Having a very difficult time...

[Pascoe]

I am going to try do this first post as succinctly as possible...

 

I was involved with a woman for 14 years. It was constantly "off and on" but we never really parted ways for more than a couple of weeks.

 

When our relationship was good it was very good, the best one could imagine. But within a few days it would be back to arguing. The arguments would be very bad with constant threats of breaking up coming from both sides.

 

Our relationship started in the form of an affair. We worked together and were mutually attracted. I know the affair was wrong and have no excuse for the disloyalty to my wife at the time. She has three children from her marriage and I have two from mine. Within a couple of months of both of us being divorced she began talking about marriage. I explained to her that I was not ready. I had extreme feelings of guilt regarding the affair and was concerned with how it would effect my children if we were to get married. I felt my children would feel as if they were being replaced by her children.

 

The talks from her about marriage were constant. It was as if it consumed her. She would go a couple of weeks at a time without talking about it but would then bring it back up. When we would argue everything would go back to us not being married. She would say that "all we ever fight about is marriage" so if we are married there will be nothing left to fight over.

 

After being together for 10 years I decided I would give in... I ask her to marry me and gave her a ring. I told her that I wanted some space regarding the wedding as I still had unresolved issues regarding the feelings of guilt and the effect moving in with her children would have with my children. She said that she understood and would back off now that she had a commitment. That lasted 2 days. 2 days after giving her the ring she stated that she wanted to start talking about planning the wedding. I was at a loss and did not know what to say.

 

We would set a time frame to get married with the condition that she would just let us be together and not to have to constantly talk about wedding plans. Usually the time frame would be about six months out. She would tell me that all she wanted to do was go to the justice of the peace. I would tell her that was fine. She would then start an argument saying that I was going to "break the plans"... I would tell her how does she know I am going to break the plans when they date is six months away. This was the constant "battle" going back and forth.

 

In addition to my hesitancy of my guilt and issues surrounding the children she would constantly change residences. She would move from apartment to house, back in with her mother, to a town house, back to an apartement, etc... He reasoning would range from "the kids are not happy here" to "this house is ugly". I felt if I had married her she would want to be constantly moving around from house to house. During this time she has gone through a bankruptcy due to not managing her finances. I would loan her money but she would always pay me back. Until once last year she stated that she needed to borrow $3,000 and would pay me back in about a month. A few months later she did pay back $1,500 but never paid back the remainder. I never made an issue over it and just let it go. I make a decent living and have worked very hard to put myself in a favorable financial position.

 

During the past year or so she would tell me that I "didn't want to share". I would ask her what she means by that and she would never give me a straight answer. I can only assume she was talking about finances as I would always give her what she wanted other as she would put it "just jumping in with both feet".

 

She did move in with me back in 2011. That lasted about 8 months... I can't recall her specific reason for wanting to move out right now. All I remember is laying in bed one night and her giving me back her ring and saying she thought it would be a good idea if we just dated.

 

Over the past three years she has ask for her ring back on multiple occasions. I would tell her how much it hurt that she gave it back and that I was not ready to give it back. I told her if we were really meant to be together the ring, marriage, etc... means nothing as it is just a symbol.

 

We tried going to counseling and after both of us pleading our cases to the counselor it was suggested that the words wedding, marriage and engagement ring not be brought up for a period of six months. That lasted 3 days. It was literally three days before she was talking about marriage...

 

We went on a vacation together with all of the kids in the spring of this year. All of the kids got along great for being the first time they were really together for an extended period. We had a great time. One of the best times I had ever had... Knowing I was there with her and all of the children was just the best time.

 

When we got back from vacation I had taken an extra day off to unpack and do some things around the house. She called and said that she wanted to come down because she missed me. She said that she had a "lump in my throat" from being away. The next couple of months were the best that I had ever had with her. She was not talking about marriage and we were just "getting along". I was telling people that I work with that I believed I was really ready to make the next step with her and was planning to ask her to marry me. I felt like we were finally on the right path.

 

In June she moved back in with me. Within a couple of weeks things began to go down hill. Her kids would have friends over to house constantly. I am not talking about 1 or 2 but 6 to 8 teenagers. I told her I did not mind her kids having friends over but I wanted it to be Ok'd by the both of us. I was raised that if I had a friend over and I ask my Mom the response I would receive was "Ok but ask your father" and if I ask my Dad the response I would receive was "Ok but ask your mother". She thought it was ridiculous that the kids should have to ask to have friends over and even more ridiculous that I should have the final "Ok". I tried to explain that I was not telling her that I should have the final say but that it should be something that was Ok with the both of us.

