I wish I met my MM 10 years ago.. If only he was the man I married...

[Versailles]

First up, I need to clarify that D is happening now irrespective of whether MM existed. Perhaps it's happening sooner because of MM but it would have happened eventually...

 

I told MM of my unilateral decision just a week ago as I hit the last straw with H and decided to leave for good. As many people on this forum have mentioned, in such situations the MM normally gets worried and starts to backtrack but I am confused over my MM's reaction. Things are status quo and actually I think MM seems happier than before??

 

Anyway his first reaction when I told him was that he was sorry he hadn't been around for me (because I decided over the weekend) and that no matter what happened, his feelings for me hadnt changed and he still loves me very much. Other than that, he admitted he was confused as a lot of things were going on in his life over the past couple of months and he doesn't really know how he feels and he has been having trouble managing his emotions as he has also recently felt a bit closer to W after his MIL was diagnosed with cancer and the event gave them something they had in common other than their son. He didn't know how to react to my news but he agreed that we should continue to meet whenever we can and things remain status quo for now.

 

That was our initial conversation but now after a week, I feel that he somehow seems happier than before when we meet. I wonder if this is because he is happy that he doesn't have to think of me belonging to someone else anymore or is he merely happy that we can hang out more now with privacy at the new place I've rented, or maybe both?

 

how much time should i give him before telling him he has to make a decision whether there's an "us" in the future? I love him and don't want to leave him but if he is sure there is no "us", I guess I need to leave him eventually too.. For the record, he had mentioned before that he can't abandon his family and he cannot lose his son. I had originally thought that with the news of my D, he might just tell me everything is over but nothing like that happened.. Is this a good sign or bad sign? I don't know if my decision to leave H has got him wondering if he can do the same or whether he's just delaying because he doesn't want me to leave him now that i am free to do whatever I want with my life.

 

At the moment, I do believe he is genuinely confused and feeling lost and doesn't know what to do either since he apparently has 2 things he can't give up and both are seemingly mutually exclusive. I suppose I could always be wrong and maybe he is just delaying things as a tactic... But I don't know... I will give him time, I just don't know how long I should wait...

[Mal78]

First up, I need to clarify that D is happening now irrespective of whether MM existed. Perhaps it's happening sooner because of MM but it would have happened eventually...

 

I told MM of my unilateral decision just a week ago as I hit the last straw with H and decided to leave for good. As many people on this forum have mentioned, in such situations the MM normally gets worried and starts to backtrack but I am confused over my MM's reaction. Things are status quo and actually I think MM seems happier than before??

 

Anyway his first reaction when I told him was that he was sorry he hadn't been around for me (because I decided over the weekend) and that no matter what happened, his feelings for me hadnt changed and he still loves me very much. Other than that, he admitted he was confused as a lot of things were going on in his life over the past couple of months and he doesn't really know how he feels and he has been having trouble managing his emotions as he has also recently felt a bit closer to W after his MIL was diagnosed with cancer and the event gave them something they had in common other than their son. He didn't know how to react to my news but he agreed that we should continue to meet whenever we can and things remain status quo for now.

 

That was our initial conversation but now after a week, I feel that he somehow seems happier than before when we meet. I wonder if this is because he is happy that he doesn't have to think of me belonging to someone else anymore or is he merely happy that we can hang out more now with privacy at the new place I've rented, or maybe both?

 

how much time should i give him before telling him he has to make a decision whether there's an "us" in the future? I love him and don't want to leave him but if he is sure there is no "us", I guess I need to leave him eventually too.. For the record, he had mentioned before that he can't abandon his family and he cannot lose his son. I had originally thought that with the news of my D, he might just tell me everything is over but nothing like that happened.. Is this a good sign or bad sign? I don't know if my decision to leave H has got him wondering if he can do the same or whether he's just delaying because he doesn't want me to leave him now that i am free to do whatever I want with my life.

 

At the moment, I do believe he is genuinely confused and feeling lost and doesn't know what to do either since he apparently has 2 things he can't give up and both are seemingly mutually exclusive. I suppose I could always be wrong and maybe he is just delaying things as a tactic... But I don't know... I will give him time, I just don't know how long I should wait...

 

I think you can give him eternity and he still won't leave his wife and child for you.

 

It seems it's time for a complete cleanse and purge.

 

As for his display of happiness over your D I think you are bang on. Which if you really think about it is very sad and incredibly selfish on his part.

