Trying to leave my husband

[limited]

@bexbounds,

 

You're not alone. I feel guilty too. I hate that I have to go around someone's back. I may not love or even like him anymore, but I do still care about him and his well being. After all, we've been together for 14 years and we have a son together. Two years ago when I tried to end it by kicking him out of our place instead of me moving out, I felt bad I had to do that, but the pattern just grew. I just resented him more and more by staying with him. He may have treated me bad, but I also want him to be happy. I do not love him anymore and he too deserves someone who will love him, so it's best that we depart. I can't imagine being with him any longer, not without slowly dying inside.

 

Another thing I do is I go back and read the journal entries, even forum posts that I've been posting all these years to remind me of the pain and why I must do it. I've been asking strangers for advice for several years now and never took action. I hope to write an divorce aftermath to finally end the marriage story I've been sharing online with strangers.

[BexBounds]

@bexbounds,

 

Another thing I do is I go back and read the journal entries, even forum posts that I've been posting all these years to remind me of the pain and why I must do it. I've been asking strangers for advice for several years now and never took action. I hope to write an divorce aftermath to finally end the marriage story I've been sharing online with strangers.

 

Funnily enough, I've been doing something similar. This is the first time I've ever asked for advice online, but I have been reading over the letters that my husband has written to me each time we've ended up in a crisis point in our marriage. Luckily I've added dates to them, because they all say pretty much the same thing: how selfish he's been, how sorry he is, how things are going to change now that he's realised the error of his ways etc. It makes me so angry that I'm feeling so sad, and yet I've really tried to make my needs clear.

 

Please can I ask, just because I need to hear from someone impartial, if I'm expecting too much from my marriage. I basically need the following:

- to spend time with my husband talking about things other than his work,

- to share our hopes and dreams for the future,

- to go out occasionally, to movies or to the beach (we have done this 2 or 3 times this year),

- to have sex once in a while (it's been only a few times this year),

- to feel like my husband adores me. He says "Love you" to me often - every time we speak on the phone, and every time we kiss good bye - but it's not the "look into your eyes, and say it like you mean it" kind of I love you. Also, the kissing isn't what it sounds like. It is just a normal kiss on the lips, no passionate kissing (and oh how I love passionate kissing!)

 

That's basically what I'm asking for. Am I being unrealistic? And yes, I've told him all these things many times!

[2.50 a gallon]

BB

 

 

Your story has a all too familiar ring to it. Too many times I have seen the H show up on LS and say she warned me and now it is too late, how can I win her back?

 

 

In fact my best friend in college, I was best man at their wedding, so I know the love she had for him in the beginning was immense. They both had careers, she put hers on the back burner when their two boys arrived. But he wanted the world and worked his tail off, on the way to becoming a millionaire. But shortly after the boys were born I know she began to tell him that, just as you, she needed him to spend more time with her and the kids. We later lost touch, when they moved out of state to further his career.

A decade later when reconnected, he was distraught as when the kids moved out she said she was finished. He had reached his goal and she got half. It has been another decade, he has moved on but still wonders what happened. After all he took her around the world, Bahamas, Hawaii, Australia, etc, but it was all for his fishing and golfing

[BexBounds]

Just a quick update. Things have moved a little quicker than I had expected, as my husband actually approached me on Saturday to ask if something was wrong. I was shocked, to say the least, as this is the first time in our 27 years together that he has been the one to broach the subject.

 

I told him that I am very unhappy, and that I had planned to tell him after the festive season that I am leaving. He was shocked that I had made this decision and said that he had noticed that I have been unhappy for the last "few weeks" but didn't want to say anything because he thought I was still angry that I'd found out he had smoked again (after being on death's door in August, but that's another story).

 

So far his reactions have been far more controlled than on previous occasions, but that may be because he still feels he can change my mind. I have not yet told him that I have already organised a place to move to (I'm not sure why), but will tell him tomorrow that I have found somewhere.

 

I saw my psychologist today and she has reinforced the need for me to consider myself and my needs this time around, and not allow myself to put his needs before mine as I have done so many times before.

