sort of had a d day

[jackslife]

You dont see me with MM?

 

WTF!!! Wake up! Forget the MM. You are worrying and concerned about completely the wrong thing right now!

[Sub]

...this way I can work on my marriage without having to confess this and destroy my husband.

Your H is already destroyed. The problem is your attention is so focused on the MM and what will happen to your A that you don't see it. Not only does your H know about the A, he notices your willful ignorance about his feelings. The longer you delay...the more you deny... the worse it will be in the long run, IMO.

[blondie51]

Your H is already destroyed. The problem is your attention is so focused on the MM and what will happen to your A that you don't see it. Not only does your H know about the A, he notices your willful ignorance about his feelings. The longer you delay...the more you deny... the worse it will be in the long run, IMO.

 

This is so true . My H said he feels I dont realize how he feels. He said he believes me when Itold him he was just a friend. He thinks he is an Emotional friend and hes devastated, how can I tell him it was more than that? He would never recover, nor ever forgive me. If I tell him, my marriage is done. How do I give up my MM. We speak every single day. Morning till night for Seven months now. We see each other once a week, and we count the minutes until we do. He says he can talk and communicate with me and cannot with his wife. I feel the same way. We cant get enough of each other. We are so similar, we make each other laugh. I can get thru any problem just because I know he's there. Why do I have to let him go? Why cant I have some happiness? I know , I'm marrried. So I'll let him go , stay married and be miserable.

[purplesorrow]

This is so true . My H said he feels I dont realize how he feels. He said he believes me when Itold him he was just a friend. He thinks he is an Emotional friend and hes devastated, how can I tell him it was more than that? He would never recover, nor ever forgive me. If I tell him, my marriage is done. How do I give up my MM. We speak every single day. Morning till night for Seven months now. We see each other once a week, and we count the minutes until we do. He says he can talk and communicate with me and cannot with his wife. I feel the same way. We cant get enough of each other. We are so similar, we make each other laugh. I can get thru any problem just because I know he's there. Why do I have to let him go? Why cant I have some happiness? I know , I'm marrried. So I'll let him go , stay married and be miserable.

 

You can be happy. If your marriage makes you so miserable, be an adult and get out of it and go after your happiness. Your husband will recover. The more he sits and thinks about your betrayal, the easier it will be to get away from you. Now is the time to be honest. Don't use your husband as a place holder while you pine away for your wimpy Om. Your husband deserves said happiness too.

[Sub]

This is so true . My H said he feels I dont realize how he feels. He said he believes me when Itold him he was just a friend. He thinks he is an Emotional friend and hes devastated, how can I tell him it was more than that?

Give it time. Even if he believes now that it was just an emotional thing, his curiosity and insecurity will get the best of him, and that belief will start to crumble.

 

We speak every single day. Morning till night for Seven months now. We see each other once a week, and we count the minutes until we do.

Really? You speak every day from morning til night? How is that humanly possible when you each have families and, I'm assuming, other aspects to your lives?

 

He says he can talk and communicate with me and cannot with his wife.

Yet he loves her, they have a stable M and don't have major problems. Something doesn't add up.

 

I feel the same way.

So why even consider trying to work on your M?

 

Why do I have to let him go? Why cant I have some happiness? I know , I'm marrried. So I'll let him go , stay married and be miserable.

You sound like a petulant child.

[blondie51]

You can be happy. If your marriage makes you so miserable, be an adult and get out of it and go after your happiness. Your husband will recover. The more he sits and thinks about your betrayal, the easier it will be to get away from you. Now is the time to be honest. Don't use your husband as a place holder while you pine away for your wimpy Om. Your husband deserves said happiness too.

 

Id be miserable because I wouldnt have my MM. My feelings have changed for my husband especially since MM came into my life. I do love my husband, we've shared many years together. Oh why did he have to see that text? I going to wait until after holidays, I

Hopefully wont get fully caught before then. This is the crappy part of an A.

[purplesorrow]

Id be miserable because I wouldnt have my MM. My feelings have changed for my husband especially since MM came into my life. I do love my husband, we've shared many years together. Oh why did he have to see that text? I going to wait until after holidays, I

Hopefully wont get fully caught before then. This is the crappy part of an A.

