Leave or stay? Been wrestling for a while now...

[Cpjunk31]

I've been married to my wife for 6 years and been together with her for 12 years...

 

We met in college and hit it off great... We spent almost every minute together... I even did an extra semester of college to stay next to here...

 

When I left the next semester I drove back and forth to see her just about every weekend... She moved in with me after the following year and transferred schools and we've been together since...

 

When she first moved in I had a studio apt and handled all the finances since I was there already and she was in school... Eventually we moved to a 1 bedroom apt... At this point I was still covering all the finances and she was working part time to help with school...She had a few jobs here and there it nothing steady... Soon after we had our 1st of 2 kids... She wasn't able to work obviously so she was home with the child for a year, while trying to find work... I kept handling the finances while she was home... We got married about a year after the 1st kid and were expecting a 2nd child during the wedding...

 

At this point we have two kids, I'm handling all the finances and she is home with the kids... This is what it is... We eventually moved to a better neighborhood and place with more financial responsibility and I again am handling everything...(rent, ultilities, food, clothes, entertainment, baby stuff... Everything)... Eventually she gets a job again and this is where things start to change... First I am still handling all of the finances becuase her job can only cover day care for the kids... But I start to notice that she starts to dress extremely nice when going to work but comes home and I get the scraps(hair scarf, baggy clothes, etc)... I've told her about this when I could and it would change for a week, but go back to being the same a week later... One night I refused to go out with her because she was going to leave out with a scarf and sweats... During all this time we both have gained weight and we both started to make changes to lose weight... I've been athletic most my life so it wasn't major for me to lose weight and she was working out trying to lose weight... Her weight hadn't majorly bothered me prior, but I alerts felt she could be smaller, so when tie stage hit us, I encouraged her tremendously... We both lost a good amount of weight and it made our relationship even better... We were more flirtatious and sex was better... Eventually though, she stopped cold turkey, I kept going and she would not get back on track for nothing... No matter how much I encourage her... Eventually the weight jumped back on her and I started to really get mad at her... I never wanted to make her feel like she needed to lose weight becuAse I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but it showed... As a result sex started to become a job and the flirting stopped... But we still managed... At this point she started to push for us to get a house, I pushed off on this for 3 years because I was still providing all of the financial support... at this point she's been in and out of work... So after a while we find a house and I go thru the process and we get the house... This is where things start to fall apart from my side... Obviously buying a house is a huge financial move and I financed ALL OF IT... Like majority of our relationship... I wasn't even excited at closing... As we start to settle in the house things really start to bother me that haven't bothered me majorly in the past 11 years... #1 was finances... I looked at my situAtion and realized that while I have a home for my family, my wife has not contributed to not only this purchase, but to anything in our entire relationship... # 2 was weight, she gained all the weight back and was not motivated at all to lose it, she even went back to giving me scraps when I came home... # 3 sex became more and more of a chore... She wood not initiate or dress up when I asked her #4 was sports, I haven't mentioned this previously but I'm big I to sports and she has NEVER taken a serious attempt at trying to get into it, which cuased a lot of fights thru the years... She missed out on tons of quality time with me and the kids due to this.... A little into a month in the house I literally check out with these 4 reasons being the catalyst.... She sensed things were off and asked me if everything was ok... I told her yes as to avoid conflict... She wasn't easy to tell things too...so we went thru the motions for 6 months... I wasn't interested at home and there was nothing that was going to change it... I was going out late and hanging out with friends more...

 

Fast forward 6 months and I meet a woman at work and as u can possibly guess, she is a lot of what I am not getting at home... She is fit and athletic (a former athelte)... I knew from the moment I say her that I was very interested in her... So I pursued her and started an affair that I'm not neccesarliy proud of, but I knew what I wanted... Fast forward 8 months and I'm still involved with this woman and I am really thinking of leaving my wife for her... I managed to tell my wife about this woman but my wife wants to work it out... I go to therapy to discuss things with a independent party and the therapist convinced me to tell my wife...

 

In my heart, I want to see what it is with the other woman, me and her have a very good relationship and believe that we can be more... The problem is that I am Married( of course)...

 

I've gone back and forth about what to do for 4 months now...

 

I can see myself with this other woman clearly, but I don't want to lose my house or my kids... I can live with not being with my wife as long as I have the kids and house... I recently asked her to move out also... Not sure how that will go...

 

I'm hoping that anyone can give their thoughts...

[GirlStillStrong]

You put your entire marriage, home, children, and family in jeopardy because you didn't want to tell her what you should have told her, in order to avoid conflict? And now you've gone and basically tossed your wife out with the garbage and chosen someone else because she is athletic and not fat?

 

My opinion is you need to come down from whatever planet you have been living on and get yourself into therapy so you can learn how to deal with reality instead of living in this fantasy world where non-athletic people who have birthed children enjoy working out and watching football. Do YOU go mall shopping with her and go to the hair salon and get your nails done with HER twice a week? You sound like a typical selfish, self-centered, American man who thinks he is entitled to have whatever he wants whenever he wants it, just because he gets up and goes to work in the morning. You need to cut the crap, playing around with the non-wife jock woman, and get your ass and your wife into marriage counseling so you can learn how to TALK TO HER, tell her where she is failing you, own up to where you have failed her, and work out a plan to save your family. Your poor little children! And let me tell you, ANY WOMAN who opens her legs to a married man with small children is a self-centered, narcissistic loser.

