Boyfriend Got Another Girl Pregnant

[delilah.baggins]

The title pretty much says it all. I've tried googling this for advice, but most of the searches that keep popping up are more for "Boyfriend Cheated While We Were Fighting/On a Break" and that's not the case here. Here's the lowdown:

 

We've been together for three years. In that entire time, my boyfriend has always told me that I'm the only one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he's never been unfaithful to me, etc. blah, blah, blah. Also for the record, I have never been unfaithful to him, not even close.

 

Anyways, about a month ago, I found out I was pregnant. I am in no way ready to have a kid (I'm 24 and it's just not happening right now) and I recently got an abortion. No comments about this please, if you're going to do that I'm going to ignore them.

 

This past week, there's been a few other family issues my boyfriend has had to deal with. His brother also recently found out he got a girl pregnant and his mom was in the hospital. But nevertheless, he's been acting weird lately. I knew something was up. Now, I know I shouldn't have done this, but tonight when I went on my computer, I decided to log into his Facebook. I know his password, but I've never gone on it before. But there was something wrong that wasn't adding up. And what do I see, but him having a conversation with a chick he works with (he's also related to her by marriage somewhere) and she was talking about how her abortion was done. Long story short, he was the father. Naturally, I am devastated. I knew that they were good friends, and he hangs out with her a lot when I'm not around, but I honestly would have never thought this would happen. I have no idea why he felt the need to go and sleep with another woman. It's not like we were having problems, everything seemed fine, and now this happens. I'm pissed, but I'm more hurt.

 

I've never had to deal with anything like this. I'm not good at confrontations. I was thinking of putting it off, but the thought of seeing him and having him touch me and hanging out with him and having a conversation with him just puts my stomach in knots. We were supposed to go and do something fun tomorrow and I can't fathom the thought of going out with a lying, cheating sonofabitch. I'm devastated that this could potentially be the end of our relationship. We have so much stuff planned for this winter, but I don't think I can get past this. Not right away. I was thinking of just ignoring the entire thing, but I can't do that.

 

How do I bring this up? I thought about going to his house tomorrow, but I don't think I can see him face-to-face. I don't even know if I can manage a phone call without breaking down. So, that leaves a Facebook message. I know that sounds terrible, but it seems like the only way I can do it. I can just picture it tomorrow:

HIM: Goooood morning princess <3 ready to go snowmobiling?

ME: Sorry, I can't, I just found out my boyfriend got another woman pregnant and that she also got an abortion.

Any suggestions out there how to handle this? What to say? Do I tell him I went on his Facebook, or do I say that I just "found out" and not mention how. Help please

[Molly Hooper]

Ultimately - when all is said and done... what do you want from this relationship?

 

Despite his words, he is clearly not interested in being with you - or with only you. It is that simple (and he's clearly also not concerned with the fact that he is just getting women pregnant left and right).

 

Is this something you are willing to put up with? If so, then I would just tell him the truth about logging into his facebook. He will accuse you of not trusting him, because that's the only defense cheaters have when they've been discovered. And the fact is... you didn't trust him... for good reason.

 

If you two are going to move past it, you'll have to just be upfront with the fact that you logged into his account - then face the matter head on. But my two cents, based on this story, is that he is just going to change his passwords and then continue doing as he pleases with whomever.

 

If you are ready to move on from him - then it doesn't really matter if you tell him or not. You can tell him you logged into his account and found out about his infidelities and that it's over - or you can just tell him it's over. You don't really owe him a full explanation. He hasn't given you that level of respect.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I can just picture it tomorrow:

HIM: Goooood morning princess <3 ready to go snowmobiling?

ME: Sorry, I can't, I just found out my boyfriend got another woman pregnant and that she also got an abortion.

Any suggestions out there how to handle this? What to say? Do I tell him I went on his Facebook, or do I say that I just "found out" and not mention how. Help please

 

 

First of all, I'm so sorry you're going though this because it sucks all the way around. Second, oh my god, I'm ready to castrate your boyfriend right now and I don't even know you!

 

That said, you sound like a woman strongly contemplating rug sweeping and all I have to say to that is: DON'T. I know right now it seems like it'd be a lot easier to simply stick your head in the sand and wish the problem away but it won't work. It never will.

 

People cheat for all sorts of reasons, contrary to popular belief, there doesn't always have to be a problem in the primary relationship. Some people will cheat just because there's an opportunity, so the whys of his actions really don't matter at this point.

 

You need to confront him and yeah, you'll probably need to come clean about how you "found out" since he'll probably try to deny it until he's blue in the face. As a matter of fact, I really think you need to screenshot/print the messages for further proof because it's common for cheaters to gaslight and attempt to make you feel like you're going crazy, misunderstood, were seeing things, etc.

