She walked out one me after 10 years!

[Ganz7]

Two months ago my GF of 10 years walked out on me. On a Saturday night she asked if we were going to have a good time, visited my mum cooked our evening meal, went to bed and yes we had a little argument about her staying round her friends over night on the Friday. Woke up Sunday and she said she decided that was it, she was leaving!! I was in shock, she didn't answer any of my txts on Sunday. Pleaded with her on Sunday night to stay. She told me not to do this to myself.. gasp! Ask her Monday morning as I was going to work whether she would be in when I came back and she said yes. Came back after work and saw her suitcase gone!

 

She left everything behind, her clothes, toiletries laundry. Said she had moved to a friends flat whilst her friend was staying at a bf's house. I even managed to meet her for a coffee a week later so that she could hand me back her copy of the keys to my apartment. She was all smiles and formal. It hurt like hell seeing her there across the table but knowing this was a different person. How could she be so cold.. The memories of ten years.. did they not account for anything.. We left and then she said when she gets a job she will buy the next round of coffees in the future.

 

A good friend asked why she would move out of one apartment into another one, that didn't make sense. Also when I told him that she was staying overnight at a female friend's house for the last few Fridays he suspected she might be seeing another guy. I asked her that but she would always say "don't be silly". Eventually one of her friends broke the wall of silence and said that I needed to move on and read between the lines. I explained that moving on was not that simple as we had been together for 10 years! When I asked about whether there was another guy her friend said it didn't happen overnight. Anyway, I checked out her fb page and sure enough there she is with her new guy on her profile pic!! I was devastated to see that. I also checked out his page and there she was with him again! I don't know this guy at all. Anyway, the following week I actually bumped into them; what were the odds on that. Her face dropped when she saw me! As we walked by she turned the other cheek! After 10 years she at least owed me a breakup with integrity. There has been no contact to explain or come clean either. I have not contacted her at all.

 

So it seems she had walked out on me and into the new relationship. I found out it had been going on for 7 months whilst she was with me. I can't believe she lied and deceived me. I'm at an all time low in my life. It's been 2 months but it still hurts. I've never been this devastated in my life. Worse thing is I still have feelings for her. I'm trying to hang in there!

[anika99]

As soon as I read your first paragraph I suspected that she had another man. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Of course it hurts and it will hurt for a while to come. It sucks but you will get through it and come out a stronger wiser person.

 

 

You probably wonder how your ex could so easily and happily walk out of 10 year relationship. Realize that right now she is caught up in the fantasy of her new relationship. She is riding a romance high right now but that will soon crash and burn. It may take many months or even more but at some point she is going to see that her new bf is not perfect and is not going to fix her life. Then she will likely feel the pain and regret of what she has done. If at that point she tries to come back to you, don't let her. She needs to take responsibility for herself, her choices and her actions, not bounce back and forth between men. You need to heal and then find a woman worthy of you. take care..

[Ganz7]

As soon as I read your first paragraph I suspected that she had another man. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Of course it hurts and it will hurt for a while to come. It sucks but you will get through it and come out a stronger wiser person.

 

 

You probably wonder how your ex could so easily and happily walk out of 10 year relationship. Realize that right now she is caught up in the fantasy of her new relationship. She is riding a romance high right now but that will soon crash and burn. It may take many months or even more but at some point she is going to see that her new bf is not perfect and is not going to fix her life. Then she will likely feel the pain and regret of what she has done. If at that point she tries to come back to you, don't let her. She needs to take responsibility for herself, her choices and her actions, not bounce back and forth between men. You need to heal and then find a woman worthy of you. take care..

 

Anika

 

Thanks you very much for your reply. It was really comforting and refreshing to read your take on it. You're right it really sucks and I was completely totalled when she left. It's amazing that you sussed it out in the first paragrapgh that she was seeing someone. I had no reason to be suspicious because I trusted her with my life.

 

Your supposition on how she could leave a 10yr relationship was, to use a uk expression, 'bang on'. It was so clear! I totally see that now.. That explains her beamfully joyous expresion when I encountered them in the city centre street a couple of weeks ago. That was the expression she had until she saw me crossing the road!

 

I think you are absolutely right in saying that she is riding that high of the new romance. It's not reality though, it doesn't last forever and sooner or later couples have to get to the nitty gritty of making a living and day to day life. I really like your observations that she needs to take responsibilty for herself, her choices and her actions and not just jump ship. The leaving speech she gave me sounded so honourable: that she was leaving was for the best, that she was doing it for the both of us etc. when in fact she had been seeing someone else. Had she left and found her own apartment and made her own happiness and way in life I would have been in full admiration and respect of her.

 

I suspect that she hasn't closed the door completely because she may want to use me at some point again. As much as my heart aches I will definitely close the door on her if at some future point she wanted to come back in some way. I couldn't never trust her again after the betrayal and in some ways she used me too. I need to know that the person i'm with is going to be with me through thick and thin: a soulmate I can rely on. I thought she was my soulmate. Love is blind as they say...!?

 

Thanks Anika for your astute observations. I feel a lot better now.

Edited November 29, 2014 by Ganz7

[preraph]

Sorry you got "overlapped" on. I dislike people who do that. If they want to leave you, they should want to do it bad enough to leave you without replacing you first. There seem to be a lot of people who do that though. So sorry. It's not fair, but take the high road and remember that living well is the best revenge, so make a point of being social and doing things you enjoy and trying not to let this slow you down any longer than necessary. Good luck.

