I don't understand, why..?

[beach]

He does it because you allow it. He does it because you've stayed when he's acted that way. It's that simple.

 

When it's not you you it will be his next victim - as every perpetrator (abuser) needs a victim.

 

I don't believe you are a strong as you state. And I don't believe he is a weak as you state.

 

But never is hitting another person a solution to any disagreement. That's not loving behavior.

 

Sitting down and calmly discussing solutions to any disagreements is a healthy way of communicating.

 

I hope you will find a partner that respects you enough to participate communicating with you in this much more reasonable way.

[Vices-Virtues]

He does it because you allow it. He does it because you've stayed when he's acted that way. It's that simple.

 

When it's not you you it will be his next victim - as every perpetrator (abuser) needs a victim.

 

I don't believe you are a strong as you state. And I don't believe he is a weak as you state.

 

But never is hitting another person a solution to any disagreement. That's not loving behavior.

 

Sitting down and calmly discussing solutions to any disagreements is a healthy way of communicating.

 

I hope you will find a partner that respects you enough to participate communicating with you in this much more reasonable way.

 

 

I 100% agree with sitting and discussion the problem, but always says that problems will fix their selfs. I am strong as I say I am, I'm still alive arent i? I still can put up with all the damage.

[Blue08]

Do not bring any children into this world you or him are ready. And children do not fix things. You have the right to live your life the way you choose but I hope one day you wake up and realize you deserve better than this.

[beach]

I 100% agree with sitting and discussion the problem, but always says that problems will fix their selfs. I am strong as I say I am, I'm still alive arent i? I still can put up with all the damage.

 

But see, that's what you don't see yet... All that damage does hurt any person. Deep down it hurts - and adds up - and slowly kills the spirit within a person.

 

And that's a death that you're not seeing yet.

 

 

You may still be surviving now but you're masking your pain with other forms of survival that you've yet to admit/address.

 

 

And you may never get to a point of facing it all... But that is a tactic of avoiding what is real and how to change your experience with abuse.

[Vices-Virtues]

We talked today. I told him I wanted to talk about our relationship tomorrow and he said about what and I told him how I feel like I don't met his quality and that I'm not sure if I should stay with him because of that and because of other issues with him putting his hands on me and stuff.

 

So he said no, we aren't gonna talk about it. Then he started talking about how I am childish and I am not letting him focus on guitar and music. He also said that I don't listen to what he says he says he goes out one ear to another. I totally disagree .

After he said all that he said, " I don't want to be with you anymore, you are just to childish." Then he started comparing himself to Einstien and how he lost all his wife's because he focused on his dreams mores

 

I don't understand he goes on this big thing about how we aren't breaking up to we need to break up .

 

I can't tell if he trying to reverse it so I will fight for him or if he really means it or if it's not him speaking and he is just speaking out of anger.

 

Also he said that I am playing with his life and talking about him on this forum and it's an insult to him, because he is being judge and other bs.

Edited December 5, 2014 by Vices-Virtues

[evanescentworld]

Listen to me, very carefully:

 

This -guy - has - a - mental - problem.

I am absolutely serious.

 

There is nothing in his approach which considers you of any value to him. He turns everything back on you, holds you entirely responsible for his failings and blames you for pretty much every cock-up this "Relationship" demonstrates. (I don't really consider it a relationship. I think he is an abusive, demented bully, and I think you are a blinkered, misguided, manipulated victim, who fails to really see the truth of the situation.)

 

It's totally, totally wrong on all, any and every level you could mention.

There is NOTHING good about the situation you are in.

 

The post you just wrote (above mine) is the first and only one (AFAIK) where you actually do not counter any form of defence for him, or give him justification or reason.

 

But why in the name of anything sacred and wonderful, you would see fit to 'fight for him' is beyond me, when it's patently obvious by what you recount - IN THE SAME POST - that he would never, ever until his dying breath, afford you the same consideration.

He has total contempt for you, he is keeping you subjugated and considers you completely inferior to himself, and unworthy of any respect.

 

And you have played into this, cultivated it, encouraged it and built it up until the man has turned into a complete monster.

The way he is now?

You are partly responsible for this, and you need to face that.

The hateful, spiteful things he says to you, are fuelled by your permission for him to treat you this way.

[me85]

But see, that's what you don't see yet... All that damage does hurt any person. Deep down it hurts - and adds up - and slowly kills the spirit within a person.

 

And that's a death that you're not seeing yet.

 

 

You may still be surviving now but you're masking your pain with other forms of survival that you've yet to admit/address.