[GirlStillStrong]

Oh and by the way, THE CHILDREN'S MOTHER will probably get custody of the children because you will be out playing rugby with your GF, which means THE CHILDREN'S MOTHER will get the house, not you. AND you will have to pay for it, pay her alimony, and pay child support. In addition to that you will have to find and pay for your own place, separated from not just your wife but your children.

[Cpjunk31]

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can see myself with this other woman clearly, but I don't want to lose my house or my kids... I can live with not being with my wife as long as I have the kids and house...

 

On what basis would the courts decide she's an unfit parent and give you sole custody ??? A more normal outcome would be joint custody with you continuing to provide financial support for her and the kids. You may well be faced with supporting two households for many years to come...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Molly Hooper]

You put your entire marriage, home, children, and family in jeopardy because you didn't want to tell her what you should have told her, in order to avoid conflict? And now you've gone and basically tossed your wife out with the garbage and chosen someone else because she is athletic and not fat?

 

My opinion is you need to come down from whatever planet you have been living on and get yourself into therapy so you can learn how to deal with reality instead of living in this fantasy world where non-athletic people who have birthed children enjoy working out and watching football. Do YOU go mall shopping with her and go to the hair salon and get your nails done with HER twice a week? You sound like a typical selfish, self-centered, American man who thinks he is entitled to have whatever he wants whenever he wants it, just because he gets up and goes to work in the morning. You need to cut the crap, playing around with the non-wife jock woman, and get your ass and your wife into marriage counseling so you can learn how to TALK TO HER, tell her where she is failing you, own up to where you have failed her, and work out a plan to save your family. Your poor little children! And let me tell you, ANY WOMAN who opens her legs to a married man with small children is a self-centered, narcissistic loser.

 

Oh and by the way, THE CHILDREN'S MOTHER will probably get custody of the children because you will be out playing rugby with your GF, which means THE CHILDREN'S MOTHER will get the house, not you. AND you will have to pay for it, pay her alimony, and pay child support. In addition to that you will have to find and pay for your own place, separated from not just your wife but your children.

 

Okay - this response sounds a little angry - I agree with some of what your saying, but it is so clouded by name calling that it's hard to tell.

 

I don't think he sounds like a selfish, self-centered, American man who can just get whatever he wants. If he were such, he'd have been out a long time ago. He expressed much more than just the weight thing, though that seemed to have struck a cord with you. You realize he handled nearly ALL of the finances in this relationship right? Super self-centered... definitely sounds like a selfish person...

 

Physical attraction is important. If to him (or anyone), that is being fit, then there is nothing he can do about it. I don't like super muscular guys. I just don't. I guess I'm a huge jerk for not finding it attractive, but physical attraction is a huge part of ANY relationship. Also, he seemed pretty okay with it when she was working with him to both get in shape - while it may have been easier, what you missed here is that he was a teammate and was encouraging her... not simply belittling her in an effort to change.

 

-- Now to the OP.

 

You did make a mistake. You clearly had a ton of things bothering you and your wife asked you directly. That was your chance to have a serious conversation with her about some major issues that were obviously SO IMPORTANT that they could cause irreparable damage to your relationship.

 

You didn't say anything way wrong.

 

There is nothing you can do about that now, so instead of berating you about decisions already made, lets focus on where to go from here.

 

You say that this new woman seems like a lot of what you were missing at home - but thinking back to your wife 12 years ago... was she that person? It's easy to focus on a new person as an ideal, but you found that in your wife once as well.

 

However... you also seem perfectly content with ending the relationship - as long as you're able to have your children and your home.

 

While that wont happen (maybe an even split of custody... maybe), the thing I am wondering is why. It seems your wife is now acutely aware of the severity of the issue at hand and is willing to work on it. Are you so checked out that you think it is completely irreconcilable?

 

If you think there is even a small chance you can find something with her (and about her specifically) to anchor to and build off of... then I couldn't imagine why you'd throw everything away.

 

However, if you truly cannot see a future with her at all going forward, then it's time to look into divorce and custody arrangements. I don't think it will look good for you as far as the house or the children - and like the poster above said, depending on your prenup, you may likely be paying alimony as well. But if you can't bear the thought of a future with your wife anymore, you have to move on.

 

While it may not be the case, you should also be prepared to accept that this other woman may likely change down the road as well... as most people, including you and your wife, do in life.

[GirlStillStrong]

I don't want to hijack the thread but I want to explain myself because I was harsh but I have reasons and think this is important. Yes, the issue of BS's weight struck a chord with me, but not because of what you may think. I am NOT overweight, never have been, am physically fit and very active (except for recent bad injury) and attractive. Nor have I been dumped by a husband nor have children. I have, however, been on the other end as the GF of men who have separated and divorced their wives and children. And what I experienced, witnessed, and know for certain now is that the devastation this kind of behavior wreaks on people is deep and irreversible, especially to small children.

 

Contrary to what may appear, I am not a judgmental person; I live and let live. But I do have strong morals and integrity and am offended by people who harm children. So yes, I am judging this "woman" who is sleeping with a married man with small children. If they were grown and in college it would be one thing, but these children clearly are not.

 

OP, I think you know nothing about divorce and the hell it brings. You say you said NOTHING to your wife about what she is doing wrong that is making you unhappy and feel unattracted to her because you did not want conflict yet you have no problem creating tremendous conflict by starting an affair and a divorce? That makes no sense at all.