 

You. Are. Caught. Your husband is probably looking for proof this very moment. You aren't showing your husband very much love by cheating and acting like a teenage girl over someone else's husband. Those many years you have shared should be enough reason to stop lying. Adding that the crappy part of the affair is learning that the person who lies next to you is just an imposter. A liar who has no problem making a fool of you. You have yet to experience the crappy parts.

Edited December 1, 2014 by purplesorrow

[anika99]

This is so true . My H said he feels I dont realize how he feels. He said he believes me when Itold him he was just a friend. He thinks he is an Emotional friend and hes devastated, how can I tell him it was more than that? He would never recover, nor ever forgive me. If I tell him, my marriage is done. How do I give up my MM. We speak every single day. Morning till night for Seven months now. We see each other once a week, and we count the minutes until we do. He says he can talk and communicate with me and cannot with his wife. I feel the same way. We cant get enough of each other. We are so similar, we make each other laugh. I can get thru any problem just because I know he's there. Why do I have to let him go? Why cant I have some happiness? I know , I'm marrried. So I'll let him go , stay married and be miserable.

 

Oh please. Stop making your self out to be a martyr here. You are no victim. All of this unhappiness is due to your own actions. You are choosing this misery not just for yourself but for your husband as well. Why can't your husband have some happiness? How about the MM's wife? Does she get to be happy? If somebody had the decency to at least tell the damn truth then everyone would have a chance to decide what to do about their happiness. It is you and your MM who are keeping everyone trapped in this cycle of misery with lies and deception.

 

 

Tell your husband the truth, then go after your MM. He probably won't leave his family because he sounds creepy that way (what is with all of his hysterical crying by the way? you find this man attractive?), but then you will be free to pursue the happiness you are seeking. You are the person keeping yourself trapped in unhappiness. Grow up and do something about it.

[blondie51]

Give it time. Even if he believes now that it was just an emotional thing, his curiosity and insecurity will get the best of him, and that belief will start to crumble.

 

 

Really? You speak every day from morning til night? How is that humanly possible when you each have families and, I'm assuming, other aspects to your lives?

 

 

Yet he loves her, they have a stable M and don't have major problems. Something doesn't add up.

 

 

So why even consider trying to work on your M

 

 

We text as soon as hes up, on his breaks and talk at his lunch hour, on his way home and once hes home up until 10 ish. My kids are in school or work and I find ways to text when everyone is home. He says he cannot talk to his wife , open up to her and they have no passion, sex is like a chore for her. For the first 3 months , everytime he was with his W, he said he felt guilty towards me, like he was cheating on me. Has never felt guilty about us. He says his marriage is good, im going by what he says. I do sound like a child. Sometimes people stay in thier situation because its comfortable, its all they know. Its hard to go in uncharted territory. Its the unknown and its scary.

[blondie51]

WTF!!! Wake up! Forget the MM. You are worrying and concerned about completely the wrong thing right now!

 

I know its like im in a trance, I was always so responsible and moralistic. I dont know whats happened to me. I've gone crazy in love for this guy and he feels the same way. Being with him is unbelievable! Weren't you in an affair? I figured you could relate.

[Versailles]

If you love your husband, why would you do this to him? He must be so hurt suspecting but not actually knowing... And if you've been married for many years, surely he can tell when you are lying and he's just waiting and hoping for you to come clean and tell the truth?

 

If you don't want to lose this man who has presumably been a good husband to you all these years, you should treasure him and give up the MM. If you continue on this path and let him find out everything on his own instead of hearing from you, you will probably really lose him.. I don't think it's worth it giving up someone you love for someone you love in a different way. Take heed that you might end up with neither one on your current path...

[AlwaysGrowing]

Blonde:

 

I really don't understand what you are not understanding.

 

Your husband knows.

 

Your continued lying is NOT hiding your affair in the slightest. It is in your face "F$&@YOU HUSBAND...I AM SMARTER AND A BETTER LIAR THAN YOU ARE DETECTIVE".

 

Do you not hear me when I said EVERY infidelity expert says to tell the truth at this point? EVERY....EVERY....EVERY. even those who advise "do not confess".

 

Doesn't that tell you something?

 

Like others have pointed out. This is now a severe case of emotional abuse.

