Wife not sexually/intimately interested at all

[purplenurple6]

First of all I am new to the this forum so please bare with me.

 

My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years now and we are pretty young for a married couple (we're 22). We usually have sex once or twice a month. For the first year of our relationship we were very sexually active and then things died down. Every since then she stopped being intimate with me, didn't want to be close or kiss. Then early this year she told me that in her last relationship of 2 years, she felt that she was used for sex by her then boyfriend. He was the type of guy that didn't want anything to do with her unless he wanted sex and he pretty much ignored he most of the time. She also told me that when they had sex sometimes she would tell him to stop and he wouldn't stop, and this has bothered her a lot ever since. She says that it didn't bother her too much until she read an article that reminded her of how it made her feel.

Anyways, we don't have any kids and for a while now I have felt like she is not sexually attracted to me. I work and cook almost every night and I clean quite often. I have tried many many different approaches to sex, I plan nights out with her and do romantic things, but nothing seems to get her interested in me. I never bug her a lot about sex and try to leave her alone about it and try to be understanding and patient with her but I feel like she doesn't reallt care about my needs. When this comes up in a fight she always says "You'll be fine without sex, you'll live" in a mocking way. I feel very unwanted by my wife. She is a bartender at popular bar and gets hit on all the time, she has lots of guy friends that she is in contact with regularly some of which are clearly interested in her. And some of them I imagine could be desirable in her eyes.

I don't know what to do anymore I cant get her to understand how important this is for me, she always gets very defensive and angry whenever it comes up. I would appreciate some advice in this situation I don't know if there is something I cam doing wrong or if its her. We are still young and we don't know what we're doing in marriage.

Edited November 29, 2014 by purplenurple6

[eye of the storm]

Couple of issues here. And each of them needs to be addressed.

 

You both need counselling. She also needs IC because she has issues with sex in general (per what she says).

 

You married a woman with no sexual issues. They have developed or she was doing a lot of faking to get the ring. Now the sex has stopped. This is not what you signed on for. It would be different if she were having a problem either she or both of you were trying to fix it, but she has no interest in changing what is happening.

 

When you try to communicate your feelings (valid feelings BTW) she mocks you and tells you that you can live without sex. That is an issue all its own that she doesn't care about your feelings.

 

You are now having self esteem issues because at 22 you are married to a woman who can't stand having sex with you. These will only get worse the longer they last.

 

"Sex is 10% of a healthy marriage and 90% of a bad one." This doesn't mean healthy marriages have less sex, it means if you are in a bad marriage you probably argue about sex a massive amount, like you two are doing.

 

Don't accept duty sex either. You have every right to be married to a woman who wants all of you, and that includes sex

 

On a side note, some women when they cheat they stop having sex with their Hs. It is a possibility you might want to look into.

 

Here is my recommendations, take some all or none.

 

1. Put your foot down and tell her that if you two can't get on the same page regarding sex, you are gone. This can be done (and is highly recommended) thru MC.

2. Learn to live without sex for the rest of your life.

3. Decide that at 22 years of age, you and she were both too young for this, write if off as a learning experience and just file without trying to fix the marriage.

 

You are not being unreasonable. What you want is normal and healthy.

[oldshirt]

The short story here is she is getting her needs met at work. She's having all these studs hit on her and schmooze on her and compliment her and give her all her strokes while you are home cooking and cleaning like a good Suzy Homemaker.

 

You assessment pretty well matches mine, she has lost attraction for you and sees you as one of the girls and are just there to provide her support and security etc.

 

In today's manosphere parlance, you are the beta provider. Look up that term if you are not familiar with it.

 

I usually try to avoid all the 'alpha' vs 'beta' crap that is common on websites these days but in this situation it applies. She is getting a mega dose of alpha every night she goes to work. Then she comes home to you in an apron to rub her feet and whine about how you aren't getting the sex you want.

 

She's seeing you as a roommate and not as a man, husband and lover.

 

I would be negligent not to bring this up as well but there is a very real chance she may even be having physical contact with some man/men at work.

