I wish I met my MM 10 years ago.. If only he was the man I married...

[whichwayisup]

What does he mean by he can't manage his emotions? Why did he trail off while talking about this? What is going through his mind? I want to understand so that I can know how I can best help him.. I feel so sad seeing him look so lost...

 

He just has too much going on and can't deal with or face what he feels for you and where it's leading. He's in no position to promise you anything and make plans for the future pertaining you and him. He may feel bad/guilty too about what he's doing behind his wife's back with all that is going on with her mom (his MIL) and knows he'll be made out to be the devil if he leaves her any time soon. He'll have tons of people to face and a huge fallout, a lot of challenges and changes.

 

May I ask what you expectation level is with him? Keep things going as an affair indefinitely or are you hoping in time he'll divorce his wife and be with you full time?

 

All you can do is give him space, meaning, don't push 'the talks' with him about emotions and how he is feeling. Most men clam up when they are stressed and deal with things quietly and in their own way. If/when he wants to talk, he'll find you, but until then just allow him time to deal with everything else in his life. He has too much going on and probably can't give much to you and invest in you right now.

[jellybean89]

So for the last month or so, he's been focused on everything but you...yet he said he is there for you? So where has he been for the last month +?

 

He is telling you to not expect much more than lunch and hand holding from him. He has other priorities and he is bonding with his wife. The holidays have shown him where his heart truly lies. You have made it very clear to him that your world revolves around him any you are willing to wait on the sidelines until he has time for lunch.

 

Do you really see this as the rest of your life? I would bet if his MIL dies, you will become obsolete. His wife's grieving will be his entire focus and he will ensure he is there for her.

 

How long are you willing to be his hand holding lunch companion?

[clevelander321]

So for the last month or so, he's been focused on everything but you...yet he said he is there for you? So where has he been for the last month +?

 

He is telling you to not expect much more than lunch and hand holding from him. He has other priorities and he is bonding with his wife. The holidays have shown him where his heart truly lies. You have made it very clear to him that your world revolves around him any you are willing to wait on the sidelines until he has time for lunch.

 

Do you really see this as the rest of your life? I would bet if his MIL dies, you will become obsolete. His wife's grieving will be his entire focus and he will ensure he is there for her.

 

How long are you willing to be his hand holding lunch companion?

 

What is it in our human psychology that makes us want something we cannot and should not have? millions of single men she could connect with and have a regular and real relationship, but something enters her mind that will make her seemingly do anything to be with an unnattainable man?

[Versailles]

Clevelander321, I just wanted to clarify that my D is a result of H's actions and my A had nothing to do with it. I put up with H for more than 8 years despite differences and his unjustified behavior towards me but finding out that he regularly visits prostitutes and that he even brought at least one to our home on our bed.. Well that was the last straw.

 

He never paid for the household bills or other expenses claiming that he needed the cash for his business... How wonderful to find out that the true reason why he never had any cash was because paid sex and hotels are expensive. Interestingly enough, he is the "nice" type and he brings them on dates before or after sex. Best of all, he has also given them branded bags as gifts for those he patronizes regularly. On the other hand, Ive never received anything like that as a gift from him, wow that makes me feel very special! Arghhh... Enough said.

[Versailles]

May I ask what you expectation level is with him? Keep things going as an affair indefinitely or are you hoping in time he'll divorce his wife and be with you full time?

 

All you can do is give him space, meaning, don't push 'the talks' with him about emotions and how he is feeling. Most men clam up when they are stressed and deal with things quietly and in their own way. If/when he wants to talk, he'll find you, but until then just allow him time to deal with everything else in his life. He has too much going on and probably can't give much to you and invest in you right now.

 

Hmm my expectation level? In the short term, I just want things to continue as they are and this expectation has been met. MM assured me that he loves me and those feelings have not changed despite everything else happening. He also assured me that we will certainly continue to meet and have lunch together as often as we can.

 

In the longer term, I expect MM to let me know what he thinks our future could be so that I can make plans for myself too. He may just want things to remain status quo forever or he may really want to have a second family with me or he may want to end things between is. Whatever it is, he can let me know and I will move on from there. Personally I would love for him to commit to us being together.. Whether that means marrying me or having me as his second family, i would accept either though preference is for proper marriage. If he can't commit anything, then I want him to tell me properly and I will start dating other men again and hopefully find someone like him who is single and wants to be with me.

 

So I will give him space like he wanted and as you have suggested too.. How long a time period should I give him to make a decision? I don't want to wait forever as I am in my mid thirties and if he decides to end things, I would still want to find someone whom I can love and have a family with... if at all possible...

