MarsVolta Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 I have this problem I am trying to overcome and I need a lil help here. For the past years since I started dating probably around the age of 17 till now 24, I have a problem with getting into a relationship...getting too clingy....and then getting comfy in the relationship I start to push the other person away! I dont even know why I am doing it? I am so attached to my bf, i love him with all of my heart.. but for some reason I like to feel sorry for myself, and its almost like I try to set myself up for Hurt coz deep down inside I always feel that my new bf will be like my last. For example, like im in a LDR right now and my bf swears he is loyal and faithful to me as I am him. He is 100% honest with me and never hides anything. He says he watches porn once in a while because I am far... but he is imagining its me and him and doesnt feel anything for the pornstars. Its just a way 2 empty i guess. Or something lol. Anyhow.. When I heard that I started to feel my past wounds opening up again...I acted like I DIDNT CARE that he watched it even THOUGH I DO! He asked me upfront to tell him if it bothered me and he would ditch it for good because he doesnt want to lose me at any cost... BUTI almost was like TELLING him to watch it just so I could have an exuse to be like ur just like all the other guys... I even sent him sexy pictures of models, even tried to introduce my hot looking friends. This has been going on with me for years. And ultimately I DO end up alone in the end. My last boyfriend...before this one... I did the same thing. I downloaded sexy women pics on his pc and then asked him dumb questions like would u do her, should i dress like her ...what do u think of her makeup etc...then id get all depressed somedays and complain about myself ie. (im ugly, why do u wanna go out with me when u can go out with someone like HER...) and in the end he abandoned me and never talked to me again. Its not that im ugly either i have been offered positions modeling for catalogs, do lots of black and white photography for art shows, my personality shines brighter then a diamond......but the thing is Its almost like im telling these guys if u like the porn and chicks on tv so much wtf do u want with me? I dont measure up. They can say i am beautiful, cute, pretty till they are black and blue in the face. I DONT hear them :-( Even my family can say im beautiful, i dont hear them. I only hear whats in my head. I want to be sad and depressed and alone coz its what ive felt for so long in my life and im only 24. Do i have a psychological problem? Is it lack of self esteem/insecurity issues? I dont want to be all alone to be perfectly honest, im very happy in my relationship its just ive done this game with every guy i had. I even pulled **** on my parents too. Tried pushing my mom away into another man's arms after she divorced my dad so i could tell her i knew u didnt love me or dad anymore mom u love your date (I was 10). Whats WRONG with me!!!!! Is this normal, has anybody been thru this? Help Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Sounds like you have some deep rooted issues from childhood that haven't been resolved yet. Have you tried counseling for this? Maybe they can help you learn how to deal with things better, find some kind of closure on things from way back so you can move forward in your life and relationships. Insecurity comes from many things and when not properly delt with they will spill over into every part of our life and can ruin relationships even when we don't want them to, sometimes not even knowing that we are doing it. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
fundamental Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Originally posted by JadeStar Sounds like you have some deep rooted issues from childhood that haven't been resolved yet. Have you tried counseling for this? Maybe they can help you learn how to deal with things better, find some kind of closure on things from way back so you can move forward in your life and relationships. Insecurity comes from many things and when not properly delt with they will spill over into every part of our life and can ruin relationships even when we don't want them to, sometimes not even knowing that we are doing it. Jade I agree with JadeStar. I will also say that at least you are taking a step and acknowledging your behavior. All people have some sort of insecurity issue--some more intense than others. Now that you are able to think through and recognize your problems, you can attempt be get better. I have had a few gfs in the past that have had major insecurity issues similar to yours. I used to think that I wasn't doing something right; not giving enough attention; not showing her how much I cared or loved her; I even thought I could be the one to help them realize that they shouldn't be insecure. I realized that I also had some insecurites and that I was responsible for my own insecurity as former gfs were for their own. So, what you must realize is that you are not alone. You will get better and you will look back at this time and think "Wow, I can't believe I was so insecure." Finding a good counseler to help you deal with these issues is probably the best thing. Everything WILL eventually get better. Link to post Share on other sites
very-confused-girl Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 MarsVolta, I feel for you. I do have kind of similar issue. I think it is a self-esteem issue, you have a problem with self-worth. Most likely it is related to something that happened in your childhood, your self-esteem and confidence was dropped at the time where children need to be getting appreciation at most. My mother is an alcoholic and anytime she was drunk, she was very rude, knocking me down, telling me I was ugly, stupid... I wanted to prove her otherwise, took effort and studied with straight A´s, started doing modeling etc... But I also DONT hear when people are giving me compliments. It only works for the first minute or so but then I fall into the same mode again. You have to be repeating to yourself that your boyfriends is with you because he WANTS to. He could have gone and be with somebody else but he has chosen YOU because of the qualities you have. Everyday stand in front of the mirror, look at yourself and try to tell yourself: "I am pretty, I am inteligent, I like myself". You have to accept yourself and once you do it you are prepared to be able to be involved emotionally with other people without having this self-esteem issue, that is ruining your relationships. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
MarsVolta Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Thank you all for your support. Coincidently, I just wrote a research paper for my english class too, on cognitive behavioral distortion, a symptom of depression. I read a book called "feeling good" by dr. david burns and it talks a lot inside about people who act like me. Im GLAD im not alone in this regard. I guess the hardest thing is that i am in a LDR with this man and i cant sit down and talk all of this out eye2eye. I will be visiting him next month though and I think that would be the perfect time to sit and talk about my feelings, why i do things that i do and im Sure he will want to help me through it as Ive helped him overcome many issues as well. I also think a big part of this has to do with 'that time of the month' coz usually the week or so before i start...... i get these symptoms hardcore of bein insecure, feelin sorry for myself and gloomy...then i play those silly insecure games on my bf.....and yet when its all over with .. i feel confident, my self esteem is up and i amaze my bf .. ill go shoppin and buy a sexy outfit, ill cook everyone a fantastic dinner... help anyone and everyone i know with whatever they need.... I talked to doctors about this and they just want to feed me anti depressants but i do not want them because i dont like to be hyper and dizzy, or drowsy and sedated. The side effects scare me. Im very relieved to know I am not alone. My ex bf before my current made me feel worse about myself bcause he had really no prior relationship experience, therefore he didnt understood why i acted that way and thought that other girls 'didnt' so he didnt see why i was acting that way. One thing that does really help me is.. Ice cream and that sounds real good right now! Thx everyone Link to post Share on other sites
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