 

You spend a whole lot of time thinking about all the things wrong with HER and not once self-reflect or take accountability for the things YOU are doing wrong. If you do not open up conversation with the person you married, no one ever has the opportunity to fix anything. Spouses and children are not magazines or old junk, they are human beings which deserve attention. If you put half the attention you are spending toward your shiny new GF toward your marriage, you might have the opportunity to have a happy marriage. But it sounds to me like you have some serious personality issues where there are obstacles to doing this.

 

I recommend you at least read one book by Harville Hendrix or at least read some of his articles, and take a stab at MC, before you go and screw up your financial life and your children's heads.

[Cpjunk31]

On what basis would the courts decide she's an unfit parent and give you sole custody ??? A more normal outcome would be joint custody with you continuing to provide financial support for her and the kids. You may well be faced with supporting two households for many years to come...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

She is an good mother... I would not seek sole, but joint custody however I would seek to be the custodial parent... Me and her have spoken about this continue to speak on this as recent as last night...

 

There is no possible way that I could support two households so the simple solution is to continue to support the one I have minus her, I've been doing it for 12 years already, as harsh as that sounds... I've explained this to her as well... Otherwise the house HAS to be sold, the kids HAVE to move and they lose the one place that is solid to them...

I want to avoid that completely... I know the simple answer to that is "fix your marriage", but why if I don't want to do it anymore...

 

This is the part where I get angry because it becomes a punishment for me if I decide to leave, which in essence becomes a living tomb because I am FORCED....

[flowergirl14]

You mention finances, weight gain, kids etc as excuses for checking out and deciding to cheat. It was your decision it didn't just happen. Every couple has these same issues money, kid and health issues. The real issue is yours and maybe her lack of communication and willingness to adress these problems. I think you need to turn over every stone to try and repair your marriage. If in the end you find that it'd be better to divorce then do. I think you can find your way back to a loving and happy family. It will take work but be a lot more rewarding than the train wreck you are causing now!

[Cpjunk31]

Okay - this response sounds a little angry - I agree with some of what your saying, but it is so clouded by name calling that it's hard to tell.

 

I don't think he sounds like a selfish, self-centered, American man who can just get whatever he wants. If he were such, he'd have been out a long time ago. He expressed much more than just the weight thing, though that seemed to have struck a cord with you. You realize he handled nearly ALL of the finances in this relationship right? Super self-centered... definitely sounds like a selfish person...

 

Physical attraction is important. If to him (or anyone), that is being fit, then there is nothing he can do about it. I don't like super muscular guys. I just don't. I guess I'm a huge jerk for not finding it attractive, but physical attraction is a huge part of ANY relationship. Also, he seemed pretty okay with it when she was working with him to both get in shape - while it may have been easier, what you missed here is that he was a teammate and was encouraging her... not simply belittling her in an effort to change.

 

-- Now to the OP.

 

You did make a mistake. You clearly had a ton of things bothering you and your wife asked you directly. That was your chance to have a serious conversation with her about some major issues that were obviously SO IMPORTANT that they could cause irreparable damage to your relationship.

 

You didn't say anything way wrong.

 

There is nothing you can do about that now, so instead of berating you about decisions already made, lets focus on where to go from here.

 

You say that this new woman seems like a lot of what you were missing at home - but thinking back to your wife 12 years ago... was she that person? It's easy to focus on a new person as an ideal, but you found that in your wife once as well.

 

However... you also seem perfectly content with ending the relationship - as long as you're able to have your children and your home.

 

While that wont happen (maybe an even split of custody... maybe), the thing I am wondering is why. It seems your wife is now acutely aware of the severity of the issue at hand and is willing to work on it. Are you so checked out that you think it is completely irreconcilable?

 

If you think there is even a small chance you can find something with her (and about her specifically) to anchor to and build off of... then I couldn't imagine why you'd throw everything away.

 

However, if you truly cannot see a future with her at all going forward, then it's time to look into divorce and custody arrangements. I don't think it will look good for you as far as the house or the children - and like the poster above said, depending on your prenup, you may likely be paying alimony as well. But if you can't bear the thought of a future with your wife anymore, you have to move on.

 

While it may not be the case, you should also be prepared to accept that this other woman may likely change down the road as well... as most people, including you and your wife, do in life.

 

 

 

Thanks Molly Hooper,

 

 

I do admit that not speaking up when asked was a mistake.. At that point when asked, I was so far gone...

 

Throughout the relationship, it was always a struggle to tell her how I was feeling and if something bothered me...

 

I would normally take 2 to 3 days after the fact to tell her... Partly because I would think to myself if I had a right to feel the way I felt and also she would really make it hard to tell her anything, if I had a ounce of a problem with her then I would get verbally attacked for having a issue... So I kept quiet...

 

With the things that I outlined, I may not have told her all exactly at one time where everything boiled over, but over the years I've told her... at separate times...

 

With the finances, I understand the job market but everytime she would come home saying that I lost another job, i didn't scream on her, it bothered the hell out of me but i stayed suportive, I was covering everything anyway so it was the usual routine

 

With sex, I've told her everything that was bothering at different points and times during the relationship, and as I stated in my oringal post, it woudl change for a week then go back to the usual the next week...

