My First Everything: long distance relationship

[DavidHa]

I'm not sure how to go about explaining everything, i'm sure lot's of strange stories have been posted here, i feel mine might be one of them. I'm sorry if its too long, for me there is a lot that is important to say, it may not be relevant but i tried to separate it into parts.

 

Back story:

She is my first love, literally. I'm 22 and she is much older than me. We met online playing games around July 2013, she was the one who messaged me. We didn't know anything about each other at first, we just talked and played everyday and then after a month or so we revealed more personal information, but we already had taken a liking to each other. She did try to break up with me early on because the age difference worried her, but i insisted. Basically i stated that it isn't right to end it, if that was the only reason why. Needless to say i don't care about age, i loved her for her. She was the first one to say "i love you" because i would make her smile and laugh and i obviously said it back. And so we officially said we were in a long distance relationship. I visited her for Christmas that same year, i stayed there for about three weeks. It was my first time being with someone and so i ended up making several mistakes. I did not make a good first impression. After about two weeks we almost broke up, but we resolved it. I went back home some days later and we went back to playing everyday like always. For Valentines i wrote her a poem, about my visit and gaming life and other silly things. She told me it was the first poem anybody has written for her and she loved it. I bought her a necklace for her birthday, it was cheap but meaningful (had to do with her name). She also liked that. She didn't want me spending too much money on things for her but later when her headset broke, i bought her and expensive wireless surround sound gaming headset. She was a bit mad but when she tried them on, it was like nothing else she had experienced and she said she would use them everyday and treasure them forever. They are the same ones i own. Those were some precious memorable things i did for her among other smaller moments.

 

Problems:

Not everything was perfect of course, we would get into arguments and she would ignore me for some days, turned off her cell and not reply to anything anywhere. I would make the same dumb mistakes just about always, i would call her many times, mostly because i was angry that she was ignoring me, we've spoken about it several times. And then i would message her saying how much i love her, i would put all the blame on myself and apologize constantly. I made her mad enough a few times that she would insult me repeatedly and saying she would physically hurt me, she would let out all her rage on me. I didn't ever insult her back, i knew i had made her angry and i would let her vent. She would eventually speak to me after a week. We talked about the problem once or twice and resolve it. The rest of the times, she didn't want to talk about anything, she said she only wanted to play and forget about everything else. If i wouldn't drop it, she would go back to ignoring me and so i would let it go. I've read articles online and i know now that not everything is my fault, but i see all the mistakes i made countless times. Mostly i became very clingy, i saw that we had lost that spark we once had and I tried everything i could to bring us back to how it was when we first met. I only accomplished to make things worse and worse, and ultimately caused our separation.

 

The Break Up:

For me, this officially happened yesterday, Nov 28 2014. But it began two months ago on Sept 16. We were playing, i had just gotten off work and was tired. After a while she noticed that i was in a bad mood and wasn't talking at all, i would only answer her with a yes or no. She got upset and unplugged her microphone later on, i saw it and decided not to move at all, when she saw that i was inactive she quit the game. I called her and we got into an argument. She said i always turn into a different person when i'm tired. She turned her phone off and ignored me. But this time it went on for more than two months until just yesterday when she called me. During all that time i continued the same routine of calling and messaging, desperately begging for attention. Very often at first and then less frequently as i lost hope. There is a reason for why i didn't give up. Yesterday i decided to do something that i knew would get her attention even though it was very wrong. I threatened to tell her family if she did not respond or delete me from her friends list by the end of the month. Our relationship has been kept a secret from both our families. Neither of us use Facebook but her family does so i searched for their accounts. She never told me their full names but i found them, and sent her a message with a name list. She called me furiously within a couple hours, i wasn't expecting it. I honestly believed she would have just finally deleted me with no other response of any kind and that would have been it. She told me that I was desperate, pathetic and a stalker. I asked her why didn't she say something or delete me a long time ago, but all she said to that was "i don't care about friends or any of that, you want me to delete you? i'll do it right now" and "I don't answer anything, i block my profile, can't you take a hint?" She said many other things. In the end told me not to call her or message her ever again "please, i'm begging you." And that was it. I was never planning to say anything to her family, i only wanted to finally get an official response.

 

The 2 month wait:

The reason i waited so long was because she did not delete me from her friends list or say anything directly to me about breaking up the entire time. She had blocked her status but not her activities and i could see she was playing daily. She later blocked that too but i would see her score going up on the leaderboards. She never made any new friends, so fortunately i never went crazy with jealousy, that would have probably happened. Her phone was turned off for about 3 weeks straight, i called often at first and then less frequently as i lost hope. It would take me straight to her voice mail, i thought i was blocked. When she finally left it on i would call and it would ring, but when i tried later she had turned it off once more, this happened several times. I would try at least once a week and the same thing occurred. After almost a month she unlocked her status and i would see her online. I managed to join her game a couple times, but after it ended she would go offline again. After a week she blocked it again. I wrote her 3 more poems thinking that would help but i got no answer. From then on i would send her messages every now and then telling her that i love her and i broke down a few more times. I would send messages where i was insulting myself, admitting to being a creep, stalker, delusional and worthless. I asked her several times to delete and she wouldn't hear from me again, but until i threatened to tell her family she never did anything. There were other little thing that i foolishly took as hints or signs that she still loved me, i'm not certain if they were real or fake.