 

Often when a wife is being blatantly disrespectful and dismissive to her husband, there is another man/men in the picture.

 

This is a very serious situation that is going to need some serious work -

[oldshirt]

The first step you need to do is find out if she is having an actual affair(s) or not. If she is getting it elsewhere, nothing else you do is going to matter if that isn't shut down immediately.

 

Hack her computer and phone and look for emails, txts, Facebook etc and see if she is in personal contact with anyone. Install key logger program on computer so you can up everything even if she deletes history and conversations.

 

Get itemized phone logs of all her calls and txts and see if there are any patterns that are suspicious.

 

Stash a voice activated recorder in her car. Many cheaters talk with their APs while in the privacy of the car. You can also stash some in the house if there is an area of the house that she would have a private convo.

 

Since she works in a pretty public place, it would be easy for someone to keep an eye on what she is doing and to see what she is doing and where she goes after work or if she is slipping into the back room with anyone. You can hire a PI or even one of your buddies to see what goes on and where she goes at work.

 

A GPS unit in her car can also help track her movements.

 

 

As I said in my other post, you have to determine if she is getting someone else or not because if she is, then all other efforts like counseling etc will all be in vain.

 

An important thing to keep in mind is you have to gather concrete proof on your own. You can't just simply ask her about it. If you ask her about it, she is not going to just break down in tears and confess it like everyone fantasizes they will. Instead she will just deny it and then she will go further underground and destroy evidence and cover her tracks better. You have to do this on the down low.

 

Cont....

[oldshirt]

Cont...

 

And since this an attraction and respect issue that does deal in the whole alpha vs beta spectrum I am going to recommend some books and websites

 

One book you are going to need to get is called "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.

 

You are not going to be able to "nice" your way out of this. You are going to have to set rock-solid boundaries and stand up for yourself and not take any sht off anyone.

 

The other recommendations are that you get the book "The Married Man Sexlife Primer" by Athol Kay. The is also a website and forums at his website called 'Married Man Sexlife". Get logged on to that site and tell your story there and people will be able to address your specific issues.

 

'MMSL" specializes in attraction and respect issues and will be able to address a lot if the specific areas you need help in.

[Discjockey80]

All this stuff that you are doing for her...STOP IT! She gets all that stuff done for her when she gives more sex. And until then you make it clear you're done.

 

Secondly she needs to look for a better job that doesn't involve nightlife.

 

You instruct her this will be done or you move to phase 2 which involves counseling and or attorneys.

[Ninjainpajamas]

It is beyond me why guys still fall for the advice that is so common in society:

 

- Do you cook, clean and do things around the house?

 

- Do you tend to her needs? do you make her feel wanted, sexy, desirable?

 

- Do you make sure to listen to her feelings first and put her needs and emotions before yours?

 

- Do you set the mood, make it romantic and take her out?

 

And the list goes on and on and basically is about what more you could do for her or what it is that you don't do...like those major chain store companies that want and expect the utmost out of their employees all the while paying them the absolute minimum they can so corporate is happy, expecting people to do a lot for very little. And why do they do it in the end? the employee...not because they buy into the BS (although some will) but because at the end of the damn week their desperate and need a paycheck.

 

So your reward in this relationship is going to be a minimum wage paycheck while the list of duties goes on, and in her eyes her problems and needs are more important than yours and you should simply be understanding.

 

IMO in life, whenever it is that you feel you are giving the most...is when you're going to get the littlest in return. It's always the times you don't give a damn, that...everything seems to be going your way and people are bending @ss backwards just get you to stay.

 

Your problem in my eyes, is this girl simply doesn't love you and she feels comfortable in the fact that she has you locked into her trap. And a person that doesn't love you and is wrapped up in their own personal issues will be very selfish. The "rewards" or things they give you back in return, will seem like nonsensical arguments and defenses just for the sake of having something to say in return to counter your arguments. These are just recycled excuses and guilt-trips to get you back into the cage and off her back for a while until the next time, where she essentially does the same things.

 

Personally, I don't know why guys fall for this crap with women...why are you the nice guy? why are you following the rules? why are you trying so hard to win her affection? what is it that you are trying to prove?

