sort of had a d day

[blondie51]

Really?? So you are going to keep your DH in limbo until it's convenient for you. You are acting very selfish. Your poor husband.

 

Everyone thinks I dont want to tell my husband for my own selfish reasons ,that may be partly true, but I dont want to see him destroyed, thats the first thing I thought of, believe it or not. I know what I've done is wrong and im not trying to make myself a martyr, as someone suggested. I could very easily written all the awful things I've had to deal with from my husband if I wanted sympathy. I don't want sympathy, and whatever my H has done, still does, doesn't warrant me having an A. I never cheated in all these years,I was always against that. Now it has happened and I've never felt happiness like this. Ive been battling depression thru this marriage as well as addiction(my H)issues, and we are in financial disaster because of it. Maybe this was an escape at first, I dont know, but it has turned into love. Like I said , I did have an oopportunity to come clean I didnt take it. My H would be destroyed, he would never recover. Some men would. Everyone is different. People just dont have affairs for the hell of it. Usually there are years of issues behind it. Im sure there are MOW who would agree. If I started my post about what I have been thru in my M, I think I would have a lot of different responses. I didn't want to do that, I wanted to just state thing for what they are. I appreciate all the advice, even the harsh ones.

r

[purplesorrow]

Everyone thinks I dont want to tell my husband for my own selfish reasons ,that may be partly true, but I dont want to see him destroyed, thats the first thing I thought of, believe it or not. I know what I've done is wrong and im not trying to make myself a martyr, as someone suggested. I could very easily written all the awful things I've had to deal with from my husband if I wanted sympathy. I don't want sympathy, and whatever my H has done, still does, doesn't warrant me having an A. I never cheated in all these years,I was always against that. Now it has happened and I've never felt happiness like this. Ive been battling depression thru this marriage as well as addiction(my H)issues, and we are in financial disaster because of it. Maybe this was an escape at first, I dont know, but it has turned into love. Like I said , I did have an oopportunity to come clean I didnt take it. My H would be destroyed, he would never recover. Some men would. Everyone is different. People just dont have affairs for the hell of it. Usually there are years of issues behind it. Im sure there are MOW who would agree. If I started my post about what I have been thru in my M, I think I would have a lot of different responses. I didn't want to do that, I wanted to just state thing for what they are. I appreciate all the advice, even the harsh ones.

r

 

The point you are missing is that this is no longer in your hands. Your husband knows you are cheating. I told my husband I believed his only friends story too. Then I hired a pi and went searching on my own. I found my proof and your husband will too. It is the worse feeling to know your spouse is lying to you. If he looks at your phone bill, how will explain away the all day texting. You quit protecting and not wanting to destroy him when you started cheating. You are protecting you now.

[blondie51]

The point you are missing is that this is no longer in your hands. Your husband knows you are cheating. I told my husband I believed his only friends story too. Then I hired a pi and went searching on my own. I found my proof and your husband will too. It is the worse feeling to know your spouse is lying to you. If he looks at your phone bill, how will explain away the all day texting. You quit protecting and not wanting to destroy him when you started cheating. You are protecting you now.

 

I use messenger not phone texting. Im not missing any points. He's going to hurt no matter which road I take, maybe a little less if I tell him the truth? Hurt is hurt. This really sucks and I put myself here. I'm considering everyone's advice, I really am.

[purplesorrow]

I use messenger not phone texting. Im not missing any points. He's going to hurt no matter which road I take, maybe a little less if I tell him the truth? Hurt is hurt. This really sucks and I put myself here. I'm considering everyone's advice, I really am.

 

Believe me when I say this is a special kind of he!!. Trying to figure out what's going on and the one with the answers is the one who is supposed to love you the most, but they won't help. Feeling crazy for even asking your spouse if they cheated...because you know they love you too much to do such a thing. He already knows, just be honest.

[Sub]

People just dont have affairs for the hell of it. Usually there are years of issues behind it. Im sure there are MOW who would agree. If I started my post about what I have been thru in my M, I think I would have a lot of different responses.

 

You started your other thread by saying you told the MM you were happily married. It wasn't until you got into the A that you realized your M wasn't as good as you thought. It's an apples to oranges comparison, though, that will NEVER favor your H from your current perspective.