[clevelander321]

Clevelander321, I just wanted to clarify that my D is a result of H's actions and my A had nothing to do with it. I put up with H for more than 8 years despite differences and his unjustified behavior towards me but finding out that he regularly visits prostitutes and that he even brought at least one to our home on our bed.. Well that was the last straw.

 

He never paid for the household bills or other expenses claiming that he needed the cash for his business... How wonderful to find out that the true reason why he never had any cash was because paid sex and hotels are expensive. Interestingly enough, he is the "nice" type and he brings them on dates before or after sex. Best of all, he has also given them branded bags as gifts for those he patronizes regularly. On the other hand, Ive never received anything like that as a gift from him, wow that makes me feel very special! Arghhh... Enough said.

 

 

I don't know your individual situation... But let me give an example..

 

I supported my family completely for 4 years... All of my money went so they have the best of everything.. I was spending about 6000 a month..

 

My wife then got a part time job making about $800 a month. Going through her bank statements she spent about $600 on clothes just for herself, and the rest on some eating out or groceries..

 

So, I basically spent about 280,000 and she spent about $1200 of money she earned.

 

She would tell me that she was supporting the family! That she was the provider....She told everyone this...

 

The mind can do some really crazy things once a woman is involved in a passionate affair. If you are a woman and having sex with another man, I feel any and all complaints should be questioned. Almost all of the time they will grasp onto anything to alleviate guilt, or not look like the one who broke a family up.

 

Add to this the woman is happy to have a second family with a married man...

 

Why just this one guy? I don't get it..

[MuddyFootprints]

It's nice that you have someone to hold your hand through these next very difficult steps.

 

I know women friends aren't easy, but please try to find one or two you can turn to. You are going to need them.

[Versailles]

Clevelander321, given the financials you mentioned... It's ridiculous for your wife to claim that she's supporting the family financially.. Perhaps she meant she was supporting in other ways like kids, housework, gardening, etc?

 

I have no doubt I am in the wrong for starting A no matter what the background circumstances are, and I really wish I could have fallen in love with someone else single instead, but fact remains that I do love him, he is the person who really connects with me and is perfect to me despite his faults. Unfortunately it's hard for me to find someone I love and MM is the second man I have ever loved other than H.

 

So yes, I question myself why him either.... Can't there be someone else like him who is single and whom I could have a non-secretive relationship with? But then again, men like him are unlikely to be single in their forties.. They have way too many choices because of their eligibility... I am surprised myself that my MM loves me, if he ever announced that he was looking for a date, other younger/prettier women would come running.

 

I did ask MM why me of all people and he doesn't know why either, he could only explain that he felt an instant connection with me the first time we met as well as a really strange deja vu feeling that he had known me his whole life and that feeling kept getting reinforced in all our interactions since. He had initially tried to get to know me better to get rid of those feelings as he thought they would disappear once he got to know me and I would drop into his normal circle of acquaintances. Unfortunately for him (and me), apparently everything I did only added to that connection he felt, resulting in our eventual attraction (emotional, mental, physical) to each other and A.

[DKT3]

I really don't intend this as an insult but you honestly sound like a 16 year old girl, full of delutions and living in a cheesy romcom.

 

Your story really sounds like the topical wayward wife where the husband is the devil recinate who did everything wrong in the marriage while you were perfect until you could no longer take it, when all of a sudden here falls into your lap your soulmate, the guy who opened your eyes to life as you have never seen it before.

 

When in reality its more likely that as you fell for this guy you husband become worse with every boundary crossed. Its really the only way one can justify the affair.

 

And as the story goes you ruin your marriage thinking that your clearing the way to be with MM. HOWEVER, if you watch his actions and stop listening to his word you will see he will NEVER leave his marriage. So here you are, divorced spent 6, 7, 8 years waiting and still in the same spot. He is living his life with you on the side clinging to every word and living this fantasy were you two will be together.

 

I don't know you, your husband or MM, but we all know this story. Maybe your husband is worthless, I doubt he is anywhere near what your saying as your tales of him seem to morph with every post. Maybe your married man is great, even through he is after all lying and cheating (how great could he be). One thing I know for 100%, your marriage being horrible is 50% your fault. The method in which you are dealing with it is 100% on you.

 

One day, if you continue down this path you will wake up all alone and full of regrets and what if's.

