sort of had a d day

[blondie51]

So my H saw a text, got MM's name. Demanded to know what was going on. I told him he's just a friend. He didn't buy it. Threw something across the room and stormed out. I called MM, told him, he was crying hysterically. I thought it was because he was afraid my H would tell his W, he didn't care about that. He thought he was going to lose me. I told him he wouldn't. He then told me that he was going to tell his W that night. I talked him out of it. I said let me put the fire out here, dont say anything on your end.... why did I do that? I also had the opportunity to come clean with H and leave. Why didn't I take it?

My life was in turmoil ever since. H trying to uncover any information about MM through internet. He also friend requested him. We've been going to counseling. H constantly going thru my things searching, watching me. There's been arguing, tears from him. Its been hard to see the pain I caused him. Yet I still cant give up MM. He tells me he loves me everyday through out the day. He's become my best friend. We are deeply in love. I don't know why im choosing to stay here in the middle

[Versailles]

Why didn't you choose MM then if he wanted to choose you? Maybe you should reconsider who you really want because you can only choose one love and not two.

 

Sorry, I have issues myself so please ignore me if it doesn't make sense to you

[Artie Lang]

if you "lurvvve" this OM so much and detest your husband's actions to finding out, why don't you just end the charade? tell him(husband) the truth so you can be free to pursue a relationship with this man. he's bound to find out if he's going through such great pains to uncover your deceit.

 

 

doesn't make sense to drag it out.

[whichwayisup]

So my H saw a text, got MM's name. Demanded to know what was going on. I told him he's just a friend. He didn't buy it. Threw something across the room and stormed out. I called MM, told him, he was crying hysterically. I thought it was because he was afraid my H would tell his W, he didn't care about that. He thought he was going to lose me. I told him he wouldn't. He then told me that he was going to tell his W that night. I talked him out of it. I said let me put the fire out here, dont say anything on your end.... why did I do that? I also had the opportunity to come clean with H and leave. Why didn't I take it?

My life was in turmoil ever since. H trying to uncover any information about MM through internet. He also friend requested him. We've been going to counseling. H constantly going thru my things searching, watching me. There's been arguing, tears from him. Its been hard to see the pain I caused him. Yet I still cant give up MM. He tells me he loves me everyday through out the day. He's become my best friend. We are deeply in love. I don't know why im choosing to stay here in the middle

 

Respectfully I say, because you want both. Just like your MM, each of you want to stay married, and have the affair. Neither of you really want to 'give up' your life as you know it now - Having to deal with family members, in laws, friends, neighbours finding out that you are leaving your spouses for one another. Everything will change, and if you have children, you'll be turning their little innocent lives upside down.

 

You have to make a decision one way or another. Your H isn't stupid, he knows. You can lie and deny all you want and your MM should be concerned, your H WILL more than likely bust the affair open to his wife.

 

Confess everything to your husband, stop lying and denying. Tell the truth, it's time.

[blondie51]

That was the first time MM said that. In the past its always been", I see the future and you are in it with me. I know its a matter of time until our luck runs out and we're caught. " He's been waiting to get caught, says he wouldnt know how to tell his W because she is absolutely clueless. They dont have a bad marriage, says he's with me cause hes just madly in love with me. I guess I dont fully believe him or I'm just scared. MM has been so calm about my H possibly telling his W. He says if he does, "then ill lay it all on the table." He says he's calm because he loves me. I believe that, but I think i'd feel more confident if he wasn't waiting to get caught.

[AlwaysGrowing]

The concealment of your extra activities are over.

 

Your husband is now trying to figure out the truth of his marriage/wife. He is struggling to make sense out of the red flags about his wife, the wife he thinks loves him. His gut is screaming loudly, so loud that he can't function properly. He has no life experience to draw from for being betrayed by his life partner. He is floundering, he needs someone...anyone to tell/show him the truth.