 

And as has been said before: Your H is already going through a slow destruction. In time, he'll look back and realize you became a spectator to it. He's not going to understand that you did nothing because you didn't want to "destroy him". You need to come to grips with that.

[Harborview]

Blondie - my DH is a wayward that has multiple A's, so I'm quite experienced in the experience a BS has on D-Day, even the little ones. I'm also well read in the subject of infidelity - both for personal and professional reasons.

 

Since he now suspects your A gas-lighting will make him crazy. He probably more than suspects but is in turmoil with not wanting it to be true and needing the truth. My WH gaslighted me and it was torture, I begged him to tell me the truth, begged and pleaded. When he withheld the truth it was an utter sign of disrespect and deceit - this has been almost more difficult to heal from, it certainly has made rebuilding trust even more difficult. Your husband needs you to come clean now - with the full truth. Minimizing and lying will only cause more damage and trauma for him. There is something called "trickle-truth" or TT, which is basically once D-Day hits the WS only tells a little bit of the truth and the rest of the story slowly "trickles" out. TT is very damaging to the BS whether or not they D or R. However this will turnout - you divorce him and move on the MM or reconcile, continuing to gaslight him will only interfere with his healing and could cause even more damage if the two of you reconcile. I know you don't want to cause him anymore pain, but it's too late for that. Your choices have caught up with you and you can't protect him from the pain of your actions, but you can respect him with honesty. That's the compassionate thing to do for him. The deeper issue with not being honest is that you are trying to contain things now to keep from experiencing the consequences of your actions. It's not as much about hurting him, but minimizing your consequences. I get that. It makes sense. Right now you have no control on how much pain your husband will feel, no control on his reaction, no control on what MM will do, but you do have control on your actions, right now, you can do the right thing and that would be being honest and compassionate.

 

I also wanted to point out another aspect of the A that I've read from your posts. I don't want to minimize the intense passion that you feel with your MM, I know it's very real for you. But I did read that before you reconnected with MM that you were happy in your M. For some WS's they begin to project on their AP all of their positive traits a projection of the ideal self - it's a fantasy perfection and in turn project negative traits onto their BS to manage the emotions of being in an A. Some people call this "re-writing" the marriage story. It's a defensive coping technique to cope with the emotional disconnect of engaging in A behavior. Not every A has this dynamic, but I'm wondering if yours does. It's especially prevalent in A's with a partner from the past. You could be potentially throwing away a solid M on a defensive mechanism. I encourage you to read up on A's and get some individual counseling so you can work on this.

[whichwayisup]

Everyone thinks I dont want to tell my husband for my own selfish reasons ,that may be partly true, but I dont want to see him destroyed, thats the first thing I thought of, believe it or not.

 

Your husband is already destroyed. He knows you've at best, have had a very inappropriate friendship aka emotional affair. He just doesn't know how far it went and doesn't know details. In his mind, the truth can't be any worse than what's really happened. His mind has 'gone' there, he's thought of everything and anything. You confessing at least will confirm what he already knows and sure he'll hurt like hell but better him knowing ALL the full truth than just tiny bits and pieces of it.

 

 

I know what I've done is wrong and im not trying to make myself a martyr, as someone suggested. I could very easily written all the awful things I've had to deal with from my husband if I wanted sympathy. I don't want sympathy, and whatever my H has done, still does, doesn't warrant me having an A. I never cheated in all these years,I was always against that. Now it has happened and I've never felt happiness like this. Ive been battling depression thru this marriage as well as addiction(my H)issues, and we are in financial disaster because of it. Maybe this was an escape at first, I dont know, but it has turned into love. Like I said , I did have an oopportunity to come clean I didnt take it. My H would be destroyed, he would never recover. Some men would. Everyone is different. People just dont have affairs for the hell of it. Usually there are years of issues behind it. Im sure there are MOW who would agree. If I started my post about what I have been thru in my M, I think I would have a lot of different responses. I didn't want to do that, I wanted to just state thing for what they are. I appreciate all the advice, even the harsh ones.

 

Whatever problems in your marriage are going on doesn't justify having an affair. All that does is make things worse in the end. You know this now.

 

Start by going to marriage counseling with your husband, go from there and let this play out as it should. Your marriage counselor will help you tell him.