 

I really hope you can finally find peace in all this. No one needs this torment in their life.

[MuddyFootprints]

Ideally, I'd give him until tomorrow.

 

Realistically, I know that isn't going to happen.

 

My wish for you is that you don't allow him to string you on for very much longer.

[Sassy Girl]

I think he's already told you that he won't be leaving his marriage. So why are you expecting any different?

 

I think you're right about enjoying the freedom of your new place. Certainly makes things easier. But you know your place is on the side, not the centre. That place is taken and he's told you he's not changing it.

 

He's actually being quite honest - he is feeling closer to his wife, is focused more on family and has said he wants the status quo. Yea I think he's stalling. He doesn't want things to change.

 

There's only one way to get your answer. Ask him

[beach]

He's telling you already.

 

Expect him to pull away now... Because you are available and want more and he doesn't intend to give more - but just wants you available to him when he can meet you.

 

You are his OW and he expects you to act like it - which means keep quiet and stay invisible to his real life.

 

Is that good enough for you?

[still_an_Angel]

It appears he's happy that you'd be more available for him, with a new pad to boot, no more worries from your end about your H finding out and all that drama.

 

 

I think you should give it a lot of time to enjoy being single and finding yourself after you D. You're already placing your happiness on him and thinking about ending up with him when he has clearly stated that he feels more connected to his W after the news about his MIL.

 

 

Enjoy your freedom, maybe over time you will discover that you have other options about your future relationships. Anyways, I don't know how the D process goes in the US, but I know separating from a spouse takes a long time to sort out, it took me over 2 years to sort myself out after my H left. We agreed to reconcile and then it was about a year after we separated (again) to finish everything. Too many ties to cut loose and we have kids and assets to wade through. And it doesn't stop there, we are not completely far from each other as much as I would like, we have to communicate because of kids and other finances.

 

 

I think this process alone should take up a lot of your time and energy, and will require your concentration. MM will still be there, remember, you are the one who is free while he has to work around his work, family, etc to be with you.

 

 

Never give him all the power in this relationship, you actually hold more than him because you are free (or going to be free soon).

Edited January 11, 2015 by still_an_Angel
spelling

[beach]

IF he really wanted ONLY you - he would have said "that's great, I'll divorce my wife to be with you now" - but he didn't.

 

So expect nothing. That way YOU won't be disappointed.

 

When the divorce is final start dating available men. Your MM doesn't plan to change his life for you becoming available and free.

[jellybean89]

 

 

Every situation is different and while I agree that a principal family unit is best left intact, there are cases where the child benefits from a more harmonious home after the parents split. In my case, I don't know how things will play out but I do know I cannot let MM lose custody of his son and if I get a chance to be his son's mother, I would love him like my own son.

 

 

I don't think it was a "slip" that you said MOM vs stepmom. I really think you are living such a fantasy in your head.

 

You haven't had kids. You cannot say you would love him as your own. The kid may hate you, bad mouth you and be utterly disrespectful to you. Guarantee you won't love him when that is going on.

 

You also talk about being the MM's second family - you aren't that! You are his hidden mistress. Not his 2nd wife, not a baby momma to a child...you are a woman who "loves" a MM.

 

I think his "happiness" of late is his reconnection with his wife. He is feeling more for her. Doesn't matter if you have a new place...he has already told you and shown you he won't have sex with you unless you are on foreign soil - a different state than his wife. You two meet for lunch. That's it. That's barely a "love affair" ... It's a lunch date.

 

I think he sees your utter obsession with him as a reason to keep this charade going as he can't trust you to not tell his wife of the affair. So he keeps having lunch with you to keep you stable. I think he will eventually tell you his guilt is too much and/or have another family medical emergency so as to distance himself from you.

 

Go ahead now and ask him how long you are going to be the Ow. He has told you he isn't divorcing his wife. So not sure what you are hoping to hear from him. I know you really think he is your knight in shining armor....but if he really loved you, he would want to BE with you...not keep you as a hidden mistress. He made his choice. I hope you can see that continuing this is only hurting you. He's not looking out for you.

[Versailles]

I think he's already told you that he won't be leaving his marriage. So why are you expecting any different?

 

I think you're right about enjoying the freedom of your new place. Certainly makes things easier. But you know your place is on the side, not the centre. That place is taken and he's told you he's not changing it.

 

He's actually being quite honest - he is feeling closer to his wife, is focused more on family and has said he wants the status quo. Yea I think he's stalling. He doesn't want things to change.

