Question for OW Who have Moved On

[Movingon1111]

I have been OW for 2 years and finally broke off 4 months ago. My xMM kept trying to keep in touch with me 2 weeks after I broke it off and initially I responded politely to let him know that I still cared for him but refused to meet up with him. Eventually, I caved in and met him at the movie theater. I was already seeing a new guy but I couldn't resist since I still had feelings for him. I told him and I have moved on and I didn't feel anything for him anymore. But, I couldn't help but make out with him and it felt so good that I started to get teary. Once I got home, I realized I couldn't go back to being OW and told him to stop contacting me and I didn't love him.

 

He promised to me that he will move out next week and file for divorce but I am afraid and confused. I'm not sure if he'll really leave after 2 years of promises and I do have a new guy that I do like. I told him that even if he leaves now, it's too late and I was moving on. Do you think I should have given him another chance? I felt dirty being OW but I think he was my true love.

 

Let's say I move on with the new man and be happy with him. Will my feelings for him ever change one year from now? Would any of you take xMM back if he's divorced after you have moved on? I'm just so confused and maybe I'm looking too far into the future. Please help.

[cif]

Moving on by definition means becoming indifferent to MM.

 

Dont believe MM. until the divorce is final he could just be luring you back into the affair. Since you like the new guy put all your efforts into him. Maybe, hopefully youll end up in a much better place.

[jellybean89]

So you tell him you are done, but then meet up with him and make out?

 

It is obvious you still have feelings for him - I hope you let the new guy you are dating know you are still hung up on a MM.

 

Its been 2 years...he isn't leaving. Heck, you will continue to hook up with him even after 'breaking up' with him...why should he divorce?

 

He isn't leaving. Keep repeating that to yourself. He is just trying to keep you interested and willing (which it sounds like you are).

 

You shouldn't even be thinking of a future with this new guy since you are still hung up on the MM. It isn't fair at all to the NG to be misled by you.

 

If you want to keep waiting...go ahead. I think you are wasting your time.

 

You will stop caring for him when you are done. You are continuing to feed your 'love' for him by obsessing about him and seeing him and keeping in contact. Once you are really done, you will let go of him.

[GirlStillStrong]

Your MM is a real pain in the ass. You tell him to leave you alone and he refuses to respect your boundaries. You took a stand with him and told him your truth, but he ignores it and forces HIS wants on you. How are you even attracted to this? You are obviously not thinking clearly.

 

So what if he moves out on his wife next week? What is that going to do? That is a joke. He is MARRIED to a woman who is not you. He has obligations, responsibilities, and loyalties to this woman that aren't going to just disappear just because he gets an apartment. He will just be doing more of the same, which is trying to please two women at one time, with you getting the short end of the stick. He is painting castles in the sky for you, dangling carrots in front of you to chase after, while snuggling on the couch with his wife while you **** up your life chasing after them. Stop it. Open your eyes. He is not what you think he is.

 

Get it together, girl. No self-respecting woman falls for this bull**** and chases after a man. You are the ****ing PRIZE here and if he doesn't get that, he is an idiot. Next!

[howcouldInotknow]

People here will tell you that he won't leave. I am not going to give you false hope But some MM do leave. But still go NC and work on yourself. when you are centered and more grounded and far less emotional you will bee better equipped to deal with him if he ever does come back. For now stop seeing the new guy. You don't really like him you enjoy the distraction he brings. Be alone be sad, cry, feel lonely, work through all of the emotions and when you've run out you will feel much better

[Poppy47]

You will still feel the same in a year as long as you keep breaking No Contact.

It took me a long time to learn that 100%compliance with NC means... NOT just because of birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, deaths, or ANYTHING.

 

NC is forever. It means you will never speak or communicate again .Until you realise that, you will keep falling back into the same patterns.

 

You xMM is reeling you in, just because he can and you are taking the bait.For sure he isn't going to leave, just enjoys having immense power over you and your emotions.

 

Please get over MM before you embark on the dating scene again. Rebounds are fraught with danger and rarely work out. In addition, you might hurt somebody with really good intentions.

 

Anybody who is coming out of an A and struggling with NC is not ready for another relationship. A lot of people here will probably tell you the same.

 

Cheers,

Poppy

[bathtub-row]

Your words and actions are in conflict with one another, that's why your xMM doesn't listen to what you tell him. My xMM knows that I love him but he also knows that I'll never be his mistress again. You see, it's not really about whether you're still in love with this guy or not. It's about whether this is the life you want for yourself or not. You're confusing yourself by not separating those two things.