 

And with sports, this has been a CONSTANT fight the entire time... She isnt into sports like I am and we have argued over my involvment in sports time after time... Major tension points are NFL sunday.. .I've ALWAYS tried to get her involved in simly watching the games with me on Sunday, even its just one game... One year, i even made a deal with her that she just needed to watch one game with me on sunday and thats it... She never went thru with it... even after I would take saturdays off from watching college to do something she wanted (provided that it didnt cost alot of money, since I was soley responible for finances)...

 

With weight, I've tried to help her as much as I could, including going with her to the gym

 

 

 

To answer your questions:

 

"You say that this new woman seems like a lot of what you were missing at home - but thinking back to your wife 12 years ago... was she that person? It's easy to focus on a new person as an ideal, but you found that in your wife once as well."

 

I do think about this, based on the 4 things I outlined, The answer is no, the only thing constant would be sex... She was never financailly independent, wasnt into sports, and was never fit... outside of those thigns, they are similar

 

 

"While that wont happen (maybe an even split of custody... maybe), the thing I am wondering is why. It seems your wife is now acutely aware of the severity of the issue at hand and is willing to work on it. Are you so checked out that you think it is completely irreconcilable?"

 

I've thought about this also, I would only look for joint custody, but I want to be the custodial parent... She is aware of the situation and is willing to work on it... Im afraid that I have gone down a route, where I would need her to be someone she is not... Sure she can get a job and actaully contribute to the building of wealth in our family, sure she can lose weight, medically or natuarlly... Sex wont possibly get any better and she will never get into sports how the other woman is... Not only will the other woman enjoy watchign a game/going to a game, but we can/have played sports together against each other which adds a different dynamic... That I know my wife will never have... its not her...

 

 

"If you think there is even a small chance you can find something with her (and about her specifically) to anchor to and build off of... then I couldn't imagine why you'd throw everything away."

 

I've been searching for this... The only reason I have not left as of yet is because of the kids...

 

 

 

"While it may not be the case, you should also be prepared to accept that this other woman may likely change down the road as well... as most people, including you and your wife, do in life."

 

I am aware of this...

[Cpjunk31]

I don't want to hijack the thread but I want to explain myself because I was harsh but I have reasons and think this is important. Yes, the issue of BS's weight struck a chord with me, but not because of what you may think. I am NOT overweight, never have been, am physically fit and very active (except for recent bad injury) and attractive. Nor have I been dumped by a husband nor have children. I have, however, been on the other end as the GF of men who have separated and divorced their wives and children. And what I experienced, witnessed, and know for certain now is that the devastation this kind of behavior wreaks on people is deep and irreversible, especially to small children.

 

Contrary to what may appear, I am not a judgmental person; I live and let live. But I do have strong morals and integrity and am offended by people who harm children. So yes, I am judging this "woman" who is sleeping with a married man with small children. If they were grown and in college it would be one thing, but these children clearly are not.

 

OP, I think you know nothing about divorce and the hell it brings. You say you said NOTHING to your wife about what she is doing wrong that is making you unhappy and feel unattracted to her because you did not want conflict yet you have no problem creating tremendous conflict by starting an affair and a divorce? That makes no sense at all.

 

You spend a whole lot of time thinking about all the things wrong with HER and not once self-reflect or take accountability for the things YOU are doing wrong. If you do not open up conversation with the person you married, no one ever has the opportunity to fix anything. Spouses and children are not magazines or old junk, they are human beings which deserve attention. If you put half the attention you are spending toward your shiny new GF toward your marriage, you might have the opportunity to have a happy marriage. But it sounds to me like you have some serious personality issues where there are obstacles to doing this.

 

I recommend you at least read one book by Harville Hendrix or at least read some of his articles, and take a stab at MC, before you go and screw up your financial life and your children's heads.

 

 

 

Thanks GirlStillStrong...you were quite harsh, but it was expected... No harm done...

 

I've actually read ALOT on the subject of Divorce and the ramification it has on children...

 

 

Books such as

"What were you thinking? by Mark Barondess

"How to divorce as friends" by Bill Ferguson

"The unexpected legacy of divorce" by Judith Wallerstien

"Stop your divorce and save your marraige" by Mary Bean

"Between Two Worlds, The inner lives of childern of divorce" by Elizabeth Marquardt

"The truth about childern and divorce" by Roberty Emery

 

I've seen a divorce lawyer, so I am aware of the process...

I also see a therapist...

 

 

Still all of this does not even remotley come to close to actaully doing it...

 

 

I may not have said something at that one exact time, but I've told her over the years... I do admit, that I should have said something at that one exact time.. but as I said in my reply to Molly Hooper, I was just checked out...

 

 

 

My queston for you, as you stated you were on the other side...

 

How many times was this the case for you if you dont mind me asking?

 

And can you elaborate more on this statement?

"what I experienced, witnessed, and know for certain now is that the devastation this kind of behavior wreaks on people is deep and irreversible, especially to small children."

 

What have you experienced, witnessed and know for certain?

[Cpjunk31]

You mention finances, weight gain, kids etc as excuses for checking out and deciding to cheat. It was your decision it didn't just happen. Every couple has these same issues money, kid and health issues. The real issue is yours and maybe her lack of communication and willingness to adress these problems. I think you need to turn over every stone to try and repair your marriage. If in the end you find that it'd be better to divorce then do. I think you can find your way back to a loving and happy family. It will take work but be a lot more rewarding than the train wreck you are causing now!