 

This is where you come in. You are either the person who does confirm that he is not crazy and he SHOULD trust his gut. Or....you are the person who continues playing the shell game with his trust of his own self by telling him that he is the liar/does not understand things properly and you only speak the truth.

 

It is mighty damaging to a persons whole being when they are being gaslighted. It makes a person doubt themselves so much, that they can't even trust themselves to even make minor decisions in their life because they doubt everything about themselves.

 

And for the record...your husband will not view this time as you being in the middle...he will view it as it IS. You are now blantantly playing around distorting his reality and his perceptions.

 

Tell your husband the truth. Every and I mean every expert on infidelity comes down on the side of truth once the cat has emerged from the bag.

[whichwayisup]

Do you have kids to consider in this mess? How long have you been married and how long has your affair been going on?

 

This can't go on like it has been, your H knows and sooner or later you're gonna have to make a choice, reinvest in your marriage and husband or divorce.

[DKT3]

How can you allow your husband to go through this? Its only a matter of time before he puts it all together. Then what? Be honest with him, at least give him that.

[blondie51]

I have 3 kids, 2 college age, 1 still home. Mm also has 3 kids high school ages. Been in A for almost 7 months. We were together when we were younger, reunited after 25 years of not seeing each other. We always loved each other and those feelings came back even stronger . Mm said if I seperated, he would leave knowing I was out there waiting for him, said he wouldnt do that to me. I read so many posts of MM saying similar things, only to finds out .they couldnt follow thru. I know its just a matter of time until my H finds out . I feel like a heel yet I haven't stopped. Im going to make a decision after the holidays.

[whichwayisup]

I have 3 kids, 2 college age, 1 still home. Mm also has 3 kids high school ages. Been in A for almost 7 months. We were together when we were younger, reunited after 25 years of not seeing each other. We always loved each other and those feelings came back even stronger . Mm said if I seperated, he would leave knowing I was out there waiting for him, said he wouldnt do that to me. I read so many posts of MM saying similar things, only to finds out .they couldnt follow thru. I know its just a matter of time until my H finds out . I feel like a heel yet I haven't stopped. Im going to make a decision after the holidays.

 

So he won't leave his wife if you don't leave your husband, and vice versa. And even if you leave your H there's no real guarantee your MM will follow through on divorcing his wife.

 

Your H KNOWS. He is just waiting for you to admit it. He isn't stupid. He can see through your lies and denials.

[blondie51]

Maybe im afraid I'll end up alone

[whichwayisup]

Maybe im afraid I'll end up alone

 

Maybe being alone is what's best. Co parent with your H from two households, become independent, self sufficient with no man to lean and rely on. Find "you" again. You're broken inside and need help so I do hope you get to counseling and figure something out. Your H very well could decide to divorce you, whether you admit your A or not, he still knows you're having an affair. Not all BS's forgive and give second chances. Maybe your H will forgive you and allow you a chance to prove yourself to him - But it sounds like you want your MM more than your H and marriage.

 

You can't let fear of being alone prevent you from making a final decision. You put your own marriage and life as you know it at risk as soon as you decided to have an affair. Losing out and being alone IS a consequence and a fallout of having an A.

[blondie51]

Thank you all for your responses, you are all right in everything you have said. I appreciate it.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you all for your responses, you are all right in everything you have said. I appreciate it.

 

My 2 cents again. End it with your MM. Confess to your H, tell him everything and let the chips fall where their gonna fall. It'll hurt and it'll be hard, but at least the honesty is a step forward.

 

You and your MM have a fantasy bubble going on, reality inside that bubble isn't 'real life', it's an escape and it's safe, things are great, you both are happy go lucky. An A is not the same as a regular relationship nor a marriage. So with that said even though this guy is from your past, neither of you "know" one another that well since so many years have passed before you got in contact again. Each of you have lived life with your spouses and kids... You really willing to give EVERYTHING up for him?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Maybe im afraid I'll end up alone

 

 

And once your husband has further proof, will your blantantly bold faced lying make that any less of a reality?

