sober and dry

[sober and dry]

Hi, first of all, thank you, I have already read a lot of got advices in here. But I can't seem go get one good to my situation since it's a very obscure one (at least for me).

So here we go. I will try to make it smaller as possible, but this is like a novel .

 

NOTE: I have everything to believe her since I truly believe I know her very well, after all this is a almost 8 years relationship that I'm talking about, with a lot of things together. She have always been very sincere, to the point of being crude and she is really frontal, with everyone in her life me including.

 

->Facts:

Some 15+ days ago she pushed the "need time and space/a break" card on me from apparently nowhere, and I really tried to give it to. She said she love me truly and that she just wants to see if we have the stuff needed to take the next big step in the relationship, she is confused, doesn't feel the passion anymore and can not replicate the old feelings from our memories as I do, she needs to find herself, etc...

I asked her if she wants to see if the grass is greener on the outside the fence, if she is felling something for some other person, and she said a big no-no.

 

The next week we were together by agreement and after a great dinner we worked out that she doesn't want the real break thing, but just some space. We have been together 3 more times, 2 for her birthday and 1 to re-discuss everything again. Every time we were together since the beginning of all of this we behave almost like nothing is going on.

She told me that if she was in my shoes she would have sended a text every day showing how much she love me, I haven´t done that yet but I have been always the first to establish contact. Beside that and the different behave imposed by the situation, when we were together this 4 times, we still have some kisses and hold hans, have the boyfriend/grilfriend conversation, and everything else we wanted to...

 

-> What I know is been happing this days:

She is going out with her work friends and have new activities with them, especially with this "new" guy how she started talk and "invest" some months ago.

Her relation with this "new" guy is scaring me for real, and have been scaring me ever since I know about it. For some time now (even before this time/space ****) she is always texting him, including when I has with her in our proper time and space. She have done some things with him that I really see as inappropriate, like spending the night in his house or buying lingerie with him for him and her... So much that I have already said it to her, some 4/5 times now, that it's strange, it does bother me and hurries me a lot. She always answered me peremptorily, there is nothing more then friendship.

 

I see 2 choices here and I don't know what to take.

1- keep giving her what she wants and have strength to keep living this days in the sadness, heartache and concerns about the discloser of all of this.

2- star trying to move on and stop all those ****ty feelings.

or a 3 one I don't see right now

 

So what is your opinion?

 

PS:sorry for my poor English and the size of it. Thank you for reading it.

All rights reserved

[lauri]

Ugh man....

 

She is buying lingerie with another guy?? And you think she isn't wearing it for him? I honestly don't know where to start with your situation. She is walking all over you and you're sitting around letting it happen.

 

I'm sorry man this girl is disrespecting you. You need to man up and not be scared to lose her. She has you as a safety net while she's talking to another guy / getting close with him while she keeps you in the wings.

 

In my opinion, call her up right now and tell her that you're not waiting for her and you wish her the best. Then disappear. She has lost interest in you and is just comfortable with you..but man, every thing you have said / wrote about screams that she isn't confused, she just doesn't know how to tell you she isn't in love anymore and that she doesn't wanna lose you JUST in case she "regrets it".

 

You need to walk away from this now.

[sober and dry]

Thank you lauri for your answer.

Keep in mind that she was always been somewhat "libertine", naive but have a strong will. I repeat, I have no real reason, until this day, not to trust her. The lingerie thing was a on-line purshese I find out for myself today, and I think it could have (10%) something to do with us.

You're rigth, I sometimes feel she is king of "disrespecting" me with this new guy thing.

Don't you see any other option, even if it's infinitesimal?

[lauri]

Thank you lauri for your answer.

Keep in mind that she was always been somewhat "libertine", naive but have a strong will. I repeat, I have no real reason, until this day, not to trust her. The lingerie thing was a on-line purshese I find out for myself today, and I think it could have (10%) something to do with us.

You're rigth, I sometimes feel she is king of "disrespecting" me with this new guy thing.

Don't you see any other option, even if it's infinitesimal?

 

No, I don't.

 

I think that she is on her way out and she is keeping you along for a useless ride. All I see here is excused for her inexcusable behaviour. I would start to move on and stop putting yourself through hell for someone..it isn't worth it. Why is she selecting lingerie with another guy online? She should be doing this with you, not him.