 

 

Your correct, It was my decision and it did not just happen...

 

And right now, im here looking people's take,thanks for your outlook!

[oldshirt]

Your marriage is dead IMHO. what's left now is legal and court issues. Legally your wife is entitled contact with the kids, half of marital assets and properties and she will also likely be awarded some form of spousal support.

 

The exact numbers and stipulations will be up to the lawyers to harsh out and the court to determine.

 

My point is your wife isn't going to just fade away like a fart in the wind. Thinking otherwise is simply fantasy.

 

If getting away is worth losing half the marital assets, having reduced contact with your kids and paying spousal support to her, go for it.

 

At the end of the day this is just simple cost vs benifit. If the benifits of ending the marriage are worth the costs then so be it. But thinking that that she will just walk away leaving everything behind her simply because you are done with her is delusional.

[GirlStillStrong]

Thanks GirlStillStrong...you were quite harsh, but it was expected... No harm done.

 

My queston for you, as you stated you were on the other side...

 

How many times was this the case for you if you dont mind me asking?

 

And can you elaborate more on this statement?

"what I experienced, witnessed, and know for certain now is that the devastation this kind of behavior wreaks on people is deep and irreversible, especially to small children."

 

What have you experienced, witnessed and know for certain?

 

Good, glad no harm was done. Do you mean how many relationships have I been in with men who were in the PROCESS of separating and divorcing? Or who had already done so? Or both?

 

Regarding the damage I spoke of, yes, I will expound on that but first, is there something specific you would like me to share about; are you interested in what I have seen related to the children or the adults?

 

As an aside, your wife might need to be evaluated for depression. There are deeper reasons for what you have described about her, that have nothing to do with whether or not you are compatible.

[Cpjunk31]

Your marriage is dead IMHO. what's left now is legal and court issues. Legally your wife is entitled contact with the kids, half of marital assets and properties and she will also likely be awarded some form of spousal support.

 

The exact numbers and stipulations will be up to the lawyers to harsh out and the court to determine.

 

My point is your wife isn't going to just fade away like a fart in the wind. Thinking otherwise is simply fantasy.

 

If getting away is worth losing half the marital assets, having reduced contact with your kids and paying spousal support to her, go for it.

 

At the end of the day this is just simple cost vs benifit. If the benifits of ending the marriage are worth the costs then so be it. But thinking that that she will just walk away leaving everything behind her simply because you are done with her is delusional.

 

I don't expect her to fade away... I would very much want her to be be involved with the kids... I just want to carry the primary parental responsibility...

 

The only major things are the house ... Which we had for a year... And what would occur with the kids...

[Cpjunk31]

Good, glad no harm was done. Do you mean how many relationships have I been in with men who were in the PROCESS of separating and divorcing? Or who had already done so? Or both?

 

Regarding the damage I spoke of, yes, I will expound on that but first, is there something specific you would like me to share about; are you interested in what I have seen related to the children or the adults?

 

As an aside, your wife might need to be evaluated for depression. There are deeper reasons for what you have described about her, that have nothing to do with whether or not you are compatible.

 

I'd be interested in the answers to all the questions you wrote... If your willing to share it that is....

[Mr. Lucky]

Legally your wife is entitled contact with the kids, half of marital assets and properties and she will also likely be awarded some form of spousal support.

 

The exact numbers and stipulations will be up to the lawyers to harsh out and the court to determine.

 

My point is your wife isn't going to just fade away like a fart in the wind. Thinking otherwise is simply fantasy.

 

If getting away is worth losing half the marital assets, having reduced contact with your kids and paying spousal support to her, go for it.

 

At the end of the day this is just simple cost vs benifit. If the benifits of ending the marriage are worth the costs then so be it. But thinking that that she will just walk away leaving everything behind her simply because you are done with her is delusional.

 

Bingo. There is an old line:

 

Q: Why is divorce so expensive

 

A: Because it's worth it

 

Cpjunk31, money doesn't buy happiness but you'll need to put a familial, emotional and financial price on it in order to make a decision.

 

And what would be really unfair would be deciding it's a price you don't want to pay and then spending the next 20 years beating your wife up over that choice. This one's on you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DSP]

I'm not nearly as experienced in these matters as a lot of people here are and I really don't have any solid advice for you but here is my .02 on this..

 

I can understand why you would feel to stray. You have already emotionally cheated on your wife with this woman so you feel it is easier to check out of your current situation.

 

She knows something is wrong. You owe it to her.. Yes owe it to her to sit down and talk to her and be an adult about this. Claming up, burying your head, avoiding conflict is all BS at this point. It's time to talk about the problems.

 

If you walk away you are going to irrevocably damage your children no matter how much you think you will not. They will never forget who left the union. You have no idea what your children are going to go through. Child support will be the least of your worries when your kids start having emotional, learning and behavioral issues.

 

Your wife will be so devastated that after all the begging and crying is done she is going to make you pay in spades. She will go for spousal support, child support, and any other support the court will give her.

 

You will probably lose the house. Your children will lose their home.

 

You have resentment towards your wife due to the financial responsibilities you have brought upon yourself. This is your problem not that your wife is not working, not the fact she's out of shape, not the fact that she doesn't want to watch Sports Center, not the fact that the sex sucks.

