Sometimes feel that mother favors sister

[Lovely Difficulties]

I know that this is going to sound a bit petty, but would like some feedback on ways to handle. I have a younger sister who is 8 years younger than me. I love my sister, and we have never had a problem getting along. While I know my mother loves both of us, I've just always felt that she favors my sister. My father, I don't see it as favoritism on his part, more just a different type of relationship with each one of us. I don't ever tell my mother this because I know she would be hurt, but more just want to know ways that I can handle it myself. Ever since I went away to college, I feel that my mother's main focus has been on my sister.

 

I remember even when I was having a hard time finding a job after college, and I would talk to them about my different ambitions, I was criticized for being self-centered. My mother would say that all I ever did was talk about myself. However, when I would call home, I felt that all my mother did was talk about my sister, what she was doing, things she was workings towards, new activities she was trying, new boys that she might be interested in, etc. I felt that when I was in college they did not nearly visit me as much, but sometimes my mother will even go visit my sister just for the day.

 

I truly wish this didn't bother me, and I know it's unfair to compare the two relationships. I just can't help but feel a little sting here, even when my mother posts about my sister on Facebook. I don't doubt that my mother loves me and that I'm lucky to have her as my mother, but I do feel that she favors my sister. She also gets along with my sister better at her age than she did me. For some reason, our relationship always felt strained. I also do think they have more in common and my mother sees more of herself in my sister. I also feel that she was much harder on me about things than my sister, as when my sister talks about her future and goals, my mom is excited/proud. She is her advocate, whereas me, I felt she was critical. When I call home, my mother still mainly talks about my sister. On the other hand, I feel like I've had to do a lot of things on my own that don't get recognized, so perhaps that's why I felt the need to talk about myself more.

 

I'm now more established. I live across the country from my family with a full-time job, and I call home regularly and am just used to hearing mainly about my sister. I am proud of her as well and do love her, and we do get along well. This is why I wish it didn't bother me when my mother talks about her. My relationship with my parents is good, and I would never tell them that I felt this way. I sometimes feel empty/lonely and miss my family, and I'm not sure if it's because I wish I could be closer or more that I seek validation for their love for me and that's also why I tend to call so frequently.

 

Any advice??

Edited December 1, 2014 by sassiechik21

[hotpotato]

Your mother may like your sister better. Accept it and move on.

Parents are only human. Many people may click with person a better than witg person b. Thats life.

[davema]

I would say to just find solace in your work and your own close circle of friends and such. Mothers are funny. Dads too. But my Mom is similar, talks to me all the time about my sister who is 5 years younger, like she needs more help in life. Mom worries about her more than she does me and when I call, talks so much about my sister and hardly asks about how I am doing until the end of the phone call, "Oh anyway enough about all that, how have you been doing?". Like she assumes all must be fine with me, matter of fact

 

 

Sometimes I think it's just that she feels I'm more adjusted, have my thing going on that she doesn't need to worry about me but is worried about my sister and has to talk about her all the time. Sometimes I feel 'What about me, Mom?' but not much because I'm happy to just have my close gang of friends. I too live quite a ways from Mom and Dad so I can relate.

[Lovely Difficulties]

Thanks for the responses. I'm wondering if this feeling stems from being so far away from my family and my sister is close by. I've been "away" from home for quite a while, as I went to graduate school out of state. Then I took a job even further away from my family. I don't think I want to stay at the job that I am at, but I've been getting some interviews at really great companies in the area. I've looked for jobs near my family and nothing..

[Gloria25]

Your mother may like your sister better. Accept it and move on.

Parents are only human. Many people may click with person a better than witg person b. Thats life.

 

Agreed ^^

 

Unfortunately many parents sorta "favor" and/or feel closer to one or more of their kids over their other kids. I mean, even when I had subordinates under me, I also had ones I just naturally "clicked" better with.

 

But, what I don't agree with is parents, supervisors, etc. who aren't conscious of how their favoritism influences others. I believed I treated my subordinates equally and did not let my favoritism show.