 

She has crossed the line and practically has broken up with you, but kept it wishy-washy so you won't take off and she can keep you around. She is talking to another guy and to me that is the final straw. You shouldn't feel like you lost her, because with her actions, she lost you.

 

Cut her off and give her what she is asking for.

[sober and dry]

Yeah I really understand what you are saying lauri, thank you!

Anyone else could share some opinion please?

[movingonnow1]

Yeah I really understand what you are saying lauri, thank you!

Anyone else could share some opinion please?

 

I think what Lauri said is correct...you are being played.

 

Are you just hoping for someone to tell you otherwise? I think that you need to realize that you are having your time wasted. Are you still talking to her while she is spending time with another guy? I seriously hope not.

 

Your situation makes me sad because at one point, I was like you. I did what you did and tried to convince myself otherwise. All the signs are there that this girl sees you to have lower value than another man...and I don't know why you would stick around and deal with that.

[sober and dry]

Today I spend some hours with her, I told her how I'm felling. I can't eat or sleep properly worried with her and thinking that we are lost and so on. I told her that love beats it all and we, together, can overcome anything since we love each other.

The main part I did get from her was that she loves me just like before but since our love is a "fairy tale become true" when we get outside of our "bubble" we sometimes don't work with our new life and she is trying too see if we can or cannot overcome that, that she is trying to see if we have what it take to beat that.

 

That part of our new life is a real concern for me too because she as just started working and still have to learn how to disconnect from the work it self and we need to create a "new balance". I have just finished my licentiate and have to start seeking work for myself. We are in a real critical point of our life.

 

We need to star our real life together and that's just not easy in any circumstance to anyone, I guess.

 

Bottom line, I'm still really in love with her and she says the same, he had almost 8 years together and have overcome many, many things. This one is probably one of the most hard of them all. When we are together it really works. I think we can make it together. But I'm afraid that I'm just being blind.

I had many, many relationships before her and I have always seen the truth in there, they were just not even close to what I have with her now. But, am I just too in love now?

 

PS: the lingerie thing can be many, many things, I simply cannot be sure until I really know.

 

To tell you the truth I don't really know what am I hopping from anything... But, can anyone relate? Did someone pass trough something like this?

Edited November 30, 2014 by sober and dry

[mtnbiker3000]

There is a concept called "abundance". It basically states that you can't be afraid to let go of a bad situation, simply because you think you can't / won't find something new and better. Or that you will be single forever. Unhappy.

 

You need to make decisions based on the idea of abundance, not scarcity. Know that there are plenty of other girls. Plenty of other things you can find excitement, happiness and fulfillment in. You will never run out... Because you are a man of ABUNDANCE!!!

[sober and dry]

Yes that was the concept I used in almost every last one of my breakups. I guess this grill caught me pretty well as well as a karma attack...

[sober and dry]

Hello again, so.... Last day I decided to spy all of her emails, and I did found out the truth. She when to bed with the other guy some days before asking me for the time. They pass this all month dating just it is a very very strong and a real relation and I was just an hurdle our and handicap to them... I make her meet me and told her I did found out everything, what she denied until the very last second. She said a lot of stuff like she love me, she will love me for the rest of her live and so on... At the end, after all, I did tell her that if she some day she "wake up" and put her mind in the place she can come to me and maybe the door will still be open, to what she answered "no don't do that". This was the only wise and decent thing she said to me and I only realized the why of that when I read the full emails of them after talking to her...

My god, I was played at every possible levels, I can't imagine what else she could do wrong... She ****ed me up all the way and threw me to the garbage over and over again until the end...

 

I have really lost a lot, so much of my life and my own...

But at least I think I have learned some important things:

-I give just too much of me

-You will never completely know some one, and everyone is capable of surprising you in the worst way possible anytime

-You must never trust blindly in anyone and above all trust in ourselves and our hunches/insights

 

Does anyone underwent something similar? Any advice? Any help?

Am I thinking something wrong or forgetting something?

What exactly must I think now? Or do to myself?

Edited December 6, 2014 by sober and dry

[lauri]

Hello again, so.... Last day I decided to spy all of her emails, and I did found out the truth. She when to bed with the other guy some days before asking me for the time. They pass this all month dating just it is a very very strong and a real relation and I was just an hurdle our and handicap to them... I make her meet me and told her I did found out everything, what she denied until the very last second. She said a lot of stuff like she love me, she will love me for the rest of her live and so on... At the end, after all, I did tell her that if she some day she "wake up" and put her mind in the place she can come to me and maybe the door will still be open, to what she answered "no don't do that". This was the only wise and decent thing she said to me and I only realized the why of that when I read the full emails of them after talking to her...

