Men, Can you truely be happy under this situation? Need serious replies from men

[asiangirl]

Sorry for my bad English,English isn't my first language. I am Asian-American, and sorry for the long post.

 

May I please get the men viewpoints on my situation. As a man, can you see your self be truely happy in the long run, in a long term relationship/marriage like this....

 

Me and him, we live in the same neighborhood, so we knows each others for many years. We become friends and he start his long hard chase, and his persistent touch me; we are in a steady committed relationship.

Things kindda move faster than I thought due to the close distance between us live in the same neighborhood. And I find myself fallen for this guy more and more everyday.

 

He does have a rough upbringing, his dad was in and out of jail and decease. He also lost his sister due to a drunk driving car accident, so trust me, he is emotionally drain.

I don't want this interracial relationship to further strain him. And I feel that he being with me is just added more stress, and weight on his shoulders.

 

He is fully aware of my Asian mother's ignorant, and discrimination against him due to his skin color.

Due to him grow up in the street life environment full of gangs, drugs, and shoooting. He said he see more things that are thousand times more worser than just some Asian folks racist against him.

He told me many times to rest assure, and don't sweats it, because he truely doesn't mind, and he does not feel bother by it at all.

 

I know he loves me because all the things he do for me is way more than what I do for him. On my part, I try to be the best girlfriend as I can, paying half half on dates, be Financially independent; cook and clean for him, as well as get along with his mother.

His mother do support us together, and she very nice to me, I also learn how to cook his culture dishes from her.

 

Other people call me cheap and have low self-esteem; because I pay for my own ways and not use his money. But I do it simply because I see how hard he work, his money sure didn't come easy, therefore I'm more than happy split 50/50 with him, so he save his money for other important things.

It not just him only, when I go out with my "girls" friends, I also split bills with them too.

I am just compassionate, and plus I have my own job, so I am capable of taking care of myself.

 

I was abuse by my mother when I was little. Therefore, I have move out away from her for more than a decade; so to be frank, she cannot dictate nor control who I date, since I don't live with her.

But the ways she racist and disrespectful to him just very unacceptable, and I'm too ashamed to go into details what kind of ignorant/racist things she say about him.

 

I am in my late twenties, I can make my own decission, and I choose to be with him regardless of what my ignorant mother say.

So I am going to try my best to make this relationship work out. He is not giving up, so why should I?

 

But I know men have their ego, their manhood, their pride. You know what i mean?

He loves me now so he will roll with it, but what happened in the long run when we get married? or three to five years from now? Will he get tired and sick from pretending that he doesn't mind?

 

I know he said many times that he doesn't care what my mother thinks, since he see things that are 1000 times worser out there in the 'street life', than just some Asian folks hate him. But is deep down is he truely doesn't mind?

 

As a man, do you really don't mind about what your gf/wife mother thinks of you? How about if your girl's mother is very disrespectful to you?

How about if the in-laws will never see each others?

May I get serious opinions on this from the men's point of views please. Thank you so much...

Or any tips on how to survive an interracial relationship/marriage? I really can't picture myself without him in my life, or if one day I loose him.

[Copelandsanity]

Focus on meeting the needs of your partner and making progress in your relationship, and not your mom. After the abuse she's put you through, she should not hold any priority in your life. Personally, if it were me, I would try to have as little contact with her as possible. Life is too short to have abusive, negative and toxic individuals in your world.

[oldshirt]

Like me ask you a question here - have you ever seen a man worry and fret and and have concerns about the future over family squabbles or family dynamics??????

 

The answer is you probably haven't seen a single one.

 

Men just don't worry about that kind of stuff. Heck they probably don't even notice it goes on.

 

Women are the ones that worry about what their Aunt Genevieve in Utah thinks. Men are just glad she's not around getting into their business.

 

Your boyfriend cares that you are pretty, are nice to him, respects him and have sex with him. He likely couldn't care less what your mother thinks or says.

 

Sure it would be a plus if everyone gets along and plays nice but at the end of the day, family squabbles and family dramas are a woman's domain. The men of the family are too busy watching football to care about what other family members think.

[dichotomy]

I never paid much significance to my mothers or family comments on my GF's and then wive(s).

 

I should have.

[spanz1]

it is certainly nice to have the support of a mother in your marriage. But if it is an abusive mother...i do not see how she could ever be supportive of any man. So i would not let it bother me.

