What's his deal? Is he controlling or overly-assertive?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

So I've been seeing this guy, well not even "seeing", more like we've gone out a bunch of times for months now. We hit it off from the beginning and I thought he was cute and fun to be around. We're the same age, both like random late nights out, club scene, etc. He always plans these really fun dates to places I've never even heard of and almost always insists on paying. He calls me just to talk for hours and we've both expressed how much we like one another and how things feel "different" than with other people.

 

The thing is, he doesn't just call me up and ask me out like a normal human being, he texts at random with, Idk, instructions?? "Sushi, be ready by 9; I'm taking you to X" or "Meet me at Truxtons, 7:30" or "Get dressed, wear something short and black + heels." We've gone out enough times that we actually have a few regular spots. He'll call me and say "I'm going to be at 'Our Place' in an hour, meet me for a drink."

 

At first I thought, wow, here's a guy who's decisive and doesn't leave room for vacillation or inaction. How refreshing! It was awesome to meet a guy who didn't just do "hang outs" and actually made an effort to make each night interesting. This was great, initially. But as time wore on, I began to feel sort of like a trained seal. And I was a bit put off by some of his requests about my attire, especially that I dress in a certain way sometimes, yet he's never once pushed for sex and he gets upset if other guys look at me when we go out .

 

I finally asked him what was up with that and he likes to look at me, but doesn't like it when others do it and said he can "easily get meaningless sex from other girls" (which I actually don't doubt) but that that's not what he wants with me; he wants "something real" .

 

I've told my friends in the past that I'd be willing to drop every guy I'm talking to at the moment for him in a heartbeat. However several times I've pulled back because I had no idea what direction we were headed and I'm currently debating whether to cut him off altogether. I've asked him what he wants (a thing I've never had to do because it's always been abundantly clear with others) and all he's said is "I want you." Well what are you waiting for then!? "I want you, but I'm not ready yet". Tf!?

[mammasita]

So he wants you to dress up but doesn't like when others look at you.....

 

That seems very counter-intuitive. I want my partner to look good because I want people to notice him, I certainly wouldn't be upset if people noticed him and looked....especially if I asked him to dress/look a certain way.

 

How does he act if you decline an invitation, I mean his demands/instructions lol? If you haven't yet, I almost feel like you should to test the waters.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

So he wants you to dress up but doesn't like when others look at you.....

 

That seems very counter-intuitive. I want my partner to look good because I want people to notice him, I certainly wouldn't be upset if people noticed him and looked....especially if I asked him to dress/look a certain way.

 

This is part of the reason I can't be sure if he's genuinely upset or putting on an act because he wants to hide how much he's getting off on it. The other thing is, he mainly gets upset at the guys who leer or try to get my attention agressively, not just anybody who happens to look my way.

 

How does he act if you decline an invitation, I mean his demands/instructions lol? If you haven't yet, I almost feel like you should to test the waters.

 

I've declined several times, either because I was already busy or didn't feel like it. His reactions vary, sometimes he's like "Oh ok next time then" other times he's like "Nah, drop whatever it is you're doing and come out with me." And we've argued a few times over the lack of notice he's often wont to give me.

[beach]

Have you been to his place?

 

Do you know for sure he isn't married/taken?

Edited December 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Reference to past content without attribution redacted

[TouchedByViolet]

I'm confused. Are you having sex with him? Who are these other guys you are talking too? Does he know them and are you sleeping with them?

 

Your post makes it sound more like a FWB situation. He doesn't seem interested in a long term relationship with you.

[preraph]

I think he's a spontaneous guy, and as long as he doesn't get sulky on those occasions when you decline, he's okay. I always think it's weird if guys tell you what to wear as if you're a hooker they are placing an order for -- but he's not even pushing for sex and seems to be seeing how you work out for the long haul but he's slow to decide. He sounds interesting to me, but I could see that kind of pushy side of him wearing on you over time or in certain areas. But as long as he can handle it when you say no, it's not bad. Have you ever told him you want to go do something specific on a specific day just to see if he'll go along? You should if you haven't. Just keep your cool and don't get in a hurry and just see how it feels over time.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I'm confused. Are you having sex with him? Who are these other guys you are talking too? Does he know them and are you sleeping with them?

 

Huh? I'm not quite sure how any of this matters but these other guys are just guys I talk to/go out with. You know....like dating? No I'm not having sex with them. My point was, I'd (obviously) stop seeing other guys in any capacity - even just going out as platonic friends - if he gave me a clear sign of intent.

