Breaking vows, soul mates, etc.

[Rainbowlove]

I'm confused about the above question.

 

I'm here to offer support to wayward's and betrayed spouses.

[Realist3]

I have some reading to do. Back tomorrow.

[spanz1]

with cheating so rampant in long term marriages...it begs the question: why does the spouse just not ask for permission to find a f*ckbuddy? If it is all about sex....and the marriage is just fine otherwise...why can they not just admit that they need more sex, and ask for permission??? Its not cheating if they have a hall pass in their hand!

[Rainbowlove]

Because it's not about sex

 

This is not entirely true. C'mon now. I get what you and Realist are saying - I had a similar experience - "the soulful" connection. It may not be all about sex, but the intensity and passion of that intimate physical connection is important and you can say it's because of the "emotional" connection, but it's both...the physical connection and emotional.

 

Then after you have had that deep physical connection with someone on a spiritual level, it's difficult to go back to life without it. You crave it in your soul. You miss the passion. You feel physically ill without it. Part of you feels like you are dying inside.

 

Yes, it's about sex.

 

It's a drug. And like all addicts, the addiction needs to be stopped "cold turkey" - and then you slowly come back to reality (out of the fog) and realize you can live without the drug. You can not only live without the drug, you feel healthy without it.

 

The addict will do anything to keep the addiction alive - lie, manipulate, deny to self, destroy families, toss children aside, tell themselves they were "never really happy" until this other person came along...blame everyone else for your unhappiness, but YOU.

 

True soul mates and true Twin Flames don't interfere with marriages, they don't hurt others at the expense of their own selfish needs. They don't lie, they don't cheat and they don't sneak around.

 

It's very much about sex.

Edited December 3, 2014 by Rainbowlove
misspellings (hate that) :)

[Got it]

This is not entirely true. C'mon now. I get what you and Realist are saying - I had a similar experience - "the soulful" connection. It may not be all about sex, but the intensity and passion of that intimate physical connection is important and you can say it's because of the "emotional" connection, but it's both...the physical connection and emotional.

 

Then after you have had that deep physical connection with someone on a spiritual level, it's difficult to go back to life without it. You crave it in your soul. You miss the passion. You feel physically ill without it. Part of you feels like you are dying inside.

 

Yes, it's about sex.

 

It's a drug. And like all addicts, the addiction needs to be stopped "cold turkey" - and then you slowly come back to reality (out of the fog) and realize you can live without the drug. You can not only live without the drug, you feel healthy without it.

 

The addict will do anything to keep the addiction alive - lie, manipulate, deny to self, destroy families, toss children aside, tell themselves they were "never really happy" until this other person came along...blame everyone else for your unhappiness, but YOU.

 

True soul mates and true Twin Flames don't interfere with marriages, they don't hurt others at the expense of their own selfish needs. They don't lie, they don't cheat and they don't sneak around.

 

It's very much about sex.

 

Yes its about both but it isn't just about sex. For you it may have been like or an actual addiction but that isn't the same for everyone.

 

And there is no such thing as soul mates and whatever the heck a twin flame is. That rates right up there with glass slippers and pumpkins turning into stagecoaches.

[Rainbowlove]

And there is no such thing as soul mates and whatever the heck a twin flame is. That rates right up there with glass slippers and pumpkins turning into stagecoaches.

 

 

Okay, Cinderella - you are entitled to your opinion. Just like we all are.

[scatterd]

I do not believe in soul mates to me its nothing more then temporary lust. I have felt that a couple of times in life and I married them. After time no matter who you are with that new feeling of lust dies and with every person you will have a new set of problems. If your able to be with someone many years I would say that's the person that you should work on your relationship with. The next one may have ten times more problems then the one your with . I could have cheated many times but I do not because I am loyal,and when I commit to someone I follow through.Why marry if you do not plan on being loyal.My husband asked me for a divorce and does not even have the guts to tell me why. So I am forced to divorce. At least I can say I can go forward knowing I did everything I could. I am not a quitter and I take pride in my morals. Many people are hurt by this and mostly my kids and grandchildren he has done damage to. There's more to it but the point I am making is that to think someone is more of a soul mate then whom you married to is ridiculous and to hurt people over lust of someone you should not be touching anyway is sad. Because in the end it causes a lot of hurt and you have ruined what you had for someone because your lust. I say in a few years you will be sorry and have a different story.. So Sad I hope you

think about this.

[violet1]

I'm not sure if I actually believe in "soul mates" or not. I do believe there are people who we can have a strong spiritual connection with, but I'm not sure if that makes a person your soul mate/twin flame or whatever.

 

 

In an affair situation, I'm leaning towards more of the fog. My XMM once told me that we were bonded by the red string of fate. We future faked, said the I love you's, we're soul mates. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth now when I think about it. I'm very thankful I finally pulled my head out of my a$$.

