Devastated by wife's leaving with no warning.

[Markym]

My wife left me without warning. me.

My wife and I have been married for almost six years, but together for 16 years. Over the years, we've had ups and downs, but notwithstanding the honeymoon phase of a brand new relationship, I felt things were never better than the last seven months or so. We were making plans for our future, she initiated much of these discussions, but I believed we were both genuinely exited and happy. I'm 48 and she's 40. We both have successful professional careers. No kids. Last December, after discussing the matter for a long time, I had a vasectomy; that's how certain we were about our future together. I should also mention she's a high functioning alcoholic.

 

Mid September, 2 1/2 months ahoy, she got terrible news that her father was dying and his death was imminent. Her folks live across the country. I asked what she wanted and needed from me during this difficult period. She advised that I should stay home, as I had just gone back to work after being out for three months due to an injury. She would go say goodbye, come home, and we'd go back together for the funeral. She stayed two weeks, and returned home. The family decided not to have a funeral in lieu of a memorial next summer.

 

She was home for 2 wks, prior to taking me out for my birthday at a monastic restaurant. She held my hand over the table. Later that night, she dropped the bomb. On her way home from saying goodbye to her father, she had a layover in her connecting flight city due to mechanical problems. The alcoholic was naturally at the bar. She tells me she met a merchant marine, 50 years old, who owns a home in the connecting city, but whom ships into our city every 10 days. She goes on to say she spent the night with him, has been communicating ever since, and that maybe we shouldn't be married anymore.

 

She moved in with some relatives 2 days later saying she needed time, perhaps three months to sort out her feelings. It's now been 7 weeks. I don't contact her, but when she contacts me, I'm generally there. She has seen all my emotions. She well knows I want her back, and would do anything to make it work. She says her dissatisfaction with us is emotional. She says I'm overly controlling, and consequently she felt suffocated. I never sensed she felt that way. And any controlling behaviors of mine I would change in a heartbeat if I knew it would prove detrimental to our relationship. She knows this. She says sex was always good, and feels that was all we had in common. I don't believe sex was all there was. We spent so much time together, and I felt we truly cherished our company together.

 

She has recently advised that she's moving on, with or without the sailor, although she continues to see him, and tells me she really likes him. She also tells me he will retire from the sea soon.

 

I'm devastated. I don't know what to do. Yesterday, thanksgiving, she texted "I hope your day is okay". This is the first time I didn't respond to her. Up until that point, she would have some reason to come over to see me once a week or so. Much of our encounters involved her being angry at me for my failures in the marriage. I'll spare you all the details of my failures, but please trust, by and large, these are rather trivial matters in my mind, and I've advised her I've already made certain changes. She doesn't seem to care at this point.

 

I want to reiterate that up until the day she left for her father, she was making plans for our future and we were both seemingly excited about such. I am so deeply saddened. I would do anything to reconcile. Please offer any advice you may have regarding how I should proceed at this point.

[Ganz7]

I feel for you fella. Hang in there.

[anika99]

Don't take anything she says too seriously. She is displaying typical affair behavior and rewriting history to justify her actions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just work on your own healing and let her go and live with the consequences of her decisions.

 

 

You say you want her back but really think long and hard about that. You mentioned that she is a functioning alcoholic. I've know a few of those and while they can be engaging and charming I also felt a disconnect. Although these alcoholics seem to function perfectly fine at work and in their relationships I always felt like the alcohol actually blocked real true emotional intimacy. Perhaps you are doing a little rewriting of history yourself because alcoholics have issues and typically their emotional relationships suffer at least somewhat.

[Bito]

You must remove her from your identity. This will not be an easy task as she has been your partner for 16 years... this makes what she did all the more terrible. Did she care about you when she slept with that guy? Nope. She only cares about herself.

 

You have no kids so that makes leaving a bit easier. Stop all contact with her unless it's regarding official stuff.

 

My heart aches reading this. These holidays will be hard no doubt about it. It's ok to feel like ****, just let yourself feel what you need to...

[GirlStillStrong]

How can you tell two alcoholics are dating?

 

There's a moving van in one of their driveways.

[LifeNomad]

Give her time and leave her alone to figure her life out. Her dads death may have flipped a switch somehow on how she views life, maybe she felt she wasnt living it up after being so many years in the relationship

 

Its the ol grass is greener...

 

What u can do is focus on urself, change urself, exercise hard, eat better, change ur wardrobe. Good luck man

[Markym]

Thanks everyone for the support. Anika99, you're absolutely nailed my experience with my wife's alcoholism. She was so often engaging and charming, yet I always felt a bit of an emotional disconnect. I, however, always felt the good outweighed the bad; I miss her so much, and I can't imagine, at 48, finding that happiness with a another, someone I am as attracted to as much. I still cry several times a day.