My god, I was played at every possible levels, I can't imagine what else she could do wrong... She ****ed me up all the way and threw me to the garbage over and over again until the end...

 

I have really lost a lot, so much of my life and my own...

But at least I think I have learned some important things:

-I give just too much of me

-You will never completely know some one, and everyone is capable of surprising you in the worst way possible anytime

-You must never trust blindly in anyone and above all trust in ourselves and our hunches/insights

 

Does anyone underwent something similar? Any advice? Any help?

Am I thinking something wrong or forgetting something?

What exactly must I think now? Or do to myself?

 

Okay, first and foremost, never ever look at her emails again.

 

Second off, this was obvious from a long time ago, considering she was buying lingerie and disrespecting you while she was dating you. Your biggest mistake was not being a man about it and telling her to hit the curb at that moment. A girl is never going to respect you if you can't respect yourself in the first place.

 

I can't believe you're "leaving the door open for her" after she cheated on you. Man...she will never respect you and she clearly thinks she found a guy who is "better" for her and "higher value" than you. You need to have the mentality that you are the prize here, not her. She made the biggest mistake of her life, and you're going to be okay with it. You know why? Girls like this aren't worth being upset over. Shake it off and start to move forward.

 

She is going to contact you again. Eventually, when she gets bored of him, she will start to "miss you" and "regret her the decision. When she does, you're going to send the strongest message. You're message is going to scream:

1) I don't care about you

2) I've moved on

3) I'm better then you and you're not worth my time.

 

Want to know how you make this message? You disappear. You delete her number, block her on facebook & social media, change your passwords and ignore any attempts she does to contact you. You go NC. Don't feed her ego and make her feel better about herself by responding, talking to her and showing emotion. She doesn't deserve to know that you're hurting. The only thing she deserves is to not hear from you ever again.

 

You need to do this to start to heal and move forward. You're going to one day reach the point of indifference and not care about anything she is doing. Don't leave any door open for this girl...if she cheated on you once, guaranteed she will do it again.

[sober and dry]

Thank you lauri for your answers!

 

Man if I didn't looked at her emails, even today I would be thinking that she will never do what she did, so I really believe it was a "good" thing I done.

No I'm definitely not leaving any door open to her, ever again! What she did destroyed everything, but at the time I said that, sadly, because I didn't know half the story that I know now...

 

Since that day I know for sure that she is not the person I want to spend my life! True she did change very much since she started to work, but even if she eventually, by some miracle, does return back to what she was before, what she was some 3/4 years ago, I don't think I would never accept her in my life in any kind, shape or form!

 

Until this very day she didn't said or done anything to know how I am and I really believe she will never, ever, ever will do that! But if she does for some "karma attack" I think I will never answer her. She done every possible bad thing to me that she could done and because of that she will not deserve anything from me, not now, not ever. She already took everything I had for her...

 

Although I feel used, abused, betrayed, cheated, destroyed, sad, etc... I already started to try to move forward. I have already deleted every text and email of her, packed and kept everything in my home that remember me of her and started to focus on me and what I can make of my life.

 

Meanwhile I still have to take some decisions "about her".

What should I do to all the things of us and that make me remember of her that I have already packed?

 

I don't know what to do with her clothes that she used to wore to sleep at my home. Should I throw it out, pack it up in my home with the other things or return it to her home at her door or by her mother?

 

Should I tell her mother what she did? Her father made something very similar to what she had done to me (just for curiosity, she did criticized him so much for that, until this days), and since day one I have shared what i believed was going on between me and my no ex and her mother always supported me.

Edited December 7, 2014 by sober and dry

[lauri]

Meanwhile I still have to take some decisions "about her".

What should I do to all the things of us and that make me remember of her that I have already packed?

 

I don't know what to do with her clothes that she used to wore to sleep at my home. Should I throw it out, pack it up in my home with the other things or return it to her home at her door or by her mother?

 

Should I tell her mother what she did? Her father made something very similar to what she had done to me (just for curiosity, she did criticized him so much for that, until this days), and since day one I have shared what i believed was going on between me and my no ex and her mother always supported me.

