Being patient...

[Need advice]

Tony, you said that I have to chose to either be patient with this guy or walk away....well, being patient, does that include him dating to see if there is anything better out there? Not that I am standing by not accepting dates....I just am not interested in dating.

 

The thing that frustrates me more than anything is that I know he won't find anyone who treats him better than I did. I did so many things for him and not because he asked me to but because I wanted to. Isn't that uncondtional love and isn't that what everyone should look for in a person? The hardest thing is knowing that he is dating even though he makes it sound to me like he isn't. Why would a guy try to make you believe that he isn't actively dating? Again, does he want me there for when he decides who/what he wants? I am sorry for obsessing. This is driving me nuts.

[Tony T]

1. well, being patient, does that include him dating to see if there is anything better out there?

 

Not necessarily. That's totally up to you but, in my opinion, that's a pretty sick reason to stick by a guy (while he's looking for somebody else). If I were in your shoes, if he had to date other people to be sure of his love for me, I'd tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.

 

2. Isn't that uncondtional love and isn't that what everyone should look for in a person?

 

Not necessarily. Being too nice can often be the kiss of death in a relationship. Men don't want to date somebody who is always there, sweet, nice, predictable. That can come later. In the dating phase, guys want a challenge, a lady who is elusive, has a mind of her own, etc. They just don't want a gal who will kiss their butt all the time.

 

Romantic love is NOT unconditional and never should be. If someone treats you like crap, you shouldn't love them. If your guy thinks so little of you he would go out and rob a bank and get jail time, you shouldn't love him...unless you really have low self esteem. If a guy cheats on you repeatedly, that doesn't sound like somebody you should love either. Romantic love has got to have conditions.

 

The only unconditional love is that of parents for a child, and even then there are limitations.

 

I don't want unconditional love and I don't want to give it. The conditions I place on a romantic relationship are as follows: You show me consideration, respect, loyalty, kindness, forgiveness, etc. and I will show you the same and I will love you as long as I get that. You stop doing those things and the deal is OFF!!! I refuse to love someone who does not offer those simple things to me. And I would not want to be loved by somebody who would put up with abuse from me. I would simply lose respect for them if they did that.

 

This guy is NOT looking for somebody who will treat him better than you did. He wants somebody who will stand up to him and demand he treat them as nicely as they treat him...or it's out the door!!!

 

3. Why would a guy try to make you believe that he isn't actively dating?

 

To keep you in reserve. To keep you on second string. To keep your hopes up so you will be there for him in case he doesn't find someone or while he's in between relationships. He is a user of the highest order and he will use you this way until he gets married if you let him.

 

Hell, no, he doesn't want you to know he's dating. He's no big dummy. He wants you to stay at home just waiting for him to fall back in your arms during those times when his chick-hunting is slow. Don't fall for this crapola!!!

 

He knows you love him because you've already been kissing his butt. That probably made him pretty nauseated. He has no respect for you so it's no sweat off his back to let you stay on a string for him. He's loving every minute of it...and laughing about it before he goes to bed each night.

 

What he is doing is outright fraud. It is one of the worst things a human being can do to another. If I ran into him on the street, I would deck him!!!

 

4. Again, does he want me there for when he decides who/what he wants?

 

That question assumes he's going to decide on you. No chance of that. He's going to decide on somebody he happens to be dating at the time. You've already screwed things up by being too nice. You can only save this if you start dating other people yourself and let him see you aren't going to fall for his lowlife, classless, scumbag, trashy strategy. You are NOT going to be his fool.

 

The chances of you ending up with this guy are NONE, NADA, ZILCH if you get smart and start looking for a man who is decent, who has character and who respects your feelings and appreciates a nice lady. If you stay just like you are and wait for him, your chances of ending up with him are 1 in 456,208 plus or minus 5.

 

There is just no way you're going to love this guy once you see what kind of butthole he is. You don't see it now because you're blinded by those chemicals you mistake for love. Fact is, it is impossible to love somebody who jerks you around like he does. You just can't see it right now...I do hope you will.

 

I want you to know it hurts me everytime I press a key on my keyboard to write this post to you. Why? Because I have been there...exactly where you are...waiting around...for something that will NEVER happen...more than once. Not only have I been reserve second string...I've been third string and fourth string. All the lines are the same. I have them memorized. They always say they just know they'll end up marrying me. But they don't. It's all a line used by users to keep you standing around.

 

I know you are hurting. I have been there. I weep that it may be some time before you realize the fool he's making you out to be. Meanwhile, see a counselor, talk to friends, get comfort wherever you can. You've got a very long wait for this guy and he's just not worth it.

 

I am also sorry you are obsessing about this. And it will drive you nuts if you let it. This guy isn't worth dedicating a fart to.