 

Our shared history together is such that we both had to overcome obstacles to be together, and now when things seemed at their most bright, she left. It simply doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps it's the emotional disconnect of her alcoholism that prevented me from sensing her dissatisfaction.

 

I did not share in my original post that we were separated once before for a few months, prior to getting married. She had stopped seeing me because, as much as I loved her, she felt I would not commit to marriage. I had very little contact during that period and she was seeing other men. She told me then she was very attracted to one one particular man, and that perhaps we were done. As much as I don't recognize her over the last 7 weeks, this is very reminiscent of how she was back then; her head seemed huge. She certainly was sending a message that she didn't need me. Well, of course, when we got married, she went back to "normal", and I truly felt she wanted us to be together forever.

 

I know I have to protect myself, but I also want to do what what will be most attractive to her if she should have a change of heart and want to reconcile. She has asked if we could remain friends. I don't see how under the circumstances I can do that. Perhaps it would be different if we mutually tried to save the marriage, and she wasn't seeing someone else. I'm afraid of going NC, and being out of sight, out of mind. Should I just be honest with her and explain to her under the circumstances, a friendship isn't possible. Tell her if she ended her affair, and wanted to work on our marriage , I would invest all my heart in such (she already knows this). And finally, telling her, barring the above, that I need to just focus on myself.

[KBarletta]

I feel for you Markym. I am in nearly identical circumstances, though we were raising a child (hers) together.

 

 

For me, it's been five weeks, and I continue to go through the stages of grief, seemingly all of them each day. I would encourage you to try individual counseling if only to have an intelligent outsider to speak to.

 

 

I also second everything that's been said above: Leave her alone to figure things out on her own. I know NC is scary (it's been terrifying for me personally, that my wife would somehow just forget me and move on during NC.) But there are enough examples on here to know that isn't going to happen. She will think of you, she will miss you and (probably) she'll contact you at some point. You just need to be strong, work on yourself and become the best person you can be without her. Act like you're moving on and either 1. She'll see this and come back or 2. At some point, you actually WILL move on. Either way, you come out ahead.

 

 

Would she agree - after a period of time - to go to marriage counseling? That has worked wonders for people in your shoes.

[chew123]

Markym,

 

I know this is hard but she made her choice. Let her go. I am in a very similar situation and just before she started the affair we were making plans for retirement. Women seem to just decide they want out, start the affair, rewrite history to make it your fault, etc.

 

You are her plan b now. You deserve better.

I am 8 weeks out. If you take care of yourself it gets better fast.

 

married 28 years together 35. I know it hurts, but it gets better.

[Markym]

Just received a curious voicemail fro my wife "Mark, please call or text you're alright". I purposely didn't take the call, but it felt if I didn't respond, she'd show up here and I didn't want that. So, I texted back "I'm fine". She texted back "good, I was worried about you". I didn't reply.

 

I don't get it. Why would she feel that way? Or is just some pathetic excuse to reach out. Last contact from her was her text on Thanksgiving "hope my day is ok". That I didn't respond to, and is probably the first time I haven't responded.

 

It's hard not to take some encouragement from the fact that she contacted me. Was she really concerned I would hurt myself? I have never said or done anything to suggest such. Roller coaster continues. I just think anything other than an unequivocal message from her that she misses me, she's sorry, and wants to work on things, doesn't deserve a response from me. Am I doing the right thing?

[KBarletta]

I just think anything other than an unequivocal message from her that she misses me, she's sorry, and wants to work on things, doesn't deserve a response from me. Am I doing the right thing?

 

I would say yes. I am five weeks into a similar situation and totally agree with this approach. Anything short of this sets you up as Plan B and allows her to have control over your life.

 

IF there is a chance for your relationship then I think she has to make the first move and it has to be unequivocal as you said.

 

Hang in there!

[DSP]

Mark -

 

I think they always reach out in some way mainly out of guilt. Mine would text me about the kids or about something she left at the house, if I had something she was looking for, etc... Later on she told me how she missed my random texts from work and was always looking at her phone hoping I'd text her... This coming from the woman who had an affair and left me after 15 years and 3 kids.

 

It's hard to tell why she is contacting you via text. She could be genuinely concerned for your health or she feels guilty and could just be trying to keep the golden string of hope strong between you both. She's with the OM either emotionally or physically so who knows really.

 

You can handle the texting anyway you want. Kill them with kindness or just be blunt. Either way you should get your point across that you need some time alone. You're not going to hurt yourself and she is the primary person of contact in the event you were to get into a driving accident. Also tell her you are not mad you just hurt. Tell her you need space you need to think about a lot of the situation at hand. Let her know you won't keep texting with her or talk to her on the phone and if at all possible tell her to email you so you can have time to think about your response.

 

Don't reply to her texts for an hour or not even at all. Don't pick up the phone if she calls and let it go to VM. Don't call back.

