married other woman perspective

[torn87]

I am married and have had an affair on and off but mostly on for about 9months now. Due to a huge build of things in my life I became what I now know to be depressed. At the time I had no idea what was going on and the thoughts of suicide were something I thought everyone went through but never talked about. Regardless I was afraid to talk to anyone about how I really felt especially because I have so much to be grateful for I knew no one would understand especially because I didn't understand.

 

Shortly after the death of a mutual friend I ended up talking to my coworker instead of my family or husband or friends. At first it was just about the death of our mutual friend the shock and pain... Then he started confiding in me things about his marriage. I had no idea why he was talking to me about such a personnel issue throughout this whole ordeal I still have not talked to my AP about my marriage. One night I sent a text to my sister about having a long night at work n needed help deciding if I should get drunk n have wine by myself or get fat and eat ice cream but I accidentally sent it to him Instead. I quickly realized my mistake told him to ignore that it was meant for my sister and sent it to my sister as intended when he replied with something along the lines of my wine pairing well with the steak he was grilling.

 

And this was the moment I knew everything was going to change I can't remember what I said but i know it was flirty and crossed the line. I didnt see him that night but the txts continued to get flirtier and more frequent thought the week until Friday I invited him to my place and was involved in a full blown affair. I told myself it'll just be the one time I'll get it out of my system and never speak to him again I was married I wasn't looking for a relationship I was in love with my husband and this man was also married and had a kid with one more on the way. After my AP left my apartment I messaged him letting him know I was perfectly OK with what happened and fully expected to end all contact because I figured he would have been done with me as well being married and all.

 

Now I realize I made the mistake of not making it clear that I didn't want this to continue or happen again. He said something along the lines of not being a hit it and quit it kind of guy and that he really wanted to keep talking and fully intended on seeing me again. This was a huge ego boost for me and I fed off it like an addict needing a fix. I really didn't think he would want me again I was floored so I proceeded to use him for the most intense feeling I have ever experienced in my entire life in and out of the bedroom. He spoke with me about this not needing to be a total betrayal as we were both married it wasn't like we were going to runaway together and I 100% agreed. Now I also realize yet another mistake I made I never spoke with him about how I didn't want to get to know him I didn't even want to think of him as a person I just wanted the sex and this feeling of being needed to continue, no emotions, we didn't need this to be any more complicated than it already was.

 

About 3 days after his conversation with me about remaining loyal to some degree to our spouses (total BS I know) he said he was falling in love with me. I told him I had absolutely no feeling of the sort for him and said he was crazy for thinking that because he barely even knew me. I had no idea what to do I was really mad because at this point I knew things would get so much worse so I should have ended it then. He was clearly unrealistic and we were definitely on different pages, but I couldn't give it up. Not so much him or the affair at the time I really could have cared less but the feelings that had been awoken in me. After many lengthy discussions with my husband and my therapist and friends and family I realize why it was so hard to end things with my AP. Nothing justifies my actions I'm not trying to but for whatever reason the affair put vitality and a will to live again inside my spirit something that had been gone without my knowledge for a very long time.

 

I know now if it hadn't been for the affair I would have turned to alcoholism drugs possibly even cutting and suicide a part of me already was but I chose the affair path instead. So after a few weeks of continuing the affair and repeatedly trying g to break it off and making it clear I had no love for him something changed. We had set a date/last meeting to say goodbye and I realized this upset me I was about to lose a friend something I had never considered him as before. Suddenly he was the person I had been the truest ugliest honest version of myself with, even though I didn't confide much about my personnel life with him. I had acted completely selfish with him used him to meet my own needs without any regard to his feelings whatsoever something I had never done I've always been very doormatish and worried about stepping on peoples toes and rocking the boat.

 

But with this man I was super confident assertive almost aggressive a version of myself I always wanted to be but never knew how..and I loved it. I loved who I was with him I loved who he made me I loved...him? ****. I realized lots of the qualities I had developed recently lying deceiving cheating were horrible horrible qualities but for the first time ever in my whole life I did something for me without thinking about anybody else or the consequences really. I knew what would happen to everyone in my life and everyone in his if we got caught. But I did it all anyway and it disgusted me so I tried not to think about it and got scary good at compartmentalizeing my life. Between my married life my family and work and affair I was completely whole it was like that third relationship had somehow become the glue that made everything stick function and bearable. How could I let him go how could I willingly end what was making my life worth living? Huge mistake number what am I at now 300?

 

I realize now how much I was using the affair to avoid what was really wrong with me and in my life but at the time it seemed like the answer. So I told him I loved him we continued to see each other and almost 3months in I was caught. It was devastating and I felt so bad for hurting my husband the most good person I will ever have the blessing of knowing. And I broke him. Nearly killed him. I did whatever I could to make him feel better he wanted to talk we talked he wanted to yell at me I sat there and took it he wanted a divorce I understood he wanted to get back together I said absolutely he told me to jump I asked how high. I had to make this person who is far better than I could ever hope to be feel better. So I agreed to things I didn't want and did things I didn't want to do said things I didn't mean and became even more of the shell than I was before.

