Is he a potential abuser?

[cam72]

I got into an argument with my BF for smoking pot when he knows I am very against it and promised me he'd pass at the party we were at. But then did it in front of me. It is the first time we had an argument and the first time he broke a promise.

 

My concern is that my friend said he has the profile of someone who will be hitting me later and her boyfriend agreed (only knowing her side). She was married to an abusive man so she is paranoid about that stuff. But I took her words seriously enough to check out what a "profile" was for someone like that and what red flags to look for. I also did a background check, which I hate to admit I always do when I commit to a relationship. I found nothing suspicious. Indeed my man does have some traits, but even my father who is easygoing beyond belief and very kind to my mother has some.

 

He has never threatened me or anyone. But he does say "I love you" almost every day and many times references being married. I cannot allow myself to feel rushed and unknowingly he does this, it's only been 3 months and he started this a month ago. He wants to be with me all the time. He can be jealous but stopped since I made fun of him for it. It was more so just sarcastic comments.

 

He has been married before and sometimes I think he rushes because he wants to be like that again. His wife passed away. I think he'd make a good husband but I don't KNOW that until a year or so of dating as a fact. I did almost get pregnant and he didn't seem worry. My friend says he wants me under his thumn, dependent on him. He also said he wishes I didn't work so I could be with him all the time. I only see him three times a week tops and he said it like a joke.

 

Just because he rushes his feelings and words everyday, and wants to be with me much of the time, has some jealous tendency is that reason to bail assuming great cost later? I figured he had these issues I took at face value but they wouldn't lead to more later.

 

Thanks.

[Pocky]

I don't see anything in your post that sounded like someone that was a warning sign for possible abuse. Maybe he's clingy and dependent on you, but I don't see anything in your post that gives me a red flag. Maybe you should list the items that he matched with on the warning signs?

 

Honestly though, if you feel uncomfortable in the relationship than that's all that matters. It's really hard with what you've shared to say yes or no that he has a problem.

[Craig]

Did he ask for exclusivity when you first started dating? If so how many days/weeks into dating you?

 

I don't see anything in your post to suggest a potential abuser can you give more details why you are concerned?

[cam72]

My man said I love you after a month. Now that it's 2 1/2 months I hear it a few times a week. On the 3rd or 4th date he asked if I am seeing others and said he knows he doesn't want to. He begin talking about marraige after 1 month but respects the fact I'd like to wait 6-12 months at least. I will say though we have a great deal in common where love at first sight can happen. I however tend to not believe in that, but many do.

 

He makes comments about me e-mailing "other boyfriends" and got an upset tone when he saw dried roses my aunt bought me and I arranged...he thought I dried them from an ex and his inquiry changed tones quickly when I answered him. He got concerned when he knew I was talking to an ex boyfriend on the phone. He forbid me to go to a friends grand opening of an all nude male dance club. But he laughed and said I wasn't going. He wasn't threatning. He's a Christian and we met through a Christian organization. I can see where it would bug him that the GF he picked hung out there. I can tell it bugs him when I am with a group and there are single guys there and he's not.. He doesn't say anything though I can see it in his eyes.

 

The whole pot smoking thing was a first where he lied and broke a promise. It was unsettling though when he said his mother controlled him for so much of his life. That he knows it was fair to not ask him to smoke pot but he felt like I demanded him to or I'd leave him and he resented the ultimatum. That when he feels "demasculinated" like that he makes bad choices. I told him he's so afraid of being controlled that he's being controlling toward me, which will get him into a great deal of problems.

 

The link shows jealousy, rushing into committment, quickness to develop feelings and justifying actions by making themselves seem like a victim is a profile of a potential abuser. Not someone who will definitely abuse.

 

So I guess he's a typical guy or is it too much? He knows I am very hurt about the whole pot smoking thing and did not spend the night or have an issue when I rejected sex with him, which we have normally have every day.

[Craig]

Originally posted by cam72

My man said I love you after a month. Now that it's 2 1/2 months I hear it a few times a week. On the 3rd or 4th date he asked if I am seeing others and said he knows he doesn't want to. He begin talking about marraige after 1 month but respects the fact I'd like to wait 6-12 months at least. I will say though we have a great deal in common where love at first sight can happen. I however tend to not believe in that, but many do.

 

Well . . . it's hard to say if this is super quick but it is quick.

