I want her back..my self esteem is in the hole

[losinghope87]

So my ex and I were dating for a little over a year. She is 22 and I am 26.

We had our good and bad times as many couples do; however, I considered her my first love and gave her my all.

I truly believe that I treated her very well (although I was stupid during the time and we broke up about 2-3 times during the relationship as I initiated them due to myself wanting childish attention from her, but only for a few days), but towards the end our of relationship, we bickered over little things (a lot because I was jealous and hardheaded while with her and did not enjoy the fact that she would want to go out and drink every weekend - I know this is dumb as she is kind of at that age where this is normal) when one final fight ended up with me getting dumped.

About a month into NC, she contacted me and we met up. I acted "cool" and did not show her my apparent desperation. After this, we again stopped contact for another 2 weeks until one day, I broke NC. We just spoke on the phone for about an hour and we acted just as if everything was normal. During this conversation, she told me that she was planning to get back with me during that day we hung out, except I did not follow up after we hung out.

The following day, however, my friend calls me to tell me that he will be pursuing my ex and that they have been waiting to tell me at the right time.

Being the idiot that I am, I immediately start confessing my love for her and told her not to get with him and instead with me. This begging obviously did nothing but push her away.

I asked her questions like : Do you love me any more or care about me? and Do you still see me romantically in any way? She essentially responded with a no after quite some hesitation and I believe that this is due to the fact that she just wants to try something new (she chose him over me).

This happened a little less than a week ago now and I have since told her that it hurts too much to contact her any longer and that I will no longer be contacting her. She seemed quite dismayed by my saying this.

These past couple days have been bad as I have not been able to eat or get a full night's rest.

 

I guess what I'm looking for is some false sense of hope in that I would like to know how likely is it that she is just rebounding and if not, how is it that she got over me so quickly after over a year of being together? Also, this new guy has basically nothing on me in that he has no future and is serving at the restaurant that she is currently managing (he's also short, unattractive, very short-tempered, immature, and has never even been in a relationship before - he was known as the friendzone guy that fell in love with any girl that was friendly to him). I am on the fence about how to feel as I want her back at times and other times I know that she hurts me too badly that I would not want her back. Is it possible that she will come back to me at some point (although I know realistically that I would want to reject her if the time comes).

 

Sorry for the long story and thank you for the support!

Edited November 28, 2014 by losinghope87
Left out some details

[losinghope87]

would love to hear any feedback if anyone is willing. Good or bad

[losinghope87]

bump? I'm so lonely

[IfiKnewThen]

i think youre doing good with no contact. try to really stay that way ....let her reach out to you. dont contact her at this point.

 

how old is this guy at the job?

 

i know they can get to bond..spending lots of time together at work, but i dont think shes gonna end up with him.

 

i know what its like to not eat proper or sleep proper when u have disconnected with someone who has been a part of you. we get so attached and love them so much..it hurts to lose them.

 

sometimes we play games and break off with people to hope to get them to snap out of it and treat us right. i know youre young ..but i urge you to not play that game. unless youre certain you dont want to be with someone...can really be done with it, dont break up with them. even if you werent playing a game and broke it off, for your own sanity in the past....it will backfire if youre truly not ready for a break -up.

 

sometimes we dont know how much we really love a person until they are gone. i know this time she broke it off with you. and you guys did the NC thing for 2 months. but the best thing u can do at this point is stay NC with her now. let her reach out. u panicked naturally because u felt a friend (note: what kinda guy moves in on a girl u care about and want) was moving in on her. u might have sounded a little anxious. but dont worry about it. it just shows you cared. for the most part, females dont miss the guys who dont care about them. they miss the ones that did care about them. so dont worry if u showed her this better side of u. just stay no contact now. and work on yourself and getting stronger....or even over her. : ) then she will probably be back again...another time.

[losinghope87]

i think youre doing good with no contact. try to really stay that way ....let her reach out to you. dont contact her at this point.

 

how old is this guy at the job?

 

i know they can get to bond..spending lots of time together at work, but i dont think shes gonna end up with him.

 

i know what its like to not eat proper or sleep proper when u have disconnected with someone who has been a part of you. we get so attached and love them so much..it hurts to lose them.