 

 

Are you located physically close to her, so that you would see her often? or are you far enough away that if you did not make the effort to contact her you would NEVER see her again? So long as he does not keep seeing the mother in law, there would be no re-inforcement...and he would eventually sort of forget about her.

[Els]

Given that your bf has told you explicitly that he does not care, I think you should believe him instead of thinking about it so much. Has he given you reason to doubt him?

[asiangirl]

Little background on my mother: My mom angry at my father cheating on her, so she took out her anger on her children. So I growing up was mentally abuse and physically abuse beaten by her (when ever our father is not home). In my childhood I was put in 'foster home" due to my mother "child abuse' me.

After years of 'foster home', I did get return to her; after she make progress of proven that she will be a good mom, and stop the beaten abuse me. But the damage she did to me was too much; so by the age 18, I decided to move out on my own.

 

Me being a girl survive on my own with no helps at age 18 is really tough. I have to dropped out of college so I can work full time to support myself, so pretty much all my life I only have myself to depend on.

We live far away from each others, I only went home to visit like 1-2 times a month, not visit my mom, but to visit my old father (the father who NEVER abuse me).

 

I don't live with my mother since I was 18, and now I am 30; so you can see that more than a decade I don't live with her; so she is pretty much OUT of the picture, and out of my life.

 

My boyfriend never meet my mother, but his mom now wants to meet my mom for dinner, the holiday is coming up and all. Me and my BF trying to break the news to his mother of how racist my mother is toward his skin color, and his people.

Another thing I worried is how 'HIS mother going to reacts', if his mom going to get pissed of enough and demand her son to stop seeing me.

 

We are just 2 single people live in the same neighborhood happen to fall for each others, is that a sin? I just don't know why it so hard for us to be together, given our circumstances.

But he is NOT given up on us, and he wants me to be strong so we can make it through this together.

I just worried about his overall happiness, I feel that him being together with me is just put more weight on his shoulders.

 

 

Let just be frank here, if we ever married, my side of the in-laws won't ever be in the picture at all.

Can he TRUELY be happy with just his wife, his kids and his side of the family ONLY.

 

 

He is human and he have feelings too, and nobody deserve to be racist by just from their skin color.

Edited November 27, 2014 by asiangirl

[Els]

You realize that this is all in your head right? All the men responding here AND your bf have told you that it doesn't matter! Yes, he has feelings too, but you cannot control your mother's actions and as long as he doesn't need to have any contact with her, who cares what she thinks? I'm pretty sure your bf isn't terribly unhappy about the fact that he doesn't have an active mother-in-law in his life, and frankly I can't imagine how any man would care that much about not having a MIL in his family life.

 

If the issue is what your bf's mother thinks, nicely decline the dinner request, apologize, and inform her that your mother is very rude and racist. How can his mother 'demand that he stop seeing you' because of that? How old is he? You say you are 30 so I imagine he is close to your age and not dependent on his mother, yes?

[asiangirl]

It is me worrying too much. I'm sorry but we together has been kindda rough; we get all kinds of stereotypes, and criticise from alot of people due to I'm Asian and he is Black.

He is 29, I am 30

He is not dependent on his mother. He have his own job, I have my own job too, so we are 2 Financial Independent adults.

 

 

His mom likes me, we cook together before, and she show me how to cook her culture dishes too. So me and his mom relatiosnhip is pretty good.

BUT she does NOT know about my racist mother yet.

 

Maybe I am over worried but just throwing it in her face that 'my mother racist against your son because he is Black".

Well that as frank as it gets, my ignorant mother really hate him because he is Black. My ignorant mom doesn't even care to hear how nice this guy is, simply just rejected him becuz of his skin color.

I don't think my BF's mother gonna take that happily, she might be pissed off.

 

Not have MIL is Okay; but what if we have children in the future and the kids just have one side of the grandparent? Would that count as a complete happy family?

I don't know, I just think I am letting all the people criticise our relationship effect the way I think.

 

 

I already get all kinds of negative advice tell me to break up with him due to our big cultural difference will tear us apart.

Then tell me leave him due to, he will eventually get sick to pretend that he doesn't mind my racist mother.

Then things like I am low and cheap just because I help split bills with my BF when we go on dates, wth

Then call me a slut for date a black guy in my own neighborhood, and that I should break up with him and get more dating experience with other guys out there, seriously wth advice is this.

 

 

But anyways, THANK YOU for this site advice, so far have been really reasoning and helpful. Noted all advice and appreciated.