 

He makes comments about me e-mailing "other boyfriends" and got an upset tone when he saw dried roses my aunt bought me and I arranged...he thought I dried them from an ex and his inquiry changed tones quickly when I answered him. He got concerned when he knew I was talking to an ex boyfriend on the phone.

Jealously is a warning sign.

 

He forbid me to go to a friends grand opening of an all nude male dance club. But he laughed and said I wasn't going. He wasn't threatning. He's a Christian and we met through a Christian organization. I can see where it would bug him that the GF he picked hung out there.

Isolation is a warning sign but I wouldn't want a GF of mine going to a nude male dance club either--I wouldn't forbid her from going I just wouldn't date her anymore. If he keeps you from your friends and family that would be a stronger warning sign.

 

The whole pot smoking thing was a first where he lied and broke a promise. It was unsettling though when he said his mother controlled him for so much of his life. That he knows it was fair to not ask him to smoke pot but he felt like I demanded him to or I'd leave him and he resented it. That when he feels "demasculinated" like that he makes bad choices. I told him he's so afraid of being controlled that he's being controlling toward me, which will get him into a great deal of problems.

Substance abuse is a warning sign. Does he smoke a lot of pot? Lying is a warning sign when it's habitual.

 

So I guess he's a typical guy or is it too much? He knows I am very hurt about the whole pot smoking thing and did not spend the night or have an issue when I rejected sex with him, which we have every day.

He isn't a typical guy.

 

I agree that there may be a potential for abuse in the future but I wouldn't label him as an abuser. With this relationship you really want to keep an eye on how things are progressing and don't get married for at least 12 months if that is what you plan to do. Trust your gut.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I think you are trying to figure out whther or not this guy is going to be a "wife beater". He very well may NOT be that, but if he is an emotional abuser, that can be even worse. Do some searching for emotional abuse using popular search engines, and you will see what I am saying.

 

Here are a few things for you to think about:

 

Pay special attention to how he treats people who have no way to impose consequences on him for bad treatment (this would include service personnel, like waitresses). By this, I don't mean "is he a good tipper or not", I mean does he look for things to pick at, and complain about. Even more importantly, HOW does he deal with it when he does find something? Does he have a need to give the waitress a lecture about it, insist that the manager be informed, or insist that he/she come to the table and make an issue of it, or does he simply say "may I have some hotter food please". Abusers sometimes need to make a point - they need to be right, and show how important they are.

 

Do you feel like he is excessively "smart", or that he knows everything about whetever it is you happen to be talking about in a conversation? Often, someone being a "know-it-all" goes hand in hand with them being emotionally abusive. Later in the relationship, this will be used to make their partner feel stupid, like nothing she/he says matters, and to undermine their self-esteem, to make it harder for their partner to think about leaving.

 

The dried roses thing you mentioned does suggest obsessive jealousy to me. That is a very BAD sign.

 

I have nothing against religious people, but I see that he is already trying to apply his religious beliefs to your life. This reminds me of behavior I have seen in abusive men before. "You should be the sort of wife that God intended for you to be - it says in the book of [insert last week's sermon here], that a woman should..." Ugh, I HOPE he is not like that. I have seen some who were, in various degrees of subtlety. Is he a fundamentalist?

 

He has also shown an interest in tracking your computer habits, and knowing who you may be emailing. Two months into a relationship? Bad sign.

 

That he knows it was fair to not ask him to smoke pot but he felt like I demanded him to or I'd leave him and he resented the ultimatum. That when he feels "demasculinated" like that he makes bad choices.

 

He is taking something bad he did, and blaming it on your behavior, and saying his bad choices are someone else's fault. Explaining that if you just wouldn't [insert your behavior here], HE would not do the bad things he does. So see, it's really YOUR fault - because you are not being a "good girfriend" [which will become "you are not doing what a good wife should do"] Ewwwwww! Classic emotionally abusive guy behavior. I'm not saying this alone is 100% conclusive, but it does not look good, and along with the other stuff, we're getting pretty close.

 

It is very concerning that he "doesn't want" you to work, so he can spend more time with you. Wait a minute. He works, right? Putting aside that wanting to be with you and know what you are doing every single minute (everybody needs a little space, except abusive guys) is one of the lesser signs of abusive tendencies, HOW is it going to make it so he gets to spend more time with you, if you both work a 9-5 job? He should want you to do whatever makes you happy, whether that is working or not. If you don't want to work, that is one thing, but he should not be trying to dictate that to you. Often abusive men like to keep "their woman", who they begin to view as an object of what "their wife should be", in the home, rather than having them out among others. This is part about jealousy, but mostly about control.

