Coke addiction, Alchoholism or Infidelity?

[LoveOneAnother]

Let me start by saying, Im not entirely sure of what the problem is. Im hoping somebody here can help me. Im either dealing with alchohlism, coke addiction, or infidelity.

 

Before my boyfriend moved in with me, I was unaware of any problems. He moved in 7 months ago. In this period of time, there became a pattern. He will go out to the bars 1-2 times a week. He promises he will be back at a certain time, and never will come home. He will not answer any of my calls and will not come home until 8:00-11:00 the next morning.

 

He is very apologetic when he comes home. Full of promises that this will never happen again. I used to believe him.

 

He insists that he would never cheat on me. He says that he starts out by drinking, then he'll do a line of coke. After he does the coke, he doesnt care anymore. He hears my calls, but ignores them because he doesnt care anymore. He says that he fully intends to come home, but stays out partying until finally the coke wears off and he crashes.

 

I have two kids with him and another one on the way. I cant handle the stress anymore. Is there anything I can do? Im ready to give up.

 

Any input will be greatly appriciated. Thanks...

[life loser]

I would try and divert him from going out (go for a wlk, the movies, etc.) and get him out of the habit if you can. Same with the other bad influences - keep him otherwise occupied.

 

If that doesn't work, the only way an addict stops is by themselves, but you may be able to help him get therapy and maybe into a rehab program, but you'd better not alienate him or offend him by being heavy handed about it

 

As far as the infidelity part, you answered that question yourself by saying that after some coke he just doesn't care - so no amount of promises to you will stop him doing something if the opportunity arises.

 

Good luck, but just remeber, no one can change soemeone if they don't want to change - maybe you need to start thinking about protecting your kids and taking care of them and yourself if he doesn't

[LoveOneAnother]

LifeLoser,

 

I left him yesterday. Now I have to deciede what I can do in the long run. I miss him and hope we can make it work. I can not tolerate what hes doing anymore though and know Im making the only decision I can if I want to be happier.

[life loser]

Good for you! Stand up for yourself (and your kids) and be firm! Maybe it will make him change - if not, you're doing the right thing by making the only decision you can if you want to be happier and can't tolerate what he's doing anymore.

 

Good luck

[LoveOneAnother]

Thank you =)

 

My boyfriend doesnt even care about me at all. The truth hurts me so much, but its better to know now than later. I always suspected, now I know. He hasnt even bothered to call me once in the past 3 days. My parents both had a talk with him and it didnt do a thing. Hes a selfish pig. Now I will soon have three kids to raise alone. Better alone than unloved.

[ollydolly]

You are a brave girl, Loveoneanother! Best of luck - be strong. x

[shamen]

Loveoneanother,

 

God, your first post sounds like my life of over 2 1/2 years living with my ex. We were together for 4 all told, we are no longer together, thank god.

 

Know that you are better off. I will post more later to you. Stay strong and don't give in to his pleadings if he's not willing to get his as* in rehab.

 

I finally realized that he loved alcohol and drugs more than he loved me and I just couldn't have that in my life anymore.

[jam0033]

I think my husband of 3 years is addicted to cocaine. I have found empty small baggies with white residue on it, a small amount wrapped in a baggie in his wallet, a chewed off straw, eye drops... when I tasted the white residue, it was bitter and numbing, almost stinging. He admitted to using each time I confronted him after arguing and denial. someone told me to taste the cards in his wallet. I did and it was the same taste. I wiped them all clean one night when he slept. Yesterday, I licked one and the same taste was there again. I asked him to tell me the truth but he said he is and that he is not using anymore. Do I believe him or is he a lying addict? Help?! What other things do I need to look for? Am I crazy?

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[LittleMiss]

Other signs to look for might be:

Loss of appetitie

Weight loss

Runny nose

Constant sniffing (like if he was sick)

Restlessness

Oh, yeah money missing. Coke is expensive so if he was doing it alot you would be able to tell if he's been spending a lot of cash.

[scarlyjones]

Ok,...this coming from a person who drank for 15 years. I went into treatment last march and have been sober ever since. I know exactly what you're describing. This sounds like he is an alcoholic. Alot of alcoholics go out drinking on any given night and THEN are open to anything else. I used to get a buzz on and then do coke,..weed,...mushrooms,...ecstasy,...whatever anyone had. I would go out and stay out for three days or four days at a time. Say sorry over and over when I got back. I would say I wont do it anymore only to DO IT again. I would say whatever I thought the person wanted to hear JUST TO KEEP ME OUT OF THE DOGHOUSE. Never really MEANT any of it. This guy sounds like he has a HUUUUUUUUUUGE drinking problem. Normal drinkers dont go out drinking 2 or 3 times a week when they have a wife and child. They DONT. He sounds like a drunk,...and extremely immature. Doesnt want to give up those "high school" or "college" party time days. He will pay for it TEN FOLD. With losing you,...his kids,...his job,....his friends,....his selfrespect AND ultimately,...his life. He needs help. But only HE can make that decision. God Bless you......and good luck.

[shamen]

Being with someone who has both alcohol and narcotic issues sux. I did it for a long time. Lots of lying he did. Tons and tons. He would try all sorts of things to keep me out of the loop in terms of what was really going on.

 

Check out the Alcoholics Anonymous website and the Narcotics Anonymous ones. They will be very useful as to what you can do...

 

I tried to get him in rehab... he was clean for a month. That's it...