 

In August she tells me that she may interview for a new job. I ask her about this job and she tells me that it would require her to travel out of town 21 out of every 28 days. She is a claims representative and the job was on the "national catastrophe unit"... I ask her if she could really take being away from the kids for that amount of time or away from me for that amount of time. She responds by saying that her daughter is going to start college in two years and she is going to lose her child support in that same time frame. She advised that the 45% raise will help pay for the college. She then says that there is no way she can be away from the kids. Her oldest son, 20, has a two year old son and she says there is no way she can be away from her grandson. About three weeks later I get a text "I got the job". When I arrived home I ask her what job she was talking about. She responds the job on the "national catastrophe unit". I ask her about "what about spending time together?" She says that I am not around that much anyway so it will be no different.

 

She left on her first assignment in September. The night before I told her that I really did not want her to leave but we would do whatever we needed to do to make it work. In the meantime her children were still living with me and we were to take care of her three dogs. I drove her to the airport and gave her a hug and kiss and to text me when she landed.

 

About 10 days into her first assignment she tells me she is going to move out when she gets home. Over the next couple of weeks I call her and try to talk to her, make suggestions on how we can make it work, etc... She tells me that this is exactly what she expected "as soon as I tell you I am going to leave you want to work on things".

 

She moved all of her things out at the end of October. I was not home when she did all of this and have not had any contact with her other than a couple of texts regarding the cell phone bills...

 

Back in June of this year she ask if she could put all of her kids cell phones as well as her cell phone on my account. She advised that she would pay the bill and has done so other than the last couple of months being late with the bill. The texts were from me to her asking if she was going to pay the bill due to getting me getting texts from Verizon stating the phones were going to be cut off unless the bill was paid.

 

Tonight I go to the Verizon website to check to see if the bill has been paid. While there I notice that I can check to see which phones have been sending/receiving messages, calls, etc... I check her phone and discover that she has been sending/receiving texts and calls from a guy who was a distant friend of mine. She has sent/received over 1500 texts from him since the 14th of this month as well has made/received many phone calls.

 

After finding the information regarding the texts/phone calls I sent her a text asking if she was seeing anyone or was considering seeing anyone. She did not respond but texted the other guy back and forth for about 20 minutes after she received my text.

 

I have been going to a counselor for the past month trying to work on myself. I have been reading everything I can on the web regarding relationships and what I could do to make this work. I really love this girl and can not imagine being without her.

 

I really never imagined us being apart or with anyone else other than each other. I feel heartbroken to think of her with someone else and can not imagine being with anyone else other than her.

 

I am sure many on this forum have been through this ordeal or at least something very similar.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my "novel". Any advice, suggestions, etc... will be greatly appreciated.

[Michael 93]

Pascoe, I'm not going to lie but I'm slightly devastated as I wrote out a huge post and then accidentally selected the refresh button

 

You need to understand you have given this all you can give.

 

You are not in control as things stand. Focus on yourself and appreciate you gave this your best shot man, Work on yourself and do things that make you happy.

 

The holidays are coming up and this will be a difficult period. Relax, recharge and come back stronger. spend time with loved ones and focus on improving you.

 

There is not much you can do as things stand. You are not in control. Take control of what you can. And that is yourself.

 

You will never lose on an investment in improving yourself!

[Pascoe]

Michael...

 

Thank you very much for the response, I greatly appreciate it. I wish I could have read your post before it was lost.

 

I know that I am not in control over anything other than myself...

 

All of the things you stated are spot on and I do understand.

 

However, I have not slept in two days. It feels like I have to labor to even breathe. Everyone at the office kept asking me what was wrong today. I tried to put on my best but even those I am not close to kept asking "is everything Ok?"

 

Right now I keep telling myself I wish I would have just "jumped in" and married her. The bad times we had were nothing compared to the pain I feel right now. I may have mentioned it before but she told me a few weeks before she left "this sucks arguing all the time". I said "I know but at least we are together and I will take being together with you over the alternative".

 

She always told me I was the love of her life and she loved me with all of her heart.

 

I do have more as she did respond to my text... I will get to it later.

 

Any further advice is GREATLY appreciated!!!