 

BTW, in my family it's quite the opposite. My mum and dad favor the f-d up kids. I actually brought that up this week when I was arguing with one of my siblings - which is my mum likes them cuz they relate to each other's selfish - kids come last, guys come first - ways.

 

Now my dad, while you'd think a parent would be proud of their children's accomplishments - not my dad. He pretty much envies, hates, and tries to break you down. I remember every now and then he'd recount a story where as a kid he was trying to sell stuff instead of go to school and how his mum threw away his stuff. So, I guess he grew up to crush his own kids who try and/or have any successes.

 

As a side note, I think my grandma meant well cuz duh, you want your kids to go to school - but my grandma, like my dad, just didn't know how to "talk" to people. I mean, she'd say stuff that would make your mouth just drop to the ground. Plus, my dad's dad wasn't in the picture - so maybe my dad had an issue with a female trying to impose discipline on him.

Edited December 6, 2014 by Gloria25

[Ronni_W]

While I know my mother loves both of us, I've just always felt that she favors my sister. ... I don't ever tell my mother this because I know she would be hurt,

At the same time, you are being unfair to your mother by not giving her a chance to (a) tell you things from her perspective and/or, (b) improve how she's relating with you.

 

It's possible that you are more independent than your sister...and your mother recognized this long ago, and has developed her relationship with each of you based on her perceptions of each of you.

-OR - This could just be your mother's perception of you, that is not entirely accurate. In which case, it's up to you to start the conversation that will fix the distortions in her perception of you, and help her to see and know you better, and give her truer information about your actual wants, needs, expectations, preferences for your relationship with her.

Similarly, it's possible that she could have perceived, again rightly or wrongly, that you have more potential than your sister -- however your mom defines "potential".

 

That is, one possibility is that your mom could be coming from her perceptions that run along the lines of, "Oh, sassiechik is like this, and she likes this and doesn't like this, so she needs this, this and this, to thrive and reach her full potential. But sister-of-sassiechik is like that, and she likes that and doesn't like that, so she needs that, that and that, to thrive and reach her full potential."

Some of your mother's perceptions will be accurate...but others will not be. She won't know her distortions about you, until you tell her...and you won't know what they are, until you ask her.

 

I get your desire to want to handle it yourself -- that's actually where I got the idea of your independent nature -- but handling it yourself also means finding the courage to have the difficult conversations that aim to improve things...for yourself, your family relationships, your community at large, etc.

 

Not that it is always easy, but the positive results can be very rewarding.

Hugs and best.

Edited December 6, 2014 by Ronni_W

[Radu]

I was lucky enough not to have parents that showed favoritism that much [the first child always has laxer or stricter rules ... it's the trial child].

 

But my grandparents ... wow.

I've been the ungratefull bastard grandson that needed punishment because i was born the wrong gender [my sister was the only granddaughter].

And with the other set of grandparents i've been the 2nd class child; at one point their favorite grandson through a rock at my head, i ended up with a gash [well ... it happened several times] and nothing came of it because i must have caused it somehow .... i think the worst was when he threw a small axe at me with clear intent to harm me.

 

My advice ... don't let it be the unspoken thing in the room, mention and say it.

It's up to you how serious you want to make it, but understand that these ppl's memory is very selective.

[pink_sugar]

My grandmother is like this with my aunt and my mom and it's really obvious, yet my grandmother is in serious denial about it. It could also be due to the distance between her and my mom and they just don't see each other often. However mom and my aunt don't get along as a result. You need to try to ignore it and limit time with mom if it's getting to you.

[Radu]

Parents who do this to a great extent are actually afraid of their children deep down.

So they use it as a method to separate them, to sow discord between them.

 

Put yourself in their situation, are you going to favor the weaker child or the stronger child ?

 

If you favor the stronger child, he/she might grow even stronger and become a threat.

 

Gotta crush that ego !!!