 

sometimes we play games and break off with people to hope to get them to snap out of it and treat us right. i know youre young ..but i urge you to not play that game. unless youre certain you dont want to be with someone...can really be done with it, dont break up with them. even if you werent playing a game and broke it off, for your own sanity in the past....it will backfire if youre truly not ready for a break -up.

 

sometimes we dont know how much we really love a person until they are gone. i know this time she broke it off with you. and you guys did the NC thing for 2 months. but the best thing u can do at this point is stay NC with her now. let her reach out. u panicked naturally because u felt a friend (note: what kinda guy moves in on a girl u care about and want) was moving in on her. u might have sounded a little anxious. but dont worry about it. it just shows you cared. for the most part, females dont miss the guys who dont care about them. they miss the ones that did care about them. so dont worry if u showed her this better side of u. just stay no contact now. and work on yourself and getting stronger....or even over her. : ) then she will probably be back again...another time.

 

Thanks so much for your reply. He is my age at 26.

 

Although he is not my friend anymore, this is not what distresses me at all.

 

It is mostly what she said to me which, was when I was begging her to be with me, she told me that I should move on as well.

 

Does she mean this? I do plan to move on because the hurt is too strong I feel I would resent her anyways, but as I'm sure you know, it's quite nice holding on to some hope that she'll come back in the future.

 

Sorry for sounding blinded and jaded, but I am immaturely believing and hoping that maybe someday both she and I will change to have a second chance.

[losinghope87]

What also throws me off is that during our last conversation, she said if in the future we do get back together, she wants to be the one pursuing, not me.

[losinghope87]

So my ex and I were dating for a little over a year. She is 22 and I am 26.

We had our good and bad times as many couples do; however, I considered her my first love and gave her my all.

 

I truly believe that I treated her very well (although I was stupid during the time and we broke up about 2-3 times during the relationship as I initiated them due to myself wanting childish attention from her, but only for a few days), but towards the end our of relationship, we bickered over little things (a lot because I was jealous and hardheaded while with her and did not enjoy the fact that she would want to go out and drink every weekend - I know this is dumb as she is kind of at that age where this is normal) when one final fight ended up with me getting dumped.

 

About a month into NC, she contacted me and we met up. I acted "cool" and did not show her my apparent desperation. After this, we again stopped contact for another 2 weeks until one day, I broke NC. We just spoke on the phone for about an hour and we acted just as if everything was normal. During this conversation, she told me that she was planning to get back with me during that day we hung out, except I did not follow up after we hung out.

 

The following day, however, my friend calls me to tell me that he will be pursuing my ex and that they have been waiting to tell me at the right time.

Being the idiot that I am, I immediately start confessing my love for her and told her not to get with him and instead with me. This begging obviously did nothing but push her away.

 

I asked her questions like : Do you love me any more or care about me? and Do you still see me romantically in any way? She essentially responded with a no after quite some hesitation and I believe that this is due to the fact that she just wants to try something new (she chose him over me). In the end, she told me to move on and hope I would find someone new. Does she mean this?

 

This happened a little less than a week ago now and I have since told her that it hurts too much to contact her any longer and that I will no longer be contacting her. She seemed quite dismayed by my saying this.

These past couple days have been bad as I have not been able to eat or get a full night's rest.

 

I guess what I'm looking for is some false sense of hope in that I would like to know how likely is it that she is just rebounding and if not, how is it that she got over me so quickly after over a year of being together? Also, this new guy has basically nothing on me in that he has no future and is serving at the restaurant that she is currently managing (he's also short, unattractive, very short-tempered, immature, and has never even been in a relationship before - he was known as the friendzone guy that fell in love with any girl that was friendly to him). I am on the fence about how to feel as I want her back at times and other times I know that she hurts me too badly that I would not want her back. Is it possible that she will come back to me at some point (although I know realistically that I would want to reject her if the time comes)?

 

Sorry for the long story and thank you for the support!

[EgoJoe]

You have shown an unattractive side of yourself and now you need to be the ghost of the one who got away. If he does not compare he does not compare.