 

Do you like to think of yourself as an abuser?

 

Whether or not you should choose the MM over your husband is not the most pressing issue before you.

 

It is....I need to end the emotional suffering of my husband by telling him he is not crazy, that his perceptions are indeed correct.

[Quiet Storm]

Even if you are no longer in love with your husband, he is still your children's father. The family that you created with your husband deserves more respect than what you are giving them. You still have a child at home.

 

It's one thing to fall out of love with your husband, but at least be honorable about it. Is this the legacy you want to leave for your kids... dad found out mom's cheating & is lying to him, all he wants is the truth, and mom won't give it to him because she's so in love and it's too close to Christmas? Mom's cool with ruining the family, but OH NO!, not Christmas!

 

In addition to not caring about your husband, do you also not care what your kids think of you?

 

You may think this affair is just putting your already over (in your mind anyway) romantic relationship with your husband at risk, but it's so much bigger than that. The way your kids see you, your character, their ideas about the kind of person you are & how you feel about them... you are putting all of that on the line. How will they feel when they find out that not only did you have an affair, but you tortured their dad with lies, allowing him to risk embarrassment by seeking the truth online, while protecting your secrets and affair? They may feel that you value your affair more than your relationship with them, so prepare yourself for that. Your priorities right now are clear... you may be in a love fog, but they aren't benefitting from your dopamine high. Regardless of what your mouth says, they will judge your actions and will likely not be saying "It's OK Mom, your romantic happiness is worth it".

 

Also, please consider that MM's proclamations of love may change when the fantasy explodes and he decides to stay married. Many MM do get caught up in the romance, but rarely does this translate into actual action. It's just their fantasy life, like they are living in a movie. His wife may think having sex is a chore now, but when she realizes there is a real threat to her marriage, she may be willing to work on that. With all of their kids in the home, it's likely that they will attempt to reconcile. He might not need you to pick up her slack anymore. It's easy for him to say he'll leave & be with you when the affair hasn't been discovered yet. Think of what kind of person he is (proven liar, cheater). Logic will likely creep in and his romantic feelings will be seen as trivial when his teens are acting out, his marriage is on the line and his reputation is compromised. Romantic feelings can be very fleeting, and your relationship with him is very fragile, dependent on a lot of outside forces. Also, an affair with someone from your past has an element of familiarity and comfort that creates a false sense of security. So many of these types of affairs end with the woman saying "I thought I knew him".

 

I know my post may feel harsh, but I'm just trying to open your eyes to the possible consequences to your families. I think some affairs are so intense & insulated that it's hard to think about the real consequences. Even adult children are often affected and end up losing respect for the cheating parent.

 

I understand that the intensity of your emotions for MM are strong, exciting & you never want them to end, but what price are you willing to pay to feel like that?

 

I hope you tell your husband the truth, and either attempt to honestly reconcile or end your marriage with respect & integrity.

Edited December 1, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[Realist3]

Give it time. Even if he believes now that it was just an emotional thing, his curiosity and insecurity will get the best of him, and that belief will start to crumble.

 

 

Really? You speak every day from morning til night? How is that humanly possible when you each have families and, I'm assuming, other aspects to your lives?

 

 

Yet he loves her, they have a stable M and don't have major problems. Something doesn't add up.

 

 

So why even consider trying to work on your M

 

 

We text as soon as hes up, on his breaks and talk at his lunch hour, on his way home and once hes home up until 10 ish. My kids are in school or work and I find ways to text when everyone is home. He says he cannot talk to his wife , open up to her and they have no passion, sex is like a chore for her. For the first 3 months , everytime he was with his W, he said he felt guilty towards me, like he was cheating on me. Has never felt guilty about us. He says his marriage is good, im going by what he says. I do sound like a child. Sometimes people stay in thier situation because its comfortable, its all they know. Its hard to go in uncharted territory. Its the unknown and its scary.

 

You do realize you two have left a verifiable trace with your communications, no? If do not realize that, you need to real quick.

 

As to the comments in your other responses. If you are miserable in your M, then just get it out in the open, and leave.