[writergal]

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you! I can't believe she threw away 10 years with you by starting another relationship shortly before she broke up with you. Some people are born without the ability to empathize, and have no qualms treating people coldly. This breakup is a blessing in disguise. Hard to see the silver lining now, but it's there.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is take a proactive, mindful approach to this situation. Don't let your emotional responses control your actions. I know this will sound new agey (which I'm not), but the more you focus on moving forward and healing with your life and not dwelling on the present or the past 10 years, the better you will feel.

 

Like preraph said, living well is the best revenge. Spend time with your friends, take up hobbies, busy yourself with work and try to be mindful instead of reactive when waves of emotion come over you, as they do in these breakup situations. It's easier said than done. I'm still trying to get it right. But it does work.

[StalwartMind]

Indeed sorry to hear you being the victim of another person's lack of compassion and empathy. Like writergal said, it's a blessing in disguise, and while you could argue it would of been better to discover this character flaw in your partner years ago, life tend to not work out like that. Also some people go through drastic changes as they age and realize, while unfortunate, that they no longer find their current partner sufficient for whatever reason.

 

No matter what it truly is a heinous act to start a new life behind your partners back without so much as the decency to break up first. On the bright side of things, you've been gifted with the chance of an entire new life, which you can shape any way you desire, when the time is right.

 

While a seed of doubt may have been planted in your head, and perhaps will always make you a bit skeptical of others, take heart in knowing that there are both men and women whom agrees with you, like the other people whom have responded to the thread so far. I always commend good behavior and attitudes in others, even if we in reality are not "owed" anything. Unfortunately some people feel it is entirely correct to discard others whenever they've found an upgrade that satisfy their current desires. I and others are of the opinion it's much more valuable to keep nurturing a relationship or friendship to see how far you can make it grow.

 

Something much more beautiful awaits you out there, even if you have no idea what or where it currently is. Take pleasure in going on that journey and do not let the seed of doubt she planted in your mind, ruin your own desires.

 

Best of luck to you!

[AffairsRBad]

Sorry to hear this piece of shocking news. I do wonder what kind of events do you expect to happen that you are only dating a girl after 10 years, but that's not really the point.

 

What I have noticed from others' experiences is that the vast majority of people out there simply do not have the integrity to really be decent human beings. Girls especially seem to struggle with the idea that if they break up with you it will hurt you so instead allow themselves to fall out of love. The worst part of all that is they are so wrong and myself and many guys would rather have the girl break up with them very clearly and cleanly rather than this exit strategy cycle, where they allow themselves to fall out of love while simultaneously exploring for new partners/lovers.

 

Personally, I blame parents and society for this attitude these people have. As a parent myself, I know I am going to emphasize that honesty and the truth, even if it is unpleasant, is better than lies or white lies. If someone falls out of love or decides to break up, that's understandable. Everyone has the right to find their own happiness in life. All I ask is be direct about it, because then at least I can have respect for your integrity. This whole "white lies" of staying around in one relationship while having the other foot out the door is BS and in the end speaks volumes to what kind of person they are. I hope you realize that you are better off without someone like that.

[Ganz7]

Sorry you got "overlapped" on. I dislike people who do that. If they want to leave you, they should want to do it bad enough to leave you without replacing you first. There seem to be a lot of people who do that though. So sorry. It's not fair, but take the high road and remember that living well is the best revenge, so make a point of being social and doing things you enjoy and trying not to let this slow you down any longer than necessary. Good luck.

 

Hi Peraph.

 

I'd never even heard of being "overlapped". I feel a complete newb to this sort of thing. Thanks for your supporting words though. For a few weeks I was really struggling to just concentrate on my full time job. I even took two days off to sort my head out and I haven't taken a day off work for years. I'm trying to make a list of things that make me genuinely happy and trying to do that as much as possible. It's the night time and the weekend that's the toughest part. With Christmas coming up I'll be spending time with my family and freinds. I'm guessing it will probably take at least a year to get over it or at least put it behind me. Easier said than done though I'm going to have to be happy with myself. I've got some great friends as well.

[Ganz7]

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you! I can't believe she threw away 10 years with you by starting another relationship shortly before she broke up with you. Some people are born without the ability to empathize, and have no qualms treating people coldly. This breakup is a blessing in disguise. Hard to see the silver lining now, but it's there.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is take a proactive, mindful approach to this situation. Don't let your emotional responses control your actions. I know this will sound new agey (which I'm not), but the more you focus on moving forward and healing with your life and not dwelling on the present or the past 10 years, the better you will feel.

 

Like preraph said, living well is the best revenge. Spend time with your friends, take up hobbies, busy yourself with work and try to be mindful instead of reactive when waves of emotion come over you, as they do in these breakup situations. It's easier said than done. I'm still trying to get it right. But it does work.

 

Hi Writergal

 

Yes, yes.. you struck a chord in me when you said you couldn't believe she threw away ten years! To me it's just mind boggling. I can't get my head around that one at all.

 

We had one break up in the past. That was maybe 8 yrs ago when we were going to split and she broke down and said she wouldn't be able to live without me etc.. it broke my heart to see her like that. I knew I could never leave her because if I did I would not be able to live with myself knowing that I broke her heart in that way. I was hoping for much the same when she saw how devasted I was.. hoping she would have a heart. But no. Instead, she told me not to do this to myself . I must admit I cut a pathetic figure and pleaded with her to stay. Even on the Monday morning I left her a note asking for 2 more months. After all she was only going to stay at her friend's apartment or so I thought. In her reply to my written request she said we had some great laughs over the ten years but that she should expect me to respect her decision for me not to get in touch with her.