 

It could be games too. Walk away and read the message the universe gives you. Follow your dreams and let the path be revealed in time.

[losinghope87]

I feel as though my thread belongs more in the second chances section of the forum if anyone would like to help me move it

[losinghope87]

You have shown an unattractive side of yourself and now you need to be the ghost of the one who got away. If he does not compare he does not compare.

 

It could be games too. Walk away and read the message the universe gives you. Follow your dreams and let the path be revealed in time.

 

Thank you for the reply!

 

Do you think that showing this unattractive side has done permanent damage to how she sees me?

 

It just hurts me so much that she would move on to another relationship that easily and I just want my wounds healed.

 

Knowing myself, I would be too hard-headed to have her back even if she asked (due to the whole finding another guy in between) and yet, regret the decision immediately after.

 

I feel so wishy-washy not knowing what I want

[losinghope87]

I always seem to be waking up way too early and feeling like crap as she is the first thing on my mind every morning.

 

It's so annoying that every waking moment is spent thinking about her, it's nearly unbearable.

[dumbass2]

"In the end, she told me to move on and hope I would find someone new. Does she mean this?"

 

Yes and you should take it that way and move on, work on yourself and then find someone new. No way should you try to contact her again and you should ignore anything from her. you have tried and it has not work and so you can tell yourself that and have no regrets. It is what it is. It is a bad situation to get back into.

[losinghope87]

Thanks Dumbass2.

 

I am trying my best to keep a positive mindset and move on, but it's hard considering she was essentially my first love and I gave everything to her (basically treated her like a princess)

Do you think this new relationship she is having is a rebound or is she just over me that easily? It only took her two weeks to go from wanting to get back with me to giving someone else a chance..

[d0nnivain]

It was actually more than 2 weeks. The break up make up cycle is the hallmark of a dysfunctional relationship. In the last two weeks because you continued to play games, act cool, not communicate in a meaningful way, her heart finally caught up to her head & she moved on.

 

 

Very few people spend their lives with their 1st loves. You will get over her and if you are smart you will learn from the mistakes you made with her & not make them with your next GF.

 

 

Good luck.

[losinghope87]

It was actually more than 2 weeks. The break up make up cycle is the hallmark of a dysfunctional relationship. In the last two weeks because you continued to play games, act cool, not communicate in a meaningful way, her heart finally caught up to her head & she moved on.

 

 

Very few people spend their lives with their 1st loves. You will get over her and if you are smart you will learn from the mistakes you made with her & not make them with your next GF.

 

 

Good luck.

 

After being dumped, was I supposed to contact her back and try to get back with her once she contacted me? I didn't think I was playing a game, I just thought that if she wanted me back that should would ask, not just leave clues with me.

 

Although I know I am being the cliche, hopeless romantic, blinded by love guy, I wonder if I could possibly get her back at some point or have I made too many mistakes and is this new guy just going to replace me?

 

Is she never going to look back and wonder what if?

 

I just want to hold on to some hope as stupid as it sounds, it helps me get through each day, especially with the whole NC thing.

 

I feel like I have been haunted by her memory even though it's only been about a week.

 

Also, during out last conversation I asked her if there was anything I could do to get her back/what if I were to pursue her all over again to which she responded that she would be the one to pursue me if she wanted to try again.

Edited November 30, 2014 by losinghope87

[losinghope87]

Anybody have any more input on my situation? Any information would be nice regarding how I can change this miserable situation I'm in.

[chados]

nobody can say if she will come back, theres no point in asking things like that.. rebound is very possible and telling you i hope you find someone new is probably just her trying to be nice or/and saying things to make you feel better.

 

not saying she wants to to forever be alone but nobody wants their ex to move on faster then themself.

 

 

the best thing you can do is to move on. chances are she will regret it and you will find someone else or if you get back with her you are over the past. you are a stronger person and she will have to be the one chasing you. also the experience you'll get from this will benefit you. what did i do wrong? what did she do wrong? etc.

 

 

i think that jumping straight to another guy is the best way for her to want you back. this is a way for her to realize her mistake. if she never experience anything else in life, doesnt have to be another guy but maybe a job that takes up her time. school.. this is a way for someone to think, why did i leave the good life for this?. question is, would you want her back then?