 

With her clothes, you box them up and leave them on her door step. Do not contact her, do not say anything, just do it. Don't even see her when you do it too. If you have no choice to see her when you bring them to her house, you can simply get a friend to drop it off.

 

You do not communicate with her mother because it'll make you appear "weak" and "vengeful". This is apart of no contact, don't give her any more satisfaction about you having feeling for her / caring. It's over for her, shes lost her chance to have you in her life. I did the same to my ex and she still till this day isn't over what happened (aka me cutting her off because of her ego).

 

Time for you to make her realize she made a mistake and for you to realize you're 20x better than the way she treated you. There is no going back...trust me its better you found this out about her now than later. NC is your ally in this situation...let her sit around in guilt about what happened between you two and don't ever talk to her again.

[sober and dry]

With her clothes, you box them up and leave them on her door step. Do not contact her, do not say anything, just do it. Don't even see her when you do it too. If you have no choice to see her when you bring them to her house, you can simply get a friend to drop it off.

 

You do not communicate with her mother because it'll make you appear "weak" and "vengeful". This is apart of no contact, don't give her any more satisfaction about you having feeling for her / caring. It's over for her, shes lost her chance to have you in her life. I did the same to my ex and she still till this day isn't over what happened (aka me cutting her off because of her ego).

 

Time for you to make her realize she made a mistake and for you to realize you're 20x better than the way she treated you. There is no going back...trust me its better you found this out about her now than later. NC is your ally in this situation...let her sit around in guilt about what happened between you two and don't ever talk to her again.

 

Yes I will leave it at her door without being seen. But I don't know if it will be sooner or later, what you think, the sooner the better?

 

I talked to her mother today. We have already arrenged it I did it for respect to her. I did not make myself appear weak or vengeful, but, well I'm not in her head. It has good at least because I make her understand I don't want any contact with her in the near future, I don't want 1 step forward 2 backwards.

 

She did made a ****ing terrible mistake, I do know that I'm much better then her by far. Yes it's true that I did found it know than later on. I don't think I will ever need to enforce the NC since it seem that she doesn't have a least of respect for me, so it will be easy for me.

 

 

I would like to have some opinion from someone who went trough something like this. Would like to know if I'm doing the best way possible.

Thanks everyone

[sober and dry]

Update: Today I manage to drop the bag with her clothes at her door without being seen. Until now, she didn't said or done a thing, at all just like I would expect from her...

 

But today I felt the need of something that I'm afraid that will turn in some steps backward and I really could use some opinions on this PLEASE.

 

I feel the need to have a proper conversation about it all.

Not to try to change it but to make it properly, i.e. when we spoke last time and I broke up with her, it was just gibberish talk, me talking all my frustrations about her errors and she saying nothing at all besides the "you are the love of my life, I wil always love you, hate me, scream at me..." so on, so on...

 

So I feel the need to do, basically, just the same, but talking like adults and two people that have eight years of relation.

 

Now it's like a Shakespeare noble but with the last chapter full of scratches and gibberish, rather than all said with sincerity and with the mind in place, and I think it will be better, more acceptable and easy to to cope. I thinking about doing it just before or after the new year.

 

Am I just deluding myself or is it just a result from the phase of denial?

Is it possible and helpful?

[sober and dry]

Holly crap... I know from the start that this weekend they will be in the hotel she always wanted to visit with the ****er, but instead of ignoring it strait away I'm feeling pretty bad again... Why the hell... I'm mutilating myself with things I can't change and moving backwards again...

The thoughts of "come back to me", "it was 8 good years", "don't leave me like this", "why are you doing that" ... are coming back again ... WTF...

[ConfusedMike]

Holly crap... I know from the start that this weekend they will be in the hotel she always wanted to visit with the ****er, but instead of ignoring it strait away I'm feeling pretty bad again... Why the hell... I'm mutilating myself with things I can't change and moving backwards again...

The thoughts of "come back to me", "it was 8 good years", "don't leave me like this", "why are you doing that" ... are coming back again ... WTF...

