Dating and the desire to not have children

[LookAtThisPOst]

I was wondering. How many of you ladies are of a certain age get to the point where you didn't have children for a good while. You reach say your mid-30's to even late 30's or early 40's

I'm sure at one time you wanted kids, but you never yet met that special someone in your 20s like so many of your friends have.

 

Is this around the time you say, "Well, that's that, I don't want children now" because the idea of being an elderly parent isn't desirable also wouldn't be fair to the child either?

At what age do you stop the desire to have children?

 

Ironically, I don't want kids, but I keep bumping into women in my dating age bracket (late 30s to early 40s), that some still do desire it. THat being said, it's a great bonus that they don't initially have kids, but the downside is that they want kids, even at that age.

[serial muse]

I was wondering. How many of you ladies are of a certain age get to the point where you didn't have children for a good while. You reach say your mid-30's to even late 30's or early 40's

I'm sure at one time you wanted kids, but you never yet met that special someone in your 20s like so many of your friends have.

 

Is this around the time you say, "Well, that's that, I don't want children now" because the idea of being an elderly parent isn't desirable also wouldn't be fair to the child either?

At what age do you stop the desire to have children?

 

Ironically, I don't want kids, but I keep bumping into women in my dating age bracket (late 30s to early 40s), that some still do desire it. THat being said, it's a great bonus that they don't initially have kids, but the downside is that they want kids, even at that age.

 

Had a kid at 42, so. That's just how it worked out.

[carhill]

OP, having lived through the era, my opinion is expect any woman of child-bearing age (under 50 would be my criteria, in general) to want children unless and until they communicate something different and have taken verifiable steps to permanently sterilize themselves. Otherwise, regardless of words, they're presumed to be on the fence.

 

The doctor I dated was a grandmother (46) at the time and she had undergone sterilization after her second daughter and spoke clearly that her time for children had passed, meaning she not only didn't want any other children but had also taken steps to ensure that. I think, at the time, when push came to shove, that's why I moved on from her, even though she was a great lady, because, at 39 and childless, I still wished to have children.

[Thegreatestthing]

I love babies I think they're the cutest things in the world,I just love babies.

But I don't want any children so it doesn't bother me,this is mostly because I looked after my friends children alot and it was just endless washing,endless dishes,endless bickering etc etc etc no time to create,write,read do anything.my friend really doesn't like being a parent she just loathed it,it really put me off kids.

[FitChick]

The trend for many years now is to have no or fewer kids.

[Million.to.1]

OP, having lived through the era, my opinion is expect any woman of child-bearing age (under 50 would be my criteria, in general) to want children unless and until they communicate something different and have taken verifiable steps to permanently sterilize themselves. Otherwise, regardless of words, they're presumed to be on the fence.

 

The fact is though carhill, that MOST doctors would not preform any kind of permanent sterilisation on a woman who DIDN'T already have children or didn't have a related health issue to boot yet was still of child bearing years.

 

At 35, with no kids myself.... if I went and sought a hysterectomy, I would be hard pressed to find anyone who would actually do it just by saying "I don't want children".

 

So for woman without children who do not want children, communicating their wishes to partners is all they really have.

[Million.to.1]

... But i agree that they should always be considered "on the fence"

as the medical profession does!

[carhill]

If you tried and were refused, we could talk about that. Doctors are like pimples. They're everywhere. With sufficient desire and resourcefulness, anyone can achieve any goal they choose. I'd be watching for that quality and motivation. If absent, I'd presume as prior, that children are still on the menu.

 

Likewise, the same would apply to me, and I've stated prior that, if ever getting into another LTR, I'd get sterilized simply because my era to effectively parent children is past for me.

Edited December 2, 2014 by carhill
Equality

[d0nnivain]

I'm in my late 40s, married at 41, no kids. I was never chomping at the bit to have kids. When I got married I knew DH wanted kids & we had a lot of long talks because I didn't think I'd be able to give him kids. Turns out I couldn't.

 

That still makes me sad. I think I would have liked to have HIS kid but not just kids in general.

 

Timing is everything.

[preraph]

I think if they ever wanted kids, they probably still want kids, and if they never did, they still don't. I think anyone who asks to be sterilized should get that and that it's terribly stupid to turn women away just because they haven't yet had a kid. The whole point to sterilization is so you don't have a kid. I can't believe doctors think they should be able to make that call for people. I ran a child-free board for some years, and nearly all of them pretty much always knew they definitely didn't want kids, the majority since childhood. I think if you're old enough to enlist and go to war, you're old enough to decide for yourself on sterilization. On the board I ran, everyone gave all the options thorough consideration and asked many questions and got all the available options.

[todreaminblue]

if it were possible for me to have children at my age i would......i am 45...i dont think its wrong for women who are older to want to have children......as far as being elderly parents.......i dont feel 45 to 50 is elderly...people are working well into their seventies....so why not parenting too...........deb

[me85]

Age isn't really a factor with me. I'm more about making sure I don't raise a child with the wrong man. I'm 29. I've only seen myself having that type of future with one of my long term bfs. I never saw myself settling down with anyone else. I don't know what will happen in the future but if I never feel that way about a man again then I won't be marrying or conceiving just for the sake of it. I'm going to have to want it with that person. Like I did before my ex took an RPG to my heart.