 

You really think you can win her over?...Ok, your sex life was good in the past and she seemed to be really into you right? and you just want it go back...well I got some advice for you

 

IT'S A GOD DAMN TRAP!!!!!!

 

Women know men like sex...they know how to work your little bird brain and get you to do what they want you to do and once they get whatever the hell it is they damn want then they kick you off the cruise ship, give you a few bags and stick you on one of the little life boats on the side....and that's where you'll muthabuckin live for the rest of your life.

 

Like wtf...it's not going to back in time, that wasn't the "real her"...the real her has issues and problems, the real her had a greater desire than whatever was occurring in that bedroom, stop falling for this crap and snap about of thinking like a damn fool and realize that you're being manipulated...YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED.

 

All this crap about her "personal issues" and this and that, it's just a game. She knew she had those issues before you, she knows their her problems and not yours, but that's what she's going to use until the end of time and tell at the same time it's not really your need to have sex.

 

Men think they're smart about women, but that woman spends way more time thinking things than you ever will. While you're focused on this or that, if she deems that irrelevant she's completely somewhere else, and she will fight only when you threaten her plans...if she feels she has you, if she feels in control...she will make you her "b**h" and if she doesn't respect you, then you've already lost...it's over.

 

Get out now, use this as a valuable learning experience, I don't care how much you love this girl, i don't care what comes out of her mouth...use your damn head and don't be another naive fool of a man who thinks he knows better and is even on her level when the women is the one pulling all of the strings under the table and you're having these pointless talks and debates when she doesn't even give a damn about that because she already knows and heard that....right?

 

You better hope she doesn't want to get pregnant, because she's going to sink her teeth into you if you are a good guy and you are going to be short-changed out of the entire process, she'll have you by the balls and they'll be in a box under her night stand by the bed...and you won't get sh***t, sucka.

[Blaze997]

Come on man, even dating a bar girl is dangerous, you married one? Where were the men in your life to advise you against doing that? Just be thankful you are young and the divorce won't be that bad. This situation is just not practical or salvageable. I would get out since you will always be fighting a losing battle with this girl.

[loveboid]

From my personal woman's perspective, she's complaining to you about bad sex. She told you something very intimate which is she got raped--the guy wouldn't stop when she asked him to--this is rape. She probably doesn't even see it as rape because of, in my opinion, willful cultural ignorance (but that's another story).

 

Basically, she's had bad sex to say the least. Maybe she's had good sex with her clientele. Who knows. She's wanting good sex now, it's probably even more important to her now considering, so I would serve it up if I were you.

 

And for goodness sake, please do not ever pressure her, and please stop if she asks you to. When a woman wants to have sex you don't have to coerce her! She's probably dying for a great sexual experience after all she's been through.

 

I'm not sure about all the house cleaning, beta stuff. Bad sex is still bad sex no matter who does the housecleaning. I could be wrong.

Edited December 3, 2014 by loveboid
spelling

[loveboid]

Speaking of which, it would totally turn me off if I revealed something so intimate as being disrespected sexually by another guy to my current lover, and my current lover didn't get all protective and at least talk to me about it until we got insight that yes this is rape.

 

If you wanna go alpha I think you gotta address this point and be her protector...she I'm sure is thinking she needs one.

 

Isn't this part of the whole alpha, turn-on thing? Because women will get attacked by beta guys who couldn't have sex with them otherwise and they need a strong guy to defend them. Those guys are hawt to me.

[loveboid]

Sorry to keep posting but I get the sneaking suspicion that the whole beta housecleaning bit comes from not really the role reversal, but the obligation that a woman might sense as a result. As if she's supposed to lie down on cue when he does the dishes.

 

A woman can tell when a guy is making it seem she's obligated and that to me is a turn off. He's supposed to charm, romance, and turn her on, not obligate her. Yick. So I would be careful she doesn't see you that way.

[Robert]

Drive by thread starter, if they come back and want the thread opened alert on this post and we will open it back up, thanks for all who participated