadly her husband came second not only to her needs, but also her AP. I'm only guessing that her husband has already or is starting to sense this. If I was in his position, this would be the hardest thing for me to overcome. For the next couple of months or years, he is going to feel like a consolation prize. I have no idea what Overit has told her husband, but if it mirrors the things she has posted in earlier threads, I could not begin to fathom the pain this guy must be going through. Her main job is going to have to be showing her husband that he is her #1 pick. If she wants this marriage to work, she doesn't have the luxury to waver on this in any way, shape, or form. Hope that's not too offensive Overit. Not trying to run you away.

[MuddyFootprints]

I don't even know what's on topic or which thread to reply to anymore.

 

I just want to say, you are reading, you are discussing, you are talking with your husband. You are doing the work.

 

One day at a time, one thought at a time. For both you and your man. It's a lot to process and it takes time.

 

It can be overwhelming here. Focus on what the two of you need. Not what the forum thinks you need.

[DKT3]

I agree with this. After reading Overit's story again, sadly her husband came second not only to her needs, but also her AP. I'm only guessing that her husband has already or is starting to sense this. If I was in his position, this would be the hardest thing for me to overcome. For the next couple of months or years, he is going to feel like a consolation prize. I have no idea what Overit has told her husband, but if it mirrors the things she has posted in earlier threads, I could not begin to fathom the pain this guy must be going through. Her main job is going to have to be showing her husband that he is her #1 pick. If she wants this marriage to work, she doesn't have the luxury to waver on this in any way, shape, or form. Hope that's not too offensive Overit. Not trying to run you away.

 

 

Along these lines, OverIt said something that as a BH made my stomach turn. She said that if the OM was available she would have made a quicker decision. Translation, OM is the guy I want but I can't have him so I guess I'll have my husband.

 

Worse then that, she says the right things, and for a little bit I thought she got it. But she doesn't get it. She is NOT picking her husband, he is what's left. So long run this won't work. OM will continue to drive a wedge in her marriage because that's where she wants to be. She has made several other comments in her posts that give more insight into her true feelings.

 

Overit, I know it doesn't matter but you've lost me on this one. I was in your corner but I think your being dishonest to us, to your husband and to yourself. If MM was an option...???

[jbrent890]

Along these lines, OverIt said something that as a BH made my stomach turn. She said that if the OM was available she would have made a quicker decision. Translation, OM is the guy I want but I can't have him so I guess I'll have my husband.

 

Worse then that, she says the right things, and for a little bit I thought she got it. But she doesn't get it. She is NOT picking her husband, he is what's left. So long run this won't work. OM will continue to drive a wedge in her marriage because that's where she wants to be. She has made several other comments in her posts that give more insight into her true feelings.

 

Overit, I know it doesn't matter but you've lost me on this one. I was in your corner but I think your being dishonest to us, to your husband and to yourself. If MM was an option...???

 

Unfortunately again, I agree. I believe she stated that the OM was the person she was most attracted to and the person who got her the most. I believe you said it yourself DKT, it wasn't until the AP dumped her that things started to change. But even then she still wanted him. I believe strongly that she loves her husband, but is struggling to be in love with him. She is hearing a lot of advice right now, but the one piece of advice she needs to implement NOW is showing her husband he isn't a consolation prize. I really do hate saying this, but I do believe that if her affair followed the same pattern as the first 6 weeks, her and her husband would not be together right now.

[jbrent890]

Also, I think the affair helped her to realize how unhappy she actually was in the marriage i.e. all the comparison posts. In most cases I wouldn't recommend this, but in this instance I think her and her husband should separate for a little. She needs to figure out if this marriage is something she really wants and her husband needs to see what single life might be like. I hate making this assumption, but I think it's guilt on her part and fear on his that is keeping them together. If that's the case, then this reconciliation is going to fail.

[beach]

I don't know. I, as well as my BH, are taking it day by day. The same would apply if the shoe was on the other foot. Sometimes, you are just surviving.

 

This just makes e think that surviving just really isn't enough to repair a broken marriage.

 

 

How about changing everything? How much effort is being made by you specifically?

 

How much are you truly sorry you've done this to your husband?

 

Do you really wish to stay married to him or are you just settling because you can't have your OM?

[MuddyFootprints]

Between the heartache, work, kids, pets, jobs, the house and the bills, some days, just surviving as a couple is good enough.

[DKT3]

Between the heartache, work, kids, pets, jobs, the house and the bills, some days, just surviving as a couple is good enough.

 

Yeah it was enough for me to file for divorce. We hadn't fought for months, the kids were doing great and I was sleeping next to a woman who didn't care enough about my struggles or too much about her fears to be honest.

 

Surviving isn't enough without infidelity, with infidelity there has to be much more.

[MuddyFootprints]

"...as a couple" was the key phrase.

 

It's an uphill battle, no question.

[Selfish]

Isn't putting so much focus on ones feelings while in a partnership what lead to the affairs in the first place?

 

No its not pointless to focus on her husbands pain and healing from that pain which she caused. No matter the forum, at some point the wayward has to understand in order to move past this there has to be a "put their feelings first" movement within the marriage. No doing so the marriage is just on barrowed time.

 

I didn't say it was pointless for her to focus on his pain and healing. I said it was pointless to do so without dealing with her own sh*t. If she rug sweeps her own feelings and issues they will just crop up later. My point was this is a forum where one talks about what is going on inside of them and in their life. We have no idea how much of her time is spent during the day. We are not a fly on the wall in her life.

[Selfish]

Between the heartache, work, kids, pets, jobs, the house and the bills, some days, just surviving as a couple is good enough.

I think what people keep overlooking is the "some days" that both the OP and you put. And latching on to that and tearing it apart. There are times when it is more than either a BS or a WS can handle emotionally and maybe progress forward isn't being made. And so you just survive that day.

[MuddyFootprints]

I wanted to edit my post to add:

 

This song relieves a lot of that 'just surviving' tension, here. We are doing good.

 

[jbrent890]

Yeah it was enough for me to file for divorce. We hadn't fought for months, the kids were doing great and I was sleeping next to a woman who didn't care enough about my struggles or too much about her fears to be honest.

 

Surviving isn't enough without infidelity, with infidelity there has to be much more.

 

My man you are my favorite poster on here. The posts we should be hearing from Overit are "yes this is hard, but I'm fighting for this man." As it stands, I don't sense the fight in her. Just being there isn't going to be enough. A new relationship is going to have to be formed in which she is going to have to court this man and not the other way around. I wanted to desperately believe it was the fog, but I'm starting to believe she really was in love with her AP and not her husband. This is why I'm stressing separation. She needs to come to grips with this. If I was her husband, watching her trying not to pine over this guy would do me in. I think she needs to spare her husband of this by going out and getting her crap together. Once this is done and she finds she truly wants her husband, then she should start the process of fighting for him. Currently, I'm not seeing it.