 

I wish you the best of luck

[beach]

Hmm my expectation level? In the short term, I just want things to continue as they are and this expectation has been met. MM assured me that he loves me and those feelings have not changed despite everything else happening. He also assured me that we will certainly continue to meet and have lunch together as often as we can.

 

In the longer term, I expect MM to let me know what he thinks our future could be so that I can make plans for myself too. He may just want things to remain status quo forever or he may really want to have a second family with me or he may want to end things between is. Whatever it is, he can let me know and I will move on from there. Personally I would love for him to commit to us being together.. Whether that means marrying me or having me as his second family, i would accept either though preference is for proper marriage. If he can't commit anything, then I want him to tell me properly and I will start dating other men again and hopefully find someone like him who is single and wants to be with me.

 

So I will give him space like he wanted and as you have suggested too.. How long a time period should I give him to make a decision? I don't want to wait forever as I am in my mid thirties and if he decides to end things, I would still want to find someone whom I can love and have a family with... if at all possible...

 

Your MM may never give you those answers you want.

 

The only way to find out is to demand your answer now. Yep, start demanding to know by his actions. Actions that prove he is divorcing and intends to be with you.

 

You could literally be ten years waiting.

 

You are a grown woman. Stop placing your whole future and happiness in the hands of a man that hasn't given you hope that he is changing his life for you.

 

When a man really wants a woman he stops at nothing to be only with her. He isn't showing signs of doing that.

 

I think he's leaving you empty handed for his own selfish gain.

 

I hope you begin deciding what's best for YOU instead of being at the mercy of what he will or won't do. You've handed him ALL your power.

[clevelander321]

When in reality its more likely that as you fell for this guy you husband become worse with every boundary crossed. Its really the only way one can justify the affair.

 

 

Exactly... I don't even think what OP is doing is unique in these situations.. The mind has a way to block out all good memories during an affair, and they really believe everything in the past was absolutely horrible. And yes, naturally things in a marriage get worse during an affair.

 

It's also too bad people do not think of the children.. I feel great looking back and knowing my mother and father were not cheaters.. It still guides me today. If my dad left for another woman I would most likely view him much differently, and perhaps even conduct myself differently.

 

It just seems so selfish. At the end of the day MM will probably end up resenting you greatly if things turn out poorly with his son due to all of this.

[Gigigirl]

Exactly... I don't even think what OP is doing is unique in these situations.. The mind has a way to block out all good memories during an affair, and they really believe everything in the past was absolutely horrible. And yes, naturally things in a marriage get worse during an affair.

 

It's also too bad people do not think of the children.. I feel great looking back and knowing my mother and father were not cheaters.. It still guides me today. If my dad left for another woman I would most likely view him much differently, and perhaps even conduct myself differently.

 

It just seems so selfish. At the end of the day MM will probably end up resenting you greatly if things turn out poorly with his son due to all of this.

 

Just want to point out that you have no way to confirm that. Like your parents would tell you anyway . Some MM never leave and actually take their affairs to the grave and MW are even better at hiding affairs forever.

 

The MM needs to resent himself for what he is doing to his son, blaming OW is pure BS.

[Versailles]

Your story really sounds like the topical wayward wife where the husband is the devil recinate who did everything wrong in the marriage while you were perfect until you could no longer take it, when all of a sudden here falls into your lap your soulmate, the guy who opened your eyes to life as you have never seen it before.

 

When in reality its more likely that as you fell for this guy you husband become worse with every boundary crossed. Its really the only way one can justify the affair.

 

I'm not disputing the idea that H might have become worse after I started A, but this has only been going on for 1.5 years whereas H has been unfaithful for at least the past 5 years and probably even before that. I can definitely say that before these last 1.5 years, I have been devoted to H. If MM did not exist, I would still proceed to delete H out of my life.

 

Sure, I am in the wrong for falling for MM, but H certainly opened the way. If a man asks the wife to shoulder all the financial responsibilities and refuses physical intimacy and regularly gives verbal insults and causes emotional damage, is it really a big surprise when she leaves him someday regardless of whether OM is involved?

 

I would have felt a whole lot more regret and guilt if say, I found that H's wayward behavior had started in the past 1.5 years. But no, it had been going on much longer than I had thought, at least 5 years.

 

And btw, after I found out details of H's behavior and announced D, his first question was how I found out, followed by come back home and lets talk.. Not sorry. And come to think of it, up till now, he still hasn't apologized... I would at least apologize if H knew about A.. But H doesn't know.. And didn't bother to apologize for visiting prostitutes...