 

I know I should move on and not keep talking about it. I know I wasn't perfect in the relationship but it takes two to tango. It's probably raw. I'll be glad when 2014 is over. I like your advice about not letting emotional responses control my actions. I'm working on that one as well as not dwelling on the past which I know I'm doing here. I'm getting there.

[Ganz7]

Indeed sorry to hear you being the victim of another person's lack of compassion and empathy. Like writergal said, it's a blessing in disguise, and while you could argue it would of been better to discover this character flaw in your partner years ago, life tend to not work out like that. Also some people go through drastic changes as they age and realize, while unfortunate, that they no longer find their current partner sufficient for whatever reason.

 

No matter what it truly is a heinous act to start a new life behind your partners back without so much as the decency to break up first. On the bright side of things, you've been gifted with the chance of an entire new life, which you can shape any way you desire, when the time is right.

 

While a seed of doubt may have been planted in your head, and perhaps will always make you a bit skeptical of others, take heart in knowing that there are both men and women whom agrees with you, like the other people whom have responded to the thread so far. I always commend good behavior and attitudes in others, even if we in reality are not "owed" anything. Unfortunately some people feel it is entirely correct to discard others whenever they've found an upgrade that satisfy their current desires. I and others are of the opinion it's much more valuable to keep nurturing a relationship or friendship to see how far you can make it grow.

 

Something much more beautiful awaits you out there, even if you have no idea what or where it currently is. Take pleasure in going on that journey and do not let the seed of doubt she planted in your mind, ruin your own desires.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

Thanks Stalwart for your kind words of wisdom. I agree with you in nurturing a relationship rather than upgrading it. She said the opposite in that the 10 years didn't mean that we should stay another ten years or a second longer. I thought I knew this person but the stuff she came out with. It was as cold as ice. I empathise with what you said about spotting her character flaws earlier. If I had I would have probably met someone else now and got married. I kind of did spot some of her chacrater flaws early on and that's maybe why we never committed. We also had lots of dramatic break ups which is no fun and unhealthy. If we had got married and had kids the bust ups would have been probably much worse so Writergal is right when she says it is a blessing in disguise. If only I could erase all the memories though it would be easier.

 

To be frank I would not want anything to do with a person who lived a double life behind my back. I even took her on holiday three times whilst she was seeing this guy. I had some bad luck but now it's passed on to the new guy.

 

I sure hope you are right about something better out there for me. I need to feel there's hope again.

 

Thanks buddy!

Edited December 2, 2014 by Ganz7

[Ganz7]

Sorry to hear this piece of shocking news. I do wonder what kind of events do you expect to happen that you are only dating a girl after 10 years, but that's not really the point.

 

What I have noticed from others' experiences is that the vast majority of people out there simply do not have the integrity to really be decent human beings. Girls especially seem to struggle with the idea that if they break up with you it will hurt you so instead allow themselves to fall out of love. The worst part of all that is they are so wrong and myself and many guys would rather have the girl break up with them very clearly and cleanly rather than this exit strategy cycle, where they allow themselves to fall out of love while simultaneously exploring for new partners/lovers.

 

Personally, I blame parents and society for this attitude these people have. As a parent myself, I know I am going to emphasize that honesty and the truth, even if it is unpleasant, is better than lies or white lies. If someone falls out of love or decides to break up, that's understandable. Everyone has the right to find their own happiness in life. All I ask is be direct about it, because then at least I can have respect for your integrity. This whole "white lies" of staying around in one relationship while having the other foot out the door is BS and in the end speaks volumes to what kind of person they are. I hope you realize that you are better off without someone like that.

 

HI Affiarsarebad

 

Yes, I have regrets that I maybe should have committed but at the time I had secured a really well paid salaried job and she was insisting that I get married; she had little jobs in the tens years I was with her. She had a degree and a Masters degree was healthy yet could not find work. She rarely got out of bed before midday and when she was at work would take days off sick whilst I went to work come rain or shine or illness. It was also hinted that I leave my job and go abroad to live with her in Greece. I was under pressure that time stands still for no one. Looking back I am so glad I did not sucumb to such a crazy idea. With no job she would have dumped me anyway. Her parents are so nice though and her brother. I don't know where she gets her character from. These were the reasons I never committed. I just didn't see the drive. Whilst I was up at 7am at the weekend she was in bed till midday. Yet for some reason we had decided to stay together. Although I kept pressin for marraige later she didn't seem keen and I thought we would just end up as a childless couple which in itself would have disapointed me but I have friends who are like this and they are happy.

 

You know, the more I look back the more depressing the whole thing. However, I cannot forgive or forget that she lied to me. She was even doing this when my mum was in hospital this year. I stayed to be at my mum's side and she said she was going to stay overnight at Karolina's flat, and have a girl's night in. The Karolina was the new guy. I kind of want to get even. I have photos of the fake wedding she persuaded me to take part in to lie to her work colleagues that we had got married!!! Why she wanted to do this I'll never know. She got me to burn some DVDs with the photographs. I thought it was insane at the time but went with it because she would have broke my balls had I refused. She even went as far with the charade in buying some rings. At the time I remember thinking why wasn't she putting this much effort in finding a job or making our relationship better. She lied to work colleagues to her friends, to me and probably to the new guy.