 

 

And you may never get to a point of facing it all... But that is a tactic of avoiding what is real and how to change your experience with abuse.

 

What I highlighted in bold is 100% truth. That's what happened to me. I'm a very strong surviving woman-and I mean very strong (endured a tremendous amount of damage in my childhood/youth) but my ex broke my spirit. He broke me down. The damage he caused me is mainly the reason I'm emotionally unavailable. I'm happy and optimistic these days and have made SO MUCH progress since square one but I feel as though I'll never get my spark back. I still feel broken.

 

Beach, the OP seems very immature. I'm guessing she's pretty young.

 

YES OP you seem very immature and I'm guessing you're pretty young. I can tell by the way you're expressing yourself.

Edited December 5, 2014 by me85

[beach]

This is good! So now take your things and leave today!

 

The agreement is that it's over now and the door is wide open for you to run!

 

GO!!!!!

 

GO anywhere! A homeless shelter if you need to but go and don't answer any calls or texts from him!

 

Please go now!

[elaine567]

He has finished it, he knows it is toxic relationship and that you are not good for him.

Listen to him, he is speaking from his heart.

If you truly love him then walk away, the last thing you would want is to push him too far and he ends up in jail because of you.

 

Leave him be, to his music and his guitar.

[bathtub-row]

Abusers hate being dumped because it's not something they control. It makes them completely nuts. So he's going to control you by breaking up with you first. Don't worry, though, even if you do leave, he'll be back begging you to return to him, telling you how sorry he is, how he can't live without you, etc. Then you'll believe him, relieved that he came to his senses, and go back. But you'll soon discover that nothing has changed and the cycle will continue.

[KatZee]

Him dumping you will be the biggest gift you receive from anyone in your lifetime because you live too far off in fantasyland to see the reality of your situation.

 

Jesus Christ where are your parents? Do you have any guidance whatsoever?

 

There is no "love" in any aspect of this situation.

 

It's toxic, unhealthy, abusive, controlling, manipulative, codependent, drama, etc etc.

 

Where do you come up with the statement that everyone gets mad and wants to physically assault their partner? mentally stable and emotionally healthy people don't go around beating the s.hit out of each other.

 

I feel so sorry for you that you think this is what's normal, that this is what everyone does, and that this is how everybody feels/behaves. You're not even a little bit correct in your statements and assumptions.

 

I don't even think you're aware how much control this person has over you. He has no one? He's going to kill himself if you leave? Bulls.hit. It's all manipulation to keep you around as his personal punching bag.

 

It's so obvious he's full of garbage. He spins his tale of woe so you won't leave him, yet when he's sick and tired of you, he'll drop you faster than a sack of trash in the street. So obviously, yes, dude can live without you.

[anika99]

He has finished it, he knows it is toxic relationship and that you are not good for him.

Listen to him, he is speaking from his heart.

If you truly love him then walk away, the last thing you would want is to push him too far and he ends up in jail because of you.

 

Leave him be, to his music and his guitar.

 

 

While I agree that she should just let him be I really disagree with the way you worded the rest of your post. He knows it's toxic and she is not good for him? You make it sound like she is making him abusive and if one day he assaults her so seriously that he winds up in jail it will be all her fault.

 

First of all any relationship this guy ever has is going to be toxic because he is toxic. He is an abuser and he will abuse anyone who gets close to him.

 

 

Secondly if he winds up in jail one day it will be because of him, not because of whomever he was assaulting at the moment. Nobody else but him is responsible for his choices and behavior. If he goes to jail it's his fault.

 

 

Lastly whether or not this guy winds up in prison one day is hardly my biggest concern. I'm more concerned for the woman or women he may hurt. What if one of them winds up in the hospital or even worse winds up dead? That's what this girl needs to see and worry about. She shouldn't concern herself over the possibility of her poor little abuser going to jail. As a matter of fact, the next time he touches her she should call the police. Maybe an arrest and a trip to jail would smarten him up.

[anika99]

Him dumping you will be the biggest gift you receive from anyone in your lifetime because you live too far off in fantasyland to see the reality of your situation.

 

Jesus Christ where are your parents? Do you have any guidance whatsoever?

 

There is no "love" in any aspect of this situation.

 

It's toxic, unhealthy, abusive, controlling, manipulative, codependent, drama, etc etc.

 

Where do you come up with the statement that everyone gets mad and wants to physically assault their partner? mentally stable and emotionally healthy people don't go around beating the s.hit out of each other.

 

I feel so sorry for you that you think this is what's normal, that this is what everyone does, and that this is how everybody feels/behaves. You're not even a little bit correct in your statements and assumptions.