[Pascoe]

Even though I have been feeling this great amount of pain I really had not just broken down and cried.

 

I started thinking about all of the things I was really going to miss about her such as the way she grabbed my hand when we would get out of the car, seeing something really cool and not being able to wait to tell her about it... all of those little things that really seem insignificant but they are the things that all add up and that I loved about her... after thinking about those things I had a major meltdown. For the past few weeks I had been wondering why I had not cried over all of this... I wanted to because I thought it would make me feel better. After sobbing for about 20 minutes I actually did feel somewhat better for a little while. Just being able to recognize and look back on all of the things that seemed insignificant about her that I just adored made me feel happy that I actually experienced those feelings. I believe she felt the same way at the time and that is what made it so great when our relationship was "good".

 

Anyway, I she did finally respond to the following e-mail:

 

Julie,

 

Please understand that I am not trying in any way to interfere with your life or you moving on... I would just appreciate it if you could be honest with me and tell me if you are seeing someone or have a prospective someone in your life.

 

There are so many things I would like to say to you but I understand that you may not want to hear them.

 

Chris

 

Her response was as follows:

 

Okay, I am going to answer your questions:

 

1- yes, I am dating and of course it did not happen until I moved out.

 

2- you are correct, I don't want to hear what you want to say because you have had 14 years to say it and I am not going to engage the conversation.

 

hope you have a good holiday.

 

I guess what hurts the most is that I know now that it is over. If she were not seeing someone else I could see some hope that maybe we could attempt to work out our differences.

 

A couple of people have told me "don't worry, she will be back as soon as this relationship with the new guy does not work out". I always thought he was a "good guy" but learned today he and his wife were divorced because he cheated on her and there was some rumor of physical abuse.

 

Maybe I am being shallow but the fact that she even considers being with someone else is enough for me to not be able to go back. Even in our worst moments I always felt as if we "had one another's back". As if we could be in a knock down, drag out, rager of a fight and if one said "please, I need you right now" there would be no hesitation from either of us to be right there...

 

However, I don't see her ever coming back or trying to reestablish any part of this relationship. Coming back and saying "I am sorry, I made a mistake for leaving you" is not in her DNA. I believe she would see that as a sign of "weakness" and an admission that she was wrong.

 

Anyway, Michael or anyone else please feel free to offer any advice, critique, etc... for the way I am processing this situation. I feel like I am "back and forth" and have no clarity in my thinking.

[love2ride]

I know what its like bud. I sent an email and i got the response I didn't wanna hear. Move on, find a girl who will love you completely. I'm dating and trying to move on with my life and your emails are just adding stress.

 

We have to let go. I hope that maybe her rebound doesn't work out and when it does she will be back. I want her so bad. But I have to move on and try and recover like she will never come back. If she does I can consider it then but I need to heal so I can date as well.

[Pascoe]

love2ride...

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I do hope your situation works out.

 

Right now I really have no interest in dating and the thought of being with someone else has not even crossed my mind.

 

A couple of weeks ago a friend tried to "fix me up" with a friend of her's. I admit, she was an attractive lady and I am sure she has a great personality but I just could not imagine myself being with anyone else.

 

Is this normal? Or does it appear I am in for the remainder of my life being gloomy?

[love2ride]

I feel the same as you thats why I don't understand how my ex can date. Ive had the opportunity to have sex and couldn't even get turned on because I was thinking of my ex, been on dates and am miserable because nobody comes close to my ex physically or mentally. When I meet someone it makes me miss her more and confirms to me how much I just want her back. Its out of my hands now and its up to her. I don't know hoe she can do it.

[Pascoe]

I know what you mean... There is definitely no way I can even think of having sex with someone else. That is one thing she and I always had up until the last couple of months of the relationship. Our sex life was over the top, out of this world. I guess it was just because I felt like I had such a deep connection with her.

 

In the last couple of months of the relationship when our sex life was "stalling" it makes me wonder if the other guy was already in the picture.

 

There was an odd situation that took place back on August 1st of this year. There was a large country music concert in town. For promotional purposes of my employer several employees were there to chaperone the patrons. Knowing that her sons are fans of country music I was able to get tickets for them. For whatever reason, I don't recall, she and her sons were unable to attend. After the concert several of us went out to a bar. I called her and ask her to meet up there. She obliged and when was there without her sons when I arrived. I walk in and the guy she is currently with was there talking to her. Having known him through common circles, we both auto race, we talked about racing for about an hour. He said that he had to get home and as he left he leaned on the bar with his back to me talking to her. I thought it was kind of odd as they talked for a minute or two. I thought he should have just passed by her and said "it was good seeing you, take care" and kept walking. At the time I still had these strong feelings of our loyalty to one another and just thought "they worked together a few years ago so it is no big deal".