 

That link you have there, is how to spot a "batterer". Emotional abusers are much more clever. Almost nobody (save one that I know of personally) has almost all of those characteristics, but any of them should be a cause for concern.

 

Be EXCEPTIONALLY careful to not get pregnant. That may, in fact, based on the info you have provided, be exactly what he wants. It would represent a massive power shift in his mind in the relationship, which is what abusive guys crave.

 

I hate to say it, but your man does have abusive tendencies, enough to be concerning.

 

More importantly, if you didn't also feel it, you would not have posted here and asked about it. THAT alone, the fact that you felt enough of that to be concerned enough about it to ask the question and provide the information you did, should be telling you that this guy is probably not marriage material.

 

Bottom line, listen to the friend. Your friend has actually met this guy, and nothing is better for spotting them than an objective friend - and don't discount her point of view so much just because she has been there. Yes, she may be sensitive to it becasue she has been there, but the fact that most people have not seen it, is why so many people unknowingly get into relationships, or even worse, marriages [shudder] with abusive partners.

[Pocky]

My husband told me he loved me the first twenty-four hours he met me. My husband told me he was going to marry me after spending three days with together.

 

Some people just know what they want when they see it.

[MySugaree]

No, he does not sound like an abuser. Nevertheless, there are aspects to his personality, which you do not like. That is what I find noteworthy.

 

The question that you should be asking is not whether your bf is a "potential abuser" but, rather, whether your bf is a potential life partner.

 

I have my doubts...

[moimeme]

Unless you've really underplayed his behaviour or left things out, I doubt he's an abuser. He may ndeed be afraid of being controlled, but does he control you or is he controlling about other things in his life?

 

I don't think his sins are that great but if you're using these things as an excuse to get out of the relationship, it likely means you're not that crazy about him. Examine your own feelings - do you enjoy his company? Do you love the guy?

[cam72]

I think sometimes I may love him in this short time as well. It wasn't until he smoked pot and tried to justify it to me. Now I feel like maybe we aren't right for one another and wonder if I could handle being around someone who does that every so often for recreation. I am telling myself if I wait a year or so and live with him for a few months before I married I would probably now if it were a regular habit. I used to use drugs myself and stopped 17 years ago. That means I know the signs, the smells and what someone is like when it's not recreation but a need to function.

 

I guess the whole pot smoking thing and his reasons were the recognition there may be a problem later. But it is the first time he has upset me like this and the first time he acted the way he did. I do need to watch him and make sure there is no pattern. For both issues here, drugs and the behaviors.

 

Just an FYI....he is not a fundamentalist at all. We are both on the same page in our level of involvement and our interpertations.

 

Last night he came over. I denied him sex and spending the night. I am just too mad at him over him smoking pot....

[Craig]

Cam72, WithOrWithoutYou had some good points and one that caught my attention is how he treats others. Take a long hard look at how he treats his parents or siblings, if he is nasty and/or abusive to them chances are that is what you can expect when it might be difficult for you to leave him.

[Groovy]

In my experiences, over half the time a man is abusive they are very kind, polite and soft spoken toward everyone else. It would be hard to judge that.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Originally posted by Groovy

In my experiences, over half the time a man is abusive they are very kind, polite and soft spoken toward everyone else. It would be hard to judge that.

 

Very true, but they will sometimes show themselves to "people who don't matter" (read: no consequences to abusive guy for the bad treatment). They turn on the con-man charm towards her family, sometimes her friends, and of course, her, until he has her right where he wants her. The thing someone starting off dating one of these has in her favor if she knows what to look for, is that he is probably not currently in a relationship, so he is without an emotional punching bag. They always need someone to mistreat, level and pick on, so waitresses, and their own families (their parents, siblings, etc.) are often good places to look for this behavior during the EARLY phases of the relationship (until abusive guy gets to know "his woman" well enough, and is sure enough that he has her locked in, so that he can start getting his gratification by picking on her). Also, before the relationship really gets going and before he starts thinking of his SO as "his" and gets much more blatant about it (overtly telling her she is stupid, that things are her fault, that she is wrong about things, that she is a "bad girlfriend/wife", etc.), often they will exhibit behavior that is of a "know-it-all", nature, casually dominating conversations, and having a need to discount what other people may say (yes, even her, and her family and friends), in a very subtle way. This isn't very threatening at the time, but if you know what to look for, it can be a sign of things to come.