[IfiKnewThen]

hi again. i have to tell you that i broke it off with a man i loved for 3 years. i too told him to "move on". actually i told him to "move foward" because i think its flippant and insensitive to say move on. that implies: ohhhh, its so easy like a light switch...just move on. i hate when people talk that way. when you loved someone and they were in your life and part of your dreams and hope for a future...you cant simply "move on" . and to hear it is quite insulting actually.

 

but i realized i made a mistake in breaking it off. so i did come back to him after a month. i never truly left him though because we did remain in contact daily, during that month. he tried to get me back in that months time. i broke it off because i was very stressed. when the outside stresses lifted in my life..i could truly feel the love i had for him and knew it wasnt gone. i tried to get him back. by then he would tell me it was too late.

 

now, another month's gone by, & im still trying to get him back, and things look beyond break at this point. its downright depressing. he said when he thought there was no hope a switch when off in him and..............well its not looking good for me.

 

so heres my point. do i think its possible she might regret it someday or time.... yes. its always possible.

 

is it healthy to hang on to the shred of hope? well its part of the healing process. we go from denial.....to grieving ....to hope......to anger......and of course the goal is acceptance and healing and detachment. but while healing we go back and forth with all these emotions. grieving cancels denial...., hope cancels grieving, anger cancels hope....etc. they say whats not good is getting stuck in one of these. its easy to get stuck on hope because its less painful. we can plan and deny. hope is the omi..ultimate of all emotions...in life in general. even when someone dies we hope to see them in the after life. we hope to get better when we are sick...we hope for all good things to come. its natural. it gives possibilities. they say its good to go thru the gamut of all these feelings. it helps you purge loss as best as you can...so that you can move on to feeling joy again in your life. use one emotion to get thru another. the trick is not to get stuck in one. and the GOAL is to finally truly accept and heal.

 

now you can have a shed of hope...but dont let it consume u. then its not a shred. is it? and while you have this feeling............

 

dont wait to live.......................but live while you wait.

 

get a routine you can count on. because you were blindsighted...it makes all things feel so bleak and uncertain. but routine helps to trick the mind into feeling some sense of certainty again. I did this once b4 it and it worked. im struggling now with this recent love lost...and i have to remind myself of all of this again.

 

and pray and do good for others. step outside of yourself a bit.

 

maybe she thought you were too young...but u do sound mature. the other guy is closer to her age, but he can still be an immature idiot.

 

she might have peer pressure about dating you. she could be just exploring.

 

you must live while you wait in the meantime, and dont wait to live. maybe she will come back...maybe she wont. dont hope about it too much.

 

thats really all you can do for now. i dont know why she said she would want to be the one to pursue you , if should she change her mind. but go by what shes saying and dont pursue her. if she contacts you and ..be brief with her. friendly and brief. if she says why arent u talking to me that much? tell her she can pursue u lol. (make light of it). just dont pursue her and if she comes to you...dont be too available. talk quick and end the conversation. then feel her out see how it goes.

 

she might find you slightly more attractive if you DONT pursue her at this point. and while you arent pursuing her....try working on being your best self...and living and enjoying your life as much as u can....while healing.

 

a broken heart and spirit takes time to heal. be good to yourself. and don't EVER be ashamed of begging her to be with you. you should be proud you have the capacity to love as you have and to have valued her the way you did. sounds like her loss. you dont have to live in regret that you didnt try. now its really your time to sit back...try to relax...(i know its not easy) and get thru the healing process and live while u wait : )

Edited December 1, 2014 by IfiKnewThen

[losinghope87]

Thanks a lot for the comment. It just feel so hard to move on when I loved her unconditionally.

 

The mornings are always the hardest as I wake up thinking of her every freaking day...any tips for this?

 

This feeling doesn't even seem to get easier day by day.

 

It feels like I'm running into a wall and trying to turn around rather than just going around it. (just don't want to let go).

[losinghope87]

Thanks so much for your input, it was extremely informative.