[blondie51]

Blondie - my DH is a wayward that has multiple A's, so I'm quite experienced in the experience a BS has on D-Day, even the little ones. I'm also well read in the subject of infidelity - both for personal and professional reasons.

 

Since he now suspects your A gas-lighting will make him crazy. He probably more than suspects but is in turmoil with not wanting it to be true and needing the truth. My WH gaslighted me and it was torture, I begged him to tell me the truth, begged and pleaded. When he withheld the truth it was an utter sign of disrespect and deceit - this has been almost more difficult to heal from, it certainly has made rebuilding trust even more difficult. Your husband needs you to come clean now - with the full truth. Minimizing and lying will only cause more damage and trauma for him. There is something called "trickle-truth" or TT, which is basically once D-Day hits the WS only tells a little bit of the truth and the rest of the story slowly "trickles" out. TT is very damaging to the BS whether or not they D or R. However this will turnout - you divorce him and move on the MM or reconcile, continuing to gaslight him will only interfere with his healing and could cause even more damage if the two of you reconcile. I know you don't want to cause him anymore pain, but it's too late for that. Your choices have caught up with you and you can't protect him from the pain of your actions, but you can respect him with honesty. That's the compassionate thing to do for him. The deeper issue with not being honest is that you are trying to contain things now to keep from experiencing the consequences of your actions. It's not as much about hurting him, but minimizing your consequences. I get that. It makes sense. Right now you have no control on how much pain your husband will feel, no control on his reaction, no control on what MM will do, but you do have control on your actions, right now, you can do the right thing and that would be being honest and compassionate.

 

I also wanted to point out another aspect of the A that I've read from your posts. I don't want to minimize the intense passion that you feel with your MM, I know it's very real for you. But I did read that before you reconnected with MM that you were happy in your M. For some WS's they begin to project on their AP all of their positive traits a projection of the ideal self - it's a fantasy perfection and in turn project negative traits onto their BS to manage the emotions of being in an A. Some people call this "re-writing" the marriage story. It's a defensive coping technique to cope with the emotional disconnect of engaging in A behavior. Not every A has this dynamic, but I'm wondering if yours does. It's especially prevalent in A's with a partner from the past. You could be potentially throwing away a solid M on a defensive mechanism. I encourage you to read up on A's and get some individual counseling so you can work on this.

 

Your post truly helped me.. I did tell my MM that I was happily married because I viewed it as since we did not argue at home and I just accepted everything in my marriage everything I was going through with the addiction problems, the financial problems and the constant lying . I felt after so many years of trying to fix things, I couldnt. So in a form of denial, I did everything to make my home happy for the children. Cooked, cleaned, never argued. Its almost like you fool yourself into believing we're happy. But down deep inside I knew what was really going on. I would just keep pushing it down. When the A started, it all came right up. Maybe I wanted to see things for what they were because it did , in some way, justify what I was doing. These posts have really affected me. I feel I should end it with MM before I tell my H. MM just called and I noticed I wasn't so lovey dovey on the phone with him. First time that has happened. Something is changing with in me. Another thing that troubles me is a few days ago MM thought I was ending it and said he would never let me go. He has to have me in some way in his life. I thought it was endearing at the time but now im starting to wonder. I want to be able to tell H- I ended it. What do you think?

[whichwayisup]

These posts have really affected me. I feel I should end it with MM before I tell my H. MM just called and I noticed I wasn't so lovey dovey on the phone with him. First time that has happened. Something is changing with in me. Another thing that troubles me is a few days ago MM thought I was ending it and said he would never let me go. He has to have me in some way in his life. I thought it was endearing at the time but now im starting to wonder. I want to be able to tell H- I ended it. What do you think?

 

Your H will know you only ended your affair because he found texts. Though I do think ending your affair is the right thing to do. After you do end with MM, you need (MUST) block him, social media, cell, everything.

[blondie51]

Your husband is already destroyed. He knows you've at best, have had a very inappropriate friendship aka emotional affair. He just doesn't know how far it went and doesn't know details. In his mind, the truth can't be any worse than what's really happened. His mind has 'gone' there, he's thought of everything and anything. You confessing at least will confirm what he already knows and sure he'll hurt like hell but better him knowing ALL the full truth than just tiny bits and pieces of it.

 

 

 

 

Whatever problems in your marriage are going on doesn't justify having an affair. All that does is make things worse in the end. You know this now.