 

I don't even think you're aware how much control this person has over you. He has no one? He's going to kill himself if you leave? Bulls.hit. It's all manipulation to keep you around as his personal punching bag.

 

It's so obvious he's full of garbage. He spins his tale of woe so you won't leave him, yet when he's sick and tired of you, he'll drop you faster than a sack of trash in the street. So obviously, yes, dude can live without you.

 

 

I still remember my first love relationship. He didn't physically abuse me but he was abusive. He would go into rages, put holes in the walls, call me vile names, scream right in my face, break my stuff. At first I would just cry and take it and then I started fighting back. He'd be screaming and swearing at me and I'd be screaming and swearing at him. It was awful but at the time I truly thought that everyone acted this way. I was 100% convinced that our relationship was normal and when people would act all offended by our behavior and tell me that it's not healthy to fight that way, I honestly thought that they were being judgemental and hypocritical because I believed that everyone carried on like we did.

 

 

I was just sixteen years old when I got involved with him and I stayed with him for 7 yrs. He was 8 years older than me. Thankfully he had enough self control to never hit me but he did push me down once and drag me through our apartment one other time. When I think back to those fights now it makes me sick. Our relationship was so sick and I didn't even know it.

 

 

So it's entirely possible that the OP truly believes that everyone wants to physically assault their loved ones but hopefully one day soon she will see the light of day and realize that a romantic relations can and should be so much better than what she as experienced thus far. After my first relationship ended I got the gift of meeting a real man and experiencing real love.

[evanescentworld]

While I agree that she should just let him be I really disagree with the way you worded the rest of your post. He knows it's toxic and she is not good for him? You make it sound like she is making him abusive and if one day he assaults her so seriously that he winds up in jail it will be all her fault.

 

Actually, anika99, if you read the OP's posts, throughout she makes reference to her deliberate provoking and pushing him. She knows the triggers that set him off, and she has on more than one occasion deliberately pushed those boundaries to make him hit her. She has a warped sense of WHY she does that, too, but she has admitted more than once to purposely engaging with him to the point of violence.

I know, astounding, isn't it?

 

First of all any relationship this guy ever has is going to be toxic because he is toxic. He is an abuser and he will abuse anyone who gets close to him.

Apaprently she provokes him to prove to her that no matter how many times he beats her up, she will not shift or flinch.... You know....like "I'm stronger than you think" kind of warped thinking.

 

 

 

Secondly if he winds up in jail one day it will be because of him, not because of whomever he was assaulting at the moment. Nobody else but him is responsible for his choices and behavior. If he goes to jail it's his fault.

100% agree with this. provocation would be no defence, and rightly so... Because she needs psychological assistance. badly.

 

 

Lastly whether or not this guy winds up in prison one day is hardly my biggest concern. I'm more concerned for the woman or women he may hurt. What if one of them winds up in the hospital or even worse winds up dead? That's what this girl needs to see and worry about. She shouldn't concern herself over the possibility of her poor little abuser going to jail. As a matter of fact, the next time he touches her she should call the police. Maybe an arrest and a trip to jail would smarten him up.

Ok... What do you think everyone has been trying to convince her of, these past 5 pages....? And it seems to have fallen on totally deaf ears.... Have you read the thread, at all? It's frankly vile....

[Vices-Virtues]

Nope, we didn't break up. He was speaking out of fustration because he didn't want to hear what I was saying so he tried to use the "we are breaking up" excuse so I would stop.

 

He always does that too when he gets mad then the next day or few hours later he tells me he was just mad and didn't mean it.

 

I wonder if he truly wants to or not. I feel like he is fighting with his own self as to what he should do.

 

I told him if he wanted to break up I wouldn't beg him or try to get him to stay because Im tired of it all.

But he just said we aren't breaking up and to be quiet.

And that if he wanted to leave me he would have left me.

 

But when he gets mad he insults me and tells me he doesn't want to be with me.

 

He hasn't put his hands on me in like a week, which is good. Sometimes it goes a month without him doing so, he does try to keep his temper under control, but it's hard and I know it's hard especially when you have someone in your face basically telling you to do something about it.

He will be 18 in 2 months and I'm 17. Everyone makes mistake and we all try to fix them and that's exactly what is going on with us. We are trying to fix the mistakes .

 

Also I would never call the cops on him unless I had no choice, but I doubt he would let himself slip that far since he has high expectations for his future.

 

I believe this will be the end of this post/forum since I have agreed to not post about him anymore. Thank you for all responds, I will take everything in consideration for the future just in case what I believe is just an illusion as yall say it is.