 

The truth is, even if MM does move out tomorrow, there's still the separation and divorce for him to deal with. I already decided that if my xMM left his wife, he and I would not have a relationship until all that was over with, or until I was sure his head was screwed on straight again. There's always the potential that he could go back to his marriage so you have to give it time to see if that happens. Are you willing to lose this new guy by waiting on MM to get his act together? Personally, I think it would be a mistake for you to do this.

 

The next problem you have is if you're currently sleeping with the new guy. If you are, then you need to end it with him because he's never going to be ok with you making out with MM while you were involved with him. And if he doesn't know about it, then you're starting off with a lie. I'm hoping you're only dating this guy right now. If that's the case, then this instance with MM doesn't need to be talked about.

[Movingon1111]

I made a promise to myself that I was moving on despite my strong feelings for him. I did start sleeping with a new man and he treats me well. My exMM wanted to meet me but I refused. He sent a text saying he was right outside my home while I was with my new bf. I should have just ignored him or told him that I was with my new bf but I came out to see him. He told me he still loves me he's willing to anything to win me back. I told him it was too late and I have a new bf inside my home and have to get back. He asked me if I love my new bf and I told him yes. We hugged goodbye to each other and I was really sad. He could have been my prince and I really wanted to marry him but it's too late now. I am sticking with NC.

[GreySkyMorning]

I have been OW for 2 years and finally broke off 4 months ago. My xMM kept trying to keep in touch with me 2 weeks after I broke it off and initially I responded politely to let him know that I still cared for him but refused to meet up with him. Eventually, I caved in and met him at the movie theater. I was already seeing a new guy but I couldn't resist since I still had feelings for him. I told him and I have moved on and I didn't feel anything for him anymore. But, I couldn't help but make out with him and it felt so good that I started to get teary. Once I got home, I realized I couldn't go back to being OW and told him to stop contacting me and I didn't love him.

 

He promised to me that he will move out next week and file for divorce but I am afraid and confused. I'm not sure if he'll really leave after 2 years of promises and I do have a new guy that I do like. I told him that even if he leaves now, it's too late and I was moving on. Do you think I should have given him another chance? I felt dirty being OW but I think he was my true love.

 

Let's say I move on with the new man and be happy with him. Will my feelings for him ever change one year from now? Would any of you take xMM back if he's divorced after you have moved on? I'm just so confused and maybe I'm looking too far into the future. Please help.

 

No, I don't think you should have given him another chance. For what? Another two years of waiting on empty promises? Four years? Six years? How many will be long enough to convince you?

 

I was the OW for two full years. We had a dday in March 2013, met back up for sex twice in July 2013, and continued with daily contact, texting etc. until March of 2014. I heard all the promises and declarations of never ending love. He was going to leave her and be with me. I'd never been so in love (I thought) or been loved so much (haha).

 

Btw, when his wife found out, all the promises and sweet talk stopped immediately. He was happy to keep in constant contact, even have sex, but I never heard the words "I love you" out of his mouth again after dday. Unfortunately, I was the queen of scrambling for all the crumbs I could get from him and stuck around for a long time waiting for him to finally choose me. Meanwhile, I cried every single day and was in pain all the time.

 

Now, those days are very much over.

 

You can read in my previous threads, but I started seeing someone in October 2013. It was a slow start with a lot of doubting and second guessing on my part. I kept holding back the biggest part of myself. In March 2014, I realized I had to let xMM go or I'd be stuck forever, so I told him goodbye and don't contact me ever again. I'd told him that before but never with any convictions. I was always afraid to let go of him because I kept asking myself all the same questions you are asking.

 

The day I let him go, my life changed completely. It wasn't easy at all. I remember going out of state a couple of days later, waking up in a bed in another state and laying there just feeling so empty inside.

 

After I finally let him go, I was able to start investing in the new relationship I was just beginning and things took off. We've been together for 14 months now and it's amazing. It gets better every day. I love this man so much, real love, and I know he loves me because his actions, and not just his words, show me every single day.