 

There's only one way to get your answer. Ask him

 

He did tell me he wouldn't abandon his family but that was before I told him about my divorce, which is why I was mostly expecting to be told that our relationship was over once I told him about D... It's just contrary to all my earlier expectations that now he seems happier than ever and I am further confused by him also saying he feels lost and can't manage his emotions.. He loves me and his feelings have not changed but he's also feeling closer to his wife now. I could ask him again but his answer would still be that he doesn't know as he is genuinely not sure either..

 

I mean.. Given all his earlier talk about him being unable to abandon his family and now he actually feels closer to W than before, it seems logical that he would tell me to end everything. Or maybe this is what is going to happen, just that he's not going to do it right now.

 

Or perhaps now that he knows I am free, he is actually worried about losing me so despite his earlier talk about not giving up his family, he might be considering it (to a small extent maybe?) and that's why he didn't declare an end to our relationship?

 

I suppose what I can do now is continue status quo with MM and give him time to think what he really wants between the 2 mutually exclusive things he apparently can't give up. And in the meantime while status quo is ongoing with MM, I should settle D with H, so altogether MM should have another 2-4 months of status quo.

 

When D is complete, I may give MM an ultimatum that either he commits to a long term relationship (it need not be as his legal wife, after all, what good does a piece of paper do other than for official documentation? It certainly didn't do anything for me and H.. It's the character and heart of the person that really counts, not a silly legal doc which at best governs financial matters) or I end my commitment to him and date again. It sounds like a good plan as I'm typing it out now but I don't know if I have the heart to break it off if he refuses to commit. I know that if he promises to commit, he won't break the promise easily.

[Lurkeraspect]

He did tell me he wouldn't abandon his family but that was before I told him about my divorce, which is why I was mostly expecting to be told that our relationship was over once I told him about D... It's just contrary to all my earlier expectations that now he seems happier than ever and I am further confused by him also saying he feels lost and can't manage his emotions.. He loves me and his feelings have not changed but he's also feeling closer to his wife now. I could ask him again but his answer would still be that he doesn't know as he is genuinely not sure either..

 

I mean.. Given all his earlier talk about him being unable to abandon his family and now he actually feels closer to W than before, it seems logical that he would tell me to end everything. Or maybe this is what is going to happen, just that he's not going to do it right now.

 

Or perhaps now that he knows I am free, he is actually worried about losing me so despite his earlier talk about not giving up his family, he might be considering it (to a small extent maybe?) and that's why he didn't declare an end to our relationship?

 

I suppose what I can do now is continue status quo with MM and give him time to think what he really wants between the 2 mutually exclusive things he apparently can't give up. And in the meantime while status quo is ongoing with MM, I should settle D with H, so altogether MM should have another 2-4 months of status quo.

 

When D is complete, I may give MM an ultimatum that either he commits to a long term relationship (it need not be as his legal wife, after all, what good does a piece of paper do other than for official documentation? It certainly didn't do anything for me and H.. It's the character and heart of the person that really counts, not a silly legal doc which at best governs financial matters) or I end my commitment to him and date again. It sounds like a good plan as I'm typing it out now but I don't know if I have the heart to break it off if he refuses to commit. I know that if he promises to commit, he won't break the promise easily.

 

You mean, like those pesky promises he made his wife? He's proven that his promises mean nothing, easily or not.

[Timshel]

It sounds like you are on the right track with getting a divorce from your husband. I congratulate you for following through with knowing that this relationship has run it's course and was/is not healthy for you.

 

Regarding your affair with a married man, now that you are free of an abusive relationship, why not take some time for yourself? Would you be open to taking some time to process your divorce and your relationship with the married man and after some solace make an educated and lucid decision?

 

You know that real things do not dissolve quickly. There is no reason to rush judgment about your affair relationship. Would it be fair to say that some time for introspect is in order? Life decisions should not be made with urgency and panic. You are an educated, intelligent woman. Stand down and show some integrity in your decision making process.

 

You are in the midst of fixing a majorly bad mistake by marrying your current husband, will you lower yourself and learn nothing? Jump right into another? You are a stereotype of the otherwise intelligent woman.

 

You look good on paper but are an emotional basket case. Get a grip.

[Versailles]

Regarding your affair with a married man, now that you are free of an abusive relationship, why not take some time for yourself? Would you be open to taking some time to process your divorce and your relationship with the married man and after some solace make an educated and lucid decision?