 

Right now, with your gaslighting, you are increasing the odds of your spouse walking right out the door. That is what healthy people do when they are being told bold faced lies.

 

It is this exact treatment that is usually the ending of any civility in the relationship for the future. A tone...that you are setting.

 

When you ask someone a direct question, especially about cheating and they continue to lie....even when evidence is shown....the normal human reaction is to put the liar in the enemy column in ones life. Rightly so.

 

The secrecy of your affair is over. Your husband knows something is up. End his searching and torture....tell him the truth. It is the only thing you have left to give that shows you at least respect him as the father of your children and a fellow human being.

[bathtub-row]

This is very sad. Your husband deserves to know the truth now. If you know that you aren't willing to give up MM, then you need to leave your husband. It's really that simple. You're over-complicating it and hurting others in the process.

[Sassy Girl]

You know gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, right?

 

What you are doing is abusive.

 

 

To the man who loved, supported you and gave you 3 children..... through at least 2 decades.... and this is how you repay him? In your most final days with him, you treat him with utter contempt and disrespect.

 

 

This is the only piece of integrity you have left... yet you lie to the very bitter end. A good person doesn't do this. They just don't.

 

 

For gods sake, if its so meant to be, just freaking own it already. Tell him. You owe him at least that.

[Decisiontomake]

Th moment my husband was searching through my handbag at 3am in the morning was the moment I decided I couldn't out him through his suspicions any longer. I moved out and into an apartment within the week. Been separated 6 months now and we are in some kind of limbo. He does not know about my A but he really does suspect and I am staying away at this time for his own protection. Until I can figure out if I'd hurt him again in that way I can begin to find a way forward with him although he waits patiently for me to do so. In your situation I would have totally laid the cards on the table. You need to for your and his sakes. If you end up alone then that's what will happen. Better than the pain everyone is in right now.

[blondie51]

I've thought about telling MM we should take a break, this way I can work on my marriage without having to confess this and destroy my husband. If I bring up taking a break to MM he starts crying hysterically. I don't want to hurt him. The thought of him no longer in my life feels like my heart is dying. I am basing my decision on my MM. I know I shouldn't. He contradicts himself sometimes and this is why I dont feel confident to take that leap. he wants to continue things as is, as long as we can, until we're caught. He knows my husband is on to me, which means he will be outed also. Still wont stop seeing me. Says he knows his wife will throw him out. Obviously doesn't have the courage to tell her. Im a coward and a liar when it comes to my husband, so I cant blame him.

I obviously had serious issues in my marriage or I wouldn't be here. We are going to therapy. My therapist said he will help me come to a decision. What should I say to MM to make him see getting caught is the worst way to do this? I always told him id never force him to leave his wife, that has to come from within him. Im so messed up. I cant see clearly.

[blondie51]

Respectfully I say, because you want both. Just like your MM, each of you want to stay married, and have the affair. Neither of you really want to 'give up' your life as you know it now - Having to deal with family members, in laws, friends, neighbours finding out that you are leaving your spouses for one another. Everything will change, and if you have children, you'll be turning their little innocent lives upside down.

 

You have to make a decision one way or another. Your H isn't stupid, he knows. You can lie and deny all you want and your MM should be concerned, your H WILL more than likely bust the affair open to his wife.

 

Confess everything to your husband, stop lying and denying. Tell the truth, it's time.

 

This is so true. MM doesn't seem troubled with wife finding out, its almost like he's waiting for it. He tells me he loves his wife but not how he loves me. He has a pretty stable marriage. They dont have major problems. He said no one would believe he was having an affair.

