I wish I met my MM 10 years ago.. If only he was the man I married...

[Versailles]

Just needing somewhere to pen my story else I'm going mad with no one to talk to... I have had a relationship with my MM for about 1.5 years now and we met at work. We started our relationship in the strangest way! I was about to quit my job and going through the usual round of farewell lunches when he asked to buy me lunch too. While it was a bit odd that the Director of another department wanted to buy me lunch, it wasn't completely weird since I had dealings with him and his team in work matters before.

 

During that lunch, we had so much fun talking about life and other things that we had to arrange a second farewell lunch and after that, even a farewell dinner. And that dinner was when everything officially started though I admit sparks were already flying at our first lunch together alone. In case everything seems to be moving too fast, let me state that I already knew him and his character well at work and I had always thought of him as one of the most capable bosses. It's just that I never realized he was such an amazing person when he was just being himself too!

 

At our first dinner, it felt like fate when we had fortune cookies and the fortune I got was something that he had wanted to tell me "someone has a crush on you". The look on his face was so cute when he saw the fortune and then admitted that he had been my secre admirer ever since the first day we were introduced some years ago. He told me that seeing me for the first time was deja vu to him and he felt like he had known me forever even though we had just met. For the cynical people... No... He could not have planned this because I decided on the dinner place and not him... Plus.. It was a Friday night so we were rather out of options as the popular restaurants were all fully booked so I could only choose randomly from the restaurants which did have seats available.

 

Before I go on with my story about us, I do need to mention that I am married too... I want to give some background about myself and also about him so that others will know neither of us had ever planned to start a relationship with anyone else even though we were both unhappy in our marriages.

[jbrent890]

If he was the man you married ten years ago, you would probably have the same issues. Your relationship feels great now because it's new but it isn't a real relationship, it's fantasy. Real relationships have low points, real relationships have periods of bordedom, real relationships have arguments. I don't care how many people you date, at a certain point complacency will take over. It's how partners handle those points that separate good relationships from the bad. Can you elude to the problems in your marriage. Also, have you brought these issues up with your husband. And I mean seriously talk about the issues, not just give hints. That inability to communicate is what caused my wife to cheat.

[DKT3]

Well then the solution is simple, get a divorce. Your unhappy and wish you hadn't married your husband, he is unhappy, what's stopping you from being together?

 

UNLESS one of you aren't being honest.

[Lovemesomehim]

Just needing somewhere to pen my story else I'm going mad with no one to talk to... I have had a relationship with my MM for about 1.5 years now and we met at work. We started our relationship in the strangest way! I was about to quit my job and going through the usual round of farewell lunches when he asked to buy me lunch too. While it was a bit odd that the Director of another department wanted to buy me lunch, it wasn't completely weird since I had dealings with him and his team in work matters before.

 

During that lunch, we had so much fun talking about life and other things that we had to arrange a second farewell lunch and after that, even a farewell dinner. And that dinner was when everything officially started though I admit sparks were already flying at our first lunch together alone. In case everything seems to be moving too fast, let me state that I already knew him and his character well at work and I had always thought of him as one of the most capable bosses. It's just that I never realized he was such an amazing person when he was just being himself too!

 

At our first dinner, it felt like fate when we had fortune cookies and the fortune I got was something that he had wanted to tell me "someone has a crush on you". The look on his face was so cute when he saw the fortune and then admitted that he had been my secre admirer ever since the first day we were introduced some years ago. He told me that seeing me for the first time was deja vu to him and he felt like he had known me forever even though we had just met. For the cynical people... No... He could not have planned this because I decided on the dinner place and not him... Plus.. It was a Friday night so we were rather out of options as the popular restaurants were all fully booked so I could only choose randomly from the restaurants which did have seats available.

 

Before I go on with my story about us, I do need to mention that I am married too... I want to give some background about myself and also about him so that others will know neither of us had ever planned to start a relationship with anyone else even though we were both unhappy in our marriages.

 

You two both went in with your eyes wide open. After the farewell lunch with co-workers, you two decided to take it one step further.