 

Looking back I'll think phew! that was a close call.

[preraph]

Hi Peraph.

 

I'd never even heard of being "overlapped". I feel a complete newb to this sort of thing. Thanks for your supporting words though. For a few weeks I was really struggling to just concentrate on my full time job. I even took two days off to sort my head out and I haven't taken a day off work for years. I'm trying to make a list of things that make me genuinely happy and trying to do that as much as possible. It's the night time and the weekend that's the toughest part. With Christmas coming up I'll be spending time with my family and freinds. I'm guessing it will probably take at least a year to get over it or at least put it behind me. Easier said than done though I'm going to have to be happy with myself. I've got some great friends as well.

 

Yes, it can take time. Oh, overlapped is how lots of people find someone new before terminating their other relationship. It's a bit different than cheating but is still cheating in that sometimes it's for some financial reason, like they're living with a guy and are afraid to be on their own, so they overlap. I think it's low.

 

Well, do stay busy, and yes it always takes time to heal. Just don't let yourself stop doing things. You need to not let yourself dwell on it in that way, but of course you will have to process it. If you have trouble sleeping at night for it, devote two minutes right before or after you get in bed to consciously thinking about the situation and whether there is/was anything you can do about it or anything you missed. Ask yourself if there's anything you can or would do to change it. If so, do it. If not, there is no point worrying about it. So then make a little prayer to yourself that you are doing the best you can and that now you want to heal. It's just sort of an affirmation to keep you focused on healing and getting past the helplessness of it. Some things are just beyond our control, but realizing that sometimes takes a load off our minds. And always remember it wasn't meant to be or she wouldn't have flaked. You might have known a long time ago it wasn't meant to be if she'd been honest and up front, but she must have put on a front and kept some things secret about herself. If you knew she was like this or that her level of feeling wasn't as deep or she didn't have much loyalty or ethics, I doubt you'd have fallen for her. And now you know who she is.

[spanz1]

HI Affiarsarebad

 

Yes, I have regrets that I maybe should have committed but at the time I had secured a really well paid salaried job and she was insisting that I get married; she had little jobs in the tens years I was with her. She had a degree and a Masters degree was healthy yet could not find work. She rarely got out of bed before midday and when she was at work would take days off sick whilst I went to work come rain or shine or illness. It was also hinted that I leave my job and go abroad to live with her in Greece. I was under pressure that time stands still for no one. Looking back I am so glad I did not sucumb to such a crazy idea. With no job she would have dumped me anyway. Her parents are so nice though and her brother. I don't know where she gets her character from. These were the reasons I never committed. I just didn't see the drive. Whilst I was up at 7am at the weekend she was in bed till midday. Yet for some reason we had decided to stay together. Although I kept pressin for marraige later she didn't seem keen and I thought we would just end up as a childless couple which in itself would have disapointed me but I have friends who are like this and they are happy .

 

 

that is good to know. I too was wondering why you were not married after maybe 3 years of that...but now I see why--there was a nagging suspicion on your part that you were not compatible.

 

 

So...time to move on I guess. And try to really find a more compatible woman next time. At the least it sounds like you need a hard worker, with some ambition, and less tendency to do spur of the moment life choices. they are out there!

 

 

take a few months off from dating....get in shape, do a little traveling, get your mind right. Then dive back in.

[Ganz7]

Yes, it can take time. Oh, overlapped is how lots of people find someone new before terminating their other relationship. It's a bit different than cheating but is still cheating in that sometimes it's for some financial reason, like they're living with a guy and are afraid to be on their own, so they overlap. I think it's low.

 

Well, do stay busy, and yes it always takes time to heal. Just don't let yourself stop doing things. You need to not let yourself dwell on it in that way, but of course you will have to process it. If you have trouble sleeping at night for it, devote two minutes right before or after you get in bed to consciously thinking about the situation and whether there is/was anything you can do about it or anything you missed. Ask yourself if there's anything you can or would do to change it. If so, do it. If not, there is no point worrying about it. So then make a little prayer to yourself that you are doing the best you can and that now you want to heal. It's just sort of an affirmation to keep you focused on healing and getting past the helplessness of it. Some things are just beyond our control, but realizing that sometimes takes a load off our minds. And always remember it wasn't meant to be or she wouldn't have flaked. You might have known a long time ago it wasn't meant to be if she'd been honest and up front, but she must have put on a front and kept some things secret about herself. If you knew she was like this or that her level of feeling wasn't as deep or she didn't have much loyalty or ethics, I doubt you'd have fallen for her. And now you know who she is.

 

Preraph

 

Thanks very much for your reply. I took solace in your observation that it wasn't meant to be. The other point you picked up on which I am only now begining to realise was that she was keeping things secret from me for maybe the last 2 years judging by the pics I found of her. She was on a dating site a couple of years ago!! I had my head in the sand believing she had a dating site page to get attention. Maybe I didn't give her the attention she wanted and that's a regret. I was arrogant to think she would be with me forever and became complacent. She had even warned me of this complaceny though being overlapped was something I never thought possible from her and neither did any of my family or friends.

 

Yes, I have regrets about what I should have done but everyday I continue to go NC I begin to think of all the bad arguments we had* in the past. I don't know why we stuck together so long.. with the work load i kind of lived day to day and weekend to weekend. She was leading this double life whilst I was drifting. I regret working so hard in my job to the extent where i put my personal life on the back seat. I make time for myself at work now. Getting results at work cost me.