 

However, the fact that you logged into his account is hardly the biggest issue here - though I don't doubt he'll probably try to make that the main focus. Not only did he cheat, he got another woman pregnant. He's being reckless and is obviously not using protection so he's exposing you to all sorts of diseases. Don't lose sight of that fact when he tries to turn the tables.

 

Like Molly said:

Despite his words, he is clearly not interested in being with you - or with only you. It is that simple (and he's clearly also not concerned with the fact that he is just getting women pregnant left and right).

 

And like her I'll ask you, "Is this something you are willing to put up with?" Personally I think you should just end it but even if you want to work it out and move on, you'll have to confront him either way.

[evanescentworld]

I personally think accessing his FB account pales into total utter insignificance in comparison to what he has done.

So to be honest, I think you just punch hard, and punch first.

 

Send him a message:

 

"I know your facebook password. Feel free to change it now, it doesn't matter.

I have all the information I need.

You made another girl pregnant, and she too had a termination.

You are the lowest person I have ever met, and I thought you were different.

So much for faith, trust and fidelity.

I never want to see or talk to you again.

Don't ever bother trying to contact me.

Talking to you would disgust me, and I'm not that desperate or stupid."

 

And then cut him off completely.

 

I wish you well, and hope you do this, because as I said, when you compare what you did, to what he did.... pffft. No comparison.

[Radu]

If you rug-sweep this you will deserve all that will be coming to you.

 

And that is a future 'other' baby-momma [very classy term i might add], a guy who thinks with his dick and a lifetime prescription of Xanax and Percodan ... to get you through the day.

 

Kick him out of your life.

I also find it unbelievably coincidental that he got both you and her pregnant at the same time ... don't you agree ?

[No Limit]

Break up with him. Get a full STD screen. They didn't conceive a child by using protection properly, and who knows who else he's having sex with. Besides, if he's the abuser type that impregnates women and then attempts to pressure them into abortions, that makes it even worse. Get away from him.

[Omei]

Personally I would screen shot his fb highlight the conversation email it to him with a simple

 

Bye

 

And never speak to him again, who cares about his begging, crying and excuses

 

Go

 

He was planning to keep this from you forever and the fact he was lucky for her to get an abortion no doubt he feels saved and free to cheat again because heck who cares you wont find out and if another girl get preg he'll vote for the abortion so no problems come his way.

[delilah.baggins]

Thanks everyone, really. I guess when you're not actually involved emotionally, the situation seems a lot more cut and dry. And yes, I am a "sweep it under the rug" type of person, but I know this is too large to just be swept under and forgotten. I slept on it, and I know that I have to tell him I know. I already had a nice, long cry yesterday over it and essentially feel like a big piece of poop right now, but one that has made up her mind to stay strong.

[CarrieT]

OP, it *is* cut and dry. You are just being swayed by emotions.

 

Years from now, you will look back and wonder why you couldn't be stronger and walk away immediately.

[d0nnivain]

You weren't ready or able to take care of your baby? Why would you want to take on his?

 

 

You already did something much harder then break up with a cheater. You did that. You can do this.

 

 

Tell him to come over that you have to talk. Tell him you know about the other woman & based upon his infidelity your relationship is over. Then show him the door, have yourself a good cry & move on. Also make an appointment to get screened for STDs including AIDS because he's having unprotected sex with at least 2 people.

[Omei]

You weren't ready or able to take care of your baby? Why would you want to take on his?

 

 

You already did something much harder then break up with a cheater. You did that. You can do this.

 

 

Tell him to come over that you have to talk. Tell him you know about the other woman & based upon his infidelity your relationship is over. Then show him the door, have yourself a good cry & move on. Also make an appointment to get screened for STDs including AIDS because he's having unprotected sex with at least 2 people.

 

Really good advice make sure you get checked out.

[delilah.baggins]

Really good advice make sure you get checked out.

 

Oh I fully intend to get tested. I have to go to the doctor's for a two-week post-abortion check up and I'll get her to do it then. I'm just going to flat-out say, "My boyfriend cheated on me and I need and STD test." They also tested for two STD's during the abortion procedure, as is standard policy.

 

It's funny because the other day he was asking if I got tested for STD's anytime and I told him nothing came back on my most recent pap-smear. He was all relieved telling me "well good, it means neither of us has one." Bastard.