 

If xMM came back to me today on bended knee with signed divorce papers, I'd turn and walk away. The thought of it makes me a little sick to my stomach. I did a lot of thinking about this since I read your post earlier this morning. I even went to his facebook page and looked at photos of him. I don't even remember what I was possibly thinking to have lowered myself so much as to accept his crumbs. When I compare xMM to this amazing man that loves me, he's absolutely nothing. He's a pretty sad excuse for a man. My biggest question today is why did I allow someone to treat me like that? Two years of my life spent crying for someone that was climbing in bed next to another woman every single night?

 

And who was I then? Today, I'm proud of who I am. Then, I hated myself for what I was doing to myself and others. I hated the example I was showing my kids.

 

As long as you are in contact with MM, your feelings will not change, no. When you finally decide to stop letting him twist you around, you'll be ok. Good luck.

[Movingon1111]

I have stuck to NC since our last meeting. He has texted me to wish me happy Thanksgiving but I didn't reply. The next day, he sent me a long text saying we could have built a good life together and he's still getting a divorce no matter what. He said if it's meant for us to be together someday, we'll end up somehow. He wished that I had fought hard for him to be together. When I did break up with him 4 months ago, I had told him that I was unhappy and wanted to take a break. I didn't plead with him to make a move. Perhaps, I was tired of being the OW or I just had no strength to fight for him. I don't know. He wanted to remain friends. I did not respond to his text but I had mixed emotions. I am trying to be strong but I love him and hate him.

[FusionCutter]

I have stuck to NC since our last meeting. He has texted me to wish me happy Thanksgiving but I didn't reply. The next day, he sent me a long text saying we could have built a good life together and he's still getting a divorce no matter what. He said if it's meant for us to be together someday, we'll end up somehow. He wished that I had fought hard for him to be together. When I did break up with him 4 months ago, I had told him that I was unhappy and wanted to take a break. I didn't plead with him to make a move. Perhaps, I was tired of being the OW or I just had no strength to fight for him. I don't know. He wanted to remain friends. I did not respond to his text but I had mixed emotions. I am trying to be strong but I love him and hate him.

 

If you got a text that's not NC. Block this guy.

[cif]

I have stuck to NC since our last meeting. He has texted me to wish me happy Thanksgiving but I didn't reply. The next day, he sent me a long text saying we could have built a good life together and he's still getting a divorce no matter what. He said if it's meant for us to be together someday, we'll end up somehow. He wished that I had fought hard for him to be together. When I did break up with him 4 months ago, I had told him that I was unhappy and wanted to take a break. I didn't plead with him to make a move. Perhaps, I was tired of being the OW or I just had no strength to fight for him. I don't know. He wanted to remain friends. I did not respond to his text but I had mixed emotions. I am trying to be strong but I love him and hate him.

 

The fighting was for him to do, not you. He didn't and will not. Block him completely.

[GirlStillStrong]

I have stuck to NC since our last meeting. He has texted me to wish me happy Thanksgiving but I didn't reply. The next day, he sent me a long text saying we could have built a good life together and he's still getting a divorce no matter what. He said if it's meant for us to be together someday, we'll end up somehow. He wished that I had fought hard for him to be together. When I did break up with him 4 months ago, I had told him that I was unhappy and wanted to take a break. I didn't plead with him to make a move. Perhaps, I was tired of being the OW or I just had no strength to fight for him. I don't know. He wanted to remain friends. I did not respond to his text but I had mixed emotions. I am trying to be strong but I love him and hate him.

 

That guy is full of **** and he is playing you. Read a bunch of threads here and you can see they ALL say the SAME thing.

 

They fill your head full of all this fate and destiny crap, come up with all these stupid excuses, and will string you along for DECADES (ask Poppy).

 

Men are like dogs. Get two people, both with sticks, and get them to both wave their stick at the same time. The dog just does not know what to do with himself. He will be so happy there are these sticks but he will run back and forth from one person to the other, slobbering all over the place. Just. Like. Men. The problem is, only ONE of those people own the dog so the dog is always going to obey and go home with them, and not the second person, no matter how many, or how big, their sticks.

[HappyAgain2014]

I have been OW for 2 years and finally broke off 4 months ago. My xMM kept trying to keep in touch with me 2 weeks after I broke it off and initially I responded politely to let him know that I still cared for him but refused to meet up with him. Eventually, I caved in and met him at the movie theater. I was already seeing a new guy but I couldn't resist since I still had feelings for him. I told him and I have moved on and I didn't feel anything for him anymore. But, I couldn't help but make out with him and it felt so good that I started to get teary. Once I got home, I realized I couldn't go back to being OW and told him to stop contacting me and I didn't love him.