 

After the fact:

I didn't feel very depressed after she hung up, probably because for the past couple months I've teared myself up over and over again that I've learned to control myself. But i did get a sharp pain inside, i was also angry because we had raised our voices and i wasn't able to speak to her calmly. I also did message her eldest brother on facebook, asking him to please check up on her and that i would explain why if he needed me to, i haven't gotten a response yet, and i don't know what to say if do get one. The last message i sent her was "I'm sorry (name), i did only want to have one girl in my life, goodbye"

I have many saved messages on my phone and also what i said to her that made her quit ignoring me and finally react, i could provide more information on it if necessary.

 

I've been reading many articles about relationships, ignoring, communication, and how to resolve situations. I found many other personal flaws and mistakes that could have been avoided. I just found out about the No Contact Rule and that i need to learn to accept many things. I'm willing to give it more time and i see that i need to make changes in my life. I understand that i may not be able to get her back and that these changes i need to make are to better myself as a person. I would very much appreciate advice from real people and not just a book. I want to learn how to move on and not repeat the same mistakes, and perhaps be able to get her back. Do you think my situation is difficult? or does anybody have an idea on what to do, how long to wait, and what to say, ultimately that is what i want to know. This is my first break up and i didn't know how to react. I only just started to look for advice and inform myself. Thank you in advance.

 

Main Question:

From what i read the two main things are indifference and emotion (whether it be love or hate). She could have just deleted me but instead she got angry and called me, those that mean anything?

[bubbletea]

She probably didn't delete you because maybe she didn't want to let go deep down inside? It would be like an official end to the end. But I've been in a situation like yours and the other person just never removed anybody from their friends' list period. He would let them do the deleting and not care if it stayed there or not. So maybe my guess is wrong.

 

But it sounds like one of those dependant relationships, more out of habit than anything else. If she really missed you and wanted to still have something with you, she would not let the silence go on. She would be wanting to talk to you as much as you want to talk to her.

 

She might be too addicted to the game than anything else? You said she still plays daily... She might have some other issues since you mentioning her raging and physical threats. No offense but those aren't very good qualities. And you're still very young, you sound like a nice guy!

 

I have also been in a LDR that began with a game so I know how it is. Just appreciate the good times for what they were and let it go. You have a very dysfunctional situation right now and she did not want to work it out. Forget about her.

 

Btw how much older was she? Sorry it's not important, I was just curious

[DavidHa]

Over 10 years, but like i said age is not important to me. Thank you for your response, but i don't want to give up on her just yet. I'm officially starting the NC now that she has deleted me and i know that i do need to better myself and show that i don't need her but I do want her in my life. Those were the two worst months I've ever been through. I felt trapped in a waiting room, but now that i feel she has made an official decision, i feel free to move on with my life.

 

Quick update: We have had several accounts where we would pretend to be a different couple and go play against the same usual players. We would make funny gamertags and just dominate everyone. But they would catch on to us because they would see two new players and we were nowhere to be seen when they were there haha. She only deleted me from our main account. That was not all i said in the last message i sent her after she hung up, i also asked her to delete me in another account which is still active. I checked last night and this morning and she did delete someone. She had 7 friends on that account including me, yesterday she deleted one and i just checked a few minutes ago and she had deleted someone else but not me. Now she only has 5. I'm not going to talk her of course, she would probably ignore me anyway, her status is blocked there too. I don't know what is going through her mind, i find the things she does sometimes a bit silly. She has done little hints like that before, but i'm awful at deciphering a girls mind.

 

I also erased the ultimatum i had posted in my profile's bio which she was really pissed off that i did because someone else could have read it. I replaced it with a thank you message for finally giving a clear response even though i forced her to do it. All i can say is that i have hope, and i'm happy to see she is still there somewhere.

[d0nnivain]

. I made her mad enough a few times that she would insult me repeatedly and saying she would physically hurt me, she would let out all her rage on me. I didn't ever insult her back, i knew i had made her angry and i would let her vent.

 

 

The above is the most salient. Physical violence is never the solution. The 1st time she threatened this you should have walked away.

 

 

Both of you have issues. Her anger is not your fault. You being clingy is a problem. Telling her you were going to out your relationship to her family was mean. The fact that her family didn't know is a red flag to begin with.

 

 

This whole mess was dysfunctional, let it die. Move on to dating somebody more local.

[DavidHa]

She only said she would hurt me once, and it was because she said i made her look bad when were on opposite teams. We usually both do very well, but i did something that upset her and she lost her concentration and did bad.

 

When i visited her for a few weeks last year, i made her angry a few times, but she never cursed or yelled at me, only would have a serious talk with me, telling me what was making her upset. I know for a fact she is a nice person at heart, and only said those things because she was speaking over the phone, or so i hope

 

Getting family involved is wrong, i was well aware of that. I was never planning to say anything in the first place. I only knew that it would definitely get her attention. I had been waiting without any answer for too long and i had wanted to do that since weeks ago. I have always been the more decisive one, and i would often have to persuade her to do something or try something new.

 

So i sent her the threatening message, but i gave her the option of simply deleting me and i wouldn't do anything or bother her ever again. That is what i expected to happen and all that i wanted at that point, but she called me.

 

I came here for advise on how to get her back. Not immediately of course. I'll give it some time, while i clear my mind and gain a new perspective on things. I don't want comments only telling me to move on, of course you can mention it, but please don't let it be your only suggestion.

Edited November 30, 2014 by DavidHa