Desperate!

[Sweetheart101]

I need help and advice from whoever is willing to listen. I am in a really bad situation right now and I am confused and just do not know what to do.

 

I met this guy through a friend in December. The first night I met him we hit it off pretty good. Well never heard from him again after that, and I would see him around and he was very shady but still friendly at some points. Well he started calling again and likes me but he is just in a point in his life that he does not want a girlfriend-which is understandable. So we became "friends with benefits" and by the way he was my first guy that I became intimate with. Things were ok in the beginning, he would call every week and come over. But he comes over, gets what he wants and is ready to head out the door, and it makes me feel so used because I honestly do have some feelings for him, but my friends say thats what "fwb" is, no strings attached.

 

My problem is we are not fwb, its just benefits, he doesn't want to hang out with me besides that, and when he sees me in public he doesn't speak a word to me but hi, is he ashamed of me, does he not want people to think we are together, i am so hurt by the way he just walks past me in public like he doesn't know me, but he knows me when he is ringing my phone to come over? Now it gets worse, he doesn't call as often as he used to, a week or two will go by and I never know if he is gonna call, and I found out he has two other fwb besides me, now i don't know what to do.I know the obvious is to ditch him but I have feelings for him and I dont want to lose him even though hes made it clear he has no feelings for me, just wants sex.

 

I am more mad about him treating me the way he does in public than the two girls. I am just scared to give him up because I have never had a boyfriend or a guy to be with that cares about me, I think I am just hoping he will change his mind. And I don't want to lose him since his is the only guy giving me attention, even though its bad attention and every two weeks or so. Please help! Tell me how to handle this, Im desperate.

[aliya34]

What reason would he have to be ashamed of you?

 

It sounds like he does not respect you. I would stop with the friends with benefits thing if you really do want a relationship out of this. If he still pursues you, and you do not give in to the friends with benefits thing take things slow and see if he is for real. People don't ever want what they can easily have.

 

Take it slow and just be friends for now, I'd say. He's at that point where he's going to want to date around other girls if you can stand it. Be a faithful friend, but no more no less. When he's serious and has matured up a bit, and is still interested in having a more-than-friends relationship, he'll have to show and prove to you that he's willing to give up his little antics and settle it down for atleast a long-term thing. Anyway that's just my opinion.... Good luck!

[angelj]

you need to cut this guy off.

 

seriously he sounds like he is having his cake and eating it too...and its not good because its killing you! it will be the hardest thing in the world to do, but i dont know if anything would come out of this because he A seems like an ass B is so used to the fwb thing with you and C would you really want to date a guy like this anyway? although he is strictly being friends with benefits, you obviously want more and therefore you cannot continue with this. you are only seriously damaging yourself in the end. be selfish. just because this is the first guy that has shown this kind of interest in you does not mean he will be the last. he certainly wont be the last, unless you let him be!! (which is what you are doing) i know thats hard to think about right now but trust me, i was in this type of situation before with a guy i was head over heels for. but the signs are there and very clear...he just wants the benefits and thats all hes going to allow you to have as well. remember who you are and what you want too and dont give into something that doesnt allow you to be happy and feel comfortable about. your feelings are important!!

[Sweetheart101]

Thank you both for answering me, it really helped, i just hope i can do this and let him go. the bad thing is i dont think we would stay friends b/c he doesn't even care to be my friend right now. but he has hurt me enough to where i dont care if we were friends or not. i know he doesn't care about me like i care for him and he has two other girls so thats enough for me to know i need to ditch him, its just hard, but i dont think things would ever change, becuase doesn't he have the life, huh? Thanks so much yall!

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I would just echo what the other posters have said. All good advice. It sounds to me like he means a lot more to you than just good sex, and if that is the case, the way he treats you may be taking more of a toll on you than what it is worth.