[Versailles]

He is older than me by 12 years and for him, he had been married 10 years with a wonderful 7 year old boy. He obviously loved his wife very much at one point and that is why they got married but over the years their characters clashed and they had so many quarrels that now, he can't even say that they are friends anymore. I notice the expressions on his face when he talks over the phone to his sister, his dad, his mum, his son, his wife and he always looks happy talking to them, especially his beloved son but when it comes to his wife, his face is cold and his voice goes into what I call business meeting mode. Though there is essentially nothing left keeping them together other than their son, I know he will never leave her because he is a very committed person and it is not in his character to abandon his family. And of course he would never hurt his son! I understand and I won't ever ask him to leave her or his son either.

 

In fact, the first day that we acknowledged our love for each other and kissed for the first time, he started crying after that and when I asked him why, he said he couldn't bear to lose his son. Again for the cynical.. i am sure he wasnt putting on an act, he is not the type of man who would cry easily. I then told him I would never force him to do something against his will and I certainly don't want him to lose his son. I will protect him and one day, even leave him if he decides that is best in order for him to be happy. He told me the same too.. That he wants what is best for me and he will leave me if I want him to go away someday.

 

As for me, I have been married 8 years though it has been a sham almost from the beginning. I truly loved my boyfriend at that time (also the first and only man I had ever dated) though I had rejected him for 3 years before finally agreeing to date him. We dated for 4 years before marrying. I feel like he pursued and married me just for revenge simply because he had to have me since he always gets what he wants since young and I was the first person/thing he wanted but couldn't get. The happiest day in my relationship with my husband was our wedding day but after that I was never happy. If I had to think of happy times with him to keep myself sane, the only times were when we were dating.

 

He lied to me about important things just so I wouldn't reject marrying him. Examples? He didn't want kids, I wanted 3 but minimum 1. How can we compromise on that.... Have a dog then? Ridiculous... Our life goals didn't match and he should have told me before getting married. He only told me after marriage and when I asked why didn't he tell me earlier since I always spoke of our future and our future kids.. He had the guts to say he didn't know before marriage that he didn't want kids... What a jerk!

 

He used me too and then threw me aside when he was tired of the toy he thought he wanted but realized he didn't really want it that much after he got his "dream toy". He always tried to ask for sex before marriage but I told him that was reserved for my husband only. I suppose that could have been a reason he decided he had to marry me before he could get what he wanted. So.. Fine.. We got married and had sex like 15 times in 10 years, of which almost all of it happened within the first 2 weeks of our marriage. See what I mean by using me and then throwing me aside? Oh and we never went for a honeymoon either on his pretext of saving money. Saving what money? I've been the only one paying for the house and household bills all these years.

 

He did many other things to hurt me, not physically but the emotional damage was worse. He called me abusive names and did many other things which made me feel like the most horrible person in the world. The regular cheerful and confident me turned into a wreck. Can't sleep, can't eat, unhappy all the time. Worse, I have to pretend to be happy so that my parents wouldn't worry. I didn't want to confide in my friends either as they wouldn't believe it... He had always been the perfect boyfriend in everyone's eyes. Besides, i believed in marriage and there was no option of divorce.

 

He ruined my life when I could have met and married someone else and had a family of my own by now. Back then, I had choices since I did have the occasional admirer. So... Since I realized he was a terrible man within the first few months of marriage, why didn't I leave him? I loved him very much then and believed that marriage was sacrosanct and I wouldn't break my vows and leave him, so I tried to convince myself that things would change, he could become the man I thought I had married. I really went into depression for about 3-4 years.. Going to bed everyday hoping that I would never wake up.. I would have killed myself except that religion disallowed that too.

[Versailles]

So... I tried to work things out, talked to him openly about all the issues, even wrote to him so that he could remember the issues I raised, suggested marriage counseling, bought him relationship building books to read but all for naught.

 

Not unexpectedly since I was really in depression, I did fall ill with cancer. It was sort of a relief at that time.. Didn't dare to tell my doctor why when he told me I was one of the calmest patients he had ever seen especially given my young age - mid twenties. That was the only time my husband changed and he promised to treasure me if I would only recover and spend the rest of my life with him. In the end, I did recover since I suppose I was so happy emotionally though this time it was my body that was a wreck. Just goes to show mind over matter... The nurses and doctors all loved me for being the happiest patient and they all recognized me on sight

 

So happily I thought things would change and he would love me as he used to but things went well only for a few months after I recovered and he was back to his old self. In fact worse.. a couple of years after i recovered, i knew he was frequenting pubs and texting other women, even going on a business trip which i later realized was him and his friends going to a sleaze city for the week. This time though, I wouldn't wallow in misery, I told myself to treat him like a roommate and not a husband so I've been managing well ever since I segmentalized him into roommate category and lead my own life. I was all prepared for the eventuality when he would throw me divorce papers someday and I would grow old and keep dogs for company. Stupidly I still believed in the idea of no divorce... At least not initiated by me anyway...