[delilah.baggins]

I have confronted him. At first he denied it and asked if this was some big joke, but by then there was no going back. I told him about the facebook messages and he says that he was blacked out drunk and the other girl had to tell him and he felt so guilty about it that he almost shot himself and whatnot. At least it's out in the open now. He says he was going to tell me eventually because he felt so guilty, but I don't know if I can believe that. This feels like some sort of ****ed-up soap opera. Like, is this really my life right now? It feels even more ****ed-up I'm typing this for everyone who wants to to read it, but I guess that's what happens in this day and age now.

[elaine567]

OK so he says was blacked out drunk but why does he spend so much time with her normally.

This is not some random hookup on a drunken night out, this is one of his good friends or is she in reality a FWB?

[Zahara]

I don't know if I would believe that either. Having had to experience two cheaters in my life, upon getting caught 1) denied 2) maintained that they were going to tell me. Textbook behavior.

 

If he was going to tell you because he felt so much guilt that he wanted to shoot himself, you confronting him would have released that huge burden and he would have instantly come clean. Instead he denied and only when he realized he was caught in the corner because you mentioned the FB messages, he came clean. I don't believe he was ever guilty nor that he was ever going to tell you.

 

It would be in your best interest to let this man go.

[delilah.baggins]

OK so he says was blacked out drunk but why does he spend so much time with her normally.

This is not some random hookup on a drunken night out, this is one of his good friends or is she in reality a FWB?

 

No, she definitely wasn't a FWB, I would have known something was up long ago, believe me. They are good friends, though. She's his cousin through marriage somewhere down the line so they've known each other for a long time. I would even consider her my friend, which is even worse. She was someone that I never worried about my boyfriend hanging out with when we would go out with our separate circles of friends.

[delilah.baggins]

Well, thanks everyone though, for your words. I know I did the right thing. He keeps bringing up me looking in his Facebook, though, like what I did was just as wrong as him. Uh, no buddy. If I didn't think there was something else going on in his life that he wasn't telling me, I would have never went through his private messages. Him throwing it in my face though now is actually pissing me off more than the actual cheating.

[Zahara]

What he is doing is normal when cheaters are caught. They blame shift to turn the attention on you rather than have the focus on them. It's called gaslighting. They do it to manipulate you into questioning and confusing your reality and if you are weak enough, you will at some point feel bad and guilty for snooping and sweep what he did under the rug.

 

And the fact that he is blaming you or is making it seem that you both are in the wrong, is indication enough that he is not remorseful for what he did. He is probably only sorry he got caught.

[acrosstheuniverse]

OMG OP, you need to RUN from this man. Seriously, you think that she got pregnant from them having sex once when he was black out drunk? If he was that drunk then he would have struggled to have sex with her and get it up, let alone ejaculate. And if he was that drunk, he was too drunk to consent and it's sexual assault. It's appalling that not only has he done this and put you through this, he's also now lying to save his arse instead of owning up and giving you the full truth.

 

For what it's worth I think you did the right thing and made an extremely mature decision in choosing to terminate the pregnancy, btw. It's better to do that than it is to go through with an unwanted child you're in no position to care for. Imagine if you were going to keep it, and now you found this out? Knowing you're tied to this jerk one way or another for the rest of your life. You've had a very lucky escape.

 

I know that nothing anyone can say will sway your decision one way or another, it has to be your choice to make. If you choose to rug-sweep this you may never get the trust back, and he will know he can get away with doing it again however. Think very carefully. You deserve so much more than this. Shoot him down in flames if he even thinks that he can bring up your facebook snooping as an equivalent transgression for what he's done.

 

Have you spoken to this girl and got her side of the story?

[SoleMate]

I wouldn't bother speaking to the "other girl". OP, you have all the facts you need. Your choice is clear.

[KatZee]

Thanks everyone, really. I guess when you're not actually involved emotionally, the situation seems a lot more cut and dry. And yes, I am a "sweep it under the rug" type of person, but I know this is too large to just be swept under and forgotten. I slept on it, and I know that I have to tell him I know. I already had a nice, long cry yesterday over it and essentially feel like a big piece of poop right now, but one that has made up her mind to stay strong.

 

I was a "rug sweeper" when I found out my ex cheated on me. I stayed.

 

From one betrayed woman to another, RUN RUN RUN.

 

First of all, lets not even talk about the fact he's knocking people up all over the place, but lets talk about how he's having sex while with you and doesn't even feel bad about it.

 

He had no guilt, no remorse, and no intent at in telling you. He just thinks he can go around screwing people willy nilly.

 

Who even knows how many other women he's slept with, because lets be real. It's probably more than this other woman. No cheater who can successfully have multiple lives with multiple women is honest, trustworthy, or even remotely believable.