 

It's a natural reaction. We start thinking about the good qualities and minimize the bad. We begin to rationalize that maybe what she did wasn't so bad if she recommits to you..and then what? You'll question and second-guess everything she does and at that point it's a downward spiral. I'm going through the same thing which is why I keep a journal. When I feel weak, I write my feelings and reread what I wrote and it help me realize why I will not go back. You're not going to get the answers that you seek by meeting her. She's not going to beg for you back. A small part of you wants her back, or rather the familiarity that was your relationship. For me, that familiarity and comfort that existed with her is the enemy I constantly fight and you need to also. Don't try to get the closure that you seek because there isn't any. Contact will simply lead to is more pain.

[sober and dry]

It´s like the tides... Some moment I'm getting away from her as possible and the others, bamm, there she is destructing it all again...

**** I guess that's what a 8 years relationship does to you...

I'm feeling very inconstant and unstable all this days, and it prevents me from moving forward...

[Satu]

All you will get from any contact with her is more pain.

 

Walk away. Don't look back.

[sober and dry]

I'm trying the best I can to walk away, one step at a time, without looking back as much as I can. But it's not easy for sure. So many memories, everything can remember me of one, everything I do does the same. But

 

 

 

 

unfortunately I can get one that's good because she ruined every one of them and that's really bad and unfortunately.

 

 

There are some things I did learn and hope to never forget:

 

-Always trust my instincts above all and be faithful to them until my dead

-Give ONE and only one chance if that person deserves it but NEVER but anybody above me in any circumstance, whoever that be

-Never live a life purely in another function and abandon pretty much everyone else, especially your true friends

That's all mistakes I think I did, sadly, and that's not a way to love someone, now I see it, but I guess I was being an incurable romantic, but never more!

 

Thanks LS for all the support you are giving me, it was been very helpful.

 

EDIT: I love Placebo songs, they are so true and make so much sense but they hurt at the same time

[sober and dry]

Well this is the 13th day in NC with her. Some days I feel better others not that much... Resuming I think I'm slowly healing as I should, but I'm not sure?!

 

I just keep wanting to say somethings to her... If I turn off my rationality even just a bit I start moving towards contacting her.

I keep feeling the need to get a better endpoint and I justify it with "it will make it easier to me to cope with this", because things just ended sourer because the way I talked and the facts, wile I felt she was trying something different but she didn't work for it because she felt guilty I did destroyed it with reason for that obviously.

I keep thinking that "I'm better then that". First of all I already stopped to blame her for what she did, I didn't forgive her but I did managed to put that aside.

 

Today I remembered, next Monday we would make our 8 years together, maybe I could ask her out or on a dinner, just "for the old time sake" or something like that. Or maybe just send her a text saying pretty much and I have been saying in here.

What's your opinion? Should I save it for the case she contacts me instead? I was the one who got hurt, not her...

Edited December 17, 2014 by sober and dry

[Satu]

Today I remembered, next Monday we would make our 8 years together, maybe I could ask her out or on a dinner, just "for the old time sake" or something like that. Or maybe just send her a text saying pretty much and I have been saying in here.

 

What's your opinion? Should I save it for the case she contacts me instead? I was the one who got hurt, not her...

 

My opinion is that she hurt you, but now you're thinking of hurting yourself.

 

No contact.

[sober and dry]

My opinion is that she hurt you, but now you're thinking of hurting yourself.

 

No contact.

Probably, I alway had that tendency unfortunately...

[lauri]

Probably, I alway had that tendency unfortunately...

 

Good for you making it to day 13 of NC. That's impressive and its not easy to do. Can I ask what are you doing in the meantime? Are you going to the gm and/or doing things you enjoy?

 

You know deep down you have the power to move forward...but the question is do you want to do that? You need to make the decision yourself and realize that you can have a happy life without your ex.

[sober and dry]

Good for you making it to day 13 of NC. That's impressive and its not easy to do. Can I ask what are you doing in the meantime? Are you going to the gm and/or doing things you enjoy?

 

You know deep down you have the power to move forward...but the question is do you want to do that? You need to make the decision yourself and realize that you can have a happy life without your ex.

 

I know I say many contractions and I do a lot of contradicting things at the same time, but it's just my way to navigate life.

Well since this all started I go out with friend and must likely get drunk 4 days a week, I go to the gym 4 maybe 5 days a week and I'm searching for my first job.

Probably I have the power to move forward but at the same time I keep the feelings and the memories from oblivion because there was many, many good times and she did, quite literally, saved my life 2 or 3 times and that's just hard for me to forget or move forward without acknowledge it to her. So it will be a little harder for me to be happy without my ex... I had just started saying ex this days...