 

Start by going to marriage counseling with your husband, go from there and let this play out as it should. Your marriage counselor will help you tell him.

 

Thank you for all your advice, you hit the nail on the head in many of your responses. I truly appreciate the time you took to help me.

[beach]

Why are you STILL participating in phone calls with your MM?

 

That means you are still willing to risk losing the marriage to take a call from the MM.

 

 

I don't see you ending the affair. You are still in it!

 

Tell your husband your truth. That will help end the affair. Your H deserves to know what is really happening.

 

Then HE has a decision to make for himself based on truth.

[beach]

Your H will know you only ended your affair because he found texts. Though I do think ending your affair is the right thing to do. After you do end with MM, you need (MUST) block him, social media, cell, everything.

 

She hasn't ended it - she's still communicating with her MM and making an even bigger joke of her husband who wants her truth from her.

 

It's cruel that you say you've ended it when YOU haven't.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for all your advice, you hit the nail on the head in many of your responses. I truly appreciate the time you took to help me.

 

You're welcome.

 

Make your marriage and husband first priority now. MM is a grown man and knew what he was getting into by having an affair, yeah he'll hurt when you end it with him, affairs don't last forever. He will have to suck it up and deal with his own pain...Don't put his pain above your H's pain. You really don't owe MM much, you're not obligated, not married to him. Your obligation and loyalty is your husband.

[blondie51]

She hasn't ended it - she's still communicating with her MM and making an even bigger joke of her husband who wants her truth from her.

 

It's cruel that you say you've ended it when YOU haven't.

 

I never said I ended it. I was thinking maybe I should end it before I tell my H.

[beach]

You end it when you simply NEVER, EVER communicate with the MM again.

 

THAT is ending it. There's no need to ever speak to him again if you intend to end it and tell your husband.

[Sassy Girl]

Everyone thinks I dont want to tell my husband for my own selfish reasons ,that may be partly true, but I dont want to see him destroyed, thats the first thing I thought of, believe it or not. I know what I've done is wrong and im not trying to make myself a martyr, as someone suggested. I could very easily written all the awful things I've had to deal with from my husband if I wanted sympathy. I don't want sympathy, and whatever my H has done, still does, doesn't warrant me having an A. I never cheated in all these years,I was always against that. Now it has happened and I've never felt happiness like this. Ive been battling depression thru this marriage as well as addiction(my H)issues, and we are in financial disaster because of it. Maybe this was an escape at first, I dont know, but it has turned into love. Like I said , I did have an oopportunity to come clean I didnt take it. My H would be destroyed, he would never recover. Some men would. Everyone is different. People just dont have affairs for the hell of it. Usually there are years of issues behind it. Im sure there are MOW who would agree. If I started my post about what I have been thru in my M, I think I would have a lot of different responses. I didn't want to do that, I wanted to just state thing for what they are. I appreciate all the advice, even the harsh ones.

r

 

I am a MOW and I still stand by my posts. You are being abusive. Stop.

[blondie51]

You end it when you simply NEVER, EVER communicate with the MM again.

 

THAT is ending it. There's no need to ever speak to him again if you intend to end it and tell your husband.

 

Just stop talking without an explanation or a goodbye? I wont do that. I feel he should know im ending it and why and it should be given proper closure.

[MuddyRock]

An affair is not a legitimate relationship and doesn't require closure.

If reconciliation with your husband is desired then cut all contact now. No final good bye nothing. You and hubby draft a no contact text and send it together. You acknowledge what you are doing is wrong and hurtful. No longing words, nothing about "wasn't meant to be". It is a slap in your husband's face to do so and shows your feelings for mm are more important then BH.

[Realist3]

I never said I ended it. I was thinking maybe I should end it before I tell my H.

 

I am getting the impression that the problems at home are a bridge too far for you both to overcome. Who knows, you telling your H the truth may start you on a new path. It just seems like that relationship is toast. People keep suggesting you 'make your husband your priority'. I really don't know if that is possible. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but I don't sense the 'want to'. That is fine. Sometimes relationships run their course.

 

I'm going to provide a slightly different angle here as to his thought process.

 

He is certainly re-evaluating his own self and your marriage, and he is likely asking himself why you did this. It may be eye-opening to him as well in his own faults.