 

Tell your wife you don't find her attractive as she looks today. Crush her feelings. She doesn't know it now, but that is going to hurt her less than if you divorce her. See if she would be willing to lose weight and start working out. Don't expect a glowing response either. Do you have six pack abs? I'm sure you're going to get blasted too so be prepared. Guess what though your children still have their Mom and Dad together.

 

Tell her you feel under too much pressure with the financial responsibilities. Tell her she needs to work even if it's selling baked goods at a bake sale. Tell her this is ruining your marriage and how you feel about her. She will probably bulk at you since it was a joint decision, but at least you told her.

 

You going pro anytime soon? Watching sports to learn the newest move or get the extra scope on the line before it drops on Monday? C'mon man.. Most women don't like sports. Just like most men don't like pregnancy and motherhood. It's not what they do.

 

Man up and tell her you want sex, dirty sex, like she needs to get into it and not make it chore sex. What did you expect though? She gained weight and probably doesn't feel sexy at all. She looks in the mirror. She showers and sees herself naked. It might help if you made her feel sexy without any dress up. Make her feel like a sexy woman not a porn star that needs to satisfy you. Start in the morning with a dozen roses on the table and a note saying you can't wait to see her when you get home. Bring home dinner. Do it more than once a year.

 

Grass always looked greener didn't it? It would be in your best interest to get away from the other woman until you've handled your issues at home with your wife.

 

I'm projecting a bit since I am going through this myself as the one left behind, but with your children involved there is no excuse for not talking to your wife in a blunt form. None at all. She will listen to you, she will be hurt, she will cry, she will resent you and she will change, but the street runs both ways.

 

This simply isn't worth it.

 

It isn't worth it in any way shape or form.

 

After you have damaged everyone you've ever loved you will regret what you have done, because you haven't done everything to make this right before you walked away.

[Cpjunk31]

I'm not nearly as experienced in these matters as a lot of people here are and I really don't have any solid advice for you but here is my .02 on this..

 

I can understand why you would feel to stray. You have already emotionally cheated on your wife with this woman so you feel it is easier to check out of your current situation.

 

She knows something is wrong. You owe it to her.. Yes owe it to her to sit down and talk to her and be an adult about this. Claming up, burying your head, avoiding conflict is all BS at this point. It's time to talk about the problems.

 

If you walk away you are going to irrevocably damage your children no matter how much you think you will not. They will never forget who left the union. You have no idea what your children are going to go through. Child support will be the least of your worries when your kids start having emotional, learning and behavioral issues.

 

Your wife will be so devastated that after all the begging and crying is done she is going to make you pay in spades. She will go for spousal support, child support, and any other support the court will give her.

 

You will probably lose the house. Your children will lose their home.

 

You have resentment towards your wife due to the financial responsibilities you have brought upon yourself. This is your problem not that your wife is not working, not the fact she's out of shape, not the fact that she doesn't want to watch Sports Center, not the fact that the sex sucks.

 

Tell your wife you don't find her attractive as she looks today. Crush her feelings. She doesn't know it now, but that is going to hurt her less than if you divorce her. See if she would be willing to lose weight and start working out. Don't expect a glowing response either. Do you have six pack abs? I'm sure you're going to get blasted too so be prepared. Guess what though your children still have their Mom and Dad together.

 

Tell her you feel under too much pressure with the financial responsibilities. Tell her she needs to work even if it's selling baked goods at a bake sale. Tell her this is ruining your marriage and how you feel about her. She will probably bulk at you since it was a joint decision, but at least you told her.

 

You going pro anytime soon? Watching sports to learn the newest move or get the extra scope on the line before it drops on Monday? C'mon man.. Most women don't like sports. Just like most men don't like pregnancy and motherhood. It's not what they do.

 

Man up and tell her you want sex, dirty sex, like she needs to get into it and not make it chore sex. What did you expect though? She gained weight and probably doesn't feel sexy at all. She looks in the mirror. She showers and sees herself naked. It might help if you made her feel sexy without any dress up. Make her feel like a sexy woman not a porn star that needs to satisfy you. Start in the morning with a dozen roses on the table and a note saying you can't wait to see her when you get home. Bring home dinner. Do it more than once a year.

 

Grass always looked greener didn't it? It would be in your best interest to get away from the other woman until you've handled your issues at home with your wife.

 

I'm projecting a bit since I am going through this myself as the one left behind, but with your children involved there is no excuse for not talking to your wife in a blunt form. None at all. She will listen to you, she will be hurt, she will cry, she will resent you and she will change, but the street runs both ways.

 

This simply isn't worth it.

 

It isn't worth it in any way shape or form.

 

After you have damaged everyone you've ever loved you will regret what you have done, because you haven't done everything to make this right before you walked away.

 

 

Thanks for the response, I do appreciate it... I've told my wife everything back in august, becuase my therapist suggested...Including that there was another woman... She knows everything basically. I've also told her thru the years, all the things I've told her were not new... Except the other woman..

 

I'm worried about the kids however, always have been... I havent left yet because of them... I've told her this as well...

[GirlStillStrong]

Thanks for the response, I do appreciate it... I've told my wife everything back in august, becuase my therapist suggested...Including that there was another woman... She knows everything basically. I've also told her thru the years, all the things I've told her were not new... Except the other woman..

 

I'm worried about the kids however, always have been... I havent left yet because of them... I've told her this as well...

 

Please do not leave your children, especially if there is a little girl. You just do not know what it does. How old are they?