 

If you think any word you say or any memory you invoke is going to bring her back to your arms then you are fooling yourself greatly and will feel like a fool later on. You are going to have to let this fairy tale play itself out all the way to the bitter end.

 

You stated that you have gone through this before. You accepted her back into your life and now you might want to think about this relationship being gone for good. This pattern will continue especially if she knows how easy it will be to come back. What real consequences does she have for her behavior? You enable her alcoholism (not sure really just a guess), she's cheated on you before and came back, you keep giving her a great life, and other things I'm sure only you can think of. It's time to let her suffer for the decisions she's made. It's time for you to start protecting yourself, because the **** storm is coming and you know it...

 

Think about it this way:

 

Yes the merchant marine she met drunk in a bar on a lay over is going to make her life complete. She has finally found the knight in shining armor that will take all of her problems away and share all of his humor, stories of swash buckling and pirate plunder with only her and her only. She is the only damsel in distress he's ever known and cannot believe his luck that he finally found the woman of his dreams. He cannot wait to marry her and share the rest of his life with a woman he met drunk in a bar on a layover. Let her show you how smart she really is Mark...

 

So it's up to you now how you want your life to be now.

[Be_Strong]

You did a lot of damage to your ability to reconcile in the immediate aftermath of your wife's confession. After she tells you that she has cheated, you gave her all the power in the relationship by begging for her to stay and telling her you'd do anything to reconcile. All you did was kill your wife's attraction for you and repel her.

 

It seems like your wife interprets her attraction for other men as a sign that there is something wrong with her relationship with you. She likely woke up hungover in bed with this merchant marine the next morning and in order to cope with her actions she rationalizes in her mind that you must be the problem, not her. Your begging and telling her how you can change does nothing but reinforce in her mind that you are the problem.

 

What you should have done is be strong and direct with your wife and tell her the cheating is unacceptable and that you will be proceeding with a divorce. When she told you she wanting time away, you should have said she has no choice because you want her out right now and she'll have the rest of her life to think. That would have put the power back in your hands and forced her to realize that her actions were wrong.

 

You don't have a time machine, so you can't change the past. But you can still take back your balls and act like a man going forward. Tell her straight up the cheating was unacceptable, you are filing for divorce, and don't want any further contact from her. It seems counterintuitive, but this is actually your best course of action if you want to reconcile. You'll also cut short the long limbo period that a lot of betrayed spouses suffer through. If there is no chance of reconciling, then you'll be well on your way to divorce and healing. If your wife is willing to reconcile, this is the quickest, most direct way to find out.

[Markym]

I thnk my best strategy going forward may be to maintain no contact as I have since thanksgiving. She already has taken notice of this change, as she called frantically the Sunday after thanksgiving when I ignored her text. Our apartment lease ends in February. I may be able to move prior to that, at which time I will advise her she can pick up all her stuff ( I don't want to still be living here when she sends the movers in. Most of the furniture is hers). I'll then tell her I'll be moving forward with the divorce and have no desire to maintain a friendship. How's this plan sound? Is this my best plan if I hope for reconciliation? Do I tell her she can contact me in future if she wants to get back together, with no promises of where I'll be, that I'll be moving on? Please offer your advice folks. Thanks. I desperately want her back.

[beach]

She's an alcoholic. Best plan is to file for D now. I'd tell her to come pick up her stuff now. No need to hang on to things when she isn't making effort for the marriage.

 

Consider yourself lucky to get out.

 

Get counseling to learn about yourself and why you'd even want an active alcoholic as your partner.

 

I hope you learn more about alcoholism and that life is better without the drinker involved.

[GirlStillStrong]

I thnk my best strategy going forward may be to maintain no contact as I have since thanksgiving. She already has taken notice of this change, as she called frantically the Sunday after thanksgiving when I ignored her text. Our apartment lease ends in February. I may be able to move prior to that, at which time I will advise her she can pick up all her stuff ( I don't want to still be living here when she sends the movers in. Most of the furniture is hers). I'll then tell her I'll be moving forward with the divorce and have no desire to maintain a friendship. How's this plan sound? Is this my best plan if I hope for reconciliation? Do I tell her she can contact me in future if she wants to get back together, with no promises of where I'll be, that I'll be moving on? Please offer your advice folks. Thanks. I desperately want her back.

 

I like this plan a lot. I'm not sure about telling her to contact you if she changes her mind. Your plan reminds me of "the 180" I have seen people here post about. IDK much about it except I think it's a list of dos and don'ts for betrayed spouses; maybe someone else will comment about what it is or where it comes from.

[Markym]

So, wife just dropped off empty boxes for packing (probably plans to move everything out mid- late Jan, which is when I'll be moving. I really want to be out before her because most of the **** is hers,mand I can't bear the thought of her big move when I'm still here with the cats.

