TONY, I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!

[STACY]

I'VE BEEN INCOLVED IN A WHIRLWIND RELATIONSHIP FOR THE LAST 7 MONTHS. THIS WILL MAKE YOU CRINGE, BUT WE WERE ENGAGED 2 WEEKS AFTER WE STARTED DATING. WE MOVED IN TOGETHER AT THAT SAME TIME. SHE IS THE MOST WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN THAT I HAVE EVER MET AND I LOVE HER WITH ALL THAT I AM. I ALSO KNOW THAT SHE FEELS THE SAME WAY. WE WERE TO BE MARRIED APRIL 1ST OF THIS YEAR.

 

HERES THE KICKER. SHE HAS A FRIEND THAT WAS BEING TREATED VERY BADLY BY HER EX LIVE IN. WHEN HE WAS OUT OF TOWN, MYSELF AND MY FIANCEE MOVED HER OUT, AND ARE CURRENTLY LETTING HER STAY WITH US. HER NAME IS MELISSA. NOW, MELISSA IS NOT PAYING TO STAY WITH US. SHE WAS ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE WITH US UNTIL SHE COULD GET A PLACE. SHE ALSO CAN'T STAY AWAY FROM THE BARS, AND MY FIANCEE' KRISTI, GOES WITH HER. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, BOTH OF THESE GIRLS HAVE DEVELOPED DRINKING PROBLEMS OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS, AND DRUNK DRIVING APPEARS TO BE ONE OF MY FIANCEE'S FAVORITE PASTTIMES, WHICH I WILL NOT TOLERATE. SO, I'VE BEEN BEATING HER UP PRETTY BADLY ABOUT THE WHOLE DRINKING THING. THE PROBLEM IS, SHE SAYS THAT I'M BEING POSSESSIVE, AND THAT I DON'T TRUST HER. WHEN THEY GO OUT WHICH IS ABOUT 5 DAYS A WEEK, THEY GET SO DRUNK THEY CAN BARELY WALK. FRIDAY NIGHT WE GOT INTO A FIGHT AND SHE DIDN'T COME HOME ALL NIGHT. I PACKED HER THINGS, AND THEN UNPACKED THEM THINKING I WAS BEING A LITTLE HASTY. SHE CAME HOME SATURDAY AND WE HAD A NICE TALK. HERES THE MEAT. I TOLD HER THAT MELISSA WAS NOT GOOD FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP AND THAT SHE NEEDED TO FIND SOME OTHER PLACE TO STAY. MY FIANCEE BOWED UP ON IT A LITTLE BIT BUT AGREED TO IT. SHE THEN TOLD ME THAT SHE WASN'T GOING TO MARRY ME APRIL 1ST WHICH HAS REALLY UPSET ME. I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT TELLING HER SHE'LL MARRY ME APRIL 1ST OR NOT AT ALL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. SHE'S BEEN WONDERFUL SINCE THE TALK WE HAD. I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN A MOUTHFUL, WHAT SHOULD I DO? SHOUL I DEMAND SHE QUIT DRINKING? SHOULD I JUST LET APRIL 1ST GO? SHOULD I JUST LOVE HER AND WATCH OUT FOR HER AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT A WEDDING DATE? OR SHOULD I TELL HER TO GET OUT UNTIL SHE FIGURES OUT THE DRINKING PROBLEM AND MARRYING ME? AM I BEING HARD ON HER FRIEND? HELP!!!!

[Tony T]

You concerns, frustration and anger are very legitimate. First, never under any circumstance invite a friend to stay at your place more than a day or two. Your place is not a rescue station for wayward humans. Secondly, under the cirumstances, Melissa's ex, who has a record of treating her badly, could have found her at your place and caused serious problems for you and your fiance.

 

Postpone the wedding indefinitely...like a VERY LONG TIME. Don't you dare even for a minute feel like the bad guy here. You have discovered A VERY SERIOUS aspect of your girl's personality that could be extremely dangerous in the future.

 

First, she does not value your wishes, even when they are for her safety. You expressed a problem with her drunk driving because you were concerned for her life...and also concerned she could be jailed for this and her driving record tarnished for many years to come. It could make it impossible for her to get reasonably priced auto insurance for many years as well. You were looking out FOR HER and she didn't like it. Do you want a wife like that?

 

Second, she put her girlfriend before you. She put going out, getting drunk...putting her life and limb in jeopardy, which is extremely immature when one is in a relationship, ahead of her love for you. She could have easily been killed in an accident. If she has no respect for her relationship with you now or her own life, why do you think that would change after you got married.

 

Third, it seems she really doesn't want a guy who cares about her health, her life, her finances, her arrest record, etc. If she doesn't care about these basic things about her ownself, she is hardly a candidate for marriage. Don't forget, these issues will be YOUR responsibility once you marry her.

 

You should have asserted yourself about Melissa getting out of your place. Now, you need to set a deadline of ONE WEEK for her to be out of there. She needs to be gone. You cannot allow her to contribute to your unhappiness in YOUR OWN HOME.

 

You need to spend a lot of time observing how your lady handles this friendship and her drinking in the future. DO NOT under any circumstances marry your fiance until you are absolutely certain the drinking problem has been resolved. Be ready to walk and walk fast if you see this drinking is going to be a problem. It sounds like she is pretty headstrong and will not submit to treatment if she does indeed have a problem. If her parents or other relatives were heavy drinkers, there is a good chance she has an inherited gene for alcoholism.

 

You can't demand she quit drinking or do anything else for that matter. Do not marry her if you have to demand that she act in accordance with your wishes. You will regret this all the days of your life. If you have to make demands that she change her behaviors, you are much better off finding another girl who has qualities you admire and needs little or no modification.

 

I'm glad things are going better now but hold off...way off...on the wedding. You may just discover other things that could spell serious danger in a marriage. It's much too serious a step to take if there will be problems ahead. Don't do it.

 

Love her and care for her now...but if the problems come back, if she starts this drinking problem again and refuses to get help for it or if other serious and irreconcilable problems appear in the future, then walk away from this and don't look back.

 

For more information on alcoholism and problem drinking, there are some excellent websites to be found in the links section of this site. When you get to the links page, click on addiction and recovery, then click the items related to alcoholism. You can also find a world of information about the problems created by drinking and how people can work through this by entering "alcoholism" or "problem drinking" in a good search engine. One of the best is www.google.com

 

Please do yourself a major favor and don't go any further with your relationship until all these matters of drinking, respect, etc. are resolved. It's up to you if you want her to move out but I don't think that will be necessary unless more problems arise. Your lady has to learn that if the two of you are to be married, both of you must put each other FIRST...ahead of Melissa, drinking, etc. That is just part of the respect that is required for a long term relationship to survive.

 

I guess, as I stated, it has a lot to do with growing up as well. You don't want to marry someone until they have matured in their ability to be married to you.

[Victor]

First thing is "please avoid using excessive CAPITAL letters in your posting." =Þ

 

You shouldn't married until both are ready to be married! Her drinking problem is a big one, and you must control her; tell her to change, because you cannot marry someone with a drinking problem. If her friend is causing excessive problems in your relationship, I think it'd be best for her to move out and find a place on her own. It's unlikly that she'll figure out how to stop drinking on her own, she needs some pressure, from you.

 

Have a talk with your roommate and your fiance and ask Melissa when she'll be leaving, b/c you are getting problems in your relationship as a result of Melissa. If the fact that she's not paying you guys is a problem, maybe ask her to start paying.

 

Don't marry unless both agree and are happy and in love.