 

The experiences I have with children of divorce are very personal to me. I took care of every one of those children during their visitations with their fathers and did my very best to help them. I feel uncomfortable giving too many specifics on a website like this but I will try. I have seen children so distressed by the separation and divorce of their parents that their behavior became disturbed. I've seen them wipe feces on walls, threaten suicide, develop eating disorders (true disorders, treated by physicians), kicked out of elementary schools, and turn on their parents. I have witnessed children exposed to drug dealing and strange men in and out of mother's houses, and dragged out of their beds in the middle of the night because of parental drama and disturbance. Children living in a house where the parent will not buy food, children who are too afraid to leave home because they are too worried about their parent who has become devastated by the divorce. Little children taking on the responsibilities of the adult who left to try to care for the dumped parent. And these are all children of NORMAL adults, people who live next door to you, every day people who you work with.

 

But my anecdotal stories will not give you the whole picture. There are countless research studies, with verifiable findings, that will tell you what happens when parents divorce. The moment you divorce, the mathematical probability that your daughter will become pregnant before she reaches the age of 18 skyrockets. As does the probability that any son or daughter will fail to graduate from high school. They are also more likely to smoke, drink, and do drugs as teenagers than kids whose parents do not divorce. Of course there is no way to predict what will happen to your children but you can do your research and see for yourself what divorce does. For children, divorce is stressful, creates anxiety and worry, they blame themselves, they spend more time alone because the parents are not available to them, they are split between parents and shuffled around like objects, they live out of suitcases every week of their lives. They are forced to meet and often live with complete strangers, too often men of questionable character. They continuously have to take the backseat to dad's girlfriends, ignored, snubbed, put down, even hated by these women.

 

I am sorry you are not happy in your marriage but I think you owe it to yourself, your children, and your wife to give this at least one more shot. What you have done by getting involved with another woman is simply decreased the chance that you can fix this. It is a simple matter to point your finger at someone else and say "You are why this marriage will not work." It's quite a different matter to face your self and address those issues about your own self and how you contribute to the problems with your own attitudes, behaviors, and expectations. It is apparent to me that you have been and are struggling with the financial responsibilities of being husband and father. You are mad at her for not pulling her own weight, financially, this is clear. But you need to know that divorce is one of the worst financial decisions you can ever make. It takes YEARS, if not decades, to recover. Courts do not absolve you of your financial responsibility toward the spouse you have supported all these years just because you don't feel like it anymore. Take a look back at your financial decisions of the past. Have they always been as poor as the one you are considering now?

 

For what it's worth, men do not normally marry the women they are cheating with when they leave their wives. They only use the affair to further justify leaving instead of facing their ownselves. And when they do remarry, they are even more likely to divorce the second wife than they were to divorce the first. You can run but you can't hide because you are always stuck with your SELF.

[GirlStillStrong]

I'm not nearly as experienced in these matters as a lot of people here are and I really don't have any solid advice for you but here is my .02 on this..

 

I can understand why you would feel to stray. You have already emotionally cheated on your wife with this woman so you feel it is easier to check out of your current situation.

 

She knows something is wrong. You owe it to her.. Yes owe it to her to sit down and talk to her and be an adult about this. Claming up, burying your head, avoiding conflict is all BS at this point. It's time to talk about the problems.

 

If you walk away you are going to irrevocably damage your children no matter how much you think you will not. They will never forget who left the union. You have no idea what your children are going to go through. Child support will be the least of your worries when your kids start having emotional, learning and behavioral issues.

 

Your wife will be so devastated that after all the begging and crying is done she is going to make you pay in spades. She will go for spousal support, child support, and any other support the court will give her.

 

You will probably lose the house. Your children will lose their home.

 

You have resentment towards your wife due to the financial responsibilities you have brought upon yourself. This is your problem not that your wife is not working, not the fact she's out of shape, not the fact that she doesn't want to watch Sports Center, not the fact that the sex sucks.

 

Tell your wife you don't find her attractive as she looks today. Crush her feelings. She doesn't know it now, but that is going to hurt her less than if you divorce her. See if she would be willing to lose weight and start working out. Don't expect a glowing response either. Do you have six pack abs? I'm sure you're going to get blasted too so be prepared. Guess what though your children still have their Mom and Dad together.

 

Tell her you feel under too much pressure with the financial responsibilities. Tell her she needs to work even if it's selling baked goods at a bake sale. Tell her this is ruining your marriage and how you feel about her. She will probably bulk at you since it was a joint decision, but at least you told her.

 

You going pro anytime soon? Watching sports to learn the newest move or get the extra scope on the line before it drops on Monday? C'mon man.. Most women don't like sports. Just like most men don't like pregnancy and motherhood. It's not what they do.

 

Man up and tell her you want sex, dirty sex, like she needs to get into it and not make it chore sex. What did you expect though? She gained weight and probably doesn't feel sexy at all. She looks in the mirror. She showers and sees herself naked. It might help if you made her feel sexy without any dress up. Make her feel like a sexy woman not a porn star that needs to satisfy you. Start in the morning with a dozen roses on the table and a note saying you can't wait to see her when you get home. Bring home dinner. Do it more than once a year.

 

Grass always looked greener didn't it? It would be in your best interest to get away from the other woman until you've handled your issues at home with your wife.