 

Then very unexpectedly, my second relationship happened and I realized I had been missing a true soulmate all these years.

[Minnie09]

Affair or not, you H doesn't respect you and he seems to be a liar and a cheat, so ........ why wait for HIM to divorce YOU? He won't, as long as he can have it both ways. So - D is not going to happen if you don't initiate it. You have no kids, probably won't have any (and shoudn't), because he won't be a father, you have a job......what's holding you back? You're so miserable in this M (and I don't blame you) - why use religion and beliefs as an excuse? You're unhappy. He doesn't treat you right. He doesn't deserve you. Get out. It will not get any better.

 

I would focus on that for now. That's enough to deal with. You won't have much time for an A - you need your strength to get the separation / divorce sorted out.

[Quiet Storm]

Why are you still married to your husband? There is not even any kids keeping you there.

 

It sounds like you have poor coping skills (you got to the point where you wanted to die), which is likely why you chose an affair (to escape).

 

Ten years ago, the character issues that led you both to cheat & lie (above other options) would have still been there. Then you likely would've both cheated on each other. The players would change, but the issues would be the same. You see the choice that you & MM made to have an affair as circumstantial, as a result of your unhappy marriages. I think you both cheated because of issues within yourselves.

 

Since MM will be staying married, I suggest that you seek counseling to find healthy ways to cope. It's very likely that this will not end well, and if your husband changed your from a cheerful, confident woman into a wreck, then how will you cope when MM wants to end the affair because he got caught? You need to work on building your emotional strength. You are avoiding your real issues (yourself, your marriage) by focusing on MM. It works for now, but when MM is gone, those issues will still be there.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I agree that you have unhealthy coping skills.

 

Wishing for death is not coping.

 

Your MM is NOT a very committed person.

 

Neither one of you is doing what is in the best interest of the other.

 

Do you think it is going to be pleasant for you to wear the hat of cheating wife and OW? Are you prepared for the onslaught of names you will be called? Or how your character is going to be torn to shreds and put on public display?

 

Have you thought how you will handle all that?

 

So far all you seem to have looked at...is how the affair makes you feel and your justifications for being in one. Wouldn't it be wise to be honest about the whole picture?

 

Have you questioned yourself why....if your beliefs/faith do not allow you to divorce....why they do not preclude you from having an affair? Do you have a tendency to cherry pick beliefs to support your arguments?

 

 

Your marriage issues should never be used to excuse poor behaviour on your part. I have to wonder if your husband would paint you in the same no-fault winter colours you have described yourself here.

 

Being that you only want a place to "pen" your affair and you chose a public forum to do so...are you prepared for any critique?

[Versailles]

I am so happy to have met him and loved him, he made my world bigger and gave me joy in my life I had not expected to experience again. The scales finally fell off my eyes and I'm beginning to realize I was truly stupid to force myself to stay in an unhappy marriage when the only thing stopping me is my own ideal of one love, one marriage.

 

If only I had met my MM 10 years earlier, we could have had a proper relationship from the start and that is something I will forever regret because if it wasn't for my husband's (boyfriend then) objections to being an air stewardess, I would probably have met my MM on his many business trips then before either of us had gotten married to the wrong persons. Now.. I don't see any future for me in his life because I know he will never choose me over his son and he will never replace his son's mother with somebody else even though he might wish he could. So realistically speaking, I am consigned to the occasional lunch or possibly dinner with him on weekdays and maybe one trip a year.

 

We went for our first trip last year and that was the first time in my life I felt like I was on my honeymoon. It just feels so right to be with him, like everything has clicked into place! Everything i do with him feels like this is the way we are meant to be and he told me he feels the same too. For the cynical who might think he is only with me for sex.. he has never asked me for it as long as we are in the same city as his family because he feels too guilty about it. I will respect anything he decides to do or not to do. While I do long for him to spend more time with me, I understand his weekends will never be for me.. I can only grab as many weekday lunches as I can though that isn't much either because he has business lunches most of the time.

