Proposal: too little/too late ?

[kalika]

Hey everyone, I'll try to keep this as short and sweet as possible.. I've been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years, living together for most of that time. I also have an 11 year old son that my boyfriend is helping to raise.

 

I recently moved down south from upstate NY. Before I applied to the job down here, I tried many many MANY times to talk to my boyfriend about the future of our relationship. He hemmed, hawed, and basically didn't really say anything other than he didn't see the point of getting married. So, I said fine, and I left .. I sold the house we lived in (my house) and relocated down here. I pretty much gave up on our relationship at this point .. I stopped caring. This was about a year ago.

 

We kept in contact mostly because I was house hunting down here and he is very handy, so I needed his help. I was living in a hotel during this time and he was also spending time with my son back in NY, so I would talk to him then. However, I did move on down here - met someone within a few weeks and started sleeping with him. (He was a nice guy but not relationship material.. we haven't spoken now in 6 months).

 

Long story short, he ended up moving down here, as did my son before school started, and we've been OK since then. However, now he's hinting that he'll be proposing at X-Mas and I get the sense he thinks it's a dream come true for me. Truth be told, I don't really care now whether we get married or not, and I actually feel a bit angry and resentful even thinking about it. Now I'm struggling with what to say - yes or no - if he does propose. I would love to be married but I'm not sure I want to be married to HIM any more. That being said, I don't have anyone else in my life that really cares about me as much as he does - whatever amount that may be at this point.

 

I don't want to embarass him and say No in front of my family when they come down to celebrate with us.. but I really don't know any more if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I already gave up on "us" a while ago but truth be told, although I care about him very deeply, I don't know that I would be devastated if we were no longer together. That being said, I'm now financially/otherwise dependent on him to help with the house and with my son, who loves him to death and really wants us to get married.

 

I was thinking maybe I could say yes, and then just wait it out ... aka not get around to planning a wedding... or say yes, and then when my family leaves, I could give him the ring back and tell him that I have no desire any more to marry him. I don't know if he would break up with me or not if I did that, but I doubt it.

 

 

Help

Edited November 30, 2014 by kalika

[evanescentworld]

...Or you could actually be up-front and confess you are totally over the idea of marrying him, the desire to do that has gone, and frankly, you're just not bothered about it any more.

 

That would be more honest and definitely would square things up and put the cards on the table, long before the situation has the potential to get complicated.

I realise he's handy to have around, and that you get your odd-jobs done that way, but if you've gone off the idea, at least be decent enough to get that out in the open.

[writergal]

I agree with evanescentworld. Don't agree to marry him, if you're no longer in love with him. Don't wait for him to spend money on a ring, or torture yourself with wedding dress shopping for a dress you don't plan to wear. Just end things now before it gets to that point. In your heart, you know you don't love him anymore. You know you don't want to marry him. So then don't agree to it. That would be cruel to your boyfriend and to your son. It's un-necessary.

 

I also think it's unfair for you to keep him on the hook because you may be afraid of being on your own financially. You can always hire a handyman and you can post a roommate ad on Craigslist. That solves your problems with your house repairs and someone to help you pay your mortgage.

 

The bigger picture here is that by accepting his marriage proposal, you are setting yourself, your son and your boyfriend up for a very ugly future breakup situation.

 

You've expressed that you are angry and resentful at the thought of your boyfriend proposing to you. Um, most women would be excited by a marriage proposal from their boyfriends. So, I think you need to take the higher road here and just be honest with your boyfriend and tell him now that the relationship has reached it's end. If you two loved each other at some point, he'll understand. And if you are honest with him now, he will respect you for it vs. the charade of accepting his marriage proposal knowing you are going to give him back the ring and say no.

 

And to preserve the bond between your son and your boyfriend, treat the breakup like a divorce. Sit your son down and explain to him that while you still care for your boyfriend, you can't be together with him anymore but you want your son to still have you boyfriend in his life as a father-figure (if you do want that for your son).

 

Your situation is very enmeshed. The sooner you come clean and tell the truth, the better off everyone will be. You're not happy being with your boyfriend anymore, so why would you marry him? He deserves to marry a woman who wants to marry him, just as you deserve to marry a man you love.