 

I had NC with my AP for the most miserable 2 weeks of my life but at the same time I was relieved to have the secret out and not be torn anymore.y husband went on a rampage he told everyone we knew. I went to therapy he went to his family we were in limbo. After being hospitalized for suicide watch for another 2 weeks and intense therapy I decided I wanted a divorce. My husband and I separated and I told my AP what had happened and what I was doing but did not expect anything from him. He was blown away never thinking I would leave and I think this is when the tables switched in my affair all of a sudden I needed him and he started using me for the ego strokes. I knew he would never leave his wife but I hoped and he was overjoyed that now I was the one playing out fantasies of a life with him children retirement vacations I love yous.

 

After 2 months of settling for those crumbs dealing with lawyers intensive therapy and massive criticism I wanted more something substantial. Realizing I could never have the with my married AP I ended it yet again. Finally feeling good about my life and my decisions and being on track with what I wanted it was very short lived. My AP messaged me the whole time we were NC but I never read them until I saw one titled he was going to leave his wife. Now I realize how stupid I was to believe that but at the time it seemed to me like progress so we rekindled and about a month ago he hit me with the "I'm not going to leave but I still want to have fun" speech and I haven't seen him since and am going on 2 weeks NC. Which is something I've been thinking about for awhile but after his speech it was the punch I needed to realize I really didn't need or want this anymore.

 

The last 2months of out affair was very different from the other 7months very strained not a lot of messages even fewer meetings. I have been continuing therapy both individual and couples and by some miracle my husband has been by my side since august and has full knowledge of all of this. It has been a very unique bumpy broken cracked path but it feels like the rest of it might be better. I'm sure there are still going to be many curve balls and lessons but hopefully no more cracks and certainly no more affairs.

 

I'm a very slow and stubborn student but I definitely have learned all I care to know about all the different sides of affairs, this is just my side and I hope someone smarter than me might learn from my story as so many of yours have helped me.

Edited December 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Artie Lang]

i'm confused, did your husband decide on reconciliation or is he there for support?

 

 

does his(OM) wife have any idea what's been going on?

[desperatelywanting]

Just sending hugs and support. I am not one to give advice, as I have failed in my NC.

[lovinDKT3]

Just sending hugs and support. I am not one to give advice, as I have failed in my NC.

 

Hey I remember you. Are you ready to share your story yet?

 

Truth is most of us fail at NC a few times, it doesn't mean you can't add value or help someone else that get themselves into these situations.

 

OP this guy didn't pull you out of anything, and the feelings you have won't last, and I'm guessing they only last while you are with him. BTDT. Those feeling come from within because you decided to show him the best of you. When your away I'm sure your lows are lower then before. Its all a matter of where you invest you energy.

 

Right now your your own worst enemy, you are convincing yourself that this guy who is helping you blow up your family is your savior.

 

As far as your husband goes, well its going to be an up hill battle. He is locked in on winning you back. There is a really good chance that at some point he will decide your not worth it and decides to leave. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but what you've done was highly disrepectful and emasculating and done with his full knowledge. At some point those feelings will come bubbling to the surface and you will have to deal with some real rage and possible rejection and divorce. This time it won't be you in control, you will be powerless.

 

I hope for your sake I'm wrong, however the odds of it playing out this way are high.

 

Good luck, and stay strong no matter what direction this turns.

[desperatelywanting]

Yes, I may be ready to post more soon. However, I want to leave this thread to OP.

 

To the OP, while I never had suicidal thoughts, I do identify with many of the other things you've said.

[herself]

I have the gut feeling you really are on a better path to good health.

I could be wrong but it seems you truly are resolved to being done, staying in nc, owning your mistakes. I just feel like it's never too late to turn it all around and you are heading that way, seeking help...it all seems like good progress.

I support your efforts sincerely and will remember your story and say a prayer.

[torn87]

Thanks guys I definitely want to refocus my energy and be a combination of who I was with the other guy and who I am with everyone else its just a really long learning curve like I said I just discovered that part of myself with this guy so I'm trying to figure out how to share that with everyone. I'm definitely doing a lot better than I thought I would with the NC I most often find the hardest times are when I'm bored at work or late at night I want to stall his FB. Yes my husband wants to reconcile with me and yes I'm sure there will be massive repercussions. I feel he hasn't had time to really internally reflect he's been so worried about just keeping me I've never met someone so sure of anything as he is about wanting me as his wife. I have no idea if my AP wife knew about the situation I never cared to ask about any of that it was none of my business and I always felt uncomfortable when he would talk about his marriage. I'm not a therapist and I certainly have no advice on relationships and it would definitely increase my guilt but I'd let him talk cuz it seemed he had no one else to share that with. Anyway I'm trying to do what's best for me and hopefully i continue to do so and my husband and I work things through I'm fully aware they might not but we will see. Thanks again for your input I hope answered all the questions.