 

We were supposed to go on our second trip 2 weeks ago but it had to be cancelled because his mother in law was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and he had to go back to canada for a visit with his family. Instead of spending one whole week of our time together, now I'm spending it working and he's spending it with his family. I am so horribly disappointed that the event I was looking forward to all year is gone... It's the only time when we are overseas that he will hold my hand in public and we can walk together everywhere openly... Worse, I am now worried that his sense of responsibility at this sad family event will overpower any romantic notions he still has and he will decide to end everything. I know his character and honestly.. It was completely out of character for him to let love overtake logic in the case of our relationship. He has been fighting between love and responsibility and so far... He has kept a balance between both but this might be the catalyst to push him into the camp of logic/responsibility...

 

I don't know how I can take it if he tells me it's over... I wouldn't go bother his family but I'm not sure I can go on living without him. So what exactly do I want from this doomed relationship...? After considering all options... I realize an option which can benefit both is if he would be willing to have a child with me (haven't asked him yet and don't dare to since now is not a good time). I won't ask him for any support and he can continue his duties to his family without any change in his lifestyle if he decides not to see me anymore. So, minimal impact to him. On my part, for the sake of our child, I will happily live on no matter what and see him/her grow up and I can get over not seeing my true love again because I will always see a shadow of him in our child.

 

So... How do I bring up the topic to him...? And does this even sound like a plausible long term plan to a man? And this is still assuming he sees me again after coming back from visiting his mother in law.

 

Ideally though... I would turn back time and go find him as we both were 10 years ago... I think we would have had a much better relationship together but that is a dream... So much for "when you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Everything your heart desires will come to you..." And yes, I have stupidly tried wishing upon a star for time travel.... I know it doesn't work (of course!) BUT.... A dream is still nice to have....

 

Best to go back to my best scenario reality.....

[Poppy47]

I'm really sorry that you aren't happy in your marriage. That's why you are in fantasy land about the MM. In this day, you don't have to stay there you know. You have a job, so leave.

 

WARNING:

If you leave your marriage do not expect that MM will follow suit, because he won't. He has a 7 year old child to raise and he can tell you anything about his relationship with his wife. It's not necessarily true.

 

It would be good if you leave, get yourself straightened out and go NC with the MM. You won't see your own issues clearly while he is around you. Don't waste any more time on him.

 

Care for yourself.

 

Poppy

[AlwaysGrowing]

Time travel isn't possible so pointing to that as a cure all is pointless. The fact you blame your husband for not meeting this MM on a fantasy business flight where magically whilst in the middle of performing your Air Stewardess job, you would have instantly fell in love while staring at a sea of sardine packed faces...is just beyond justification....it's absurd.

 

Then you come up with having his child as the next best possible solution? You even said it would be for his benefit....really? Getting pregnant on purpose so you can soothe yourself benefits no one...not even you. Have you investigated how a child feels being the product of an affair?

 

It seems from the outside looking in...this MM has you in a very specific box. And you eagerly agree to his confinements. No sex while his family is even in the same city (red flag that he feels loyalty to them, not you), no weekends, lunches only when he says.

 

For all the tearing your husbands actions/character down...you seem unable to be as critical of this MM.

 

You do indeed have very poor coping skills.

 

Get yourself into IC....yesterday.

[Quiet Storm]

Please do not have a child with this man. That would be a very selfish choice.

 

You are choosing to involve yourself with married guy that has a family, but the child has no choice. Why would you ever want to give your child this start in life? You feel hopeless about your life and are settling for a married guy, but don't you feel your child derserves better? Your child shouldn't have to live a life of lies, secrets and disappointments just because their mother makes poor choices. Don't you think your child is worthy of a stable home and a proud father?

 

I also seriously doubt your MM will agree to that.

[GirlStillStrong]

He is older than me by 12 years and for him, he had been married 10 years with a wonderful 7 year old boy. He obviously loved his wife very much at one point and that is why they got married but over the years their characters clashed and they had so many quarrels that now, he can't even say that they are friends anymore. I notice the expressions on his face when he talks over the phone to his sister, his dad, his mum, his son, his wife and he always looks happy talking to them, especially his beloved son but when it comes to his wife, his face is cold and his voice goes into what I call business meeting mode. Though there is essentially nothing left keeping them together other than their son, I know he will never leave her because he is a very committed person and it is not in his character to abandon his family. And of course he would never hurt his son! I understand and I won't ever ask him to leave her or his son either.