 

Preraph I'll give myself a mantra, like you suggest, whenever I feel down. These down feelings are really about my fears for the future and not really about getting her back. NC is a bit difficult at the moment. I went out last night with some friends and my friends actually bumped into her. I missed her by 5 minutes. Nevertheless, it put a bit of a damper on the evening. I hated the fact she actually said hello to one of my friends she knows. I am begining to think a bit more that it really could be a blessing in disguise. If she left me now she could have left me anytime.

 

This forum is really helping me deal with my fears. I thank you all.

Edited December 8, 2014 by Ganz7

[Ganz7]

that is good to know. I too was wondering why you were not married after maybe 3 years of that...but now I see why--there was a nagging suspicion on your part that you were not compatible.

 

 

So...time to move on I guess. And try to really find a more compatible woman next time. At the least it sounds like you need a hard worker, with some ambition, and less tendency to do spur of the moment life choices. they are out there!

 

 

take a few months off from dating....get in shape, do a little traveling, get your mind right. Then dive back in.

 

 

I guess i'm a bit 'safe'. I procastinate a lot (sounds dirty but isn't(!?)). We weren't compatible and would press each other's wrong buttons. All her friends had jobs and a car etc. She relied too much on me.

 

You know I was all keen on the marraige thing but she wanted a white wedding that cost 10k +. I guess if I could relive things I would never argue with a woman and give them what they want. I stuck to my guns though. I wanted to see some consideration on her part. There has got to be some give and take. I do miss all the nice things I liked about her. I'm good at NC but terrible for dwelling on the past. I am shedding my love of nostalgia though as I know it will delay my healing process. S glad I found this forum as my friends are probably getting a bit irritated as I can't help bringing the topic up in discussion which I suspect also delays the healing process.

 

Cheers Spanz

[Toodaloo]

HI Affiarsarebad

 

Yes, I have regrets that I maybe should have committed but at the time I had secured a really well paid salaried job and she was insisting that I get married; she had little jobs in the tens years I was with her. She had a degree and a Masters degree was healthy yet could not find work. She rarely got out of bed before midday and when she was at work would take days off sick whilst I went to work come rain or shine or illness. It was also hinted that I leave my job and go abroad to live with her in Greece. I was under pressure that time stands still for no one. Looking back I am so glad I did not sucumb to such a crazy idea. With no job she would have dumped me anyway. Her parents are so nice though and her brother. I don't know where she gets her character from. These were the reasons I never committed. I just didn't see the drive. Whilst I was up at 7am at the weekend she was in bed till midday. Yet for some reason we had decided to stay together. Although I kept pressin for marraige later she didn't seem keen and I thought we would just end up as a childless couple which in itself would have disapointed me but I have friends who are like this and they are happy.

 

You know, the more I look back the more depressing the whole thing. However, I cannot forgive or forget that she lied to me. She was even doing this when my mum was in hospital this year. I stayed to be at my mum's side and she said she was going to stay overnight at Karolina's flat, and have a girl's night in. The Karolina was the new guy. I kind of want to get even. I have photos of the fake wedding she persuaded me to take part in to lie to her work colleagues that we had got married!!! Why she wanted to do this I'll never know. She got me to burn some DVDs with the photographs. I thought it was insane at the time but went with it because she would have broke my balls had I refused. She even went as far with the charade in buying some rings. At the time I remember thinking why wasn't she putting this much effort in finding a job or making our relationship better. She lied to work colleagues to her friends, to me and probably to the new guy.

 

Looking back I'll think phew! that was a close call.

 

I know you feel bad now but I can assure you that given a bit more time you will start to feel better...

 

If I go back to March this year... I was in a coma with doctors trying to bring me round after my heart stopped... My partner at the time came to see me decided that there was no point in hanging around so went off for a paint balling weekend with the lads. He didn't bother to call to see if I had survived. Idiot also told me he had been there and seen it... My mother, bless her, had said nothing so as not to upset me...

 

I went to see my best friend in the US as this was not the first time that I had had serious complications with my health this year and to be blunt I didn't think I was going to make it to see 2015. So I wanted to "say good bye" and have some fun while we still could. Every tiny cold virus would ravage my body and leave me in hospital unable to breathe and fighting for my life. My health was a mess and I was struggling enormously with simple day to day tasks like making a meal or tidying up as well as trying to keep both my part time jobs...

 

My mother picked me up from the airport as he "had to work". What he had actually done was pack his stuff and leave a note on the cooker to say that I deserved better and he had left. The house can only be described as a s**t hole. He had done nothing during the week I was away so I had to clear up after him... I was by this point too numb to cry or worry. It was just the end of a long list of really horrid ways to let me down and show me that he doesn't care...

 

Here I am nine months on, much healthier, happier, financially better off, over 3st lighter with a much better social life and a cleaner house. I have written a "bucket list" that I am working my way through (friends and family keep adding to it when they see fun things). I haven't felt more alive or had so much fun for years. I am constantly booking tickets for doing things and the theatre and finding things to do and go and see... its rare that I can't find someone to come with me.

 

Apparently my smile reaches my eyes again which it hasn't for a very long time.

 

So you see, if you just give it time, treat yourself nicely and spoil yourself a bit for a while you will soon find yourself in a much better place than now.

[shadow_stang]

I know I'm going to sound like Captain Hindsight right now, but she should have just been honest 7 months ago, or whenever she started talking to a new guy. Why is honesty so foreign to people? Need to break out my violin I guess.