[love2ride]

We can't look back and try and figure **** out. Its so bad. I did that and also tried to interpret her messages and emails and what she was actually saying. Its easy to convince yourself of some pretty horrible scenarios. The truth is I have no clue what my ex is doing, how her dates are going or if she is happy. She could be telling me a bunch of lies to make me envious and jealous cause it keeps me trying to get her back. She could be sitting there missing me but fighting it off better than me. She could be having an amazing time with some hunk. It doesn't really matter. We have to move on and make us happy. We have to stop thinking about them and wondering. I bet you anything as soon as you start to move on and get happy she will pop back in the picture. I personally know my ex still has feelings for me because she has eluded to that on a number of occasions. I think she is dating so she can replace me and the loneliness but I think it will backfire. Soon her emotions will come out and her rebound guy won't seem so amazing and she will realize what she lost and come begging me to come back. Then i can give her the big middle finger. LOL i hope it will go like that anyway.

[Pascoe]

Soon her emotions will come out and her rebound guy won't seem so amazing and she will realize what she lost and come begging me to come back. Then i can give her the big middle finger. LOL i hope it will go like that anyway.

 

You and me both brother, you and me both...

 

It seems like you are into the "logical phase" of all of this and I am stuck in the "emotional phase".

 

I just went back and looked at the old phone bills and it appears she and her new guy were making contact in middle September. Of course, it could have been earlier... who knows...

 

Tomorrow we are splitting the phones so I will not have a way to look at all of the 1500 texts they send to one another every week. I went through my house and put everything in the trash that reminded me of her. One of the most painful was the "Lone Survivor" DVD that she purchased for me over the summer.

[love2ride]

Good for you, getting rid of any memory triggers is the best. Get rid of everything. Make it so there is no reason to contact you, then go NC until you are better. If she sends breadcrumbs ignore them. Block her on social media, become a ghost. Make her wonder what you are doing. It will make her crazy. Women take longer to miss us then we do for them. It will happen

[lil hoodlum]

Your orginal posting was difficult to take in Pascoe.

 

First off it sounds like your relationship was toxic at times. All of the fighting is not healthy. She also couldn't respect that you wanted her to back of with the constant pressure of marriage talk. In your own words, you said that after 10 years together you decided to give in. Doesn't sound like you were really all that on board to marry her. It's ok, not judging you.

 

I am of the opinion that she left you for this other guy and likely something was going on while the two of you were together.

 

Sorry to hear of your pain. I know how devasting it feels.

 

Just try to move on from this. While the two of you loved each other at one point, the relationship sounded very unhealthy. I think as time goes on you will begin to view the relationship differently.

[Pascoe]

lil hoodlum... Thanks for the response and insight. In doing some further research on toxic relationships it appears as if it was...

 

For instance, the majority of the arguments we would have it would always be something that I did or did not do. It would always go back to "we fight because we are not married and I do not feel secure". I would say to her "we live together and I have never given you any reason to feel insecure" and I would stress to her that I had no desire to be with anyone else other than her.

 

From my point of view one of our biggest differences is that she is a very impulsive person. I rarely do anything on impulse. I am the sort of person that before I make a purchase I research the potential purchase from every available aspect and only if it appears to make financial sense do I make the purchase. If she saw something she wanted she would buy it on the spot. For example, her daughter recently turned 16. When she moved in with me back in June she began talking about getting a car for her daughter. She stated that she wanted to buy her daughter a newer Mustang. I told her that I did not feel a Mustang was a wise choice for a 16 year old inexperienced driver and suggested we look for a cheaper car. She disagreed and said that her daughter really wants a Mustang. To avoid any argument I agreed that I would help her find a suitable Mustang for her daughter. I road race Mustangs so I am very familiar and able to do maintenance, etc... She tells me her budget for the Mustang is $10,000. She calls me one afternoon while I am at the office and says that she found a Mustang that is about an hour away and asks if I can go with her to look at it. I told her that I could not that day because my son had a baseball game but we could go the following afternoon. She agrees but says she was going to go look at it... I get home after my son's game and ask her what she thought about the Mustang. After she describes it I tell her it sounds nice and I was looking forward to seeing it the following day. She then tells me I don't have to go as it was being delivered the following day...