[scarlyjones]

Thats because HE didnt want it. Any drunk can get clean for a month or two,... That usually is done to shut OTHER people up for a while. So they CAN eventually go back to it. They have to want to quit. He doesnt seem to.

[blind_otter]

Man this pisses me off. I had the same thing happen to me. Except my ex started using crack and then went nuts and attacked me and a friend of mine. I hate mentioning it, but DAMN it pisses me off.

 

I can't stand this sh*t the more I hear about women who were in abusive or neglectful relationships with addicts. Codependency and all that. Ugh. Alcoholics should not get into relationships.

[scarlyjones]

Unfortunately,....most alcoholics are ALREADY IN a relationship when they realize they're alcoholics.

[shamen]

My ex didn't realize that he was an alcoholic until we were together...

 

When it comes to the coke, I knew that he had had a problem in his past and he hid it from me for quite a while before he admitted that he was using again.

 

Christ, I wasted four years on him. When I could have been with someone else instead of wasting my time thinking that he might actually get it together.

[cvann]

This is all so crazy to me. I dated my ex-bf for 5mths..we had an understanding that we were trying to help each other get on our feet and go from there..as time went on he started taking money out of my account...staying out late..not coming home at all (a few times)..and just a change in his attitude towards me. He got very controlling.. and violent. He started bringing weed into the house.. smoking it on occasion.. and selling it.. I didn't want that in my house.. but I was afraid to tell him..b/c I was afraid of him..he ended up going to jail for possession and it seems like everything after that mellowed out. He changed his cell phone number.. and started staying home all the time..but THEN.. he started drinking A LOT. Soon money was starting to disappear again.. and I started getting behind on bills,etc. I bought a brand new car.. which he took.. and totaled w/in 3wks of me buying it (drinking and driving).. and even STILL I was there for him. We moved out of state and tried to get a new start.. and once we got here.. w/in 3wks.. He broke up with me. A few days after the break up he started acting really aggressive, paranoid, and just mean. I didn't understand it. He was very uncaring and distant to me.. and doesn't even look at me now. He acts like I was nothing to him. He doesn't shave, doesn't iron his clothes anymore, and is NOT working..all he does all day is drink and smoke weed.. and who knows what else..I'm very hurt and concerned about him b/c we both have children(none together)..I know that all he loves and cares about are his children, but if he stays down here on this crap he is never gonna get his life together.. I wanna talk to him and tell him how I feel.. but I think that he will just push me away..what should I do?

[scarlyjones]

You want to know what you should do? First let me say that Im an alcoholic. Ive been sober for a year and a couple of months. I drank severely for 15 years. Gallon of whiskey a day for the last three years. AND two or three 40oz of beer too. I have seen it all. Every last terrible thing alcoholism has to offer,...even death. I died in the Emergency Room. Heart stopped for 45 seconds. They used those electric paddle things to jump start my heart. Now,....as for your situation.....the first thing you need to know is that by picking up and moving to a new home with him was a HUGE mistake. Alcoholics very, very, VERY often think that if they pull up stakes and move far away or to another city or whatever,...that they are leaving all their problems behind with the old house or apartment. What they fail to understand is, that they take THEMSELVES with them to their new home. The alcoholism comes too. You cant run from it. Dont feel bad though. Most people try this method too. I did. Secondly,..............in most cases,...the user has been using far longer than their loved ones think or know about. Most cases far longer than they will admit to. Thirdly,.....any alcoholic will tell you,...you cant make anyone get clean. You cant make anyone stop using. Every single solitary time you make excuses for him,....or accept his bull**** lies,....or look the other way when he screws up,.....you're enabling him to stay a loser. You might as well be opening his beers for him. Or rolling up his joints. You need to pick up you, any kids you have,...your things,...and leave. Get into Al-anon. They are meetings designed to help you understand how to deal with this. This is by NO MEANS your fault. Bottom line is this,.............until you wash your hands of him and his addiction (since he wont do anything about it) he will NOT get help. All drunks will keep abusing booze until they have FINALLY lost the last straw.......everyones "bottom" is different. Some lose homes,...some lose jobs,....some simply are lucky enough to get help just so they wont have hangovers anymore,.....some lose their health,....some kill others in DUI accidents,....or disable THEMSELVES in a DUI accident,.....some do ALL those things,....................all that BEFORE they get help. Its just a matter of much misery is finally enough. You need to be ONE of the things he loses. DONT LET HIM DRAG YOU DOWN WITH HIM. AND NO,....you arent being a selfish bitch by leaving him. Hes being one by drinking and acting the way he does around you and expecting you to "go down with the ship" I hope I helped.

[scarlyjones]

You cant help people,...who wont help themselves

[scarlyjones]

I also wanted to say something that I think may help you understand.

 

I think alot of people stay with boyfriends or girlfriends that they really would rather leave, because they are afraid of going through that intitial "greiving" process of ending a relationship. Its like when your at the beach and you really want to go swimming but you wont. Because getting thru that first few minutes of getting used to the water sucks. ITs too cold. But only for a few minutes. But you still dont want to feel that coldness. In THIS case,....you dont want to go thru that greiving process of heightened sorrow for even the short time it would be. Instead alot of people opt to stay in a "medium" level of sorrow indefinately or forever. That is sad. Sometimes,...you leaving is the ONE thing that gets the drunk to see him for HIM and finally get the help he or she needs.