 

Don't bother confronting him asking for answers, or giving him a chance to "redeem" himself. He's only going to admit to what you know. Nothing he will say will be honest at all. So when you DO contact him, make sure it's to out him, and then to toss his a.ss and send him packing.

 

Trust me, you don't even want to hear what he has to say. He's going to try and manipulate you, guilt trip you, cry fake tears, be "sorry" (yeah OKAY), try to reel you back in, try to make promises, plead, beg, tell him he can shove it and that you don't care. I wish I had done this.

 

My cheater, cheated again. SHOCKER!

[KatZee]

I have confronted him. At first he denied it and asked if this was some big joke, but by then there was no going back. I told him about the facebook messages and he says that he was blacked out drunk and the other girl had to tell him and he felt so guilty about it that he almost shot himself and whatnot. At least it's out in the open now. He says he was going to tell me eventually because he felt so guilty, but I don't know if I can believe that. This feels like some sort of ****ed-up soap opera. Like, is this really my life right now? It feels even more ****ed-up I'm typing this for everyone who wants to to read it, but I guess that's what happens in this day and age now.

 

This is actually hilarious! (I wrote my first post before reading your update)...

 

My cheater said these exact same things word for word, LITERALLY!

 

He told me that he cheated on me when he was black out drunk...not even a little bit believable. When guys are THAT drunk, and because I had been with him when he was black out... his dick never even worked when he was blacked out! Ever hear of liquor dick? These guys must think we're all idiots with the excuses they give us.

 

My ex also said he wanted to kill himself because he felt so guilty.

 

These are the reasons I actually stayed with him. I thought he was remorseful and sorry and wah wah wah it was a mistake.

 

My eyes just fell out of my head with how hard I just rolled them. All that crap he said? He felt so SO awful right? SO AWFUL that he went and did it again! lmfao...

[acrosstheuniverse]

Don't bother confronting him asking for answers, or giving him a chance to "redeem" himself. He's only going to admit to what you know. Nothing he will say will be honest at all. So when you DO contact him, make sure it's to out him, and then to toss his a.ss and send him packing.

 

Trust me, you don't even want to hear what he has to say. He's going to try and manipulate you, guilt trip you, cry fake tears, be "sorry" (yeah OKAY), try to reel you back in, try to make promises, plead, beg, tell him he can shove it and that you don't care. I wish I had done this.

 

My cheater, cheated again. SHOCKER!

 

The really hard part is that when you've been cheated on, you are so hurt, you feel so rejected, so angry, that you're still in the mindset still of longing for things to be better again, you're still in love with that person and can't comprehend it all being ripped away in an instant. So I think it'll be hard for the OP to toss him to the curb without hearing him out when her heart at this stage is probably dying to hear the apologies, so she can persuade herself it meant nothing, it was nothing, it was a one off, therefore she can believe he does love her like she thought he did.

 

In many months time, you will probably look back and wonder what you were thinking even considering sweeping it under the rug, because the pain of what he did to you won't go away, especially when he can't even be straight about it now, and you aren't getting the full truth, and he doesn't seem remorseful, just extremely selfish (talking about wanting to end his life etc.).

 

I've never been cheated on to my knowledge, but I imagine that when a cheating partner turns round and acts like an ass and doesn't regret it and won't stop cheating, it's triply difficult, because not only have you been betrayed, you're not getting the reassurance that it's not over, that they regret it, that things can go back to normal. You're just having to face the realisation that this is huge and this isn't going to go away. And the rejection.

[delilah.baggins]

The really hard part is that when you've been cheated on, you are so hurt, you feel so rejected, so angry, that you're still in the mindset still of longing for things to be better again, you're still in love with that person and can't comprehend it all being ripped away in an instant. So I think it'll be hard for the OP to toss him to the curb without hearing him out when her heart at this stage is probably dying to hear the apologies, so she can persuade herself it meant nothing, it was nothing, it was a one off, therefore she can believe he does love her like she thought he did.

 

Yes, exactly. You described it better than I could have. It's hard to believe that this is it. Three years, gone. All of our future plans, gone. It would be different if we were fighting for months on end and finally decided to end it, but this is just like he died or something. I never thought yesterday when I dropped him off at his house and said goodbye that I might never be coming back over to watch our favourite TV show together or cook dinner or go out hiking together. He also has the sweetest dog in the world that I'm going to miss. I think I'm almost more broken up about the dog right now than him. Our three year anniversary would have been tomorrow.

