Am i just deluding myself?

[fire_angel94]

It's my first ever relationship.

 

My boyfriend(or rather ex right now) and I have constantly been on the edge of our relationship. He would get sick of our fights and my defensive attitude while I get tired having to endure his temper as he gets angry over the smallest issues. I know fights are inevitable in every relationship but we constantly break up and patch back together because both of us can't put down our pride and accept that we're both in the wrong until much later.

 

I constantly feel that I have to go back and apologise because I know he wouldn't. I want to feel like I mean the world to him and every time we patch back we will both promise to never mention breaking up again and to work towards a future but it gets quickly forgotten after a bad fight.

 

I know he says things he doesn't mean and that's why I'm always so quick to go back and just apologise for my part. He will only apologise sincerely after it's all good. He also constantly reminds me that he 'hasn't gotten over the previous bad episode(s) and he's still hurt, and that he can't stand me' whenever we fight after that.

 

My friends and family are telling me I'm better without. I know we have a lot of issues but can somebody understand that I just want to try to make things work. I keep telling myself that he will change and all he needs is someone to love him unconditionally. Am i just delusional? I really want to be the one to stick by him because I love him so much. I try my best to be rational and to look past his constant raging over my absentmindedness and over losing a game due to me not being good enough, ridiculous as it sounds.

 

We broke up yesterday because he raged at me for being a burden on the team (I really hate playing dota2 now) and i was 'ignoring him' cause I had nothing to say and I was just begrudgingly accepting whatever he said as right.

 

I wouldn't hide it. I was being immature too. After the raging about my decision making skills and how i'm just a burden (I already warned him and I refused to play with him for a month prior because I knew this would happen...again) He proceeded to rage at me for eating snacks instead of the proper dinner prepared for us downstairs. Before the game while he was still in a good mood he didn't say anything about it and he even took some of the snacks I opened. Suddenly, after the bad game, he gets angry at me for eating snacks. I couldn't take it anymore and dumped the remaining in the bin - which got him even more upset because he bought them for me. I know I was wrong in that sense. I know I had a bad attitude but is it wrong of me to get angry? I have emotions too...

 

I don't know what to do anymore.

He told me to get out and never come back.

Seems he's fine even without me.

And it hurt to be thrown aside so readily especially after all the talk about not giving up on each other.

 

I know when he's mad he just says whatever he wants with no filter.

But I also know I'm giving myself excuses.

 

Sorry for the long read

[rec88]

If you're looking for advice, acknowledge that you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who can't control their emotions while playing a video game. Huge red flag.

[fire_angel94]

Thanks for the reply.

 

We've talked about it numerous times. He's promised to always keep it in check but he never does. Or at least not notably.

 

He always says he's trying to and I want to give him credit for that too(he's gotten better compared to how it was in the beginning) but i feel that it isn't enough.

[rec88]

It's good to give him credit when he tries. At the same time, you need to have your boundaries and hold them. If you feel it isn't enough, then it probably isn't.

 

It might help to define what exactly would be enough. It's easier to make a decision when you can say "I expect _______ from you and I'm not seeing it."

[Arieswoman]

fireangel_94,

 

Am i just deluding myself?

- yes.

 

I get tired having to endure his temper as he gets angry over the smallest issues

 

We broke up yesterday because he raged at me for being a burden on the team

 

He proceeded to rage at me for eating snacks instead of the proper dinner prepared for us downstairs.

 

Just read what you've written. ^^^ This man is abusive. This relationship is not healthy. You need to get out of it and stay out.

 

If you feel you have some issues then do some work on yourself - but you can't do that in a relationship with him.

 

Please leave this man, as I can see this escalating into Domestic Violence if you stay.

 

Good luck x

[chados]

it sounds like he cant stand you. i think the best you can do is to talk to him about it and tell him that you cant be with him if he continues like this.. you see if someone gets mad at you all the time, chances are pretty big that he's staying with you because its convinuent ..

[lolablue17]

My wife and i were throwing kitchen pots and glasses and forks at each others when we were BF and GF in the early times. We had huge fights over nothing (why did you eat my yogurt?).

 

We're happily married for over 20 years now...

[chados]

My wife and i were throwing kitchen pots and glasses and forks at each others when we were BF and GF in the early times. We had huge fights over nothing (why did you eat my yogurt?).

 

We're happily married for over 20 years now...

 

 

haha yeah isnt it redicilious how much people complain nowadays. my girlfriend complained about things i still to this day cannot understand. i mean nobody is perfect so try your best to fix the problem by talking. just my two cents

[fire_angel94]

Thanks everyone.