 

It's hard, but I'm trying to see the big picture, and to look forward to a brighter future. Still feeling crappy though.

[Mr. Lucky]

I saw my psychologist today and she has reinforced the need for me to consider myself and my needs this time around, and not allow myself to put his needs before mine as I have done so many times before.

 

It's hard, but I'm trying to see the big picture, and to look forward to a brighter future. Still feeling crappy though.

 

Don't rule out that the future might include him, you never know. Sometimes your leaving is the wake-up call that finally gets through.

 

Regardless, your psychologist's advice makes sense. You can't be much good to anyone unless you're in a place that works for you. Good luck in getting there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Stuck75]

BB- I am sorry for what you are going through. My situation is similar but aside from the lack of connection- there have been some pretty big life crises in the past that have led to distrust and resentments. One would think that would make it easier to leave- but it doesn't. Also, my children are still young (and boys) which just seems to add a layer of loneliness and alienation for me. However, our husbands sound a little alike in that- they just don't seem to grasp that we long to have a deeper connection with them. Maybe it's a theme because I've seen it on here a lot- unhappy wife leaves husband, husband shocked and confused (or some variation). Anyway, I really don't have advice for you, just wanted to send my support. Good luck to you!

[BexBounds]

Sorry, have been unable to log in due to not having internet at my new home. That's right, I did it!! I moved into a very simple but safe little cottage with my younger daughter about 9 days ago.

 

I am going through the rollercoaster of emotions right now - guilt once again raises its ugly head, but of course it is accompanied by sadness and anger.

 

On the night before I moved out, my husband became very calm and accepting of the situation (so much so that I have my suspicions that he is being advised by someone on a website like this one!) and we have not had any contact since then. On that night, we were able to sit and talk and communicate and look each other in the eye, like we should have been doing all along. It was very touching, but it made me angry too, because that is what I've been wanting all along, and yet it seems that it is only when the chips are down that my husband is able to do this.

 

Now, he has called me today and said he'd like to chat - not to put pressure on me, but because he knows that next week when our schools open my life will be very busy (this is true). I have agreed, and have also agreed (against my better judgement, but because it seemed like a reasonable thing to do) for him to come to my place. Whether or not I will regret that decision, only time will tell.

 

Not sure how I'm feeling right now - I think I've decided that I want to file for divorce, but it seems like a short time to make such a huge decision. I will see how tonight goes, and try not to get caught up in the "empathy trap" that I seem to be so vulnerable to.

 

Please think of me!

[CarrieT]

Proud of you, Bex.

 

There is a huge support group here for as much or as little as you need. Come back often and let us know how you are doing!

[Majormisstep]

Bex, my situation was very similar to yours, M for 23 years, though we never did have a connection, conversation, enjoyed each other's company or had a wild, heck even a mediocre, physical attraction. In fact he used to fall asleep during s*x but I stayed with him anyway! We married because all of our friends were doing it so we should too.

 

Fast forward a number of years, the kids came along and they were his reason to live. I was the cook, house cleaner, disciplinary, helped with homework, worked full time etc. while he did all the "fun" things with the kids. Not to mention getting thrown under the bus by him (don't listen to that mean mommy) which created a wedge between me and my kids.

 

After years of me begging and pleading, threatening D, counselling, promises from him to change etc...nothing did. I eventually found my own hobbies that revolved around the kids (and some on my own with friends), H grew resentful and therein was the groundwork for a split.

 

So we did. At first it was so hard. I was overcome with guilt - how could I split up this perfect family? But a year into this now, it's not scary anymore. I don't feel as guilty. H has made no effort to reconcile and I think that was the hardest part (besides putting my kids through this), but I'm working through those emotions and have a feeling everything will be ok.

 

I'm here for you if you need to talk

[PegNosePete]

Now, he has called me today and said he'd like to chat

What does he want to "chat" about?

 

I would not meet him, unless there is a specific topic that needs to be discussed.