 

You know that real things do not dissolve quickly. There is no reason to rush judgment about your affair relationship. Would it be fair to say that some time for introspect is in order? Life decisions should not be made with urgency and panic. You are an educated, intelligent woman. Stand down and show some integrity in your decision making process.

 

You are in the midst of fixing a majorly bad mistake by marrying your current husband, will you lower yourself and learn nothing? Jump right into another? You are a stereotype of the otherwise intelligent woman.

 

You look good on paper but are an emotional basket case. Get a grip.

 

You're right, I should get a grip on myself. I just managed to stop crying buckets...and feeling a bit better. I thank you for your post! You mentioned several key words like lucid and introspect and it was really the last 3 words that stopped my crying.

 

For the first time in a long while, I spent the last couple of hours thinking about H, well no, not because I miss him but because I wonder how blind I must have been to love and marry this man. I was also mourning all the time i lost staying married to him. Excluding the last 1.5 years, I have been completely devoted to H for the previous 6.5 years. He could have asked me for anything and I would have tried my best to help him.

 

I suddenly realize how cold and heartless H is now.. I could not do to him what he has just done to me. First, he refused to apologize for visiting prostitutes, if H had found out about MM, I would have at least apologized. Second, he has just told me that he will not pay me back any of the money I had lent him or spent helping him over the years... And unfortunately I have no legal claim as these were private personal loans between 2 individuals with no written agreement. It is not a small sum and amounts to just about 6 figures.

 

I am downright disheartened that he can be so despicable... And guess what, half of that amount came from my insurance claim when I got diagnosed with cancer 7 years ago. I was young then and had only bought minimal insurance. I've already recovered but still, that sum of money was meant to help me if I fell ill again. And why did he need the money? Because he had overspent on modifying his car and he had borrowed heavily from banks and couldn't pay up and couldn't stand the stress of receiving lawyers' letters and claims for payment from various banks. I only agreed to lend him the money because he begged for help and didn't want to appear useless to his parents by borrowing from them. He also promised to work hard and repay the money as well as save up for our future but obviously he hasn't paid a cent of that and in fact borrowed more since then. If it were me and I had borrowed that money and I was leaving him, I would have had the basic decency to return what I borrowed.

 

I compare this to one of the first few things MM said to me when I told him about D, he asked me if I needed help and he would do whatever he could to help me. I know if I'm cynical that perhaps he just offered to help because he was worried I would tell on him but I'm sure that he was genuine in his offer of help and he was concerned about my well being.

 

I've seen H's true colours now.. And it's really dark, much darker than I would have believed possible. I never knew he was so cruel... I wouldnt even take a stranger's insurance money, not to mention someone whom i once loved. i guess my only recourse is to appeal to his parents' conscience and see whether they can talk to him. I think back to the time when I thought he was everything and it's certainly similar to what I'm feeling for MM now. It makes me fear... No matter how sure I am of MM's character and his good points, perhaps there are other flaws that I am completely failing to see right now. I will reconsider this relationship when D is settled and I am hopefully in a much more lucid state to make a good decision regarding MM.

[beach]

My hope for you is that you become strong and independent as a woman... Without putting so much focus on any man.

 

Are you in counseling?

[Versailles]

Well.. No, I'm not in counselling, I don't think I need it right now? Emotionally I have no issues dealing with the end of the relationship part of the divorce, but I'll admit it's a whole lot harder dealing with the splitting of assets... I was stupid enough to help ex H financially and had a loan in my name where I never even touched a cent of the money... And ex H is deciding to dump me in this aspect... I never saw his character so clearly before this and I can only say that everything he's done since I declared D has only served to prove my decision is definitely the right one. I'm terribly upset about the liabilities falling to me but I have no choice except to accept that I'm paying an expensive lesson..

 

I'm glad my MM has been somewhat there for me through this ordeal and he makes sure to bring me to nicer places to eat to cheer me up but alas, he can't be there for me in the evenings and weekends.. I think he would have tried to accompany me more except that his in laws are here to stay with him until I don't know when. Apparently his mother in law's cancer is spreading and they might just continue to stay here all the way until her last days..he gets chased to go home everyday now by W and I suppose she might also be using this as an opportunity to make sure he goes nowhere after work...