[Allumere]

I want to know why you bother coming on this forum as you have not taken ANY of what folks here are trying to tell you.

 

Reality

 

He is an abuser

You are NOT in control AT all

Your behavior is typical of someone who has had a crap life and/or crap examples of how things are suppose to be.....listen to everyone here please...THERE IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT THIS MAN OR THIS RELATIONSHIP.

 

Well bully for him, he hasn't hit you this week...Boyfriend of the year!

Sadly you do not realize that hitting you once is one time too many.

Folks have told you "why" he is how he is so you can understand and YOU AREN'T listening.

 

You are still very much a child as far as I am concerned and it kills me to see you so screwed up and screwed over....I fear the only hope for you is somebody kidnaps you and takes you far away from this sick man and puts you in a home so you can get some serious therapy.

 

I don't care if you dislike what I say, trust me....I (and the other folks on this forum) care about you and everything we say is truth.

[evanescentworld]

Is this video viewable in the USA?

 

Panorama - Domestic abuse - Caught on Camera.

[KatZee]

Is this video viewable in the USA?

 

Panorama - Domestic abuse - Caught on Camera.

 

 

No.

 

10 characters.

[Trimmer]

Is this video viewable in the USA?

 

Panorama - Domestic abuse - Caught on Camera.

 

It looks like it's very specifically protected, with the intent that the content is only viewable in the UK.

[evanescentworld]

Great shame. It basically echoes everything the OP has been told, about the abused/abuser.

 

One interesting fact that came out is that many perceive an abused person to be dependent on the abuser, to be somehow needy of their attention, thus giving cause to the abused person's reluctance to leave.

 

It seems nothing could be further from the truth.

It has been established, apparently, that it is the Abuser who needs his victim. The abuser depends on the presence and compliance of the victim, and this dependence on their presence, keeps them strong.

The Abused victim falls into a calm, subservient attitude as a life-preserving measure. They obey, and fall into a totally dominated attitude, because it saves their life.

It comes to the point where in some cases, they even fear making eye-contact with their own reflection, so cowed are they.

 

And denial?

Oh my god yes, by the truck-load. Masses of it.

[evanescentworld]

The programme itself may not be available for streaming in the USA, but a simple 'google' search is harrowingly revealing....

[Trimmer]

Great shame. It basically echoes everything the OP has been told, about the abused/abuser.

 

One interesting fact that came out is that many perceive an abused person to be dependent on the abuser, to be somehow needy of their attention, thus giving cause to the abused person's reluctance to leave.

 

It seems nothing could be further from the truth.

It has been established, apparently, that it is the Abuser who needs his victim. The abuser depends on the presence and compliance of the victim, and this dependence on their presence, keeps them strong.

Interesting, as this resonates with the oft-heard victim's refrain (we've even heard it in this thread) along the lines of "but he/she needs me..." It seems that victims are often instinctively aware of this dynamic, and while their recognition of it may be objectively correct, it has the tragic consequence that - as we see with the OP in this thread - the victim takes responsibility for the abuser's pathology.

[spemat]

Please love yourself more than this. Nobody should hit anyone. My first girlfriend slapped me once and I said if it happens again, she's gone. Same with the 2nd boyfriend I had, he didn't connect but we're bisexuals and he would have done some damage. If you want to keep the guy get into therapy.

 

 

Is this one of those situations where you both beat up on each other?? (I have seen them and they never leave) or some sort of S&M. Is it that good??? (sorry I don't understand)

[Jewels7]

Oi. I'm not sure why I'm bothering to comment on this. 1) you have not listened to anything anyone has said 2) you said you will not be posting on here anymore. I'm going to tell you this though just in case you do get on here and read it again.

 

No one is telling you this for s**ts and giggles. They are telling you because they've been there. If you're still with this guy in 10 years (if you're alive in 10 years) you will probably look like you are about 42. Or either you will look like those guys who do MMA. The ones who have their ears reattached and facial bones broken so many times you can't tell what they once looked like. I am not telling you this to be mean. I left my ex 7 months ago and he was no where near as bad as your guy. Actually he almost sounds like a saint compared to your "man." But the thing is... I listened to that tiny gut feeling that told me I could possibly be hurt one day. I know you have that gut feeling or otherwise you wouldn't post on here. You say you have the control in the relationship? If that's the case why does he hit you to begin with?? Do you just ask him to? Do you enjoy it? YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL. Please read up on Stockholm syndrome because you have it. He knows exactly what he's doing. He's gaslighting you big time. Please get out before we see you on the news.

Edited December 29, 2014 by Jewels7