 

Well, we've been together for a year and a half.

There was once it got so bad I called a counselling hotline.

 

But there were great times too.

When he's not angry he's actually really sweet and treats me well.

He takes care of me, brings me out and cooks for me too.

 

If it were a simple abusive relationship I wouldn't tolerate it for a second.

But I can tell he really loves me underneath all the anger and that's what's making me so torn between giving up on him or being with him regardless.

 

If there are any guys with anger management problems too, how do you cope with it? :/

[chados]

Thanks everyone.

 

Well, we've been together for a year and a half.

There was once it got so bad I called a counselling hotline.

 

But there were great times too.

When he's not angry he's actually really sweet and treats me well.

He takes care of me, brings me out and cooks for me too.

 

If it were a simple abusive relationship I wouldn't tolerate it for a second.

But I can tell he really loves me underneath all the anger and that's what's making me so torn between giving up on him or being with him regardless.

 

If there are any guys with anger management problems too, how do you cope with it? :/

 

 

well normally it happens when something is bothering you in life, wether its you or something else. doesnt mean you have done something wrong. talk to him about it.

[FusionCutter]

Thanks everyone.

 

Well, we've been together for a year and a half.

There was once it got so bad I called a counselling hotline.

 

But there were great times too.

When he's not angry he's actually really sweet and treats me well.

He takes care of me, brings me out and cooks for me too.

 

If it were a simple abusive relationship I wouldn't tolerate it for a second.

But I can tell he really loves me underneath all the anger and that's what's making me so torn between giving up on him or being with him regardless.

 

If there are any guys with anger management problems too, how do you cope with it? :/

 

Real men don't have anger management issues. Don't strive to be with someone with someone who rages over a video game. Seriously.

[Zahara]

I know fights are inevitable in every relationship but we constantly break up and patch back together because both of us can't put down our pride and accept that we're both in the wrong until much later.

I constantly feel that I have to go back and apologise because I know he wouldn't.

 

Unfortunately, you're the only one that keeps chasing after him and trying to make things better. If anything, you keep showing him that you are weak and dependent and that is why he never makes any attempt to fight for you. In that sense, it is very telling as to how much he values you because if I love someone, you best be sure I'm going to want to resolve and move on from it.

 

I know he says things he doesn't mean and that's why I'm always so quick to go back and just apologise for my part.

 

So, you're apologizing for his behavior? More so, enabling it actually. You're quick to apologize because you need to appease him because you fear rocking the boat and him leaving you.

 

He will only apologise sincerely after it's all good. He also constantly reminds me that he 'hasn't gotten over the previous bad episode(s) and he's still hurt, and that he can't stand me' whenever we fight after that.

 

The poor guy is so scarred by all the horrible episodes that it gives him a pass to act like a jerk.

 

My friends and family are telling me I'm better without.

 

They are right.

 

I keep telling myself that he will change and all he needs is someone to love him unconditionally. Am i just delusional?

 

You can't love someone out of their dysfunction. Love isn't enough.

 

I really want to be the one to stick by him because I love him so much. I try my best to be rational and to look past his constant raging over my absentmindedness and over losing a game due to me not being good enough, ridiculous as it sounds.

 

It is ridicilous. Raging over a video game and snacks. I can't imagine how he will behave if something actually drastic happened.

 

We broke up yesterday because he raged at me for being a burden on the team

 

He proceeded to rage at me for eating snacks instead of the proper dinner prepared for us downstairs.

 

Suddenly, after the bad game, he gets angry at me for eating snacks. I couldn't take it anymore and dumped the remaining in the bin - which got him even more upset because he bought them for me.

 

He's a controlling, manipulative bully.

 

I know I was wrong in that sense. I know I had a bad attitude but is it wrong of me to get angry? I have emotions too...

 

You're a meek mouse. I know I was wrong. I had to apologize first. I know I shouldn't have had emotions. I know he doesn't mean it. Stop it.

 

He told me to get out and never come back. Seems he's fine even without me. And it hurt to be thrown aside so readily especially after all the talk about not giving up on each other.

 

Talk is cheap. Focus on how he treats you. And cooking and taking you out doesn't a good boyfriend make. Respect, love, trust, compassion, empathy, security -- values that make a good boyfriend. Any bufoon can take someone out and cook for them. And if you said he cares for you, CARE is genuine if it is consistent. Not care for you one day and rage on you the next.

 

I know when he's mad he just says whatever he wants with no filter.

But I also know I'm giving myself excuses.

 

Yes, excuses. You don't get a free pass for bad behavior.

Edited December 2, 2014 by Zahara