 

In fact, the first day that we acknowledged our love for each other and kissed for the first time, he started crying after that and when I asked him why, he said he couldn't bear to lose his son. Again for the cynical.. i am sure he wasnt putting on an act, he is not the type of man who would cry easily. I then told him I would never force him to do something against his will and I certainly don't want him to lose his son. I will protect him and one day, even leave him if he decides that is best in order for him to be happy. He told me the same too.. That he wants what is best for me and he will leave me if I want him to go away someday.

 

As for me, I have been married 8 years though it has been a sham almost from the beginning. I truly loved my boyfriend at that time (also the first and only man I had ever dated) though I had rejected him for 3 years before finally agreeing to date him. We dated for 4 years before marrying. I feel like he pursued and married me just for revenge simply because he had to have me since he always gets what he wants since young and I was the first person/thing he wanted but couldn't get. The happiest day in my relationship with my husband was our wedding day but after that I was never happy. If I had to think of happy times with him to keep myself sane, the only times were when we were dating.

 

He lied to me about important things just so I wouldn't reject marrying him. Examples? He didn't want kids, I wanted 3 but minimum 1. How can we compromise on that.... Have a dog then? Ridiculous... Our life goals didn't match and he should have told me before getting married. He only told me after marriage and when I asked why didn't he tell me earlier since I always spoke of our future and our future kids.. He had the guts to say he didn't know before marriage that he didn't want kids... What a jerk!

 

He used me too and then threw me aside when he was tired of the toy he thought he wanted but realized he didn't really want it that much after he got his "dream toy". He always tried to ask for sex before marriage but I told him that was reserved for my husband only. I suppose that could have been a reason he decided he had to marry me before he could get what he wanted. So.. Fine.. We got married and had sex like 15 times in 10 years, of which almost all of it happened within the first 2 weeks of our marriage. See what I mean by using me and then throwing me aside? Oh and we never went for a honeymoon either on his pretext of saving money. Saving what money? I've been the only one paying for the house and household bills all these years.

 

He did many other things to hurt me, not physically but the emotional damage was worse. He called me abusive names and did many other things which made me feel like the most horrible person in the world. The regular cheerful and confident me turned into a wreck. Can't sleep, can't eat, unhappy all the time. Worse, I have to pretend to be happy so that my parents wouldn't worry. I didn't want to confide in my friends either as they wouldn't believe it... He had always been the perfect boyfriend in everyone's eyes. Besides, i believed in marriage and there was no option of divorce.

 

He ruined my life when I could have met and married someone else and had a family of my own by now. Back then, I had choices since I did have the occasional admirer. So... Since I realized he was a terrible man within the first few months of marriage, why didn't I leave him? I loved him very much then and believed that marriage was sacrosanct and I wouldn't break my vows and leave him, so I tried to convince myself that things would change, he could become the man I thought I had married. I really went into depression for about 3-4 years.. Going to bed everyday hoping that I would never wake up.. I would have killed myself except that religion disallowed that too.

This is EXACTLY why I have never married. Because people don't know what they want, or they can't say what they want, because people change, people make mistakes, and people are *******s, and there's really no way to tell. I certainly do not want to be stuck with that my whole life. I like to keep my options open.

 

Anyway, thank you very much for sharing that. You should get away from that guy, regardless of what happens with anyone else. Sorry to tell you what to do but that sounds like a really unhappy situation without possibility of repair.

[elaine567]

You need to end this sham of a marriage ASAP. Your affair is merely a symptom of the state of both your marriages. You were both drowning in the sea and by chance floated together and are therefore clinging on to each other to keep from perishing.

YOU need to go to IC to strengthen yourself and I am sure once strong you will see this affair as it really is, two weak people hanging on like grim death.

He is NOT going to leave his wife and son and this is all going to end badly with either him deciding the affair is not worth it, or his wife finds out or your husband finds out.

The latter two, may seem like good scenarios to your disordered way of thinking just now, but that will be totally disastrous, not only for them but for you too.

 

GET STRONG leave your husband, stop seeing the AP and look forward to what this world has in store for you, when you take control of our own life.