 

 

Stringing your spouse along while having secret romps in hotels and cars or wherever with your so called soul mate is a pretty f*cked up thing to do. So...if my soul mate comes along while married I'm just going to have to pass this time. Infidelity causes so much pain and confusion. Being connected to my soul mate/twin flame by the red string of fate is not worth the destruction it causes. I think the unicorns need to stay in fantasy land.

 

 

Honestly Realist, you make it sound like you and your MW are Romeo and Juliet. What a tragedy to stay married for only children and social status. I thought it's the job of a parent to be an example and teach their children morals and how to leave a bad or unhappy situation. Maybe I'm wrong again. Who knows?

[Striver]

Also not big on the soulmate business.

 

Even OP admits that some people never will meet their soulmate. I would go further than that, say that some people will meet multiple soulmates, some people will have many more soulmates than others. Plenty of people out there who are good solid people, but maybe shy, only average attractiveness, you can love them but they don't have immediate charisma. Plus the fact that they may be moral people who set good boundaries and don't go around cultivating soulmates post-marriage. If they do have temptations they deal with them and maybe make an effort to avoid the tempting party.

 

It's just a question of are you going to follow your vows or not. The soulmate crowd says follow your vows until it's more expedient to cheat or leave your spouse. That's not the way I want to live.

 

In my personal case, my wife's leaving me for another man. Maybe that man is her soulmate, I have no idea. She knew him before we met, she could have married him or dumped me pre-marriage and pre-kids, it would have saved me a lot of trouble. She chose to take a different route.

 

What about my soulmate? I'm 49 with 3 young children, soon to be divorced. At certain points in life, reality gets in the way. I doubt I will ever find the cherised "soulmate." Probably just have to muddle through and do the best I can, find some companion that I can get on decently with. May not even do that well. Wish my wife had been on the same page.

[Dean13]

The soulmate crowd says follow your vows until it's more expedient to cheat or leave your spouse. That's not the way I want to live.

 

Exactly. It's just a way to minimize the guilt.

[HereNorThere]

I agree with some of the thing you speak of. Mostly relating to people changing and settling, but not sure if "realist" is an appropriate screen name for someone who believes in souls and soulmates.

 

A realist would know you are never going to have all your needs met all the time. A realist would know that love is really just a chemical trick your brain does to help you reproduce.

 

Maybe you should change it to "rationalizationist" or "cakeaterist?"

[cif]

Using finding your "soul mate" as as excuse to cheat behind your partner's back is weak. If you at some point loved your partner enough to marry them, then they deserve honesty about the state of their relationship. If things aren't working out, every effort should be made to repair things.

The easy way out is to find someone else who has things in common with you and you are attracted to and call them your "soul mate".

 

But what if the marriage is good and doesn't require fixing but you just so happened to find the one and choose to not upturn your spouses' lives, children, family etc.?

[Dean13]

But what if the marriage is good and doesn't require fixing but you just so happened to find the one and choose to not upturn your spouses' lives, children, family etc.?

 

Well, not quite sure what you're asking, but I don't really believe in "the one". I believe we can be compatible and love many different people. It's about who we choose to love.

 

It doesn't make sense that there is only one person for everyone in this world. What if you never meet? What if you meet them, get married, and they get hit by a bus 2 weeks later? Are you then doomed to either remain alone or "settle" for someone who isn't your soul mate.

 

Nope, try to be happy with yourself, then choose who to share your life with. Then you won't go looking for some soul mate to complete you.

[xxoo]

But what if the marriage is good and doesn't require fixing but you just so happened to find the one and choose to not upturn your spouses' lives, children, family etc.?

 

If the marriage is good, why not put the effort there to light the fire? Treat your spouse like a soul mate. Build the intimacy that creates passion at home.

 

I have the "soul mate" feeling with my spouse. Who knows how many people I've met in the past 25 years who I could have developed soul mate feelings for if I'd disconnected from my spouse and marriage?

[Striver]

If the marriage is good, why not put the effort there to light the fire? Treat your spouse like a soul mate. Build the intimacy that creates passion at home.

 

I have the "soul mate" feeling with my spouse. Who knows how many people I've met in the past 25 years who I could have developed soul mate feelings for if I'd disconnected from my spouse and marriage?

 

Of course. And before you got married, you could have met someone else other than your spouse. And the same for your spouse. Now if both you and your spouse were dedicated to making the marriage work, you were fortunate to meet, but not because of any preordained "soul mate" chemistry.

 

Anybody could have met someone else, could have married someone else. It puts too much pressure on "the choice" to think that our choice of whom to marry is going to be perfect based on the limited information we have and the narrow window of our lives where we make the choice. Of course, a different choice could have been made. Good partners recognize that fact, then put it aside and work on connect to the person that they chose.