 

 

OP, sorry that you're going through this. This seems like a good community from what I've seen, so you will def have people here to help you out, as you've already seen I'm sure. Stay strong.

 

 

oh, and like they've said, be ready to hear from her when the "high" from her new romance wears off. It may seem easy to say "no" right now, but if you see her face to face, if she tries getting you back, it will be really tempting to say yes, in my opinion. A persons physical presence can do things.

[dreamingoftigers]

She may not come back to this one.

 

She is quite

.....usery. My take on it anyway.

 

Not very motivated to work and a real attention-craver.

 

But OP, I have to ask.

 

CLEARLY she wanted a marriage.

If you weren't going to give her one, did you make it clear why or what your reservations were?

 

Or did you just coast along to not cause conflict?

 

When you caught her on a DATING SITE TWO YEARS AGO, did you confront her? Why did you not break up with her then?

 

When she went through a FAKE WEDDING with you, what the heck was that?

 

Just, why?

 

It seems as though you might be pretty conflict-avoidant or that you were on two very differemt pages in different books.

 

NONE of this excuses her cheating. NONE of it.

 

But clearly this was a situation that raises questions

[spanz1]

I guess i'm a bit 'safe'. I procastinate a lot (sounds dirty but isn't(!?)). We weren't compatible and would press each other's wrong buttons. All her friends had jobs and a car etc. She relied too much on me.

 

You know I was all keen on the marraige thing but she wanted a white wedding that cost 10k +. I guess if I could relive things I would never argue with a woman and give them what they want. I stuck to my guns though. I wanted to see some consideration on her part. There has got to be some give and take. I do miss all the nice things I liked about her. I'm good at NC but terrible for dwelling on the past. I am shedding my love of nostalgia though as I know it will delay my healing process. S glad I found this forum as my friends are probably getting a bit irritated as I can't help bringing the topic up in discussion which I suspect also delays the healing process.

 

Cheers Spanz

 

 

DUDE, from what i hear about wedding costs, $10K is getting off really cheap!

 

but that said, smart kids have a tent set up in Dad's back yard, get a truck full of beer/wine and a stack of burgers and dogs, and play a mix tape thru a borrowed friends guitar amp, and get off for maybe $1000. And have more fun doing it too--they get to invite EVERYONE they want and not worry about some $200 per head charge! They take the remaining $9K they saved and invest it in APPL stock for their future.

[Ganz7]

I know you feel bad now but I can assure you that given a bit more time you will start to feel better...

 

If I go back to March this year... I was in a coma with doctors trying to bring me round after my heart stopped... My partner at the time came to see me decided that there was no point in hanging around so went off for a paint balling weekend with the lads. He didn't bother to call to see if I had survived. Idiot also told me he had been there and seen it... My mother, bless her, had said nothing so as not to upset me...

 

I went to see my best friend in the US as this was not the first time that I had had serious complications with my health this year and to be blunt I didn't think I was going to make it to see 2015. So I wanted to "say good bye" and have some fun while we still could. Every tiny cold virus would ravage my body and leave me in hospital unable to breathe and fighting for my life. My health was a mess and I was struggling enormously with simple day to day tasks like making a meal or tidying up as well as trying to keep both my part time jobs...

 

My mother picked me up from the airport as he "had to work". What he had actually done was pack his stuff and leave a note on the cooker to say that I deserved better and he had left. The house can only be described as a s**t hole. He had done nothing during the week I was away so I had to clear up after him... I was by this point too numb to cry or worry. It was just the end of a long list of really horrid ways to let me down and show me that he doesn't care...

 

Here I am nine months on, much healthier, happier, financially better off, over 3st lighter with a much better social life and a cleaner house. I have written a "bucket list" that I am working my way through (friends and family keep adding to it when they see fun things). I haven't felt more alive or had so much fun for years. I am constantly booking tickets for doing things and the theatre and finding things to do and go and see... its rare that I can't find someone to come with me.

 

Apparently my smile reaches my eyes again which it hasn't for a very long time.

 

So you see, if you just give it time, treat yourself nicely and spoil yourself a bit for a while you will soon find yourself in a much better place than now.

 

Wow Toodaloo

 

That was a real heart rendering account you posted there. It really moved me. SO much of what you said struck a chord in me and it put my own situation in perspective. I feel angry he did that to you..! I can't believe he went paint balling whilst you were in hospital. I don't understand how a human being could be capable of doing that. I'm so glad you are much better now.

 

Leaving the note and the house in a bad state for years is what my ex did. You know I used to purposely not clean the appartment to see if she would do a little cleaning up on occasion but she never did. Not once! You know it wasn't the fact that she didn't look after the place she lived in for 10 years that bothered me it was the fact that she wasn't considerate in her actions towards me. Leaving me to wash the dishes, the sink, bathroom, hoover and so on. I like to think in a relationship it's give and take not just take.

 

Reading your post was so inspiring. All the moaning I've done kind of feels insignificant compared to what you went through. I love the last bit where you say "So you see, give it time.. treat yourself.. " How could I disagree with you. I can't!

 

Thanks Toodaloo. Stay in touch and let me know how you get on

 

Ganz

[Ganz7]

I know I'm going to sound like Captain Hindsight right now, but she should have just been honest 7 months ago, or whenever she started talking to a new guy. Why is honesty so foreign to people? Need to break out my violin I guess.

 

 

OP, sorry that you're going through this. This seems like a good community from what I've seen, so you will def have people here to help you out, as you've already seen I'm sure. Stay strong.