 

I always felt that she was rushing and pushing me into marriage. In addition to the concerns I had regarding the guilt I felt about my ex-wife and children I just had a feeling as if she did not want me to see something until I was already in the marriage. She would be the kindest, most loving affectionate person one could possibly imagine and we would be on a high for a few days. She would then ask something like "now are you ready to get married?" I would then respond with something along the lines of "we have been getting along great for a few days lets keep it going like this and getting married will take care of itself". Her response would be "if we were married it will always be like this".

 

I just could not fully buy into "if we were married it will always be like this". I wanted those great times to continue but I just did not feel "getting along" should depend on whether, or not, we were married. I was of the belief that if two people love one another and only want to be with each other then what difference does it matter if they are married? I would often ask her "are you in love with me or the thought of being married?" She would respond "I want it all."

 

Even after typing out this post, re-reading it and seeing it for what it was in a somewhat objective manner I still wish we were together. Seeing the 50+ texts and phone calls she is sending to her new partner everyday just feels terrible because there were times when she wanted to tell me she loved me 50+ times a day.

 

The logical side of me kept saying "something just is not right, if she truly loves you then she would not be pushing so hard and would understand why I need to heal from my divorce and put my children's happiness first". But the emotional side of me kept saying "when we get along the euphoric feeling is incredible and if you stick this out it just may be like this all the time".

[Michael 93]

Hi Pascoe,

 

Apologies for the late reply as I have only just signed on.

 

After catching up on the rest of your post I must say it was quite difficult to read as in some instances it was very similar to my story. One thing I want you to understand as much evidence as there is it is hard to 100% say whether this had been going on for a long time. It certainly looks that way, but there is no hardcore evidence to confirm it. This is horrible for you to deal with mate, I know that but you must now focus on what is needed.

 

If she was a lady who could just literally walk out on you like that, then she Cannot of been the one. I like you, would be destroyed and fixed on how my ex said I was the one for her, say I was the most beautiful person ever and that she's never felt that way.

 

But you know what man.. she walked out into the arms of someone else as if I was any other person. A little similar to you, I have gone over and over and over this to the point where I was even fed up of my own thoughts. I got to the point where I thought why am I even doing this??

 

Stop. Seriously. Look at it this way, You are now in the position to re-invent yourself and become even better than before. Focus on improving you and let her see just how much you intend to pick yourself up and improve. Rebuild your self esteem and confidence and show yourself to be a strong male.

 

I made the huge mistake of chasing and it has seriously affected not only my ego but the way she views me as a person. Its a good chance she now only sees me for the needy crazy gift giving ex boyfriend rather than what we actually were.

 

Breakups can make you do crazy things especially when someone else is involved. Don't make the same mistakes I did man, keep your head low. Mourn quietly, Show the world you are smiling and travel, spend time with friends, go to a pub and get blazed, sing on a karaoke, smile at the bar woman.

 

People here will help you through all of the way. One day you will be back on here thanking these fine people for enabling you to find the woman of your dreams, this one wasn't the one, Pascoe..

 

Its time to get back on the train.

 

best wishes

 

Mike

Edited December 2, 2014 by Michael 93

[Pascoe]

Thanks again all for the encouraging words...

 

Mike, we went through a very difficult time in September 2013. We did not see one another for just about the entire month and every time I would call she was hostile. For a week I sent her a card every day and then sent flowers. The cards were ones of apology. Although, I can not recall what I was apologizing for... However, we did end up getting back together and things were good for a while. She did yell at me a few months ago "I knew I should have stayed away from you last September" - that didn't make me feel very good...

 

Anyway, I have not tried to talk to her since she moved her things out of the house other than the e-mail sent requesting confirmation she was seeing someone else. We were able to split up the cell phone account today and I sent her a text advising her the account was ready for her to move her phones to a different account. After it was complete she sent me a text saying "it is done". I responded with "Thanks take care of yourself always be careful and never forget I LOVE YOU". Of course, there was no response... I really was not expecting one.