 

As for me, I have been married 8 years though it has been a sham almost from the beginning. I truly loved my boyfriend at that time (also the first and only man I had ever dated) though I had rejected him for 3 years before finally agreeing to date him. We dated for 4 years before marrying. I feel like he pursued and married me just for revenge simply because he had to have me since he always gets what he wants since young and I was the first person/thing he wanted but couldn't get. The happiest day in my relationship with my husband was our wedding day but after that I was never happy. If I had to think of happy times with him to keep myself sane, the only times were when we were dating.

 

He lied to me about important things just so I wouldn't reject marrying him. Examples? He didn't want kids, I wanted 3 but minimum 1. How can we compromise on that.... Have a dog then? Ridiculous... Our life goals didn't match and he should have told me before getting married. He only told me after marriage and when I asked why didn't he tell me earlier since I always spoke of our future and our future kids.. He had the guts to say he didn't know before marriage that he didn't want kids... What a jerk!

 

He used me too and then threw me aside when he was tired of the toy he thought he wanted but realized he didn't really want it that much after he got his "dream toy". He always tried to ask for sex before marriage but I told him that was reserved for my husband only. I suppose that could have been a reason he decided he had to marry me before he could get what he wanted. So.. Fine.. We got married and had sex like 15 times in 10 years, of which almost all of it happened within the first 2 weeks of our marriage. See what I mean by using me and then throwing me aside? Oh and we never went for a honeymoon either on his pretext of saving money. Saving what money? I've been the only one paying for the house and household bills all these years.

 

He did many other things to hurt me, not physically but the emotional damage was worse. He called me abusive names and did many other things which made me feel like the most horrible person in the world. The regular cheerful and confident me turned into a wreck. Can't sleep, can't eat, unhappy all the time. Worse, I have to pretend to be happy so that my parents wouldn't worry. I didn't want to confide in my friends either as they wouldn't believe it... He had always been the perfect boyfriend in everyone's eyes. Besides, i believed in marriage and there was no option of divorce.

 

He ruined my life when I could have met and married someone else and had a family of my own by now. Back then, I had choices since I did have the occasional admirer. So... Since I realized he was a terrible man within the first few months of marriage, why didn't I leave him? I loved him very much then and believed that marriage was sacrosanct and I wouldn't break my vows and leave him, so I tried to convince myself that things would change, he could become the man I thought I had married. I really went into depression for about 3-4 years.. Going to bed everyday hoping that I would never wake up.. I would have killed myself except that religion disallowed that too.

[whichwayisup]

I wish I met my MM 10 years ago.. If only he was the man I married..

I suggest you divorce your husband since you aren't in love with him and he deserves to be with someone who loves only him and isn't regretting marrying him. If your husband read your thread, he'd be so hurt and devastated, feel like his whole marriage to you was a lie from the beginning.

 

You're better off alone, or continuing your affair with your MM, hoping that he leaves his wife for you.

[veryhappy]

I suggest you go grab the bottle of koolaid and pour it all down the drain.

 

 

As a fMOW I am too familiar with daydreaming and being in denial, but at some point you'll need to see reality for what it is for your own sake. Yes, you could have met him 10 years ago, but didn't.

 

 

Do not have a child from the a. It's so unfair to the child, you set him up to struggle all his life. Just be the mom who wants the best for the kid. A child is not an accessory or an abstract thing. He'll be a human being you've set up for suffering from the start.

 

 

You need therapy and lot of it to untangle your thinking.

[jellybean89]

It is always hard for me to wrap my head around the "logic" of ....'I married for life cause that's my religion/faith, but it's not against that same religion/faith for me to cheat on my spouse".

 

And this Mm...he's gonna stay chained to this horrible wife/roommate so he doesn't lose his kid? Really? This is 2014, not 1952. Men get joint custody. Heck, men get better quality time in many instances of divorce because they have to actually spend time with their child versus the mother doing all the work.

 

You think this MM would entertain the idea of getting you pregnant, of course while on foreign soil so as to not feel guilty, and not have contact with this child? You really think it is fair to a child to not know it's father because you have this messed up view of marriage? And do you plan to pass this child off as your husbands?

[jackslife]

You sounded surprised that he was suddenly interested in you 'on your leaving day'...

 

I'm not. He targeted you as an ideal affair partner.

