AbigailArcane Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 (edited) Hi..looking for some advice... There's a guy friend of mine I've known for years. We met when we were both single. I was very attracted to him. We hung out, messed around, but never had sex. I thought it was odd because I was willing, and he seemed somewhat uncomfortable. He loved doing sexual stuff on webcams, texts, etc..but in person...maybe a bit shy? We remained friends and stopped the flirting when we both got in relationships. He got engaged. One day I get a text his engagement was off and he said he wanted me to know. I offered support and wished him well. He never told me exactly what happened. Eventually they did marry and had a baby. We kept in touch here and there. I would get texts from him asking how I was? How was my relationship? I always said fine and didn't think much of it. After 5 years my relationship ended. The day my relationship status changed on FB...he pursued me. Told me his marriage was not doing well...he'd be divorced soon. He told me he wanted to have an affair with me. I have a history of being the other woman. I'm not a bad person. It just works for me. I was flattered by what he said and told him so but told him I needed time to myself after my breakup. We started chatting and texting all the time. Things got very sexual in our talks. My life has been stressful. Besides the breakup -- which should have happened sooner -- I changed careers and I've been having anxiety issues. Our communication was a great escape. He kept saying he wanted to see me. Finally I said OK let's do it. We planned a day and he backed out with a lame excuse. I wasn't upset. I thought maybe he felt guilty. I didn't want him to sleep with me if he'd regret it. I wasn't out to ruin his marriage. I also think he's more talk. All of the online webcam stuff he likes to do..he's more comfortable with. We planned a couple more meetings and he had to cancel. Finally we met up. We had an incredibly hot encounter. He has a fetish that he confided in me and I told him I was open to it. Nothing weird or sick...just something done might not be into. We had a great time. Our plan was to only do certain things and not have actual sex right away. That changed quickly and we had unprotected sex, something I don't normally do. He was as turned on as I was and it was incredible. The unprotected sex thing bothered me though. I told him...not because of jealousy but because of safety are you sleeping with anyone else? He denied it. Told me incredible things about how he enjoyed everything and wanted to see me again. A few days ago I did some looking around online and found stuff that showed he's interacting sexually online with others..related to his fetish...in person? Don't know. Doubt it since it took so long for us to finally meet up again. I had to ask him again. When he didn't respond right away I did something out of character -- I have been drama free with him. I got a little upset and said well your silence tells me the answer. I told him I wished him well but I was done. He responds with you're the only one but if that's what you want OK. So I said OK bye. He unfriended me on FB. It hurt. I never commented on his stuff or even liked many pics or posts. So he didn't do that because he was afraid I'd go off. I think it was his way of telling me off...showing me for saying no more. I turned into the chick I'm not and texted him with..wow you unfriended me? At the very least I want to be your friend. Told him I guess I wanted him to say no...no one else...can't wait to see you soon. He responded all was good that he just needs time. Things going on with His wife and kid. Said he would talk to me later. That was three days ago. Heard nothing. Hasn't refriended me. Miss him. We were in contact daily. I realize he's getting more from me than I am from him...I should have the power here. I just want to get things back on track. Can't get him off my mind. Our encounter was intense and everything he said told me he loved it too. I'm going to just not try to contact him at all -- and that's tough. Maybe in a week text him. Its so lame that I'm so hurt over the unfriending thing. Kind of going insane thinking about all this. Any insight? Sorry for typos... Tough to type all this on my phone. Edited November 30, 2014 by AbigailArcane Link to post Share on other sites
howcouldInotknow Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Sounds like you miss the escape more than you actually miss him. If you like your life to be drama free pursue someone else. He sounds like drama 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Get yourself tested for STDs Poppy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Sounds like you are way more into him than he is to you. You were looking for more of an emotional connection, he wanted sex. I say this cause you reacted so much from being unfriended on social media. If you never "liked" his stuff or posted, who cares if he unfriends you? Leave him be. If he wants to be in contact, he will be. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 He is married and cheating on his wife. Not only with you but probably others. Why is it OK for you to help him cheat on his wife and have unprotected sex, but you're not OK that he is possibly sleeping with other OW? I just want to get things back on track. Can't get him off my mind. Our encounter was intense and everything he said told me he loved it too. He love "it", meaning the sex. Many men are very capable of having great and intense sexual experiences with no emotions involved, they can separate love and sex. You having sex with him was just that, sex. You like him and have some feelings for him - Stop and let him go. You deserve so much more than to be second or third fiddle! He's married and has no intention of getting serious with you. The minute you showed too much interest, he ran off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AbigailArcane Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 Thanks for the replies. I really was OK with it bring physical. I just valued our friendship too... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Thanks for the replies. I really was OK with it bring physical. I just valued our friendship too... Friendship is gone. Once you (general you) cross the line from platonic to something else, it changes and things can get weird. The innocence is gone from it. I have a history of being the other woman. I'm not a bad person. Of course you're not a bad person. But, I think you've made some not so good choices for yourself that have left some scars and hurt you, given you a certain mindset of what you feel you deserve. Thrive for more than dating a MM. Reach higher! Aim for a great single guy who can give ALL of himself to you, not just bits and pieces on his time frame. Are you truly happy with your life and how things are? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AbigailArcane Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 I'm not happy currently. My new career is tough and affecting my happiness. Honestly the best thing is being single. My last relationship had me very unhappy for a long time. I guesswhile I don't want a relationship, I want more than sex as in...someone to desire me and this left me feeling low. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 I think you're just obsessing. You might not have enough of your own activities and interests to keep you occupied enough while he is doing his thing. You don't sound like the needy type but it seems you're feeling like one. You might want to look into getting some hobbies, making new friends, going out with people IRL. There also may be something about this guy that makes people turn into Psycho Girl, and that may be what you are feeling. I've noticed that about some people I have known, that happens to me with them but not with others. What is it that is disordered about him that you are reflecting back? When you reflect back someone's crazy to them, they can't handle it, so they go away until you stop reflecting that. As long as you're reflecting back their goodness or are neutral, they want to be with you. You've gotten an intimate glimpse of this guy, now what will you do with it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AbigailArcane Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 I really appreciate your responses. The truth is I have a lot of interests. He and I are both kind of pop culture nerds. I have a lot of friends. I have other guys interested in me. You're right...I'm not needy. But I'm human. I guess deep down I know this is his loss. I'm a pretty awesome other woman if I do say so myself...probably not something to be proud of. I've just never been someone who wants someone around all the time, hence the reason my last relationship failed. This guy's fetish...if that's even the right word...is what had me freaked out so much about the unprotected sex and led to what I found online. I may be better off. It just doesn't feel that way right now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author AbigailArcane Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 And yes..definitely obsessing. Feeling really down. I just wonder if he thinks about me at all. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 And because you are obsessing and wondering if he is thinking if you, you are too emotionally invested. Why are you a repeat mistress? Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 People on here saying you're not a bad person for knowingly being the OW. Really? Yes you are a bad person. You are doing one of the worst things one person can do to another. You are being a very bad person. The good news is people can change from a bad person to a good person! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 And yes..definitely obsessing. Feeling really down. I just wonder if he thinks about me at all. Oh boy, you're hooked. Link to post Share on other sites
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