 

At this rate, his mother in law's passing and the finalization of my divorce might just happen around the same period.. I'm too tired to think about the future and I'll just live in the present with MM and our current relationship. The future can wait until D is finally sorted out. I think MM is the same, he is confused himself and is probably waiting for the same thing as me, plus also see how he really feels when his MIL passes away. Will the sight of W stricken with grief make him certain he wants to end our relationship? Probably I guess.. Though in my fantasy, I do wish the opposite would happen and maybe he will think life is too short to live in regret and suddenly decide to do what he always said he wouldn't do (I.e. that he would never leave W).

 

To the various people who told me that i would have little to no energy for MM, I have to say that you are right... Dealing with D is so tiring even when there is no emotion for H left.. It must be so much worse for those who actually still have some feelings left for H...

[whichwayisup]

Will the sight of W stricken with grief make him certain he wants to end our relationship?

 

Be prepared for this. There's a pretty good chance of that happening.

[Timshel]

To the various people who told me that i would have little to no energy for MM, I have to say that you are right... Dealing with D is so tiring even when there is no emotion for H left.. It must be so much worse for those who actually still have some feelings left for H...

 

Yes, it will be for BW if your wish comes true. I think you may have been thinking about that a little.

 

Divorce is indeed a doozy. I hope that as draining as it is, you remain mindful of your needs for the final settlement. A person can want so badly to put it all behind them and get it over with. Please remember, once the Final is signed, you will be legally bound indefinitely unless you are willing to take another trip to court. It is perfectly reasonable that your focus is on your health and well being, the finalization of your divorce. It sounds as though MM has a good deal on his plate now as well.

 

Slowing the pace in order for both of you to remain present in the decisions you are making now would be better for both of you. No urgency.

[truncated]

OP,

you sound like an otherwise kind person, so i am really surprised at some of the things you have been saying, especially in your last post.

 

When your husband cheated on you, that became part of why you view him as a bad ( or at least negative) person, yet you don't seem to feel that way about your mm, who is doing the very same thing to his wife. Whether it's cheating with one ow or a serries one one nights stands, it's still chetaing. The "who" doesn't matter, it's the "what" that does.

 

Also, they way you view his wife for wanting him to come home and help support her through this really rough patch-" he gets chased to go home everyday now by W and I suppose she might also be using this as an opportunity to make sure he goes nowhere after work... " serriously, think about what you are saying. His wife's mother is dying, and you think he should be with you instaed of with his wife, lending her support? Really think about what you are saying here. What kind of a man leaves his wife at home in a situation like that so he can go out with his other woman?

 

There's also a touch of anticipation about his mother in law's passing. I'm sorry to say it, but that's kind of revolting. You are (not so patiently) waiting for her to die, hoping it will make him want to be with you? "Though in my fantasy, I do wish the opposite would happen and maybe he will think life is too short to live in regret and suddenly decide to do what he always said he wouldn't do ".

 

Is that really who you are? Some sort of a vulture, waiting to pick the bones of a shattered family? You sound like a better person than that.

[Versailles]

When your husband cheated on you, that became part of why you view him as a bad ( or at least negative) person, yet you don't seem to feel that way about your mm, who is doing the very same thing to his wife. Whether it's cheating with one ow or a serries one one nights stands, it's still chetaing. The "who" doesn't matter, it's the "what" that does.

 

Hi truncated, you are right and logically I ought to view MM in a negative light, but it's hard to do so when I know myself that I am in this relationship now because I really love him a lot and i feel a very strong connection with him. If it wasn't him specifically, I find it extremely unlikely that I would ever be in a relationship with a MM. Let's just say that if it were any other MM, no relationship would have started in the first place. If I believe that he feels exactly the same way as me, how can I blame him?

 

Also, they way you view his wife for wanting him to come home and help support her through this really rough patch-" he gets chased to go home everyday now by W and I suppose she might also be using this as an opportunity to make sure he goes nowhere after work... " serriously, think about what you are saying. His wife's mother is dying, and you think he should be with you instaed of with his wife, lending her support? Really think about what you are saying here. What kind of a man leaves his wife at home in a situation like that so he can go out with his other woman?

 

Yes you are right, I would be horrified if my MM had really decided to accompany me instead of W and his parents in law. He is not that kind of person and that is also why I love him. I fully understand why he has to be with his family this period and be their support because he's the pillar they are all leaning on now. I just wish it wasn't happening now when I need him to lean on too... Sigh, I suppose I don't even have the right to be upset..