[Jewels7]

I'm so sorry, I know how much it hurts. While your situation is different than mine I do see some similarities. Mainly, that I really pressured my ex for marriage and it would often come up like word vomit. I think I felt insecure with him and in a way didn't trust him(he also has abusive tendencies and I guess I thought marriage would fix everything. Stupid on my part!!) I'm not saying that is the case with you. What I am saying is that my ex and I had a really really toxic relationship and it sounds like yours was too. It has been 7 months since my BU and I still love him and it hurts still but it is a lot easier to cope with than it was in the beginning. I know you're really struggling now. I was the one who left my ex but I was a basket case at first. I say all that to say this... you will no doubt love her for a very long time. You have been together so long you won't get over her overnight. Cutting her out of your life completely is the best thing for you. Vent on here all you need to. We all feel your pain and know how terrible it is.

[Pascoe]

Jewels7... Thank you for the kind words. Her name is Julie and I used to call her "Juls"... So, cool name you have there...

 

I "purged" some other things from the house this evening. I found a shirt and pair of shorts she purchased for me so I took them out to the trash.

 

A good friend of mine came down to hang out with me this evening. We talked for about an hour as they were not really aware of all that was going on. After we talked I had to do some shopping so off we went. We went to a store that she and I had done some Christmas shopping at almost a year ago today. It was sort of upsetting going in there without her as all of the memories of being there with her the year before came flooding back. I know, it seems kind of weird that I would remember something as mundane as Christmas shopping. But it was those sort of things that I really enjoyed doing with her. I can remember what she wore, most of the conversations we had and laughing with her about some jokes we made about some baby dolls.

 

After my friend and I finished shopping I told them we have to go have pizza at this "hole in the wall" restaurant. My friend asked "why?" I told them because after she and I went Christmas shopping we went to that restaurant and had pizza. My friend and I sat at the same table and we ordered the same thing she and I ordered a year earlier. It was VERY difficult and at times upsetting. Afterwards my friend asked "why in the world did you do that to yourself?" I told them that because if I didn't I would always say to myself when I saw that restaurant "the last time I was there was with her now I can say the last time I was there I was with you". He just laughed and said "dude, you are f-cked up".

 

I have been doing a bunch of reading on the web regarding relationships, problems with relationships, solutions to those problems, etc... One of the topics that I keep running across when I look at relationships with similar issues is that one of the participants in the relationship may suffer from borderline personality disorder. Does it sound as if she was BPD?

[Pascoe]

Something that just came to mind... She would frequently compare our situation to that of myself and my ex-wife. She would say "you all were engaged after one year and married after two. Why can't you do the same for me?" I would typically respond with something along the lines of "you are comparing apples to oranges. When my ex-wife and I got married we were 27 years old and there were no children involved. With you and I we have much greater responsibilities. For example, your three children and my two".

 

I have tried my best to shield my children from all of the ups and downs of the relationship. In the past they have been aware there were some breakups and getting back together but were not exposed to all of the fighting. I would not discuss the problems of the relationship with my children. She, on the other hand, would talk to her children as if they were her friends.

 

My children are aware that she has moved out. My 16 year old daughter, however, is very intuitive as most kids are... On Thanksgiving Day my daughter ask me "Dad, if she called you and wanted to get back together would you?" I simply responded with "I don't think so". My daughter then ask me "what about if when you got home she were waiting on the front steps of your house and told you she was sorry and never wanted to be without you?" I told her "I would really think about it but I was fairly certain that would not happen".

 

Tonight I took my daughter driving for about an hour. She gets her driver's license in about three weeks so we have been "practicing". As she was driving she ask if I had heard from her. I told her no and that I was confident I would not hear from her. Being the curious teenager she inquired further and ask "why do you feel that way?" I told her that I did not think this situation was something that we should discuss. I told her that I appreciate that she is concerned but I was fine with it and she has more important things she needs to think about... My daughter then stated "come on Dad, just tell me why you don't feel she will ever contact you again?" So I told her... "because honey she is now involved with someone else". Her curiosity peaked and she ask "how do you know that?" So I told her of finding the record of all of the text messages on the cell phone bill. She then ask "were there many messages?" I told her in a two week period it was over 1500. My daughter with her outrageous sense of humor then stated "my god, she is dating a 15 year old boy"... We laughed and I said "no honey, he is her age, 42". Even at only 16 years old my daughter ask "how can someone be involved with someone else so soon after all of the time you two have been together"... I just told her "I don't know honey, I don't know...."