 

1. He chose you on that specific day because a) if his pass had failed it could be laughed off and you were leaving, no harm done. b) if his pass succeeded (which it did) you would be leaving the company so he could avoid the risk of his job being imperil and the gossip starting. Remember an affair between co-workers can lead to dismissal, so he was very smart there.

 

He did not flirt with you, or take you to dinner while you were working there.

 

2. You're married. This makes you a far less risk to his marriage than a single woman who would start demanding he leave his wife etc... When the affair ends (which it will), he will be able to say I'm married, you're married we never agreed to leave our partners etc. Leave your husband and he will drop you like a stone.

 

On top of that (despite all the tears etc.) he has made it clear this affair is to be conducted only within strict affair parameters. Lunch time meets, no evenings, no meets when his family is in town. etc etc. No emotional bonding for this man. Lunchtimes means hotel sex, affair compartmentalised. No risk for him having to make up excuses for late nights in the office, working weekends which his wife may find out about.

 

He has told you he won't leave his family for you. There is nothing you can say to him when the affair ends that you can blame him for. He has told you exactly where you stand.

 

From his planning and behaviour, I'd say he has had an affair before. He has avoided as much risk as possible in both getting caught and getting sucked in to weekend meets and emotional commitments - no weekends away, shopping and holding hands and planning the future together with this fella.

 

When the affair ends. He will line up someone else and move on.

[blondie51]

You mention a baby.... kiss him goodbye

His brain will begin thinking of an exit strategy.

[Versailles]

Thanks for all your responses and I do have to agree I have poor coping skills. I tend to pour 100% into a relationship and then realize I have nothing left if the other party throws away whatever I pour in. For too many years, I clung on to whatever scraps of love I still had for H but he did a great job of tearing away all remaining affection until there was nothing left. As for him getting upset if he read this, sure, he would be absolutely furious but it wouldn't be because he felt that his love was betrayed. He would be angry simply because his property didn't want to belong to him. If he ever genuinely loved me, he wouldn't have stomped on everything I ever did to reach out to him and reconnect.

 

The last straw was when he lied about a business trip and instead went to sleaze city with his friends.. And that was during our wedding anniversary weekend. I remember asking if he could try to push his trip to the next weekend and we could perhaps go for a nice dinner/date but he told me that the deal was important and it couldn't be moved. And being stupidly accommodating, I told him I was sad we couldn't spend our anniversary together but I understand I shouldn't interfere with his job and ok, we could always have a date the next weekend instead. Imagine how I felt when I happened to find out the truth, he didn't even have the basic decency to avoid our anniversary? Well done. I think I might have felt very marginally better if he had gone on a trip with a new love but no, it was boys' party weekend with random women. No matter what anyone would think of my MM, I at least know he would never do that to his wife, not on their anniversary and not on his son's birthday either. It's just basic human respect for another person whether or not you love that person.

 

Oh, and our first anniversary? It was going well, we had a nice dinner and a hotel room courtesy of the same hotel we had held our wedding at 1 year earlier. It was close to a perfect night out with good food, good conversation and good atmosphere until we got back to our hotel room. Seemed like a good time to surprise him with a nice outfit and perhaps be intimate for the first time since the first 2 weeks of the wedding. Got told not to be a slut, plus I was too fat and unattractive and other things. Cried the rest of the night, meanwhile H decided he was too tired to deal with me and went to sleep. First, I don't see how that could be true.. 5ft2 (1.6m) and 120 pounds (55kg) is no featherweight but no sane doctor would have classified this as fat. Second, there are nicer ways of rejecting sexual advances from your spouse when you are not interested.

 

Not that I have no faults, but I do feel that no matter what my faults are, I do not deserve to be treated so badly. Even an arranged marriage with no love would have been better if there was at least mutual respect.

 

I know I could have exited any time in the past 8 years but I didn't see the point of going against my beliefs (no divorce) when I felt that I couldn't possibly be any happier. Now, I do realize that this possibility exists though I am still too cowardly to upset the current status quo when there is no pot of gold waiting for me when I exit. Religion and beliefs still do matter to me though it feels like I've already broken most of the rules but joy is truly addictive! It's no excuse but I can't bear to give up the first true happiness I've ever felt in almost a decade. In my mind, I've tried to analyze if this is true love or just clinging on to someone else who happens also to be clinging to me. But I don't think so. I've met many people at work in different companies and I have never felt attracted to or tried to attract anyone. It's only this man that something just clicked into place and we suddenly couldn't stop seeing each other. For him, he had even more opportunities to stray if he wanted. He genuinely has many business trips a year and up till now, he still has random women hitting on him sometimes. He has always ignored all of them and had long decided that he would devote himself to his son and that he was obliged to look after the wife who had given him the best thing that ever happened in his life. I love him all the more for the commitment he shows to his family. Had he been ready to leave his wife, I wouldn't love and respect him as much.