[clevelander321]

We have been married for 24 years and have two daughters who are now young adults. Our younger daughter still lives with us as she is studying. Our younger daughter studies away from home, but still visits regularly.

 

I have asked my husband for a divorce several times over the last fourteen years. Each time I do, he gets really upset - devastated, in fact - and we go through all kinds of drama as he tries (and succeeds) getting me to change my mind and try again to make our marriage better.

 

The problem is that we just seem to have lost any connection we used to have. I can't say that our marriage has ever been amazing, but I guess I just accepted the good and overlooked the bad.

 

We very seldom do anything alone together - not even simple things like going for a walk. And the thing that I crave the very most - conversation - is almost non-existent.

 

Our routine is the same every day. I get home from work and start cooking supper. Husband comes home and puts on the TV, opens up his laptop and waits for supper to be ready. (He does occasionally help in the kitchen.) We eat supper in front of the TV. After supper I tidy the kitchen, pack lunches for the following day etc. Hubby is back on the laptop, sharing things with me on Facebook! I may go on FB for a while, but usually end up going to bed. Husband comes to be so late that I don't even hear him unless he snores. In the morning, I get up, make breakfast and get ready for work. Hubby is usually still asleep when I leave (he starts later than me), so I say good bye and off I go. Repeat. The only conversation we have is about what was on FB or on TV.

 

The problem is that if I say I'm not happy, we'll make all these plans to change things but we never stick to them. I've arranged for us to see three different psychologists together over the years, and he always says that he loves me and wants the marriage to work, but it never does. And it always seems to be me who is unhappy. Surely he is not happy in this existence? Surely he also wants more out of life?

 

A year ago when I tried to leave, he begged and pleaded and promised that things would be different for two months until I finally agreed to give it one more go. The frustrating thing is that the turning point then was that we spent a whole day alone together just talking, and yet he can't make the effort to talk to me now.

 

We have had sex probably 3 times this year. Other than that, we don't even kiss properly any more - it's just a peck hello and good bye. Even when he hugs me, he often only uses one arm - what's that about?

 

I'm convinced that he doesn't love me like he used to but is terrified of the consequences of admitting it and terrified of change.

 

I'm seeing my psychologist (again!) next week, but in the meantime I just needed to vent, and to ask what other people who have been through something similar think about my situation.

 

I feel so lonely and confused, and I just don't know what to do. The thought of telling him again that I want a divorce is so overwhelming because I know he's going to pull that whole drama thing again and I don't know if I can deal with that.

 

Well, he sounds like a regular good husband..

 

Yes, people have a routine.. Come home, eat, check email etc.. Seems normal.. If you were single you would have a routine after 24 years and it would probably be similar.

 

What kind of things do you miss talking about? Are you a voracious reader? Passionate about certain causes?

 

Who are you talking to now that you live alone?

 

I think it would be only fair at this point to let him go and find someone who is happy with him.. He might be sick of the constant divorce talk over the years anyway, especially seeing nothing stands out that he ever did wrong.

 

I feel it is sad that he devoted his life to a woman and family just to be left at the end for not being exciting enough. What ever happened to growing old together and taking care of each other?

 

Assuming you have not met or talked to any other man, do you think you will find some guy now who loves you, is normal, is very passionate,single, and wants to settle down with you? And he will have some different and exciting routing everyday as he approaches 60?

Edited January 15, 2015 by clevelander321

[BexBounds]

Clevelander, I would agree with your sentiments, except that I know that I'm not being unreasonable because my husband himself admits that he has been neglectful and uncommunicative. He has in fact sought help in trying to break out of the "shell" that he seems to retreat to unless he is constantly reminded that he needs to communicate with the people that he loves.

 

I also know that I am not being unreasonable because our two daughters have all but given up on having any kind of relationship with their father, because their efforts to do so in the past have had no effect.