 

 

oh, and like they've said, be ready to hear from her when the "high" from her new romance wears off. It may seem easy to say "no" right now, but if you see her face to face, if she tries getting you back, it will be really tempting to say yes, in my opinion. A persons physical presence can do things.

 

Cheers Shadow

 

Know what you mean about the physical presence. When we last met (there was another encounter after the cafe meet before I knew of the new bf) she seemed to hang around and asked me what my plans were for the evening. I wasn't interested in telling her anything as I suspected she was looking for a lift in my car back to where she living now (bf appartment). She would have said it was her friends place and would I drop her off nearby. In the end I think she became a habitual liar.

 

This forum has certainly helped me with the break up and made me face some questions myself (as I think the next post will ask. he he!)

 

Cheers!

[Ganz7]

She may not come back to this one.

 

She is quite

.....usery. My take on it anyway.

 

Not very motivated to work and a real attention-craver.

 

But OP, I have to ask.

 

CLEARLY she wanted a marriage.

If you weren't going to give her one, did you make it clear why or what your reservations were?

 

Or did you just coast along to not cause conflict?

 

When you caught her on a DATING SITE TWO YEARS AGO, did you confront her? Why did you not break up with her then?

 

When she went through a FAKE WEDDING with you, what the heck was that?

 

Just, why?

 

It seems as though you might be pretty conflict-avoidant or that you were on two very differemt pages in different books.

 

NONE of this excuses her cheating. NONE of it.

 

But clearly this was a situation that raises questions

 

Thanks fella for these questions. You are right and I have to face some truths here. You know she did want marriage. We had only been dating a few months and she was talking of marriage. I was like Whoa! She was talking of taking loans out from a bank and this and that. I thought she was a bit of a fantasist at the time. It wasn't realistic. I had only just met her. When we would look at houses she would be looking at property that costed 300K! I think she was bit of a dreamer.

 

Your description of me being conflict-avoidant is actually quite accurate. I wasn't even aware that this might impact on my future. We both ended up coasting through the last few years. The other thing was that the more we argued the less there was of talk of getting married or starting a family. I knew the realtionship was dying and she did. We just coasted for years. The lack of motivation worried me though. I just didn't see the drive there. You know if you want a family it's hard work.

 

When I caught her on the dating site I did confront her. She really did not have a response. She didn't deny it or defended it. She just showed a faced that said I don't want to talk about this. I just thought she was seeking attention as I knew she wasn't seeing anyone during this time. I guess it was part of conflict-avoidance! I didn't break up with then because I loved her and I suppose I still love her now. You get attached to a person andm their company. We had some real arguments back in the early days and we stuck it out. I didn't see any reason to not stick that one out. I didn't think she was actually seeing someone. After all we were a couple and continued to visit family.

 

The FAKE WEDDING... I honestly don't know about that one. Was that a hint she wanted one with me? I know it was to dupe her work colleagues. Clearly she lied at some point (why I don't know) to her work friends that we got married. She even went as far with the charade by buying some rings in case we bumped into any of ther work collegues outside of work. I refuse to wear the ring as I thought this was going too far. The thing is once you tell one lie then you have to back it up with more lies and it spirals out of control. It put me and some of my work collegues who knew her work collegues in a sticky situation should anyone ask me about the surprise wedding. I started looking at her as slightly deluded by this point.

 

You know I don't blame her for finding someone else. I feel a bit hard done by that she didn't talk to me about our future or try to nurture our relationship and even allowed it to drift as I did.

 

I guess she just wasn't the one in the end. The arguments never stopped. We tried strategies to avoid arguing but none of them work and we would always press the wong buttons. First time I went to visit her abroad she got upset over nothing and threatened to tell her parents some lies about how bad I was and that her parents would throw me out on the streets and I would ave to find my own way back to the UK. She said this in English in front of her parents (who didn't understand English) on my first meeting with them. I should have finished it there and then but the break up feeling was so bad we always got back together. I wanted a partner who isn't work shy. I'm not a millionaire you know.

Edited December 11, 2014 by Ganz7

[Toodaloo]

Wow Toodaloo

 

That was a real heart rendering account you posted there. It really moved me. SO much of what you said struck a chord in me and it put my own situation in perspective. I feel angry he did that to you..! I can't believe he went paint balling whilst you were in hospital. I don't understand how a human being could be capable of doing that. I'm so glad you are much better now. To be blunt there is no point in you feeling those things. I don't. I am not at all bothered by his leaving. I don't feel any loss or anger. Nothing really. Its refreshing and was not a shock. If he had been there I would have asked him to leave within a week. I am not at all bothered by it. I have a wonderful family and fantastic friends who have seen me through all of this. I kept much of my health problems quiet and hid away so that people would not see it as I knew it would frighten those who care for me. It would have been like seeing a giant tree crash to the ground as I have always been very strong and healthy in the past. So I had my handful of people who looked after me and helped me. My ex had been doing stuff like that for years so I was numb and it was just one more thing... I am actually more messed up about a short fling I had with a separated man. But its OK I have had several kicks up the back side from LS members which has kept me on the straight and narrow.

 

Leaving the note and the house in a bad state for years is what my ex did. You know I used to purposely not clean the appartment to see if she would do a little cleaning up on occasion but she never did. Not once! You know it wasn't the fact that she didn't look after the place she lived in for 10 years that bothered me it was the fact that she wasn't considerate in her actions towards me. Leaving me to wash the dishes, the sink, bathroom, hoover and so on. I like to think in a relationship it's give and take not just take.