[jbrent890]

I see the end to this story. You are going to get caught, then you are magically going to want to work things out with your husband. Not because you actually want to be with him, but because you don't wont to be alone. I have seen this pattern all too many times. You have the opportunity to do the right thing here. Either confess or let your husband go. Do not be like every other WS on this site that essentially waits to get caught. After how many years, don't you think your husband deserves better than this? I think your biggest fear is that you are scared your children will find out. I'm sorry to say that's the risk you took and its a very strong possibility it will happen. Do not focus on your marriage unless you actually wanted to be with your husband. That is completely unfair to him and he deserves better than being second place.

[blondie51]

I see the end to this story. You are going to get caught, then you are magically going to want to work things out with your husband. Not because you actually want to be with him, but because you don't wont to be alone. I have seen this pattern all too many times. You have the opportunity to do the right thing here. Either confess or let your husband go. Do not be like every other WS on this site that essentially waits to get caught. After how many years, don't you think your husband deserves better than this? I think your biggest fear is that you are scared your children will find out. I'm sorry to say that's the risk you took and its a very strong possibility it will happen. Do not focus on your marriage unless you actually wanted to be with your husband. That is completely unfair to him and he deserves better than being second place.

 

You're right, I don't want my kids to know. You dont see me with MM?

[Realist3]

I've thought about telling MM we should take a break, this way I can work on my marriage without having to confess this and destroy my husband. If I bring up taking a break to MM he starts crying hysterically. I don't want to hurt him. The thought of him no longer in my life feels like my heart is dying. I am basing my decision on my MM. I know I shouldn't. He contradicts himself sometimes and this is why I dont feel confident to take that leap. he wants to continue things as is, as long as we can, until we're caught. He knows my husband is on to me, which means he will be outed also. Still wont stop seeing me. Says he knows his wife will throw him out. Obviously doesn't have the courage to tell her. Im a coward and a liar when it comes to my husband, so I cant blame him.

I obviously had serious issues in my marriage or I wouldn't be here. We are going to therapy. My therapist said he will help me come to a decision. What should I say to MM to make him see getting caught is the worst way to do this? I always told him id never force him to leave his wife, that has to come from within him. Im so messed up. I cant see clearly.

 

 

Ahem... you were caught. You are in a fog thinking your husband is buying the lies you told him, he is not. Unless you are using burner phones a simple check of the phone bill will be all he needs.

 

Given how sloppy you and MM seem to have been calling and texting(really??? that is begging to be caught), I doubt either of you have the savvy on how to take this affair really underground. The gig is up! Once you are associated with each other via that text you blew any possible hope of keeping any continuance secret. Your H is going to investigate everything he can. You have to realize you have been playing a 1 strike and you're out game.

 

I'm not going to suggest you should stay in you marriage, but I echo what whichwayisup said, you do not know MM as well as you think you do after only 7 months.

[jbrent890]

You're right, I don't want my kids to know. You dont see me with MM?

 

The vast majority of men do not leave their wives. You said it yourself, he actually does have a good marriage. And if he does, statistically speaking, it won't work. A large number of relationships that started from infidelity fail. Your relationship was started from lying to your partners. Because of that, you will never be able to truly trust each other. Lastly, if found out, his wife will probably take him back. Your husband will probably not take you back. Do yourself a favor and end this and confess to your husband. That will greatly increase the chances of him wanting to reconcile. That's honeslty the only option you got. Not to put you down, but you really put yourself in it.

[jackslife]

Have to agree with realist here. You are living in a fantasy world if you think you have gotten away with the affair.

 

Also how do you go into marriage counselling without confessing the affair? It will come out sooner or later, and counselling is useless without truth surely?

 

I'm not sure you realise yet that your affair is done. If your husband finds out and wants to reconcile (and despite the naysayers on here a lot of couples do), complete NC with your MM will be the absolute minimum he'll expect. If you want to keep your husband and then try contacting the OM after starting Reconciliation, your husband will find out and you'll be out on your ear.

 

I think you need to realise the situation you are in. You are most likely only days away from being caught and potentially kicked out of your home.

 

It's time to wake up!