sadcherry Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 Ok, i'm new to the forum and am hoping to get some advise.. I have been married for 13years, married after only 18 mths. I was married previously and brought 2 children to the marriage 3/4 yrs old, they are now 18/19 and we have 2 more children to the marriage 10/13 yrs. I'm pretty sure I want out of the marriage but it is so hard to make the decision as my husband doesnt see any problems in our marriage. I constantly try to discuss it with him and he always turns things around, I feel frustrated and afraid of making a mistake. We fight a lot and I find myself annoyed with him all the time, I hate being like that and I feel sorry for him. Can anyone reccommend ways to help me see clearly what I want to do? I have read self help marriage books and feel this is all i think about atm. This has been going on for years, my husband was very selfish in the begining of the marriage and we have had a few break up, but he cries and says things will be different so I take him back, and to be honest he has changed a lot, but I feel dead to him, I no longer care for intimacy. I do not want to hurt him but I often feel suffocated and want to run away. I am afraid to make the decision to break up and then regret it, I hate the thought of upsetting him, I wish he would just make the decision to leave but he thinks we are fine. His parents are still together but I dont think they are happy, he comes from a eastern european family and no one seams to ever break up even if they are unhappy. I dont want to waste my life, I am scared that if I dont leave him I will regreat it in the future, Im so confused any advise would be helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 Suggest joint counselling. If he won't go, tell him you will go on your own, and he better be prepared for a break-up, and termination of your marriage..... Forgive me for being blunt, but you're your own worst enemy. If every time he "turns on the waterworks" and makes promises you know, or suspect he won't keep (and indeed, you're proved right) then sad to say, you're playing into this, and 'the bigger fool'. He knows he can play you like a fiddle. He knows exactly what to do to engineer and manipulate a situation that will make you crumble and capitulate, and you fall for it every time. I'm sorry, but if you really want to push this forward, then do it. Do not be swayed and coerced into changing your mind, otherwise you'll find yourself in this constant, suffocating, aimless cycle for the rest of your life. deep joy, what a prospect. For goodness' sake woman - be determined to help yourself out of this hole, because nobody else can, or will! LEAST OF ALL HIM!! Link to post Share on other sites
misty12 Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 I am in the exact same situation, minus the kids. I think what it comes down to is you just have to make a choice. There is no guarantee that either choice is the right one. The mediator I met with told me in all her experience working with couples who are divorcing, rarely do both parties want the divorce, so you'll be waiting forever if you are expecting him to eagerly jump on the bandwagon with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadcherry Posted November 29, 2014 Author Share Posted November 29, 2014 Thanks for being blunt, it's funny cause I'd probably give someone else that advise but I'm not doing it myself.. I am surprise and comforted to know others are in the same situation even though I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
DSP Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Cherry, You better be prepared for the worst. You may get into therapy and realize you have unresolved issues. Call a marriage counselor and set up your first appointment. Since you have children you need to do everything in your power to make it work. Books won't do much if your spouse won't listen. It's easy to spin things around and not admit to fault. Tell your husband that you are cooking dinner for just you two. Be there and no excuses. None. Be there or he will regret it. Don't joke about it and don't let on how serious it will be. Get your two children out of the house for a few hours. Eat dinner with him and speak to him. When the time is right look him dead in the eye and tell him you are unhappy. Very unhappy in this marriage. It doesn't matter who's fault it is. You both need a third party mediator to even the playing field when speaking to each other. You feel that neither of you are seeing things clearly and you both need another person to project these things properly. Tell him that if he does not go to marriage counselling with you to fix this marriage then you will go by yourself. Tell him this may not end well. Tell him you do not want this marriage to end, but it cannot continue in the manner it is. This is no longer a happy union that it was meant to be. Don't talk about specific problems or issues you are having. Don't talk about how he doesn't listen to you or respect your feelings. You will just waste time. No matter what he does or says reiterate that you are going to marriage counseling with or without him. You are unhappy in this union and feel it is broken. This could end bad for everyone involved, but you cannot continue going forward the way you are. Finish dinner and leave. Pick up your children and bring them home. When you get back tell him when the first appointment is and he has a choice either show up and work on fixing this with you or don't and be prepared for the worst. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
slizl Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 I would suggest bullet points. When my ex used to discuss her problems with me, I literally didn't understand what she was saying. She would talk in circles for hours trying to explain. I guess I only understand things that are very direct. For example: - You don't pick up after yourself - I need help with the laundry - You spend too much money on toys This is what I and probably other men understand. Short, sweet and direct. It is hard to mis interpret this list. Women talk too much about feelings and how things make them feel which causes me to shut down. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 I would suggest bullet points. When my ex used to discuss her problems with me, I literally didn't understand what she was saying. She would talk in circles for hours trying to explain. I guess I only understand things that are very direct. For example: - You don't pick up after yourself - I need help with the laundry - You spend too much money on toys This is what I and probably other men understand. Short, sweet and direct. It is hard to mis interpret this list. Women talk too much about feelings and how things make them feel which causes me to shut down. OK then: You need to re-think your attitude to women.You need to understand we need to speak like this.We're emotional creatures: Get over it.If you made the effort to listen, you probably would know that shutting down is not a good option.You shut down? We give up, because we feel ignored.You ignore us? Be prepared for the single life, then. How was that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 I would suggest bullet points. When my ex used to discuss her problems with me, I literally didn't understand what she was saying. She would talk in circles for hours trying to explain... Women talk too much about feelings and how things make them feel which causes me to shut down. ...and that is why she is your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 I think the bullet points are a good idea. You have to keep it simple for men; they get confused. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Richiebuoy Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 I think the bullet points are a good idea. You have to keep it simple for men; they get confused. We're only confused by women like you Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadcherry Posted December 3, 2014 Author Share Posted December 3, 2014 The problem with bullet points is that even if he did all the things I list I'm not sure of my feelings towards him anymore.. I wish it was that easy.... Plus he is really good at doing the thinks I ask like doing things around the house for a while then it just stops. I'm tired of spelling everything out to him, I feel like he is another one of the children... Also now I have adult sons I can't just blame our situation on him being male and us not understanding each other because my sons on a lot of occasions are more mature and thoughtful than my husband is, he says it because I have raised them with love, and I get that, but he has been a part of that love for 15 years and is still unable to support me in so many ways. Link to post Share on other sites
rat1687 Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 Cherry, You are getting some real good advice her. I am at similar crossroads in my marriage right now. I have communicated my feelings very well. I have sought counseling both together and apart. She is always asking for "one more chance". I know that it is incredibly hard to make that final decision to leave. Just know in your heart that you have done everything you could... then make the decision to leave. It is easier said than done I know. Just know you are not alone in your situation! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sadcherry Posted December 3, 2014 Author Share Posted December 3, 2014 Thanks rat1687, it has been extremely helpful getting so much feedback from everyone, sometime it's hard to see clearly for yourself but deep down I know these things too. I am currently away from home on a holiday with just one of my children and intend to do exactly what you have suggested when I get home, but leave the guilt out of it. Thank you everyone ? I will let you all know how things go... Link to post Share on other sites
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