 

I have also put in huge, ongoing efforts to try to engage with him on some sort of level. I do not have the stamina to sustain something like that. I thought that he may be depressed, and suggested that he see a doctor. He did, and the doctor confirmed that he did present with symptoms of depression, and prescribed an anti-depressant. H took the medication for a while, and it helped, but then he stopped because he felt they were making him sleepy. That is just one example of how I have tried to make our relationship work.

 

And, to be honest, when I sit alone in my little cottage, at least I have the consolation that although I am alone, it is not because I am with someone who is ignoring my presence, choosing rather to stare at a computer screen than to have a normal conversation with his wife - not about anything specific, just to feel that someone is interested in you as a human being.

 

Also, I have tried to leave him on several occasions, suggesting that perhaps I am not the person who lights his fire, but he will not hear of it!

 

I've also devoted my life to providing for and raising our children - I can't see my way clear to spending my twilight years in an armchair next to a man who has no interest in me unless I want to leave.

 

PegNosePete - I did meet with him. The topic of discussion was that he wanted to fill me in on all the things he has done over the past 9 days that are proof that he is changing his life. Also, he wanted to ask that we see each other regularly, in order that I be able to see the changes that he is going to be making to his life. He was horrified when I said that I'd be quite happy to meet up somewhere, for coffee say, on a bi-weekly basis. I explained that the reason I moved out was for space to clear my head and decide what I want from my life. He is adamant that unless we stay in touch, I can't see how he will change.

 

I have tried to explain that any changes that he makes need to be of himself, FOR HIMSELF, and not for me or anyone else.

 

He has put effort into spending time with our daughters, and told me that he had the most wonderful talk with our elder daughter for almost four hours, and admitted that it is the longest he has spoken to her in her life.

 

It was a very emotional evening. It is sad for me because I see that he is gong through all the familiar routines that are aimed at "winning me back" (dressing up to come and visit, bringing flowers, going back to the psychologist, listing the ways that things are going to change). It's sad because I have believed the promises of a more intimate relationship so many times, and I just don't think I have the energy to commit again, and allow him to hurt me yet again.

 

Major Misstep and CarrieT - thanks!!

[towardthefuture]

Clevelander, I would agree with your sentiments, except that I know that I'm not being unreasonable because my husband himself admits that he has been neglectful and uncommunicative. He has in fact sought help in trying to break out of the "shell" that he seems to retreat to unless he is constantly reminded that he needs to communicate with the people that he loves.

 

I also know that I am not being unreasonable because our two daughters have all but given up on having any kind of relationship with their father, because their efforts to do so in the past have had no effect.

 

I have also put in huge, ongoing efforts to try to engage with him on some sort of level. I do not have the stamina to sustain something like that. I thought that he may be depressed, and suggested that he see a doctor. He did, and the doctor confirmed that he did present with symptoms of depression, and prescribed an anti-depressant. H took the medication for a while, and it helped, but then he stopped because he felt they were making him sleepy. That is just one example of how I have tried to make our relationship work.

 

And, to be honest, when I sit alone in my little cottage, at least I have the consolation that although I am alone, it is not because I am with someone who is ignoring my presence, choosing rather to stare at a computer screen than to have a normal conversation with his wife - not about anything specific, just to feel that someone is interested in you as a human being.

 

Also, I have tried to leave him on several occasions, suggesting that perhaps I am not the person who lights his fire, but he will not hear of it!

 

I've also devoted my life to providing for and raising our children - I can't see my way clear to spending my twilight years in an armchair next to a man who has no interest in me unless I want to leave.

 

PegNosePete - I did meet with him. The topic of discussion was that he wanted to fill me in on all the things he has done over the past 9 days that are proof that he is changing his life. Also, he wanted to ask that we see each other regularly, in order that I be able to see the changes that he is going to be making to his life. He was horrified when I said that I'd be quite happy to meet up somewhere, for coffee say, on a bi-weekly basis. I explained that the reason I moved out was for space to clear my head and decide what I want from my life. He is adamant that unless we stay in touch, I can't see how he will change.

 

I have tried to explain that any changes that he makes need to be of himself, FOR HIMSELF, and not for me or anyone else.