 

Your post makes it sound more like a FWB situation. He doesn't seem interested in a long term relationship with you.

 

I'm not sure how it can be considered FWB when I mentioned we often go out and that he hasn't pushed for sex but, for the record, no I'm not sleeping with him....

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I think he's a spontaneous guy, and as long as he doesn't get sulky on those occasions when you decline, he's okay. I always think it's weird if guys tell you what to wear as if you're a hooker they are placing an order for -- but he's not even pushing for sex and seems to be seeing how you work out for the long haul but he's slow to decide. He sounds interesting to me, but I could see that kind of pushy side of him wearing on you over time or in certain areas. But as long as he can handle it when you say no, it's not bad. Have you ever told him you want to go do something specific on a specific day just to see if he'll go along? You should if you haven't. Just keep your cool and don't get in a hurry and just see how it feels over time.

 

Yeah, he's definitely spontaneous. The reason I asked if this was more of a control thing is certain behaviors, while certainly indicative of interest, kind of have a ring of "Ooh what else can I make her do?" I can handle it but I'm also getting a bit bored of this limbo. I keep at it because he's creative and fun but then I kinda need a direction otherwise, we should just be friends.

 

One morning a few months back I get an early morning text. "Go to Whole Foods on Fairfax, ask for Brad" I ask him what the hell this is all about he told me to just do it and trust him. So I do. I get there, ask for Brad, Brad reaches in his pocket and gives me tiny gift box with a slip of paper and a charm inside. I open the paper and it says for me to go to a convenience store nearby. I walk in, the cashier tells me to look underneath the Skittles. Another paper...I'm thinking WTF? Why the hell does this idiot have me on a wild goose chase!?

 

Then it dawns on me..it's not a wild goose chase, it's a scavenger hunt. Long story short this 1.5 hour adventure culminated in me at a police station with the desk sargent giving me a pair of VIP passes to a film festival with a love note attached. I mean, it was certainly creative plus I had a lot of fun and it was amazing to see how many random strangers he got to participate but it was kind of....odd too.

 

It's like he's trying to be some kind of marionette. Or a Svengali .

[gaius]

Maybe he's one of those asexual guys who likes the emotional intimacy you have but isn't into sex that much. At the very least there's some kind of issue if he's referring to the idea of sex with you as meaningless. All that extra stuff, putting so much work into making everything interesting might just be an attempt to keep you without actually dragging you to the bedroom. Overcompensation.

[somedude81]

LOL! He's so random. It's like this is all a game to him.

[TouchedByViolet]

Huh? I'm not quite sure how any of this matters but these other guys are just guys I talk to/go out with. You know....like dating? No I'm not having sex with them. My point was, I'd (obviously) stop seeing other guys in any capacity - even just going out as platonic friends - if he gave me a clear sign of intent.

 

 

 

I'm not sure how it can be considered FWB when I mentioned we often go out and that he hasn't pushed for sex but, for the record, no I'm not sleeping with him....

 

Ok, I wasn't certain. IME, most dating progresses into sexual stuff after months, so I find his actions odd. His ambiguity in what he wants with you is a bad sign.

 

I don't think he is controlling or overly assertive. I'm guessing he is just confused with what he wants...

[trippi1432]

Huh? I'm not quite sure how any of this matters but these other guys are just guys I talk to/go out with. You know....like dating? No I'm not having sex with them. My point was, I'd (obviously) stop seeing other guys in any capacity - even just going out as platonic friends - if he gave me a clear sign of intent.

 

 

 

I'm not sure how it can be considered FWB when I mentioned we often go out and that he hasn't pushed for sex but, for the record, no I'm not sleeping with him....

 

 

It kills me how people don't really know what "dating" is. I mentioned "dating" as having "options", something my IC at the time stated as what women used to do, the response I got two years ago was hysterical. The guy you "choose" to sleep with is the guy who IS long term material.

 

 

So, this guy sounds interesting, he knows how to get your attention just enough to frustrate. The only problem with this type of guy is how long he can keep it up. Once he has you and you drop off the dating circuit in keeping your options open, can he sustain?