 

I just hate so much that she still feels like MY girl and that MY girl is going out and being affectionate with another man. What hurts me the most about this is that I know that the more affection she puts towards another relationship, the less likely I'm going to want her back in the future - furthermore, I guess I'm holding so much on to this denial/hope that she will come back to me even though I realistically know that it probably won't happen.

 

I also just don't know how to move on to anger as I don't even have a shred of anger in me. It's hard for me to blame her since I look back to the relationship and think of all the stupid mistakes that I made and all I can think of is wishing I could start over again.

 

But again, I thank you so much as your post gives me some will to go on.

[chados]

Thanks a lot for the comment. It just feel so hard to move on when I loved her unconditionally.

 

The mornings are always the hardest as I wake up thinking of her every freaking day...any tips for this?

 

This feeling doesn't even seem to get easier day by day.

 

It feels like I'm running into a wall and trying to turn around rather than just going around it. (just don't want to let go).

 

 

 

happens every time someone breaks up with you. what you gotta learn is that you will always find someone else. and first time is always the hardest. personally i dont sit home, i go travel or something.. i try to have fun. i dont look at her facebook, and i only use messenger. trust me its a nice boost to your ego just letting her know youre doing something great in your life.

 

dont do it for her, but dont be afraid letting her know that you are now single and you live your life to the fullest. dont show it in her face cause thats obvious, just have fun. let people tag you on pictures.

[IfiKnewThen]

yeah its hard when youre not angry at them.

 

you almost have to find a reason why to be angry at them. that does help. just dont get stuck in that emotion. its hard when you get angry at yourself for the mistake you think you made too. and you have to find a way to forgive yourself too. if you would have known better at the time you would have done better so dont kick yourself. that doesn't help healing. trust me on that much...i know. i have blamed myself too. i know this is so much easier said then done.

 

 

it would probably help to adopt the attitude and realization that you're a good person who deserves a good person back.

 

 

yeah you havent accepted your separateness yet so that makes it even harder to see her with another person. and youre right ...its hard to take them back when you feel their affection went to another. some ppl can put that behind them if they reunite. some cant

[losinghope87]

happens every time someone breaks up with you. what you gotta learn is that you will always find someone else. and first time is always the hardest. personally i dont sit home, i go travel or something.. i try to have fun. i dont look at her facebook, and i only use messenger. trust me its a nice boost to your ego just letting her know youre doing something great in your life.

 

dont do it for her, but dont be afraid letting her know that you are now single and you live your life to the fullest. dont show it in her face cause thats obvious, just have fun. let people tag you on pictures.

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement!

 

I'm trying to better myself for my sake as well.

 

I guess it's really harder for me because I've never been too good with the ladies and I feel as though my subconscious is secretly telling me that I can't and wont find someone that will love me again.

[losinghope87]

yeah its hard when youre not angry at them.

 

you almost have to find a reason why to be angry at them. that does help. just dont get stuck in that emotion. its hard when you get angry at yourself for the mistake you think you made too. and you have to find a way to forgive yourself too. if you would have known better at the time you would have done better so dont kick yourself. that doesn't help healing. trust me on that much...i know. i have blamed myself too. i know this is so much easier said then done.

 

 

it would probably help to adopt the attitude and realization that you're a good person who deserves a good person back.

 

 

yeah you havent accepted your separateness yet so that makes it even harder to see her with another person. and youre right ...its hard to take them back when you feel their affection went to another. some ppl can put that behind them if they reunite. some cant

 

It's really sad that my subconscious is telling me that I'll never find a person that will love me as much as I love them.

 

I remember that being that relationship made me feel as though I had to always compete for love and do things constantly to make her love me.

 

I'm also, quite honestly, a boring guy when it comes to having fun. I don't enjoy going out to clubs or drinking in general so it makes it hard for me to find girls at all. (another problem in the relationship since I never wanted to go out and do things).

 

I kind of live in a sort of a bubble where everyone knows each other and it's hard to meet new people as well.

 

I just want a nice, homebody type of girl. Is that so hard to ask for?

 

Being a pessimist sucks.

[William]

I feel as though my thread belongs more in the second chances section of the forum if anyone would like to help me move it

Moderation merged two threads on a similar topic and moved to SC. Please continue the discussion there. Thanks!