 

if you aren't wanting to get 'caught'(as you already are), you would have to cease communication with MM immediately, otherwise you will be 'really caught'. I can tell by your posts that you have not taken the time to make sure this A is totally secret. You will get busted again because your H is now on your hump in ways you won't imagine.

[beach]

This is so true. MM doesn't seem troubled with wife finding out, its almost like he's waiting for it. He tells me he loves his wife but not how he loves me. He has a pretty stable marriage. They dont have major problems. He said no one would believe he was having an affair.

 

IF he truly intended to end his marriage he would divorce his wife whether you left your husband or not.

 

And you are doing the same thing.

 

 

Make a decision and take action toward that decision.

 

Either way it's best for you if you learn how to be happy on your own - in other words happy without either man.

 

To place that much power at any mans feet isn't healthy.

 

What would you like to decide?

[Sassy Girl]

Id be miserable because I wouldnt have my MM. My feelings have changed for my husband especially since MM came into my life. I do love my husband, we've shared many years together. Oh why did he have to see that text? I going to wait until after holidays, I

Hopefully wont get fully caught before then. This is the crappy part of an A.

 

Oh yeah...because him seeing a text was the issue... lady, wake up!

 

 

I'm in an affair, but I haven't lost my mind so much as o believe my MM is $hitting skittles in unicorn land. You're deluded. Ive watched other people do ywhat you are doing - its desperate, and incredibly selfish and narcissistic. Get over yourself already... you're a liar and a cheater. Your husband knows you are already... how you conduct yourself now either reinforces this or you have a SMALL chance to redeem a little of your integrity.

 

Everything about what you right sounds juvenile and self indulgent. Tell the truth and see where the chips fall... if it really is all that then you'll be free to take up with your slimy coward and your husband doesn't have to deal with a crappy marriage to a liar and a cheat

[whatatangledweb]

It was one thing my husband did and it set me off on a hunt. It was very easy to find everything as he didn't hide it well. I had never looked before because I trusted him. I was not letting it go until I knew one way or another.

 

It seems to be what you really want is to be with MM. You are staying married until the MM leaves his marriage first. I really don't see that happening. Just so you know many of the MM tell lies about their marriage, mine included. Complete B.S. is what he told her. If you want MM , leave your husband. Wait for your husband to out the MM. Then you will see what the MM really wants. Right now you are cake eating just as the MM is.

[Be_Strong]

blondie,

You've got to come clean about everything with your husband. Suck it up and just do it. What you are doing is creating your worst enemy imaginable in your husband.

[Sub]

I think if you both were so crazy in love with each other, you'd leave. But I think you haven't because there's a part of you that sees this for what it most likely is: a flight of fancy to revisit a teenage romance and regain some of your youth. The problem is that at some point very soon you'll both have to return to reality and act like the adult versions of yourselves, making adult decisions and dealing with very "adult" consequences.

[georgia girl]

Blondie,

 

 

He knows. Plain and simple. What you describe is a D Day. You didn't confess or answer him honestly, so there may be doubt. But, the knowledge cannot be unlearned. Whatever you say now, you can't undo what he saw. He KNOWS. Whether or not his heart is ready to believe it is up to him.

 

 

I agree with the other posters. You need to have an honest and as kind of a conversation as possible with your husband. Where he is now is a special kind of hell. To wait until after the holidays is torture. Please don't be under any false illusion. The holidays are already ruined at your house. Allowing this tension and this emotional distress to continue any longer than it has to is not only cruel - it makes everything a 1,000 times worse.

 

 

Someone mentioned your kids. As a daughter whose father had an affair, I can share a little bit about how hard discovery is on children. First of all, my dad did what you did. He lied. He called my mother crazy. He manipulated the truth. And I believed him, mostly because I wanted to. Then, the truth came out. I was beyond crushed. I couldn't look at him. You see, I had overheard about the potential affair and he had promised me he would never do anything like that to our family. But he did. And worst of all, he lied to my mom and me. I have never been closer to hating someone in my life than I did at that moment. I remember screaming at him why wouldn't he have told me the truth? How could he have lied to us that way? If he didn't want to hurt us, why did he have an affair? Lying made it worse.