[DKT3]

I'm not disputing the idea that H might have become worse after I started A, but this has only been going on for 1.5 years whereas H has been unfaithful for at least the past 5 years and probably even before that. I can definitely say that before these last 1.5 years, I have been devoted to H. If MM did not exist, I would still proceed to delete H out of my life.

 

Sure, I am in the wrong for falling for MM, but H certainly opened the way. If a man asks the wife to shoulder all the financial responsibilities and refuses physical intimacy and regularly gives verbal insults and causes emotional damage, is it really a big surprise when she leaves him someday regardless of whether OM is involved?

 

I would have felt a whole lot more regret and guilt if say, I found that H's wayward behavior had started in the past 1.5 years. But no, it had been going on much longer than I had thought, at least 5 years.

 

And btw, after I found out details of H's behavior and announced D, his first question was how I found out, followed by come back home and lets talk.. Not sorry. And come to think of it, up till now, he still hasn't apologized... I would at least apologize if H knew about A.. But H doesn't know.. And didn't bother to apologize for visiting prostitutes...

 

Your missing my point. Whatever nasty things your husband did, maybe did, or totally made up didn't or doesn't justify you having an affair. Those are your actions and yours alone.

 

The thing is, if the MM was so great even if you had a fantasic marriage you would have still fall for him right? Since it was not what you intended. Or would you have cut off your involvement with MM because you had a fantasic marriiage?

 

Point being you our in control of your life, no matter if its the one you had with your husband or the one you have with MM. What you are willing to accept is your road to travel.

 

From the cheap seats it appears that your married man if offering you about the same as your husband did, so why settle for that? Would you be accepting of dating a single guy that runs off with another woman for weeks at a time and pretty much cutting you out of his life? Only to pop back up with baby I love you? Of course you wouldn't, so what's the difference here?

 

Like in your marriage you get what you demand or you get what you want from someone willing to give it. The odds are this is all you will ever get from MM is that enough? Or would you like a life and family of your own?

[clevelander321]

Just want to point out that you have no way to confirm that. Like your parents would tell you anyway . Some MM never leave and actually take their affairs to the grave and MW are even better at hiding affairs forever.

 

The MM needs to resent himself for what he is doing to his son, blaming OW is pure BS.

 

I am 100% positive I never saw my parents with another man or woman..

 

I am 100% positive neither of my parents left the other for another man or woman..

 

What we are talking about is how OP ideally would like for this MM to leave his family for her. The son would obviously see this and find out. Right?

[DKT3]

I am 100% positive I never saw my parents with another man or woman..

 

I am 100% positive neither of my parents left the other for another man or woman..

 

What we are talking about is how OP ideally would like for this MM to leave his family for her. The son would obviously see this and find out. Right?

 

When I was a young man, late teens early 20's I kinda lived my life in the grey zone of the law. During that time I did things that before or since I found/find unmentionable. Also during that time I saw others doing the same as ok, not such a big deal. I couldn't see how other would have an issue with it. Saying that they were bad would mean I was also, right?

 

Most of the people here are good people who just simply don't see how their actions and decisions affect the lives of others, doesn't mean its the intent to hurt them.

[Gigigirl]

I am 100% positive I never saw my parents with another man or woman..

 

I am 100% positive neither of my parents left the other for another man or woman..

 

What we are talking about is how OP ideally would like for this MM to leave his family for her. The son would obviously see this and find out. Right?

 

Why would you see it? What parent will really flaunt an affair in front of their child?

 

Why would you see your parents leave for OW/OM? It's not that common. Just because they don't leave doesn't mean they don't cheat.

 

You will actually be surprised how many long term marriages (20, 30, 40+ years) have had some form of infidelty go on.

 

Yes, sure the son can see and find out. But the MM has no reason to resent the OW for this. It is his fault what his son sees.

[clevelander321]

Why would you see it? What parent will really flaunt an affair in front of their child?

 

Why would you see your parents leave for OW/OM? It's not that common. Just because they don't leave doesn't mean they don't cheat.

 

You will actually be surprised how many long term marriages (20, 30, 40+ years) have had some form of infidelty go on.

 

Yes, sure the son can see and find out. But the MM has no reason to resent the OW for this. It is his fault what his son sees.

 

 

Ugh... The OP wants the OM to leave his family for her.. I was simply saying think of other people involved...

[Versailles]

The thing is, if the MM was so great even if you had a fantasic marriage you would have still fall for him right? Since it was not what you intended. Or would you have cut off your involvement with MM because you had a fantasic marriiage?