 

There's also a touch of anticipation about his mother in law's passing. I'm sorry to say it, but that's kind of revolting. You are (not so patiently) waiting for her to die, hoping it will make him want to be with you? "Though in my fantasy, I do wish the opposite would happen and maybe he will think life is too short to live in regret and suddenly decide to do what he always said he wouldn't do ".

 

Is that really who you are? Some sort of a vulture, waiting to pick the bones of a shattered family? You sound like a better person than that.

 

Well no, I'm not hoping for anyone to pass away but just saying that it's an eventuality that's going to happen within the next few months. In fact, I would prefer the status quo to continue because MM still wants our relationship to continue. His MIL's passing will merely accelerate the end when he's going to tell me he can't do this to W when she's so sad etc and he needs to be there for her and we should end or be put on hold. My fantasy is that he would do the opposite of what I expect, but even I will admit its a very long shot... Still, when I announced D to him, he didn't react the way I expected so maybe my fantasy has a very small chance.

[Versailles]

I had a terrible dream yesterday that seemed very real and it brought my world and MM's world crashing down..

 

I dreamt that someone in our office (I even know the name but it makes no sense in real life because this person is practically a shadow in the office. We all know she's there but no one talks to her as she keeps to herself) told our overall division head about MM and me... (Again in real life this doesn't make sense as she couldn't possibly know about our relationship)

 

I was away when the news broke and the whole office heard about it... All I knew was that when I was back from lunch, some people were whispering and pointing at me, some gave me angry looks and some simply refused to look at me.. Then one person told me that our division head was looking for me and I was to go to the meeting room. I was definitely getting a bad feeling about all this but had to go, so I went.

 

When I got to the meeting room... Oh no... All the directors and managers were all in the room together with our division head.. And the first thing I was told was "do you want to speak with MM first?" I said ok, if they thought I should speak to him first. I was still hoping all this drama was something to do with a work project but that hope was shattered when I went to the neighbouring meeting room to look for MM and instead found him with another senior manager who was telling him "how could you leave this way? We all looked up to you and this is how you end your career? How can someone with your rank and position leave like this?" As I entered, MM looked at me and from his face, I knew everything.. Someone had told on us and he was being dismissed.. His career in this company was over..

 

It was a terrible dream and seeing MM's sad expression brought me to tears... This is a sober reminder and I hope this dream never comes true... I don't want D Day to end in MM's dismissal when he went through so much to build his career and get to his current position...

[SoleMate]

Versailles, that dream you just had was your subconscious talking to you, telling you the truth you know and that you need to hear. Please listen to the reality of your own thoughts and take action accordingly.

[jellybean89]

So your fantasy wish is that the MIL dies soon and MM decides life's too short and he divorces his wife and runs away with you? This man who you have lunch with is going to divorce his wife for you?

 

You do realize that people at your job do see your infatuation with MM. You may think no one knows and no one has seen one of your lunch dates..but unless you are having lunch in an establishment that no one else is at, chances are someone has seen you...or a friend of the wife's or a family member of hers.

 

When she does find out, because it is just a matter of time, I would bet a years salary the MM doesn't just deny having anything to do with you, he does his best to convince her you are a crazy stalker who won't leave him alone. In my view, from reading your posts, you are truly living in a dream world and when his wife finds out, not only will you be dumped faster than the speed of light, but you will also be out of a job because she will ensure you are fired.

 

Divorcing your H is a positive action, but hoping that the married man divorces his wife for you is pure fantasy in my view.

[beach]

I can't imagine why you think he'd be a great spouse.

 

He a cheater. He'd be cheating on you if you marry him. He would need to fill your spot/vacancy.

 

You sure that's what you wish for?

[goodyblue]

I am so happy to have met him and loved him, he made my world bigger and gave me joy in my life I had not expected to experience again. The scales finally fell off my eyes and I'm beginning to realize I was truly stupid to force myself to stay in an unhappy marriage when the only thing stopping me is my own ideal of one love, one marriage.

 

If only I had met my MM 10 years earlier, we could have had a proper relationship from the start and that is something I will forever regret because if it wasn't for my husband's (boyfriend then) objections to being an air stewardess, I would probably have met my MM on his many business trips then before either of us had gotten married to the wrong persons. Now.. I don't see any future for me in his life because I know he will never choose me over his son and he will never replace his son's mother with somebody else even though he might wish he could. So realistically speaking, I am consigned to the occasional lunch or possibly dinner with him on weekdays and maybe one trip a year.