 

 

You have one child at home, two away at school and a husband in severe emotional turmoil. (And by the way, you have ABSOLUTELY no idea how he feels, but you can. Imagine losing your MM to another woman, right now and forever but he won't tell you the truth. How would that feel? That's how your husband feels, but worse. Everything he's built his whole life around is now a lie and the one woman he loves - his life partner - has not just cheated on him but is lying about it.)

 

 

Your secret is blowing wide open and you can't stop it or delay it. More than that, I have the feeling that your family is literally sitting on a powder keg. The more you lie, the more fuel gets added to the top.

 

 

Please, I beg you. Talk to your husband. Tonight. Kindly and gently. But tell him the truth and together, the two of you tell your children.

 

 

My experience was horrible. The good news? My father and I have made up. It took us years but we've both learned how to love each other again. You will have to do that work, but how much work really depends on you. Lie and the work may be insurmountable. Tell the truth and the task is so much easier.

[jellybean89]

I've thought about telling MM we should take a break, this way I can work on my marriage without having to confess this and destroy my husband. If I bring up taking a break to MM he starts crying hysterically. I don't want to hurt him. The thought of him no longer in my life feels like my heart is dying. I am basing my decision on my MM. I know I shouldn't. He contradicts himself sometimes and this is why I dont feel confident to take that leap. he wants to continue things as is, as long as we can, until we're caught. He knows my husband is on to me, which means he will be outed also. Still wont stop seeing me. Says he knows his wife will throw him out. Obviously doesn't have the courage to tell her. Im a coward and a liar when it comes to my husband, so I cant blame him.

I obviously had serious issues in my marriage or I wouldn't be here. We are going to therapy. My therapist said he will help me come to a decision. What should I say to MM to make him see getting caught is the worst way to do this? I always told him id never force him to leave his wife, that has to come from within him. Im so messed up. I cant see clearly.

 

bolded ^^ gag, a grown man crying 'hysterically'? And you find that attractive?

 

I would bet as soon as his wife finds out, you will feel the bus run over you. He will tell her that you have held a candle for him for 25+ years and won't leave him alone. He still has SEX with her...that should show you how "in love" he is with you.

 

Yes, you are a coward, as is the MM.

 

Just wait until your kids find out...and they will. You have lied to, disrespected and abused your H and family. There is a story on here somewhere about a wife/mother whose affair was discovered...and her children haven't spoken to her in years because of her actions. DIVORCE if you don't want to be married...but to be a cheater?

 

This is so true . My H said he feels I dont realize how he feels. He said he believes me when Itold him he was just a friend. He thinks he is an Emotional friend and hes devastated, how can I tell him it was more than that? He would never recover, nor ever forgive me. If I tell him, my marriage is done. How do I give up my MM. We speak every single day. Morning till night for Seven months now. We see each other once a week, and we count the minutes until we do. He says he can talk and communicate with me and cannot with his wife. I feel the same way. We cant get enough of each other. We are so similar, we make each other laugh. I can get thru any problem just because I know he's there. Why do I have to let him go? Why cant I have some happiness? I know , I'm marrried. So I'll let him go , stay married and be miserable.

 

Nah, he doesn't believe you. He is finding out all he needs to know. He may even have hired a PI to follow you. Men don't share their toys very well (I guess except for your MM). Your marriage is already done, you just won't leave it. You want your H to still support you, to continue to pretend you are a faithful and trustworthy wife.

 

Morning til night talking? Wow. Guess we see how much your kids mean to you (the one still at home). I bet it was loads of fun at your house on Thanksgiving, seeing as you are glued to your phone. You are just continuing to give your H more and more proof of what you are doing.

 

Please don't stay married. Let your H go. Own up to all your betrayals and lies. Let him go and let him find someone who deserves his heart. Let him find someone who knows how to be honest and trustworthy and respectful. Let him find someone who only wants him and wants him for who he is, not for what he can give them (money, a home, etc).

 

 

We text as soon as hes up, on his breaks and talk at his lunch hour, on his way home and once hes home up until 10 ish. My kids are in school or work and I find ways to text when everyone is home. He says he cannot talk to his wife , open up to her and they have no passion, sex is like a chore for her. For the first 3 months , everytime he was with his W, he said he felt guilty towards me, like he was cheating on me. Has never felt guilty about us. He says his marriage is good, im going by what he says. I do sound like a child. Sometimes people stay in thier situation because its comfortable, its all they know. Its hard to go in uncharted territory. Its the unknown and its scary.