 

My ex was so dirty and messy. Last time I saw him we went out for a meal and he stank. His breath was disgusting and the BO was stomach turning. I was embarrassed to be seen with him. When I was ill and couldn't keep up with it there were many times when you couldn't walk through a room with out treading on papers, magazines, clothes shoes etc... On a couple of returns from hospital I came back and had to spend several hours cleaning just so that we could eat a meal or sit down. I was so isolated because I was too embarrassed to have anyone round. These days people just pop over whenever they feel like. Its nice to be able to say to someone the door is open pop the kettle on and I will be there in 20 minutes. I can also find what I am looking for!!! Its a mess at the moment as I have been lax but still nothing in comparison...

 

Reading your post was so inspiring. All the moaning I've done kind of feels insignificant compared to what you went through. I love the last bit where you say "So you see, give it time.. treat yourself.. " How could I disagree with you. I can't!

 

I learnt the hard way that people will treat you the same way that you treat yourself. If you treat yourself with dignity and respect and care about yourself others automatically understand that they need to treat you that way too.

 

Thanks Toodaloo. Stay in touch and let me know how you get on

 

Ganz

 

Hey Ganz

 

I am going to be just fine. I am happy, healthier, fitter, having more fun and laughing... I have a wonderful family and a handful of very close friends who are nothing but superb. Its all I need. I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I get to go out and do crazy things and those around me support me with that.

 

You will be just fine too.

 

Keep your chin up chook. Give yourself time and look after yourself.

 

Toodles.

[Ganz7]

Toodles

 

Your reply has been an eye opener. When you said : "I learnt the hard way that people will treat you the same way that you treat yourself. If you treat yourself with dignity and respect and care about yourself others automatically understand that they need to treat you that way too." made me realise that in the or even the last couple of years I'd kind of given up hope on my ex as well as losing my dignity and respect for myself and the realtionship. When I caught her on the dating site what did I do? ..not a lot. I just shrugged it off. Thought she was attention seeking. I had more pressing concerns in my life such as work and my sports and friends. When she was using me for free accomodation (as she was in the end) instead of arguing over it I should have gave her an ultimatum, muck in or ship out! In the end she probably lost any respect she had for me. Which made cheating easier to do. When she was seeing her friends a lot I didn't care as this gave me the opportunity to see more of my friends and have the appartment to myself. On the final Saturday night we spent I even asked her to leave as the relationship was dead! Little did I know that she had already planned this for the next day.

 

Last three years I've been asking for marriage and family but she started to put obstacles in front. These were the signs that something had changed but I kept her because I really loved her - loved an earlier version of her - or maybe I was in love with being attached to someone. It meant I didn't have to change a anything in life which is hard.

 

Lessons learnt. Still tough going through the pain.

 

Ganz

[Toodaloo]

It will be ok.

 

We struggle through these relationships hoping that if we put enough effort in then it will work but to be blunt it takes two to tango. You can't have a relationship with out the other person making an effort too. It goes for anything friendships, relatives, lovers, work mates...

 

Oh the stories I could tell you about my ex. My Grandfather died a couple of years ago and I was very close to him. I was so upset about it but managed to hold it together until just before the funeral when it suddenly occurred to me that he would never see me get married. Dad isn't terribly good at some things so I wanted Grandpa to walk me down the isle if and when it happens (then Dad could blub away to himself and not have to worry about who sees him!). Grandpa would have loved this. Now its never going to happen. He wanted to see me happy and to have a marriage like he did with Granny. I started crying (first time since he died) and my ex asked what my problem was. I explained and his response was to reply "I don't know why its bothering you as I am never going to marry you" and go back to watching TV. The response in itself was bad enough but the delivery of that response was heartless, callus and cruel. I was actually more upset about that than him leaving me to die. By that point it was just another way in which he let me down. I felt more "alone" while I was in that relationship than I do now that I am single.

 

There were the other women. That was a good one. He wasn't even clever enough to hide it. All of a sudden after I found out about that the phone was hidden and texts deleted etc... I used to check his texts as he would often agree to go to things and invite people round then forget about it... The times he "loaned" me money that I had to pay back but the times I "gave" him money so he could carry on with what he wanted to do. I earnt less yet paid more and carried more responsibility. The stampy feet and childlike moods and tantrums. I know 4 year olds that deal with their tempers better than him. It could be over anything... If I made salad instead of feeding him pizza for example... I gave up eating salad when he was around to avoid the tantrums.

 

One BIG mistake I made was to get involved with someone else who was fairly (6 months) new out of a long term relationship. Avoid this like the plague if you can, or go very very slowly with it, as you can end up being a rebound and not notice until you are hurting like hell or end up using someone who is lovely as a rebound with out meaning to. Give yourself time.

 

After all this I really did put my foot down. I had several arguments with people I knew/ know. They did not like it at all but it was when their behavior sucked like a Dyson. There is one woman in particular who still struggles with it but I remain consistent and don't back down and she is learning to treat me with a bit of dignity and respect. Its been a hard lesson for her I can tell you!

 

Life changes. We have good patches and bad patches but as long as you can act with some decorum during the bad and pick yourself up (even if you do need some help to get there) and carry on it does get better again and you learn how to look after yourself.

 

Give yourself time. Do the things you enjoy. Don't sweat over the things she did. Its the past so let it go, let it stay in the past and look to the future and think about how you would like that to be. Then work on that.