[Michael 93]

Pascoe, I must say after reading your responses you do seem very sensible and have a good head on your shoulders.

 

You should commend that as at this time there are not many people who can keep it together. Please ensure that your contact is kept to a bare minimum, that is the most important advice.

 

At the moment your emotions are very mixed up and it will take a while for them to untangle from your thoughts, when this day comes you will see much much clearer.

 

Do not act until this day because it will be purely out of emotion and that will fail you.

 

You are very sensible please continue to post and talk to others here. I believe your ex sent you that message as kind of a "stab" at you. Do not bite your response was admirable.

 

Like I said show her you aren't slowing down after this. And are carrying on with your life trying to improve.

 

I have a lot of faith in you Pascoe.

[Michael 93]

Something that just came to mind... She would frequently compare our situation to that of myself and my ex-wife. She would say "you all were engaged after one year and married after two. Why can't you do the same for me?" I would typically respond with something along the lines of "you are comparing apples to oranges. When my ex-wife and I got married we were 27 years old and there were no children involved. With you and I we have much greater responsibilities. For example, your three children and my two".

 

I have tried my best to shield my children from all of the ups and downs of the relationship. In the past they have been aware there were some breakups and getting back together but were not exposed to all of the fighting. I would not discuss the problems of the relationship with my children. She, on the other hand, would talk to her children as if they were her friends.

 

My children are aware that she has moved out. My 16 year old daughter, however, is very intuitive as most kids are... On Thanksgiving Day my daughter ask me "Dad, if she called you and wanted to get back together would you?" I simply responded with "I don't think so". My daughter then ask me "what about if when you got home she were waiting on the front steps of your house and told you she was sorry and never wanted to be without you?" I told her "I would really think about it but I was fairly certain that would not happen".

 

Tonight I took my daughter driving for about an hour. She gets her driver's license in about three weeks so we have been "practicing". As she was driving she ask if I had heard from her. I told her no and that I was confident I would not hear from her. Being the curious teenager she inquired further and ask "why do you feel that way?" I told her that I did not think this situation was something that we should discuss. I told her that I appreciate that she is concerned but I was fine with it and she has more important things she needs to think about... My daughter then stated "come on Dad, just tell me why you don't feel she will ever contact you again?" So I told her... "because honey she is now involved with someone else". Her curiosity peaked and she ask "how do you know that?" So I told her of finding the record of all of the text messages on the cell phone bill. She then ask "were there many messages?" I told her in a two week period it was over 1500. My daughter with her outrageous sense of humor then stated "my god, she is dating a 15 year old boy"... We laughed and I said "no honey, he is her age, 42". Even at only 16 years old my daughter ask "how can someone be involved with someone else so soon after all of the time you two have been together"... I just told her "I don't know honey, I don't know...."

 

 

 

Must of been very hard for you. Children, especially teenagers are going to ask questions. And whilst they see it as harmless it does affect you. I mean my niece who is 3 years old asked about my ex and it sent me to pieces.

 

Understand they are trying to get there head around the situation also. There life has changed due to this.

 

You handled the situation very well.

 

I am very proud of you so far man. you are performing admirably.

 

Oh and with regards to walking through a shopping centre and remembering the times you had. I can totally feel your pain, I was/am exactly the same! There were a number of things I had to face, and I feel as though I've crossed most of them off my list.

I hated it. but after a couple of times it kind of died down a bit, and that's because eventually your memories will fade away, that's the sad bit about it.

 

The last one being Christmas and New Year, so I'm praying that goes well.

 

Just take it a challenge at a time. Don't wish things away because seriously it feels like yesterday It was day 1.

 

I cannot believe how fast this year has gone.

 

 

One thing that gives me a bit of peace is the phrase "if you truly love someone, you must let them go" I know its cliché but it gives me peace.

 

Keep posting on here, do not seek an answer to your questions. We will be here to guide you.

 

Mike

[Pascoe]

Thanks Mike... I do appreciate your vote of confidence. Believe me I need it...

 

I do feel a little bit better for the moment as I was able to sleep for about four hours last night. That is the most sleep I have had in the past four days. Something that has me a bit puzzled is that for the past four days I can not get warm. I am constantly freezing cold no matter how many blankets I have on the bed or how many sweatshirts I am wearing. I have barely eaten anything during this time as every time I do I feel nausea so I am sure that is a contributing factor.