 

We went for our first trip last year and that was the first time in my life I felt like I was on my honeymoon. It just feels so right to be with him, like everything has clicked into place! Everything i do with him feels like this is the way we are meant to be and he told me he feels the same too. For the cynical who might think he is only with me for sex.. he has never asked me for it as long as we are in the same city as his family because he feels too guilty about it. I will respect anything he decides to do or not to do. While I do long for him to spend more time with me, I understand his weekends will never be for me.. I can only grab as many weekday lunches as I can though that isn't much either because he has business lunches most of the time.

 

We were supposed to go on our second trip 2 weeks ago but it had to be cancelled because his mother in law was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and he had to go back to canada for a visit with his family. Instead of spending one whole week of our time together, now I'm spending it working and he's spending it with his family. I am so horribly disappointed that the event I was looking forward to all year is gone... It's the only time when we are overseas that he will hold my hand in public and we can walk together everywhere openly... Worse, I am now worried that his sense of responsibility at this sad family event will overpower any romantic notions he still has and he will decide to end everything. I know his character and honestly.. It was completely out of character for him to let love overtake logic in the case of our relationship. He has been fighting between love and responsibility and so far... He has kept a balance between both but this might be the catalyst to push him into the camp of logic/responsibility...

 

I don't know how I can take it if he tells me it's over... I wouldn't go bother his family but I'm not sure I can go on living without him. So what exactly do I want from this doomed relationship...? After considering all options... I realize an option which can benefit both is if he would be willing to have a child with me (haven't asked him yet and don't dare to since now is not a good time). I won't ask him for any support and he can continue his duties to his family without any change in his lifestyle if he decides not to see me anymore. So, minimal impact to him. On my part, for the sake of our child, I will happily live on no matter what and see him/her grow up and I can get over not seeing my true love again because I will always see a shadow of him in our child.

 

So... How do I bring up the topic to him...? And does this even sound like a plausible long term plan to a man? And this is still assuming he sees me again after coming back from visiting his mother in law.

 

Ideally though... I would turn back time and go find him as we both were 10 years ago... I think we would have had a much better relationship together but that is a dream... So much for "when you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Everything your heart desires will come to you..." And yes, I have stupidly tried wishing upon a star for time travel.... I know it doesn't work (of course!) BUT.... A dream is still nice to have....

 

Best to go back to my best scenario reality.....

 

OW should NEVEREVEREVER have a child with their MM. I do not care the circumstances. You are talking about actively screwing up the life oc a potential human being. Jesus. Get a dog. And therapy.

[the_artist_1970]

OW should NEVEREVEREVER have a child with their MM. I do not care the circumstances. You are talking about actively screwing up the life oc a potential human being. Jesus. Get a dog. And therapy.

 

This is so true! In every instance that I know of where a person was conceived from an OW and MM, the individual has trouble reconciling how they were conceived and most of the time they have no relationship with their biological father. It's sad and extremely selfish to bring a child into an A situation.

[Versailles]

Hi jellybean, you are right about my fantasy and yes, I do realize that it is at least 99.5% fantasy. The chance that MM would decide to drop everything for me is truly minimal.... It's really not helping that he is confused as well and says he can't give me up in the same breath that he says he cannot abandon his family. But then again, I suppose I can't blame him for being confused... If I were in his situation, I can't make any decision at this point in time either.

 

Anyway just to provide an update, my divorce lawyer is indeed quite good and she promises I will be legally single within the next 2 weeks or so! It would be nice if I could bring up the topic to MM to ask whether we could have a long term relationship and assuming that he needn't marry me legally. Unfortunately there is no way I can talk about our relationship right now because he has more pressing issues with his mother in law's impending death. So I can only wait in limbo while everything stays status quo for now.

 

Since I know he will probably say farewell once the dreaded event happens and he needs to focus on W and helping her to go through the loss.. i decided to at least take one small step towards eventually leaving MM.. Finally set up a profile on an online dating site though I felt terribly guilty doing it... I really don't like even the thought of two-timing MM even if it's just online chatting... I have zero intentions of meeting anybody in real life until MM confirms his intentions and I decide to move on.. Or not. From the responses so far though... I'm probably going to delete the profile... too many messages from people whom i don't even have interest in becoming an acquaintance! Still.. I suppose I should give it at least a week..

 

I sure am looking forward to posting that D is final and legally recognized!