Edited November 27, 2014 by asiangirl

[Els]

Maybe I am over worried but just throwing it in her face that 'my mother racist against your son because he is Black".

 

You don't have to put it that way; just say "My mother is rude and abusive, and racist."

 

Not have MIL is Okay; but what if we have children in the future and the kids just have one side of the grandparent? Would that count as a complete happy family?

 

Having both sets of grandparents around is really not a necessity for raising a child well....

[asiangirl]

I already get all kinds of negative advice tell me to break up with him due to our big cultural difference will tear us apart.

 

 

Then tell me leave him due to, he will eventually get sick to pretend that he doesn't mind my racist mother.

 

 

Then things like I am low and cheap just because I help split bills with my BF when we go on dates, wth. We already live in 2014, who say as a girl, I cannot help pay on dates?

 

 

Then call me a slut for date a black guy in my own neighborhood, and that I should break up with him and get more dating experience with other guys out there who is not black, seriously wth advice is this?

 

 

And the bad part here is I am letting all his negative criticise get me all worried and work up on our relationship.

My BF doesn't care what they say, he thinks it all just nonesense, and tell me to stop being silly and let it effect me.

 

 

But I don't know why it bothering me, as I start to have thoughts of like I am torturing him for being with me; and that I can't make him happy due to my racist ignorant mother attitude.

 

 

He always want to live together, so I should just let him have his wish.

Since my apartment have 2 bedroom/2 bathroom and I live alone with a little poodle, so I have plenty of free space for him to move in.

We already live in the same neighborhood anyways, it be super easy for him to move in with me.

 

 

But all this negative thoughts in my head is not helping with the relationship, as he is the strong one try to hang on, when I am full of negaive thoughts.

 

 

But anyways, THANK YOU for this site advice, so far have been really reasoning and helpful. Noted all advice and appreciated.

Edited November 27, 2014 by asiangirl

[Els]

I already get all kinds of negative advice tell me to break up with him due to our big cultural difference will tear us apart.

 

 

Then tell me leave him due to, he will eventually get sick to pretend that he doesn't mind my racist mother.

 

 

Then things like I am low and cheap just because I help split bills with my BF when we go on dates, wth. We already live in 2014, who say as a girl, I cannot help pay on dates?

 

Speaking as one Asian to another - this is sadly quite normal among the very traditional and conservative older Asian folks. You just have to have the conviction to stick to your own beliefs and block out the noise. Live your life the way you want to. I know it's easier said than done, but you gotta do it. The only other option is to go total no-contact with everyone saying this (and I understand why you may not want to do this).

 

And the bad part here is I am letting all his negative criticise get me all worried and work up on our relationship.

My BF doesn't care what they say, he thinks it all just nonesense, and tell me to stop being silly and let it effect me.

Right, so try harder to do that.

 

 

 

He always want to live together, so I should just let him have his wish.

Since my apartment have 2 bedroom/2 bathroom and I live alone with a little poodle, so I have plenty of free space for him to move in.

We already live in the same neighborhood anyways, it be super easy for him to move in with me.

But all this negative thoughts in my head is not helping with the relationship, as he is the strong one try to hang on, when I am full of negaive thoughts.

If you don't want to move in together, you don't have to. It doesn't just have to be what your family wants vs. what your bf wants.

 

What do YOU want?

[BetrayedH]

I am a guy and I seriously wouldn't care if you had a racist mother. That would be your mother's problem, not mine.

 

If you brought her around all of the time and suported her inappropriate comments, that would be different.

 

I wouldn't find my girlfriend to be a burden for me just because she's of a different race. For those people that would make ignorant comments, I would just stay away from them.

 

I would not care if a grandparent was not involved because they're racist. Again, that's their problem.

 

It seems that too many of your friends and family have terribly ignorant advice for you. There's nothing wrong with interracial relationships. Besides, it's your relationship, not theirs.

[Davey L]

I am in a mixed race marriage; my wife is black African. The biggest difficulties are internal not external. Negative views from outside the marriage generally seem, paradoxically, to have unifying effect. The difficulties arise from inside; differing views on things, cultural differences and attitudes for example on the raising of children.

 

If you can overcome the differences between you as a couple I don't think you need to worry to much about what others think and say. And your boyfriend has told you it doesn't matter.

 

Enjoy your relationship and the added interest you get from exploring and understanding each other's culture. Learn to understand each other's point of view as influenced by their cultural background to overcome the disagreements. It can be difficult but also very rewarding.