Going through a twenty something crisis with myself?

[audiojunky]

My Life In A Nutshell

(A quick thank you in advance for those who care to read.)

 

I'll try to be as brief as possible and get to the meat of this post. When I was young I was always involved with music. In high school I was convinced that music was going to be it for me. Upon graduating high school, I made the decision to stay on the west coast in fear of leaving a girlfriend. (stupid mistake #1) She left me.. and I ended up staying at a music school that didn't quite fulfill my needs.

 

Out of college I got a job for a year while teaching music lessons, playing gigs. I decided to move back east to become a real public school teacher in a fellowship program so that I could sustain my habit ($ wise) with buying recording equipment, hearing more of the live music that I wanted to hear, etc. My job back east ended up being a life changing experience.. teaching in the ghetto and realizing how much of nothing some kids have growing up. It was a rewarding experience.

 

After being in NYC a couple years, I decided to move back to LA mainly because of a girl. A lot of my good friends moved back here, and my family is here. I think to this day that I would not have moved back though if she had broken up with me before I left. She broke up with me about 4 months after we moved in together here. It has been a real tough time for me.. and has made me realize that I have always made some serious decisions based on who I thought was in love with me.

 

I now teach at a very nice high school where kids have everything. I've grown a lot musically being there. It allows me to pursuit my musical interests a bit more than my other job back east.. but it is also very time consuming.

 

I feel like I'm at a fork in the road now. Musically, I have so many interests that it kind of stretches me thin in some ways. I conduct at school.. I write music at home.. I play music whenever I have the chance to with others. I guess that I am sort of troubled that I don't do one thing at a world-class level that would allow me to do nothing but perform and write for a living. I see all these kids that I now teach who have everything to grow from in their future and I get envious.. then I think about the kids who I taught who had nothing and how much it must of benefitted them.

 

I have taught to keep myself afloat.. to pay the bills and make a living. My parents were never on the supporting end of me doing one thing that I wanted because they were more concerned about me working a real job.. going to an affordable school.. making it on my own the day I stepped out of school. I think that I am a better person for the way they have handled this... but I still have that energy inside of me that wants to take a leap of faith.

 

I guess me taking a leap of faith at this point would be deciding to do one thing that I want to do.. which is musically hard for me. I want the chance to dedicate all my time into one effort before I feel like I have to give in and give up on whatever my musical dream is. This might mean that I would have to apply to go back to music school in order to get aid to live and focus.. it might mean leaving my job again.. going back east again.. it could mean several things. I'm 26 and I feel like I need to make a move on it. Maybe it means just focusing on one and only one thing outside of my job until I can make the leap.

 

I also feel like.. if I am going to continue teaching.. my current job would be ideal to stay at for a long time.. but I'm always thinking about the kids who don't have the opportunities that my current students have.. and I feel the need to do something a little greater than provide for students who already have everything provided for them.

 

Maybe my confusion has already been answered here. If I keep doing what I do without ever pursuing or figuring out what I really want to do.. and be truly successful at it.. I might always regret my decision to never go for it with my greatest effort.

 

maybe you can provide me with some thoughts, insight, etc.

[Pocky]

I'm not sure exactly what it is you would like to be doing. Within the world of music, what role do you want? And, why do you need to go back to school for it? It's not something you can do without going back to school?

[HotCaliGirl]

As a musician myself, I can relate to what you're saying - I've been there. I studied music at UCLA and after graduation, I was torn between making a living in music and "really" making a living. I had teaching opportunities, performance opportunities but the pay was little and the chances of making it big were slim. First I went into television production, then I went into the stock market and now I am in real estate.

 

For a while I was torn because music had been my whole life, yet I wasn't doing it 24/7 like I thought I would. I now do it as a hobby on the side - composing and playing and sometimes teaching. It sounds like you don't have the means to stop what you're doing and focus on music exclusively. Seems like you have to be mature about it - you have to have your real/day job (think of unemployed actors waiting tables, not spending all their time going to auditions, acting classes) and ON THE SIDE do your music until and if it turns out to be something.

 

The whole guilt thing of you not feeling comfortable teaching privileged children doesn't make too much sense. I went to an exclusive high school, and all children could use a good teacher such as yourself - poor or wealthy. But if you prefer teaching poor children, then apply to work at a different school. There are PLENTY of them in Los Angeles, where you say you are.

 

You don't have to give up on your musical dream but like I said, few people have the luxury to pursue something that in the short term does not bring them enough income to make ends meet. Sometimes my music is used in television commercials which brings a lot of money, but I do all things associated with music "on the side" while my "real' job is in real estate.

 

 

Anyways, I don't want to sound preachy but instead share some of my opinions (I am 30)...I've felt how you're feeling, it takes time to figure things out