 

If the marriage had been good or even just passable, if H had been a decent husband (i.e. faithful to me, providing his 50% share financially, does not do emotional abuse), I would have rejected OM no matter how amazing he is. I might or might not have regretted giving up OM but at least I would know I had kept my marriage vows to a good husband.

[Versailles]

Ugh... The OP wants the OM to leave his family for her.. I was simply saying think of other people involved...

 

I AM thinking of other people involved... That's why I only said ideally... I wouldn't try to force MM to leave if he didn't want to. But if he did want to, it's better that it happens now while his son is still young, it would be a whole lot worse if it happens when his son is already a teenager.

 

Every situation is different and while I agree that a principal family unit is best left intact, there are cases where the child benefits from a more harmonious home after the parents split. In my case, I don't know how things will play out but I do know I cannot let MM lose custody of his son and if I get a chance to be his son's mother, I would love him like my own son.

 

Anyway all this is just thinking too far ahead, I am quite certain that MM will veer more towards dropping our relationship or continuing but I'll have to be his secret second family. I'll understand more of what's going through his mind when he starts sharing the things that happened over the past 2 months that has put him in emotional turmoil.

[Lurkeraspect]

I AM thinking of other people involved... That's why I only said ideally... I wouldn't try to force MM to leave if he didn't want to. But if he did want to, it's better that it happens now while his son is still young, it would be a whole lot worse if it happens when his son is already a teenager.

 

Every situation is different and while I agree that a principal family unit is best left intact, there are cases where the child benefits from a more harmonious home after the parents split. In my case, I don't know how things will play out but I do know I cannot let MM lose custody of his son and if I get a chance to be his son's mother, I would love him like my own son.

 

Anyway all this is just thinking too far ahead, I am quite certain that MM will veer more towards dropping our relationship or continuing but I'll have to be his secret second family. I'll understand more of what's going through his mind when he starts sharing the things that happened over the past 2 months that has put him in emotional turmoil.

 

First of all you can't "force" anyone to do anything. If he ever leaves his wife (which is highly doubtful) it will be his choice, as you're just the bystander waiting in the wings.

 

Also, when and if MM and his BS divorce, you will Never (not in 100 years) ever be this boys mother. See, that job was filled when she carried him, gave birth to him and cared for him. Best you can hope for is the step mother, and it's also likely all you'll ever be was the person who assisted the break up of his family. And as far as custody goes...again, you have no control over that either.

 

You're truly living in a fantasy.

[beach]

If the marriage had been good or even just passable, if H had been a decent husband (i.e. faithful to me, providing his 50% share financially, does not do emotional abuse), I would have rejected OM no matter how amazing he is. I might or might not have regretted giving up OM but at least I would know I had kept my marriage vows to a good husband.

 

A vow is taken and a promise is made. Just because your H didn't keep his vow doesn't justify you seeking revenge and betraying your own integrity.

 

And then choosing to step into another marriage and now considering breaking that M apart isn't a solution to keeping your integrity intact.

 

What are you planning to forfeit next?

 

You're plotting to steal someone's husband - nothing about that is right - no matter how you want to twist this.

[whichwayisup]

In my case, I don't know how things will play out but I do know I cannot let MM lose custody of his son and if I get a chance to be his son's mother, I would love him like my own son.

 

This is pretty serious and dangerous territory you're thinking about. It's one thing to be a friend and a step mom to MM's son, but to think you'll replace her and BE his mother is quite unrealistic and unfair to his son, so disrespectful to him, his dad and his mother.

 

I really hope you meant being a step mom to his son and not "mom" to his son and you just worded it wrong.

 

Nobody can replace his flesh and blood mother, the woman who carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him. Even if you and MM do end up together, please don't ever try to replace her, that's hurtful.

[bathtub-row]

I haven't really followed this post but just based on the title and the last couple of posts from OP, I'll just say that I was once really attracted to someone while I was married to my son's dad. But, the truth is, even though I ended up leaving my husband, I knew he didn't deserve to be cheated on. I didn't leave him because I had feelings for someone else. I left him because he was impossible to live with. I never regretted NOT cheating on him, though.

 

You can wish and wish that you had met MM 10 yrs ago, but it won't change anything. And you really don't know how things would've been. I've often thought about that with my xMM but don't really have an answer. I think we would've been great together but for some reason, life did not bring us together. At that point in time, we did not "attract" one another. I just keep thinking that there must be a reason for that.

[Versailles]

I really hope you meant being a step mom to his son and not "mom" to his son and you just worded it wrong.

 

Sorry yes, I did mean stepmother and not as a replacement of the real mom.