I'm in crisis because while she was here,she asked if I wanted to have dinner. I said I didn't think it was a good idea. I had dressed up and I think she thought I had my own plans and she seemed giddy about it (another dagger to my heart). I asked her why she wanted to have dinner. She said because she thought I could probably use a meal, and not because she wants to talk about getting back together. (Another dagger)

 

I said we're not gonna be friends; that a friend doesn't lie to her husband, cheat on him, and abruptly move out. She said okay and left.

 

Did I handle this alright? Did I just blow any chance of potential reconciliation, as remote a possibility that seems right now? Clearly, her mind seems made up. Could it possibly change down the road? Any success stories out there with similar circumstances.

[GirlStillStrong]

I think you are too focused on getting her back. I think you need to focus on yourself. I think you need to go to an Al-Anon meeting.

[Markym]

I still can't over the fact that up until the day she left for her dying father, I was so convinced my wife was in it for life; so convinced

 

 

 

 

Please, anyone with success at reconciliation in similar circumstances?

 

 

 

I've attended al anon one time, and I'm thinking of going back. Just seems a little late now.

[GirlStillStrong]

I still can't over the fact that up until the day she left for her dying father, I was so convinced my wife was in it for life; so convinced

 

 

 

 

Please, anyone with success at reconciliation in similar circumstances?

 

 

 

I've attended al anon one time, and I'm thinking of going back. Just seems a little late now.

 

No, it's not too late. You're still you, whether she is with you or not. Al-Anon is not about THEM; it's about US.

[Markym]

Few hours past since she was here, and I feel empty. There seemed to be a finality about this evening that I don't want to face. Her response "okay" to my "we can't be friends". She wasn't flippant. Rather, she took it in stride and left.

And I ask what was her purpose in coming over? Just seems like another act of cruelty. She didn't need to bring those boxes over for me to stare at for the next month. There's no reason she couldn't take them to her relatives.

 

And what would she have gained by dinner? There's such a divide between us, surely she feels it.

 

Yet, I'm concerned I didn't leave the door open, should she in the future want to reconcile.

 

I can't believe how unrecognizable she is to me now; seems like 2 different people. The woman I loved would be incapable of hurting me so badly. It's impossible. I feel like I'm living a nightmare; can't be real. How could I be so wrong about her. I didn't imagine how loving she could be. I didn't imagine her planning for our future. I loved her so much, but that person has vanished. This is so saddening to me. I feel so alone.

[Ballerfamily]

Been a long time since I posted...my ex walked out after 30 yrs..I have 2 boys..

 

 

I feel your hurt an betrayal..Its so hard to comprehend why they act and do what they do...It seems so cruel...she misses you...then she doesn't..then she feels guilty....blah blah

 

 

Let me make one point perfectly clear.. with sailor boy in the picture, forget talking to her and making any sense of anything...she walked out after what you said, because she has a security blanket.. you made it easy for her..her guilt was removed for the time being...

 

 

Stop letting her know how you feel...

 

 

Why do you want someone who doesn't want you ??

 

 

It hurts like hell. It sucks. It's been 5 yrs for me. I still cry and have bad days. I truly loved and cared for my ex. She is a functioning alcoholic also. A couple drinks and she shacks up. Are you kidding me. Forget it now and move on. No one deserves living with this nightmare. It will hurt like hell for a long time. No Contact. It sucks. BUT IT IS THE ONLY WAY.

 

 

Do not try to figure this out, and then talk her about fixing it. She doesn't care or want to fix it right now. Move on. Be strong. Be appealing to others. Make her miss you. Have fun. It's all about you now

 

 

Then when she comes calling, hopefully you will be strong and not weak, and you will tell her no thanks. THEY DO NOT CHANGE VERY OFTEN. SHE HAS ISSUES.

Edited December 3, 2014 by Ballerfamily

[Markym]

In the midst of my swirling hurt and pain, I looked at some old photos of my wife and myself. For a few precious moments I was able to escape into those photos, forget the here and now, and deeply feel the elated happiness of times gone by.

[Markym]

I feel slightly empowered, yet empty over the last few days. It occurs to me that when I told WW that we would not be friends, I effectually terminated our relationship. But I accept, as along as WW is in another relationship, it's simply to painful to engage her. What an awful feeling it was over the last several weeks every time we communicated. So, I had no choice. Furthermore, most feel such is also my best chance for R, right? There is such an emptiness within my heart. I want this pain to go away. More than that, I want my W back.

[Arieswoman]

Markym,

I am sorry you are in this position and I can't really say much that will make it better for you.

 

I support what others have said in that you should try and move forward and make a new life for yourself. Your wife has made her choices, now you need to make yours.

 

I would suggest you contact your nearest Al-Anon group for support.

 

Good luck. x