 

And oddly enough, I feel terrible for the girl he got pregnant. She's been dealt a ****ty hand at life and has been through quite a lot of terrible **** (I'm not making up excuses for her, she did **** my boyfriend, but she's had a hard life.) And the fact that she had to go and have an abortion alone sounds terrible. I mean, with mine, I could have done it alone because I 100% never wanted a kid and didn't feel guilty one bit about it. But she was telling him what a terrible experience it was for her emotionally and how if she didn't have two kids already she would have kept it. I kind of wish she did, just so he could squirm at the idea of having a child. Him and his brother could both go feel sorry for themselves about both getting women knocked up at the same time.

 

I think the cheating feels even worse knowing that it created life. Like it feels worse than him just having sex with her. He had sex with her and they made a kid. A part of him was growing inside of her. Again, I know it's ironic since I just went through an abortion with no regrets, but her unborn child had affected me more than mine ever did. I know I sound like some sort of monster, but it's true.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The title pretty much says it all. I've tried googling this for advice, but most of the searches that keep popping up are more for "Boyfriend Cheated While We Were Fighting/On a Break" and that's not the case here. Here's the lowdown:

 

We've been together for three years. In that entire time, my boyfriend has always told me that I'm the only one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he's never been unfaithful to me, etc. blah, blah, blah. Also for the record, I have never been unfaithful to him, not even close.

 

Anyways, about a month ago, I found out I was pregnant. I am in no way ready to have a kid (I'm 24 and it's just not happening right now) and I recently got an abortion. No comments about this please, if you're going to do that I'm going to ignore them.

 

This past week, there's been a few other family issues my boyfriend has had to deal with. His brother also recently found out he got a girl pregnant and his mom was in the hospital. But nevertheless, he's been acting weird lately. I knew something was up. Now, I know I shouldn't have done this, but tonight when I went on my computer, I decided to log into his Facebook. I know his password, but I've never gone on it before. But there was something wrong that wasn't adding up. And what do I see, but him having a conversation with a chick he works with (he's also related to her by marriage somewhere) and she was talking about how her abortion was done. Long story short, he was the father. Naturally, I am devastated. I knew that they were good friends, and he hangs out with her a lot when I'm not around, but I honestly would have never thought this would happen. I have no idea why he felt the need to go and sleep with another woman. It's not like we were having problems, everything seemed fine, and now this happens. I'm pissed, but I'm more hurt.

 

I've never had to deal with anything like this. I'm not good at confrontations. I was thinking of putting it off, but the thought of seeing him and having him touch me and hanging out with him and having a conversation with him just puts my stomach in knots. We were supposed to go and do something fun tomorrow and I can't fathom the thought of going out with a lying, cheating sonofabitch. I'm devastated that this could potentially be the end of our relationship. We have so much stuff planned for this winter, but I don't think I can get past this. Not right away. I was thinking of just ignoring the entire thing, but I can't do that.

 

How do I bring this up? I thought about going to his house tomorrow, but I don't think I can see him face-to-face. I don't even know if I can manage a phone call without breaking down. So, that leaves a Facebook message. I know that sounds terrible, but it seems like the only way I can do it. I can just picture it tomorrow:

HIM: Goooood morning princess <3 ready to go snowmobiling?

ME: Sorry, I can't, I just found out my boyfriend got another woman pregnant and that she also got an abortion.

Any suggestions out there how to handle this? What to say? Do I tell him I went on his Facebook, or do I say that I just "found out" and not mention how. Help please

 

 

Something about this makes no sense at all:

 

 

To begin, I don't judge you at all about merely being pregnant (or terminating your pregnancy) recently.

 

Yet while you were so wound-up in assuring us (the reading audience) that you (didn't want any judgment over your having been pregnant, or your abortion)... you then went on to judge your boyfriend based on some other girl having been pregnant.

 

 

This reads like the whole of society loving to judge only the pregnant teenage girls for their (sexual) behavior.

 

 

Pregnancy has nothing to do with any of this, so how about you begin to resolve your challenges by factoring-OUT any and all reference to pregnancy???

 

If you want to contemplate your boyfriend having potentially exposed you to various STD's... then fine... if you want to contemplate his having broken promises/vows to you, then fine.

 

 

Now you should probably just dump the lying, cheating S.O.B. ... but you probably won't...

 

Yet I think you'll do far better at this if you stop obsessing over pregnancy and return to the realm familiar to many many more thousands of people than the one you describe. (lots of people deal with cheaters - a much smaller percentage have both been pregnant recently, AND found out that the would-be father got another woman pregnant during the same general period)

 

The latter is fodder for a Maury Povich show or something. You need to focus on the every-day part of this, and reduce the dramatic effect in your mind.