 

I'm projecting a bit since I am going through this myself as the one left behind, but with your children involved there is no excuse for not talking to your wife in a blunt form. None at all. She will listen to you, she will be hurt, she will cry, she will resent you and she will change, but the street runs both ways.

 

This simply isn't worth it.

 

It isn't worth it in any way shape or form.

 

After you have damaged everyone you've ever loved you will regret what you have done, because you haven't done everything to make this right before you walked away.

DSP is especially right about the whole attraction thing. Do you know what carrying a child in your body does to it? Once you become pregnant, your body starts changing in ways that can NEVER be reversed. Your wife also has emotional needs that HAVE TO be met from inside the marriage; have you delivered on these? Do you even have any idea what they are? How many hours do you spend with her, focused on HER and what SHE is interested in? Women feel sexy and attractive FOR men, if that makes any sense. So if you are a dud, you make it impossible for her to feel sexy and attractive. When's the last time you TOOK HER dress shopping? Or shopping for sexy shoes? Where would you go when you'd take her out? Let me guess, out to a restaurant. Wrong place for a date. When's the last time you took her dancing? Or on a boat ride? Or doing something new and exciting? How is sitting on the couch watching football for hours supposed to help her feel more attractive, or feel you are attracted to her, or feel you even give a **** about her? Because you pay the bills? It doesn't work that way. You are 50 PERCENT of this problem. It's your job, as her spouse, to FIND OUT how you are contributing to it, and you do this by taking all your focus off your self and your wants and putting it all on HER. Just like you do with the jock woman. You will be amazed what you get back for your efforts.

[GirlStillStrong]

I'd be interested in the answers to all the questions you wrote... If your willing to share it that is....

 

Six. 6 serious, committed relationships where the man had a young child or children, 3 where he was already divorced and 3 where he was separated and in the process of divorce (these occurred when I was much younger and was completely ignorant about relationships, divorce, and its effects on children, and the role I played. It was not until I witnessed my own brother divorce his wife, the mother of his 3-year old, and what the divorce did to that child, my own flesh and blood, that I finally realized how devastating it is for them and how much it screws them up.)

[Cpjunk31]

Six. 6 serious, committed relationships where the man had a young child or children, 3 where he was already divorced and 3 where he was separated and in the process of divorce (these occurred when I was much younger and was completely ignorant about relationships, divorce, and its effects on children, and the role I played. It was not until I witnessed my own brother divorce his wife, the mother of his 3-year old, and what the divorce did to that child, my own flesh and blood, that I finally realized how devastating it is for them and how much it screws them up.)

 

Thank you for everything that you shared! I really appreciate it.

[Cpjunk31]

DSP is especially right about the whole attraction thing. Do you know what carrying a child in your body does to it? Once you become pregnant, your body starts changing in ways that can NEVER be reversed.

yes, we have two children I am aware... But I've seen her also get up and change things and then quit

 

 

Your wife also has emotional needs that HAVE TO be met from inside the marriage; have you delivered on these? Do you even have any idea what they are? How many hours do you spend with her, focused on HER and what SHE is interested in?

yes I am aware of this... She wants to be touched, held, told she is pretty, feel loved... ..I stopped when I compelelty hit the wall of having enough... When the issue of spending time came up before, I introduced days of no technology, I gave up watching football on saturdys (except big games) so that we can go out and do stuff that she wanted to do...

 

 

Women feel sexy and attractive FOR men, if that makes any sense. So if you are a dud, you make it impossible for her to feel sexy and attractive. When's the last time you TOOK HER dress shopping? Or shopping for sexy shoes?

what do u mean a dud? Whenever we go buy the kids clothes or go to the mall, I let her get soemthing she likes... Hell I even picked out stuff that she likes... It's in the closet collecting dust...

 

 

 

Where would you go when you'd take her out? Let me guess, out to a restaurant. Wrong place for a date. When's the last time you took her dancing? Or on a boat ride? Or doing something new and exciting?[/quote

 

We would go out a lot to see movies and eat... A few times I took her to shoot pool and she didn't participate.... We Actuslly spoke about this today... We went dancing maybe a year ago... Boat ride was maybe 2 years ago... We used to go to amusement parks when we had no kids but that stopped...

 

 

How is sitting on the couch watching football for hours supposed to help her feel more attractive, or feel you are attracted to her, or feel you even give a **** about her?

 

She missed out on countless hours of quality time... That's what my biggest issue is... I've told her to get with it... it's myself and the kids watching the game with her doing whatever...only recently has she "tried"... But at this point it feels forced... and I know countless woman's and other wives that enjoy such a thing... My wife isnt one and that not soemthing I can change but she could have actually tried in the 12 years that I tried to bring her along...

[GirlStillStrong]

I wrote a long reply on my phone and then lost it so I'm not too interested in writing it over. The long and short of what I said is this: I don't know your wife so I can't speak for her but it's apparent you don't want to be with a girl. You want to be with a GUY. You appear, from what you wrote, to have ZERO understanding of what makes a girl tick, so again, you are 50% of the problem. I am venturing a guess to say your children are both boys. If this is the case, having seen this before, I'd say your wife feels like a stranger in her own home. Excluded. Cast aside.

 

And this? "I let her get soemthing she likes..." is an insult. "It's in the closet collecting dust..." Really?? I wonder why (sarcasm).

 

You really have a lot to learn about women. I'd have tossed you out LONG ago.