 

Look, MM is not going anywhere. You have only been together for 7 months. If this is the real deal, he will have the maturity and understanding to give you the time you need to figure this out.

 

I still think it would be a good time to have a genteel discussion with your H, about where he wants this to go. Are you both open to working on your problems? Do either of you even want to?

 

I empathize with you, I really do. The inherent problems in my relationship with my wife are never going to be overcome to either of our satisfaction 85%. It is just not going to happen. We both recognize that.

 

Have this discussion, and see where it leads you both.

[bathtub-row]

Just stop talking without an explanation or a goodbye? I wont do that. I feel he should know im ending it and why and it should be given proper closure.

 

I agree. This is a cruel and unrealistic way to handle things.

[whichwayisup]

Just stop talking without an explanation or a goodbye? I wont do that. I feel he should know im ending it and why and it should be given proper closure.

 

You write him a long email, end it and wish him well. Put whatever you feel you need to in that email so you can be at peace when you send it. What you would hope for if he was the one ending it and sending you a goodbye email.

 

Though, I'm sure your MM knows the A is going to end since there's been a d day. He isn't stupid and he certainly won't be shocked it's coming. Most affairs end once a d day happens.

 

But, make it clear to him that there is to be no contact afterwards, receiving one email back from him is fair but after the goodbye's, that's it, you block him and grieve, get yourself to marriage counseling. Use the same therapist for one on one and marriage counseling with your husband.

[blondie51]

I am getting the impression that the problems at home are a bridge too far for you both to overcome. Who knows, you telling your H the truth may start you on a new path. It just seems like that relationship is toast. People keep suggesting you 'make your husband your priority'. I really don't know if that is possible. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but I don't sense the 'want to'. That is fine. Sometimes relationships run their course.

 

I'm going to provide a slightly different angle here as to his thought process.

 

He is certainly re-evaluating his own self and your marriage, and he is likely asking himself why you did this. It may be eye-opening to him as well in his own faults.

 

Look, MM is not going anywhere. You have only been together for 7 months. If this is the real deal, he will have the maturity and understanding to give you the time you need to figure this out.

 

I still think it would be a good time to have a genteel discussion with your H, about where he wants this to go. Are you both open to working on your problems? Do either of you even want to?

 

I empathize with you, I really do. The inherent problems in my relationship with my wife are never going to be overcome to either of our satisfaction 85%. It is just not going to happen. We both recognize that.

 

Have this discussion, and see where it leads you both.

 

Thank you, I feel you really heard me

[Realist3]

I agree. This is a cruel and unrealistic way to handle things.

 

 

It is cruel. And that is not the way it should be handled. She needs to let him know there needs to be a break; it may be for good or only a few months until this gets sorted out.

 

I will say this in more blunt terms, from what has been written by the OP the M is likely beyond repair, regardless of the affair.

[Realist3]

Thank you, I feel you really heard me

 

Believe me, I heard you. Take a step back, and let things calm down a bit.

[lovinDKT3]

Just a few things I've noticed since you have been posting.

 

1) your marriage has gotten worse with every post. As a poster already pointed out you started saying your marriage was happy. That was the truth, everything that has since followed is rewriting the marriage and justisfing your actions.

 

2) your reason for not telling your husband seems to be more about keeping him in the dark to prolong your affair.

 

Why?

 

3) you seem to be trying to convince yourself that this affair and MM is the real deal. Truth is I don't think you really believe any of it. You seem to really want to but you don't.

 

When you had the chance to fess up you went into self preservation mode, it had nothing to do with protecting your husband, it was about protecting first your affair and MM then yourself. Only later did your husbands well being come into play.

 

I was there, I understand the feelings and I told myself the same lies. I will say this, everything from now on will look and feel so different. I think you have already noticed and felt it as you have already started to get distance from your affair and MM.

 

Lastly, stop it with the over dramatics. Your husband will be hurt, angry disgusted but he will live, and go on. That isn't your true fear. Your true fear is shame and guilt. You don't want to face the fallout, and somewhere within you may feel that your husband will reject you.

 

Time to get honest, stop hiding behind crap to hold still and not make movement in either direction. Closure is bull, your in an affair and your both adults. This means you both know the possible outcomes from it being over without notice to being thrown out of the family home. Just stop with all the crap.