 

FWB relationships are ok if everyone really is on the same page, but so often, one party really does have stronger feelings than the other, and the party with the strong feelings agrees to this sort of arrangement, just hoping that it will become more for the other person as well. Usually, that does not happen, and you end up with one person who is just really enjoying all of the really good sex (and possibly the friendship, although in your guy's case, it soudns like mostly he is just in it for the sex), and another person, who is madly, head over heels in love with the person they have this "no strings attached" arrangement with. In this situation, someone usually gets badly hurt.

 

If you want my advice, just end your "benefits" with this guy. If that also ends the friendship, so be it. Then you will know what he was really in it for anyway. I know it hurts, and I think he was a real a$$**** to take your virginity on that basis if there were not real feelings there on his part, but don't dwell on it, and don't get upset about it, just move on.

 

Find a man who will take you out, acknowledge who you are as a person, enjoy a real friendship with you, and then at the end of the day, will make love to you, not just have sex with you - there is a huge difference, and you will find that out.

 

Sorry you ended up in a situation like this. Not all men are like that - we're not all jerks. I'm sure you will find someone who will treat you right.

[angelj]

when i said i was in a simliar situation, it was almost identical. except the guy i was in it with tried a little harder with the friends part so that made it EVEN HARDER for me. i kept thinking, theres a chance he called me! he talks to me more than his other girl, he likes me! ughh...this was when i was just getting out of high school (about 5 years ago) and he was my first too. all i wanted was to be with him, heck when i was that age i thought he was the perfect man (he is 4 1/2 years older than i) and thought i could spend the rest of my life with him?

 

i needed to get a grip. despite all the fair warnings and amazing advice from my friends, family, and even close knit group of guy pals i called my older brothers that also happened to be his group of best friends, i still would not let myself move on. it honestly went on for about 2 1/2 years. the beginning he was unattached, when things with him and i began, (keep in mind we had known each other since i was 14. he was that cool senior i had the crush for and i swear he kept me on the back burner until i was 18).

 

he came up to visit me at school 2 hours away, etc. except me being the shy younger girl only having a few boyfriends previously that never lasted too long, didnt make any moves and didnt call. so when he started dating a new girl seriously, i was crushed. we actually didnt even speak for 4 months until we were both wasted and he sent the new girlfriend to bed so he could speak with me. (yes she actually complied with this) then poured his heart out (while i cried) him basically saying i didnt think you wanted to be with me. i liked you so much and you hurt me. and me saying oh no its my fault i didnt think you liked me!

 

ugh makes me sad to think that i was once such a naive and weak woman. but its all a part of the learning process. to sum up my story, relations continued with us all the while he was in that damn relationship. the sad part was, i went right along with it, no intentions of hurting the other girls feelings, no intentions of being a homewrecker, i truely thought he was going to just drop it all and be with me. of course it didnt end up that way and i thank God everyday it didnt. he is the weakest saddest example of a man. your guy reminds me of him. the boy in my story needs a girl who will bend over backwards while asking how high he wants her to jump. he lives a sick and manipulated lifestyle. once you really see the big picture, you will be like what the heck was i thinking?? ive got so much more to offer!!!

 

it will take time. and maybe a ton of bricks to hit you in the head. (thats pretty much what it took for me) and i STILL had feelings for him. its almost like getting over someone you were in a relationship with for a long period of time because you let yourself build up those same emotions. but let me tell you this...once you do move on, date a few more losers, and finally find yourself a DECENT guy, wow. you will be well-deserving of that award and dont worry, you will get it. my best friend always said if it doesnt work out its not meant to be and its not your turn yet. to this day i HATE hearing that, but shes right.

 

keep the faith and keep your head up woman. dont settle for less than what you are worth. and yes, we all are a little crazy, but that doesnt mean dont deserve a happy, loving, self-gratifying relationship that is not devoid of intimacy and deep trust/friendship.

 

class dismissed.

[Quintana1985]

First of all, cut this guy off. You are disrespecting yourself and allowing him to do it too. Stop answering his calls and move on. I know that it is harder said than done, but you have to. There are plenty of good guys out there. If you have any free time, buy that book, "He's Just Not That into You". It is really a great book and it would help you tremendously. It has helped me tons.