 

He has put effort into spending time with our daughters, and told me that he had the most wonderful talk with our elder daughter for almost four hours, and admitted that it is the longest he has spoken to her in her life.

 

It was a very emotional evening. It is sad for me because I see that he is gong through all the familiar routines that are aimed at "winning me back" (dressing up to come and visit, bringing flowers, going back to the psychologist, listing the ways that things are going to change). It's sad because I have believed the promises of a more intimate relationship so many times, and I just don't think I have the energy to commit again, and allow him to hurt me yet again.

 

Major Misstep and CarrieT - thanks!!

 

I wish my ex had given me the chances you're giving this guy. Ongoing communication to show you he changed? I would have cut off my foot for such an opportunity. Instead she emotionally checked out, cheated on me and left me for the other dude.

[BexBounds]

Towardthefuture - in a funny kind of way, the fact that there has been no infidelity has made it more difficult, not as "cut and dried". The fact that I have stuck it out for so long is seen as proof that I love him too much to leave. The fact that I have not yet filed for divorce is also seen in that way.

 

I am finding it really hard to do what I need to do for myself because of how awful it will make him feel. But then again, maybe Clevelander has a point and I should just get it over with so that we can all move on with our lives.

 

:(

[oldshirt]

I am kind of a believer in the 'all-in or all-out' principle. What that means is don't half-ass anything. If you want to reconcile and work things out and have a happy, healthy marriage then devote your full energies to that and leave no stone unturned and no avenue untraveled.

 

But if you are wanting to severe the ties and start a new life then cut the cord and devote your energies to moving on with your life and starting anew.

 

In your case here, I think it boils down to what is your true motive and objective in separating and getting a new place?

 

Was it to get out of a marriage and lifestyle that was incompatible for you and start a new life?

 

Or was it to shock-start your husband and get his attention and show him you are seriously dissatisfied and that he really needs to change and step up to the plate?

 

What is your true objective in separating?????

 

If your true objective is disengage cleanly and move on with a new life, the meeting with him will hamper your efforts to move on and will prolong his pain and torment and will only make him waste time and energy looking like a dancing monkey trying to win you back.

 

If that is the case then any kind of planned meetings is a bad idea and the only communications should be something dealing with kids or some kind of emergency or something of non personal significance.

 

And if your ultimate goal is reconciliation, then you need to get into actual professional therapy and work with the therapist on when to reintroduce 'dating' and develop timelines and objectives to reach before attempting any kind of reintroduction.

 

Either way, agreeing to any kind of scheduled meetings with him off the cuff like this is a bad idea.

[PegNosePete]

It is sad for me because I see that he is gong through all the familiar routines that are aimed at "winning me back"

So that is why he wanted to meet. To spin his same old, same old tale of woe and to convince you to take him back yet again. Yawn.

 

That is why you shouldn't have bothered meeting up with him. You need to make up your mind and stick to it. If you want to get out of the marriage then such a meeting can do no good for you whatsoever.

[jakrbbt]

I think he misses you, is hurting, and you're the person he thinks of when he's hurting and has a problem or loneliness. That's likely true even if it's a bad relationship. It's likely true even if he's manipulative or otherwise psychologically problematic. Unless he's a robot, he's likely to be confused at the very least that his mate is gone and there's this big change in his personal life. Again, even if he never stepped up in the marriage and could never "turn around' and participate in the way you'd need. And even if he's mad at you. Just because a thing had to end, doesn't mean the ending is painless.

 

All this means that, if you do see him, it'll be wise to keep an objective perspective of compassion. He's doing this for him, not you. And that's not bad, it's human. But you also have identified you needs, and if you go back on those, then you'll be in a mess that will be good for no one.

 

And if you do meet with him, specifically schedule a hot bubble bath with white wine (or similar) and a long sleep for afterwards. You'll be tired, and you'll owe yourself a rest. This meeting will be exhausting. Keep that in mind, and you will not try too hard to reap immediate "benefits" from the meeting while you're in the middle of it.

 

Let us know how it goes.