Am I harsh to give up on motivating my mother to loose weight and get healthy?

[erkyjerky]

I love my mother to death and I appreciate everything she has done for me in life. But she is really beginning to bug me out bad and I need to figure this out. I'll try to make this short as possible.

 

I'm 42, moved out to LA a few years ago and love it and brag about how awesome it is here. Mom (widowed from my father 10 years ago) wants to move out here, get away from all the crappy family members there and make a new start. I'm like ok, I think this will work. Well, I made a bit of a mistake.

 

My mom is 70, retired and is getting more and more unhealthy and clingy/needy due to her own bad choices. She is obese, which is surreal because we are all skinny, but she got COPD from smoking too much and retired and just gave up on life after everyone in the family **** on her (they **** on me worse but I didn’t give up on life so it’s really hard to feel sorry for her). Eats and eats, and just watches TV for at least 14 hours a day. Her only form of exercise that she chooses is going to Walmart. She does NOT exercise, she has never done it. She doesn’t go for walks. Doesn’t even knit or read books. She used to garden back in the day but she won’t even do that now. Only time she has exercises is in therapy which she often quits because they “piss her off” all the time. She is frankly lazy IMO, but I don’t say this and I don’t mean to sound like I don’t respect my mother but jeez I gotta call it like I see it. And yes I do think she is depressed but she will NOT see a therapist.

 

At first I was doing all kinds of things to help her get motivated to lose the weight, from buying organics at the Farmer's Market to the plethora of exercising options here living by the beach in LA. I’ve taken her biking at the beach even though it was rather inconvenient, I have to do all kinds of work to help her ride and we go so sloooooooow, it's not a work out for me (or her either essentially, she stops every two minutes and doesn't push herself at all) and takes about 3-4 hours to do this whole trip which wastes my day for me.

 

She NEVER ever initiates to exercise, it’s always me offering to take her hoping to motivate her. She walks around talking about how much she want to lose the weight, and she does indeed enjoy her rides, but she makes no real effort to lose any weight at all because she keeps eating junk food and not doing anything daily other than going to the grocery store.

 

She will buy Dove chocolate bars saying she got them for me on sale, but she ends up eating more than half. She eats chocolates all the time. Then the rest of the time she eats raw cabbage and popcorn for dinner and snacks as if that is going to offset eating junk food and not exercising. Her unbalanced diet is a complete joke and SHE KNOWS BETTER. Today she just blurts out at lunch "I bought you bananas today, and I got a donut." I'm like why the hell are you telling me again that you are not doing what it takes to lose weight? I said nothing though hoping the non-response would send her a message that I am not amused.

 

I'm at the end of my rope. I don't want to give up on her so much in that if she decided on day to get health that I will support her. I feel that I should completely stop doing anything to motivate her at this point to go exercise or eat right which includes taking her for bike rides, she needs to find her own way to excise on her own. I think I should tell her to stop buying me chocolates because I’m going to eat healthy 100% of the time and don’t want junk food anymore around me.

 

Am I too harsh in deciding to no longer engage in supporting her bad eating habits and lack of desire to exercise?

Do you agree or have advice for me? I want to be a loving daughter, but I can’t continue to worry on her weight issues. I'm so worried she's going to die early, but I feel I should shift my worry onto solving what I will do when I lose her rather than on motivating her which is a lost cause. I can only solve my own problems, right?

 

How would you cope?

 

EDIT: And additionally, should I call her out on this mess (in a polite respectful manner that is)? Like the next time she complains she is fat and has to lose the weight say point blank that I know it won't happen because she is clearly not making the choices that reflect a true desire to lose the weight?

 

I honestly want to tell her to stop bringing it up, I'm sick of her complaints yet not taking action. Thanks

Edited December 2, 2014 by erkyjerky
I needed to add another question

[erkyjerky]

Can someone lend their help to me?

[mammasita]

I really don't think there is anything you can do. Its her decision. It looks like you've done everything you possibly can to try to help and she hasn't "seen the light" yet so to speak.

 

All I can say at this point is - don't enable her. When people want to change, we do so on our own. It's like leaving a bad relationship. We won't listen to anyone that tells us we should, we do it on our own time when we want to, when we finally have our "A-HA" moment, not because people around us want us to.

[FitChick]

Start getting her financial affairs in order. Have yourself made beneficiary of her various pensions and accounts. Have her write a will if she doesn't have one. Ask her what type of funeral she wants to have or does she want simple cremation. It not only will plant a seed in her fat addled brain that she will be dying soon but might shake her up enough to do something. On a practical note it will save you the aggravation of trying to sort out all the financial stuff when she dies and you can't think straight.

 

Sounds like she is lonely. Perhaps find a social group for seniors. I think my aunts belonged to Elderhostel which planned day trips or weekend trips for seniors.

 

I wouldn't harp on exercise. Gradually change her eating habits subtly by substituting items. Once she loses weight exercise will become easier. She is fat because she eats too much.