 

Obviously, you don't have a job since you spend all day sitting on a phone speaking to your lover. Nice that you spend your family time texting with with the MM. Really nice. You don't think, once this all comes out, that your kids will realize all those times you had your face in your phone that it was with the MM?

 

Keep believing he 'loves' you...how about he show you by manning up and telling his wife? Or does he want to wait and have HER leave? Many cowards do it this way....and then you, the mistress, get him by default cause he didn't care enough to leave his wife, he only became available after she left.

[elaine567]

YOU have been outed, so your husband deserves to know the truth, he is no longer in blissful ignorance, so he will be going through hell here.

 

You cannot just leave this till after the holidays, that is being totally unrealistic.

If you truly love the MM and I realise you have a long history here, not just the 7 month affair, then have the courage to just do it.

Your husband will survive, your children are almost grown up and 2 have flown the nest anyway, so do not wait till Christmas, bite the bullet and just do it now.

 

The MM though a coward, by the sounds of things probably does love you and it is not like you are going to have happy days with your husband and kids once they all find out anyway.

 

Once it is all out in the open, then what is to stop you and the MM having a nice life together?

As it is you are both hurting people who do not deserve to be hurt and lied to, tell the truth and let them be free to get on with their own lives.

[blondie51]

Blondie,

 

 

He knows. Plain and simple. What you describe is a D Day. You didn't confess or answer him honestly, so there may be doubt. But, the knowledge cannot be unlearned. Whatever you say now, you can't undo what he saw. He KNOWS. Whether or not his heart is ready to believe it is up to him.

 

 

I agree with the other posters. You need to have an honest and as kind of a conversation as possible with your husband. Where he is now is a special kind of hell. To wait until after the holidays is torture. Please don't be under any false illusion. The holidays are already ruined at your house. Allowing this tension and this emotional distress to continue any longer than it has to is not only cruel - it makes everything a 1,000 times worse.

 

 

Someone mentioned your kids. As a daughter whose father had an affair, I can share a little bit about how hard discovery is on children. First of all, my dad did what you did. He lied. He called my mother crazy. He manipulated the truth. And I believed him, mostly because I wanted to. Then, the truth came out. I was beyond crushed. I couldn't look at him. You see, I had overheard about the potential affair and he had promised me he would never do anything like that to our family. But he did. And worst of all, he lied to my mom and me. I have never been closer to hating someone in my life than I did at that moment. I remember screaming at him why wouldn't he have told me the truth? How could he have lied to us that way? If he didn't want to hurt us, why did he have an affair? Lying made it worse.

 

 

You have one child at home, two away at school and a husband in severe emotional turmoil. (And by the way, you have ABSOLUTELY no idea how he feels, but you can. Imagine losing your MM to another woman, right now and forever but he won't tell you the truth. How would that feel? That's how your husband feels, but worse. Everything he's built his whole life around is now a lie and the one woman he loves - his life partner - has not just cheated on him but is lying about it.)

 

 

Your secret is blowing wide open and you can't stop it or delay it. More than that, I have the feeling that your family is literally sitting on a powder keg. The more you lie, the more fuel gets added to the top.

 

 

Please, I beg you. Talk to your husband. Tonight. Kindly and gently. But tell him the truth and together, the two of you tell your children.

 

 

My experience was horrible. The good news? My father and I have made up. It took us years but we've both learned how to love each other again. You will have to do that work, but how much work really depends on you. Lie and the work may be insurmountable. Tell the truth and the task is so much easier.

 

Thank you, your post really got to me, opened my eyes.

[blondie51]

Thank you all I read and re-read all your responses. They definitely lifted the fog. I didn't think anything could. I appreciate all your advice, ill keep you updated.

[the_artist_1970]

Id be miserable because I wouldnt have my MM. My feelings have changed for my husband especially since MM came into my life. I do love my husband, we've shared many years together. Oh why did he have to see that text? I going to wait until after holidays, I

Hopefully wont get fully caught before then. This is the crappy part of an A.

 

Really?? So you are going to keep your DH in limbo until it's convenient for you. You are acting very selfish. Your poor husband.