 

He promised to me that he will move out next week and file for divorce but I am afraid and confused. I'm not sure if he'll really leave after 2 years of promises and I do have a new guy that I do like. I told him that even if he leaves now, it's too late and I was moving on. Do you think I should have given him another chance? I felt dirty being OW but I think he was my true love.

 

Let's say I move on with the new man and be happy with him. Will my feelings for him ever change one year from now? Would any of you take xMM back if he's divorced after you have moved on? I'm just so confused and maybe I'm looking too far into the future. Please help.

 

He's full of it. If he was really serious, he would have divorced two years ago. You breaking it off didn't force the issue either.

 

He's just mad because you have someone else. It's simply an emotional reaction. Even if he leaves, what happens if he goes back? As seen in this forum, most MM don't leave but the majority who do go right back home with their tails tucked.

 

Your feelings will change when you start to view him as the lying coward he is. Regardless of the new man, you deserve more. Decide you're worth it.

 

I recently married the man I met after I ended my affair. It didn't take me long to realize everything he could offer me once we started dating. Transparency, legitimacy, and true devotion that was demonstrated every day. We planned and lived in the present, not "someday."

 

I've thought about the scenario of xMM coming back ever since it ended and what I'd do. Regardless of my new relationship, now marriage, MM didn't keep his promises. Meeting someone who did made it an easy decision. I could never go back to second guessing a man or myself.

[hello234]

No, I don't think you should have given him another chance. For what? Another two years of waiting on empty promises? Four years? Six years? How many will be long enough to convince you?

 

I was the OW for two full years. We had a dday in March 2013, met back up for sex twice in July 2013, and continued with daily contact, texting etc. until March of 2014. I heard all the promises and declarations of never ending love. He was going to leave her and be with me. I'd never been so in love (I thought) or been loved so much (haha).

 

Btw, when his wife found out, all the promises and sweet talk stopped immediately. He was happy to keep in constant contact, even have sex, but I never heard the words "I love you" out of his mouth again after dday. Unfortunately, I was the queen of scrambling for all the crumbs I could get from him and stuck around for a long time waiting for him to finally choose me. Meanwhile, I cried every single day and was in pain all the time.

 

Now, those days are very much over. ......

 

 

 

Awesome thoughtful response... I am curious, the day u let him go, did u block him off completely from ur life? block his number, email etc? and did u have any urge to ever unblock him and see if u got an email or text from him?

 

and also, did u ever feel to compare ur mm and ur current amazing guy, did ur current guy miss having some qualities that u were attracted to in ur mm? how did u deal with that? did u just keep telling urself that mm was a low life and not worth it?

[jellybean89]

Now, those days are very much over.

 

The day I let him go, my life changed completely. It wasn't easy at all. I remember going out of state a couple of days later, waking up in a bed in another state and laying there just feeling so empty inside.

 

After I finally let him go, I was able to start investing in the new relationship I was just beginning and things took off. We've been together for 14 months now and it's amazing. It gets better every day. I love this man so much, real love, and I know he loves me because his actions, and not just his words, show me every single day.

 

If xMM came back to me today on bended knee with signed divorce papers, I'd turn and walk away. The thought of it makes me a little sick to my stomach. I did a lot of thinking about this since I read your post earlier this morning. I even went to his facebook page and looked at photos of him. I don't even remember what I was possibly thinking to have lowered myself so much as to accept his crumbs. When I compare xMM to this amazing man that loves me, he's absolutely nothing. He's a pretty sad excuse for a man. My biggest question today is why did I allow someone to treat me like that? Two years of my life spent crying for someone that was climbing in bed next to another woman every single night?

 

And who was I then? Today, I'm proud of who I am. Then, I hated myself for what I was doing to myself and others. I hated the example I was showing my kids.

 

As long as you are in contact with MM, your feelings will not change, no. When you finally decide to stop letting him twist you around, you'll be ok. Good luck.

 

You have come a long way. Happy you chose happiness for yourself. Enjoy it!

[Movingon1111]

Awesome thoughtful response... I am curious, the day u let him go, did u block him off completely from ur life? block his number, email etc? and did u have any urge to ever unblock him and see if u got an email or text from him?