 

 

Personally, I think you should challenge him back and play his game....if he doesn't like you being assertive, then you will have your answer.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Maybe he's one of those asexual guys who likes the emotional intimacy you have but isn't into sex that much. At the very least there's some kind of issue if he's referring to the idea of sex with you as meaningless. All that extra stuff, putting so much work into making everything interesting might just be an attempt to keep you without actually dragging you to the bedroom. Overcompensation.

 

To be fair, he reffered to casual sex as "meaningless", not sex with me specifically. It was after I asked him for some clarification regarding why he seemed so standoffish regarding sex. My assumption was that he was getting his getting his sexual needs met elsewhere while trying to "properly" date me but...

 

It's odd because after our first date he made a rather crass joke about me performing a sex act but when I got offended he was very...pleased. I thought he was just trying to save face but he's repeatedly told me he was glad I reacted that way because it showed that I wasn't easy, had class, blah, blah, blah and that he wouldn't have let it happen anyway .

 

You might be onto something with the asexual bit and I've often thought about that myself. Well either that or closeted, because he seems to be going though a lot of trouble plotting these elaborate schemes but not trying to "collect", for lack of a better term.

 

Ok, I wasn't certain. IME, most dating progresses into sexual stuff after months, so I find his actions odd. His ambiguity in what he wants with you is a bad sign.

 

I don't think he is controlling or overly assertive. I'm guessing he is just confused with what he wants...

 

Yes, the ambiguity is what's concerning. And nerve-wracking. I'm sure he's confused but it seems like a hell of a lot of effort for a chick you're not sure about. I'm generally very low maintenance so it's not as if I demand guys impress me and he's just trying to keep up.

 

LOL! He's so random. It's like this is all a game to him.

 

Basically, but this is starting to border on a marathon Monopoly session. At some point you just want to knock the board over. =/

[beach]

Have you seen where he lives?

 

Any clues that he could possibly be married?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Have you seen where he lives?

 

Any clues that he could possibly be married?

 

Ah, sorry your first question was so tiny I missed it. He's so young that I doubt he's married but yes I've seen where he lives, he has a bunch of roommates so I've never spent any significant amount of time there. I suppose he could have a girlfriend but the it seems like it'd be difficult to pull off all the stuff he does and have a serious girlfriend but who knows.

[Els]

Honestly my first guess is that he's just trying to follow some sort of lame PUA instruction manual about how women want guys to be dominant. Telling you what to wear is kinda odd IMO. I know people who dabble in D/s and this is a popular kink/fetish (and I see the appeal!), but really nobody should be doing this with a girl he barely knows and isn't in any sort of consensual D/s arrangement with.

 

Also if you've been dating a few months and he's still wishy washy about the direction you're heading in, I'd call it quits unless you want something casual too.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I can't imagine what he is ultimately after with you, I don't get the nature of your relationship, but I really think I'd love the dating / dress instructions!

[GemmaUK]

You seem to be pretty much enjoying it all - but something made you start questioning it.

 

 

Having dated a man who was controlling and manipulative I now know never to brush an instinct under the rug.

Some behaviours I would just not tolerate, others I would make a mental note of and see if similar or the same things came up again. If they do I am out, no explanation required.

 

 

I would not be happy with someone telling me what to wear though (unless I did ask the 'do I look OK?' question whenever we went out. I dress appropriately anyway. My controlling ex had problems with me wearing earrings when he wasn't with me (eg at work or out anywhere) and also several of my clothes (eg he didn't like me wearing jeans as he said my bum looked good in them)

Mind you, he didn't like that I get on with my boss - who is 18 years older than me and happily married. We have a good working relationship but this was a threat to my now ex.

 

 

My advice is listen to your instincts, don't feel flattered by jealousy but also - if you don't feel right then...think about how life might be in a couple of years time.

[preraph]

I like your scavanger hunt. He's very creative. You have well tuned instincts, so if it starts crossing into "controlling" territory, you'll know. He definitely likes control to some extent, but so far he seems to be using it for good, not evil. But the potential is certainly there, so just don't let him step even one inch over the line into a zone you feel uncomfortable with. Just because he has sort of taken over doesn't mean you can't stop him and set boundaries, so do that at the first point you become uncomfortable.

[serial muse]

Huh, what I'm getting from this is that yes, he's a guy who kinds of gets off on the control aspect, but he doesn't seem dangerous about it (accepting your "no" without rancor is a good sign). And taking that further, my read is that him delaying actually consummating things is part of that control issue. It'll happen when he wants, where he wants, how he wants - that, I assume, is what he wants. Have you guys even kissed or anything physical?