[Versailles]

I don't want to get caught in A but that is more out of consideration for him than me. He has more to lose, his subordinates, his business associates, his reputation, his son.

 

I believe he loves me and i would be happy enough to have his child and a part of him with me even if he cannot be with me. And no, I would not pass the child off as H's child. First, it would hurt the child terribly if he/she found out in future that his/her dad is not actually the dad. Second, I have no desire at all to be intimate with H even if H were willing, which H wouldn't be anyway.

 

I believe MM once dreamed of having a child with me but he changed his mind because he realized he couldn't keep his promises to 2 families. He did tell me before that he had always wanted more children and if we had a child, he would feel so happy looking at our lovely baby. But knowing his character...just as he feels great responsibility to his wife and son, he would feel a similar responsibility to me and our child (if there was one)... And he would end up feeling guilty short changing both of them of their father's love.

 

Sigh... Just as I typed the above and realized how he would feel, I suddenly understand why he would never agree to have a child even if I promised never to interrupt his current lifestyle... Because he wouldn't allow our child to be without a father... And yet he cannot deprive his son of his father either... He can be half a father to both or just a father to one... And he won't choose being half a father

 

I don't know what I will do if/when one day he decides to exit except that I can't blame him and the best I can hope for is to remain platonic friends. I guess that would be better than nothing and I would rather remain friends with him than never see him again.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You seem to be under some impression that one of your relationships are unhealthy. They both are.

 

If you feel that your husband has not upheld his end of the relationship you are justified in divorcing him. You are not justified on ****ting all over someone else's marriage.

 

Funny how all the things that you dislike about how your husband treats you. Going to sleazy city, having sex with random women, not having sex with you...etc....and your MM treats his wife exactly the same way and you pontificate what an admirable husband he is because he would never do that on his Anniversary or sons bday.

 

Do you really think his wife would feel the same way?

 

And FTR...the dating pool for a married person is pretty shallow. That is why they have a more difficult time finding "the one", not because any soulmate is at play.

 

A healthy person would be offended at being offered the OW/OM hat badge.

[SoleMate]

Versailles, both of these relationships are bad for you. The fact that you can't see this means that your judgment is impaired in some way. I'm concerned you may be suffering from depression, which is clouding your thinking and making you feel like you're trapped. Yet based on objective facts, you are NOT trapped, you can readily be free to live a healthy life and leave these two obnoxious users (H and MM) behind. Please get individual psychological counseling. To make it a good use of time, show your counselor this thread (e.g. print it out and bring it with you).

 

Now is the time to act. Get out of these messes, get through the pain of the chaos and loneliness (although these may not feel as bad if you have a real, self-loving plan to go forward), and build a new, authentic life, founded on emotional good health and honesty towards others and towards yourself.

 

It concerns me greatly that you've only had 2 male partners and they're both worthless, obnoxious users who treat you like crap. Their behavior is their responsibility, and the fact that you accept it and even defend it against logic is on you. No more male partners until you are healthy enough to choose a good one.

[whichwayisup]

Respectfully, you need some counseling. You have a warped way of looking at things and your life is the way it is by your own choices now.

 

 

I know I could have exited any time in the past 8 years but I didn't see the point of going against my beliefs (no divorce) when I felt that I couldn't possibly be any happier. Now, I do realize that this possibility exists though I am still too cowardly to upset the current status quo when there is no pot of gold waiting for me when I exit.

 

So if there isn't someone waiting in the wings for you, you're gonna stay in a marriage with a husband that you don't love, don't respect, and he feels the same towards you, reek the benefits of staying married and be unhappy, rather than be on your own, be happier and independent. What are you afraid of? Please don't use religion or your belief in marriage. You wouldn't have gone outside your marriage if that was the case. I get that your H has caused a lot of damage in your marriage too, but that still doesn't justify what's happening now.