 

and also, did u ever feel to compare ur mm and ur current amazing guy, did ur current guy miss having some qualities that u were attracted to in ur mm? how did u deal with that? did u just keep telling urself that mm was a low life and not worth it?

 

 

My xMM did contact me one more time after Thanksgiving but, again, I did not reply. No, I did not block him. He can still text, call, or email me but I won't respond. I made a promise to myself that I will not be his OW anymore.

 

Looking back, a few weeks ago, when he announced to me thru text that he was waiting to talk to me outside my home, I should have just told him I was with my new guy instead of coming out. Coming out to see him perhaps gave him hope. Or maybe I should have come out to see him with my new guy to prove to him that I have moved on and I'm very happy with him. I don't know.

 

I was his assistant at work when we started our relationship. He was very successful, charismatic, intelligent, funny, athletic boss and I fell in love with him. I really wanted to marry him. So I don't think current guy nor future men can measure up to him. I do enjoy spending time with this guy since he has all the time for me and he's sweet. But, I feel like xMM was my true love. I don't know what I would really do if he comes back several months later with a divorce paper. Would I have moved on or would I still have strong feelings for him?

[GreySkyMorning]

Awesome thoughtful response... I am curious, the day u let him go, did u block him off completely from ur life? block his number, email etc? and did u have any urge to ever unblock him and see if u got an email or text from him?

 

Nope, I didn't block him from anything. He didn't attempt to make contact though. I'm sure if he had, I would have blocked him at that point. He, or his wife, had blocked me from his facebook on dday. For a long time, I locked my facebook down completely where you couldn't see anything personal on it unless you were a friend. I opened it back up about six months ago. I really don't care if he or his wife see it anymore. They don't impact my life in any way.

 

I've contacted him twice. A month after I'd went NC, one of his very good friends died. I sent him an email when I found out just telling him I was sorry for his loss. He answered with a thank you. Then, this past July, I guess I was feeling nostalgic or something, I sent him an email saying "I just wanted to say hello." He never responded and I never sent another.

 

I have had to do soo much soul searching since dday. By the time I went NC, he had hurt me so many times that I was numb inside. I just wanted the pain to stop. After a few months, I started to see the real him and not the man I'd created in my mind. I'd been in love with who I thought this man was for about 19 years. Thought he was my soulmate, my best friend, etc. Now I realized that I'd never even known who he really was.

 

I have absolutely no desire to contact him or even see him now.

 

and also, did u ever feel to compare ur mm and ur current amazing guy, did ur current guy miss having some qualities that u were attracted to in ur mm? how did u deal with that? did u just keep telling urself that mm was a low life and not worth it?

 

There were definitely some comparisons that came up in my mind at the beginning.

 

xMM and I were always in contact in some way. We lived about three hours apart. We averaged about 500 texts a day, easily. Good mornings/good nights every day and just constant chatter about what was going on throughout the day. SG and I hardly text at all. I probably haven't exchanged 500 texts with him in the entire 14 months we've been together. I missed that contact very much. That was the hardest part for me right after NC. I felt lost for a little while. I was incredibly lonely. I'd kinda always felt like someone was with me, even if only at the other end of the phone line. That being said, the difference is that I can pick up the phone and call SG at any time, day or night. He'll answer. I have a key to his house and I can walk in the door and climb right into his bed with him in the middle of the night if I choose to do so (and have done so several times). I don't even have to call ahead of time.

 

xMM constantly laid on the charm. He always called me baby, beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, told me he loved me probably 20 times a day, used to pour on the compliments and schmooze. SG doesn't do that. I missed that at first. It's an ego boost to have someone treat you like that. Here's the thing though. When SG says those things to me, I know he means every word and he's not just saying it to keep me in line. xMM was full of a lot of talk. SG shows me actions.

 

I always thought sex with xMM was amazing. It was always passionate and wild. I said for years that xMM was the best I'd ever had. The first time SG and I had sex, I was so disappointed. It was ok, but not that craziness that I'd had with xMM. The more my feelings grew for SG, the more that changed. We have incredible sex now. It's way better that it was with xMM. Looking back now, sex with xMM really wasn't all that. It was exciting, yes, but in retrospect, a big part of that was because of the circumstances. SG and I have sex now and I roll over, snuggle into him and go to sleep happy. Certainly never got to do that with xMM.

 

At this point, there is nothing in which xMM compares favorably over SG anymore.

 

Gotta head to work now. I hope that answered some of your questions.