 

I just wish I were still with her. I just can not imagine ever feeling the way I do about her towards another woman. I don't understand after us being together for so many years, all of the things we have been through and still staying together how she can just replace me. I can imagine those texts going back forth between them... They start at 645am probably with something along the lines of "good morning my love, I miss you" and go all day until around 11pm. I am sure she is telling him of how badly I treated her after she was loyal for all of those years and how lucky she is to now have found someone that truly loves her.

[Pascoe]

Mike, it is funny how time flies in such situations. I was looking at my calendar yesterday and came to the realization that it is December... It seems like just yesterday she was telling me she was going to leave and that was the end of September.

 

One thing that I have not posted about previously is in regard to two wallet sized pictures, one of her daughter and one of her nephew. Back in February she told me she was "done" and took those pictures from my house. In the middle November she came to my house to remove the last of her things. The pictures of her daughter and nephew were in their same place. She left her house key on the stand in front of the pictures. I know she saw them as there is no way possible she could have missed them. However, she did not take the pictures. I don't know if maybe I am reading too much into it thinking she does not want me to forget about them? Or, maybe she was giving me the power to do with them whatever I choose?

[Pascoe]

One situation that is really upsetting was back in July or early August... We were in one of our arguments and had not talked much for a couple of days. She was upstairs laying on the bed watching TV. I walked in and was doing something beside the bed when she looked at me and said "this sucks". I said responded with "I know but I would rather be with you in an argument than without you". She didn't really respond...

[Pascoe]

Today at the office was a terrible day. I could not get her off my mind. Every single thing I did reminded me of her. I would look at papers from several months ago and see the date and think "we were still together on that date".

 

Sitting in my office with the door closed all I could think about is all of the things I did wrong to contribute to the demise of our relationship. Areas I could have been better and things I could have done differently.

 

I then began to think about us being married. It was not that I was against being married I just did not want to be "pushed" into it. Then I thought about how she would say "being married will give me the security I need". When I would tell her that "marriage will come, it will be a natural progression of our relationship". I believe what I was striving for is to have "security" of the relationship before the marriage. I know in my heart that I deeply love her and want to spend the remainder of my days with her. In reality we were both trying to get to the same place just going about it through a different process... What do you all think? Am I totally off base?

[Lostdreams]

Dear Pascoe,

 

I feel for you and I know it's not easy - everybody here has a story to share and we have all suffered.

 

For me marriage means nothing - if its meant to be it will be - for love and commitment you don't need a document. In addition you both had history and kids.

 

I honestly believe you were 100 % right for not marrying her. Marriage is also not a thing to be emotionally blackmailed into - your instinct to refuse was spot on - her behavior validates this. No one is blameless when a relationship breaks down so she is also accountable and there's no need to beat yourself up

 

It's tough to let go and now as the festive season approaches we are all a bit down when a "significant other" is missing and always on our mind. It's my first Christmas post break up as well - I know how it feels not to buy them presents for the first time x years.

 

Look at yourself and take the positives you have - you can prioritize your own individual activities and those you share with your children and award them more attention. You have to be strong for them and yourself.

 

I truly believe you are able to move forward with you life without her. Yes memories and nostalgia can be torture - even close to 6 months later I still have triggers which creep up and make me emotional. You will have ups and downs but time is your friend.

 

I made a diary of my feelings - throwing words, emotions, and my sadness / anger/pain on a page to try and clear it from my head. I also made a list of everything I hated about him and wouldn't have to put up with anymore - that had a certain feelgood factor. Just evacuate it however you can - sport - going out -talking to friends, walking the dog, diary whatever - keep busy.

 

Understand as well that we are responsible for how we feel and how we deal with things. You can let it submerge you or you can fight it and train your brain to see that the glass is more half full than half empty. Write a list of all the positives in your life - write a list a things you really want to do - give yourself a time frame to target when you will do what.

 

Its hard and it will take time - take this opportunity to also review what YOU really want from life

 

Baby steps - pack up anything she left and box it away - you don't need the visual triggers. Your interior - re-paint, re-arrange/ replace furniture and makes the changes you maybe always wanted to.... but put them on standby

 

Whenever you can - channel energy into being active for yourself - rather than remaining passive and apathetic because of your situation and how much it sucks.... oh yes I know we all have those days - feeling self-pity is perfectly normal but we can't let ourselves wallow in it permanently

 

All the best and rant on here whenever ... someone is always listening