 

I think the major downside to this is that while this sort of thing could be sexy for a little while it's also likely that he's going to have a hard time giving up any control at all, and a little vulnerability and openness is necessary to form a real relationship at some point. Has he ever had one, to your knowledge?

 

I'd be wary if I were you. He doesn't sound dangerous or anything but he does sound emotionally slippery and that can be damned annoying once you get past the "I'm intrigued!" phase.

 

Have you told him that you're getting frustrated?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Huh, what I'm getting from this is that yes, he's a guy who kinds of gets off on the control aspect, but he doesn't seem dangerous about it (accepting your "no" without rancor is a good sign). And taking that further, my read is that him delaying actually consummating things is part of that control issue. It'll happen when he wants, where he wants, how he wants - that, I assume, is what he wants. Have you guys even kissed or anything physical?

 

This is a good point. I hadn't even really thought about it this way but you're right as it does seem as though he is doing everything in his power to ensure sex only happens on his terms alone.

 

We've kissed, but we didn't even kiss till, gosh, like the third date and went maybe another date or two without kissing again. That's pretty much the extent of it. No oral or anything of the kind. I was curious and certainly interested in getting sexual with him but my interest is quickly waning. The frustration is killing the desire. And at present it's practically nonexistent but that's due to outside factors beyond his control.

 

I think the major downside to this is that while this sort of thing could be sexy for a little while it's also likely that he's going to have a hard time giving up any control at all, and a little vulnerability and openness is necessary to form a real relationship at some point. Has he ever had one, to your knowledge?

 

Right. James Bond is sexy for a time but after a while, with no real follow through he's sort of just a guy in a suit with a neat back of tricks.

 

He's mentioned an ex-girlfriend of his in the past but not said much about her other than that things ended back in 2012ish and ended, well if not poorly than not in the best of ways. She met someone else and was his high school sweetheart so it sounds like they both just outgrew the relationship but who really knows?

 

He doesn't sound dangerous or anything but he does sound emotionally slippery and that can be damned annoying once you get past the "I'm intrigued!" phase.

 

Have you told him that you're getting frustrated?

 

Exactly! It's already happening. All the bells and whistles aren't quite making up for the genuine lack of direction. I feel like he's taking up romantic head space he doesn't quite deserve at this point. He knows I'm frustrated, he also knows I have options but I get the impression he either feels I'm still more interested in him than any others or that he's "out competing" by sheer creativity and skill.

[FitChick]

I'd be happy if a man told me how to dress for a date -- if he had good taste. It would save me time so we'd both be happy.

 

The only thing that bothers me about your man is the last minute invites. Shows a lack of consideration, as if you would of course drop anything you had planned to be with him. Start turning him down by saying, "I wish you had called me yesterday. I've made plans to go _____ but how about Saturday?"

[MissBee]

In my own experience, 9/10 times if I don't like a man's actions (feeling like a trained seal speaks volumes) or am unsure of his motives for months - it generally doesn't pan out and usually my own suspicions are later confirmed.

He seems controlling and inconsiderate IMO. Spontaneity hasn't a thing to do with it. Spontaneity doesn't preclude assuming you're a person with a life whose whole world doesn't revolve around him....it doesn't preclude ASKING if you are available. His "Meet me at X place at X time" and telling you how to dress, when you aren't even a couple and saying he's already there and expecting you to show up without even ASKING if you're busy is a red flag to me personally. If we're already together and you want to surprise me every now and again by making such "Come here at this time wearing this" type of plans, fine, but even with boyfriends, they generally ask what I'm up to and ask if I want to do xyz, not demand it. My ex was spontaneous, meaning, he could call me up now and be like "Hey babe, what are you up to? I was thinking of coming by and we go for a drive and watch the stars, what do you think about that?" Me: "That sounds good." Him "Alright, I'll be there in 20." That's spontaneous but he still asks knowing I have a life and values my input to see if this is even something I want to do. Not just saying "I'm coming over in 20 minutes, be ready to go out" without considering if I can or even want to.

 

At the point that we are not even a couple, you have very little room to be so free about your desires IMO. Once we're established a man has a little more leeway but before then, no. You haven't earned the right to make such requests! He seems like a guy who likes things his way, on his watch, in his own time and is a bit self-absorbed.

Edited December 6, 2014 by MissBee