 

I know people who've married their spouse "just because" (insert any reason here) and those marriages always ended in divorce eventually. The only reason to marry someone is for love. If the love isn't there, then don't marry the person.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was thinking maybe I could say yes, and then just wait it out ... aka not get around to planning a wedding... or say yes, and then when my family leaves, I could give him the ring back and tell him that I have no desire any more to marry him. I don't know if he would break up with me or not if I did that, but I doubt it.

 

Worst idea ever but almost immaterial, you shouldn't be marrying him anyway.

 

That being said, I don't have anyone else in my life that really cares about me as much as he does - whatever amount that may be at this point.

 

So he's your least worst option ? Reading between the lines of your post, you know he's not the guy. Probably past time to share that decision with him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mascara]

Funny isn't it. Some of these guys take forever to be ready and are then stunned when we've changed our minds and realise we don't particularly want to be with someone who is basically keeping their options open (unless you're really young, I fail to see why you need more than a year or two). It took my ex six years to decide he wanted to be married, and I practically recoiled by that point. I was emotionally approaching the point of being out the door due to his lack of commitment, and unfortunately I'd turned the corner and just couldn't go back to feeling the same way about him. It took another few years to leave, but looking back, I was done at that point.

 

So I'd advise you to really think about your future, and certainly pre-empt a public proposal. He should have sounded you out first - made sure it's still what you wanted instead of assuming it - but seeing as he's not done that, you'll have to do it.

[kalika]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I just wanted to add that I did mention to him a few months ago that I no longer saw the point in getting married, as I felt that since my son was already 11 there was really no point, since I wouldn't be having more kids. I thought that would be the end of it.

 

Then, before we drove to NY to visit my family, my son let it slip that he was going to propose to me over Thanksgiving. I immediately confronted him asking to know WHY he would choose now to propose. We had been barely talking to each other, we both do our own thing, have barely had sex at all in the last 6 months.... WHY now???

 

We went to NY for Thanksgiving and he hinted to me that he's going to propose over Christmas instead. He keeps harping on the fact that he got me something amazing for Christmas, and telling me other things that make me think he'll propose then. He also told me he already got my X-mas present, which I now believe is the ring. He's not really being all that subtle about it actually.

 

He's also been super affectionate and more loving the last few weeks, although we still haven't had sex in over two months and probably not more than 5 or 6 times in the last 6 months.

 

So in any event, I could be wrong but I do think it's a proposal that's coming.

 

That being said.. I don't want to dump him and then have to move some stranger into my house just to get the bills paid. I do love my boyfriend, I always will, but the physical and emotional distance is taking its toll on our relationship and how I feel about him. That and he's always unstable, always in a state of flux, and I'm always the stable one.

 

The truth is though, I'm a HUGE commitmentphobe and I'm not sure if that is why I feel this way, or if it's because he's really not the guy for me to be marrying. The good things about us are: He really loves me and my son, he's always been there for me, we're best friends and can read each other's minds, he's loyal, and he's pretty hardworking.

 

In the past I've tried to break up with him, yelled and screamed at him in frustration that it's over. I hate the way we fight when we do fight... but he always ends up coming back, and we always end up back together, working things out because another day comes and we forget about the bad things until they boil over again.

Edited December 3, 2014 by kalika

[evanescentworld]

The truth is though, I'm a HUGE commitmentphobe

Sufficient explanation and red flag right there.

You don't wat to get married, because you don't want to get married.

 

The good things about us are: He really loves me and my son, he's always been there for me, we're best friends and can read each other's minds, he's loyal, and he's pretty hardworking.

You do realise you've just described the relationship any caring owner has with their precious pet dog, don't you?

 

In the past I've tried to break up with him, yelled and screamed at him in frustration that it's over. I hate the way we fight when we do fight... but he always ends up coming back, and we always end up back together, working things out because another day comes and we forget about the bad things until they boil over again.

THis isn't a relationship.

It's a co-dependent habit.

No sex? and this kind of relationship?

 

You really need to re-evaluate what the heck it is you really DO want.... Because this whole thing is actually unfair on the pair of you.

Particularly him, if he still actually believes this will get him somewhere...

[newmoon]

you're just selfish. using the person who is most available to you and who can help you out. you "don't want to move a stranger in", so why not continue taking advantage of someone you are admittedly over. good luck with that. i imagine you'll be back on LS when this relationship heads south again and he finds someone who actually wants to love him and sleep with him.