[preraph]

if it were possible for me to have children at my age i would......i am 45...i dont think its wrong for women who are older to want to have children......as far as being elderly parents.......i dont feel 45 to 50 is elderly...people are working well into their seventies....so why not parenting too...........deb

 

I don't think it's wrong either. People live longer now, but I do think you should have a spouse to do that, so if someone does go early. I mean, people have health problems a teen shouldn't have to be responsible for tending to. But I have to say, after seeing people start looking 10 years older a year into caring for a baby, I wouldn't have had the energy for it past mid-forties. By 50, I was losing a lot of steam.

[newmoon]

i think it's very selfish to have a kid after 40, because you're just too old, male or female. you lose patience, you lose energy, you lose the 'hipness', and you won't have your child as a buddy that you can really enjoy. most people over 40 who have a kid always say "i wish i'd had him/her younger." you don't hear people saying "wow, glad i waited until i was 50!"and what guy on here thinks women are of child-bearing age up to age 50 anyway??? insane. maybe with a lot of help from doctors or prior children, then yes, but i don't hear of many women over 45 giving birth naturally. i don't think a woman decides" ok, i am X, no children now" it just comes naturally, when you realize it won't happen, can't happen, or that the time has just come and gone. maybe for some people it's a conscious decision tied to age. everyone is different. i never wanted kids, ever. i am 39, still child-free and my partner had a vasectomy at age 25, so no worries there. i was recently dating a 59 year old guy and we broke up because he wanted kids. talk about ridiculous. what type of man wants a kid at 59? he'll be dead or seriously ill before they hit high school.

[LookAtThisPOst]

By 50, I was losing a lot of steam.

 

Yes, and the eggs stop dropping by then.

[newmoon]

Yes, and the eggs stop dropping by then.

 

there is a 0-1% chance of pregnancy at age 50. i would say the eggs have long since died and made their way to heaven.

[bubbletea]

I'm 31 and don't want to or plan to have kids, mostly because I feel I already missed the boat. If I had met someone and been married in my 20s, things may be different. But I did not have a strong desire for children anyway.

 

I would want to be dating someone for around two years at least, then marriage...then a child. I would be too old by then to have kids considering I have no relationship or prospects on the horizon right now.

 

I am studying nursing at the moment and they always stress that by age 35, your chances of having a down syndrome baby go way up. My mom was 35 when I was born though. I just have no relationship with a guy right now so I know my chances are zilch for children.

[Standard-Fare]

OP, I'm assuming from your post that you're male and looking for women in your age range who explicitly don't want children? And maybe surprised to find that some women in this age range still DO aspire for that?

 

I think if this is posing a problem in your dating experiences, you need to be more discerning in finding women who are firmly decided on the issue. If you're doing online dating, immediately rule out those who say they want kids or "might" want kids. For non-online dating, you should probably be trying to broach that topic early on in the relationship. It's tough, because it's not something you want to be talking about on the third date or whatever, but it's in everybody's best interest to get that issue out there in the open.

[todreaminblue]

i think it's very selfish to have a kid after 40, because you're just too old, male or female. you lose patience, you lose energy, you lose the 'hipness', and you won't have your child as a buddy that you can really enjoy. most people over 40 who have a kid always say "i wish i'd had him/her younger." you don't hear people saying "wow, glad i waited until i was 50!"and what guy on here thinks women are of child-bearing age up to age 50 anyway??? insane. maybe with a lot of help from doctors or prior children, then yes, but i don't hear of many women over 45 giving birth naturally. i don't think a woman decides" ok, i am X, no children now" it just comes naturally, when you realize it won't happen, can't happen, or that the time has just come and gone. maybe for some people it's a conscious decision tied to age. everyone is different. i never wanted kids, ever. i am 39, still child-free and my partner had a vasectomy at age 25, so no worries there. i was recently dating a 59 year old guy and we broke up because he wanted kids. talk about ridiculous. what type of man wants a kid at 59? he'll be dead or seriously ill before they hit high school.

 

after having my first child in my teenage years i would have to say i wish they saw me as less of a buddy...when my daughters tell their friends mum is like a bud...i say no...i am your mum i am not your pal.......so more as a parent they need to respect is hpw i want my kids to see me...elderly parents have as much to offer as younger parents in different ways.......one of them is a firm understanding of what you need to do in life, hwo to navigate through all the dramas and trials....unbeatable advice.... and life experience that is unsurpassed....i feel an older parent might not be able to kick a footy around or wrestle..but we can cheer from the sidelines teach them fair play and how to be good sportsman...without joining in the competition.......maybe more on the intellectual...which is not a bad thing to be as a parent...i however am now a grandparent and child rearing has gone into the next generation in my family.........i plan on buying them lots of books and reading them to my grandkids often....do you know they have interactive books now.....you blow on a page and things move or you do something and a whole story unfolds differently.like a movie scene..how cool is that............deb

[LookAtThisPOst]

I hear that for older women, they say, "I can always adopt." Though, even that isn't a desirable alternative as you still will be having a child in your life at a later age. It's also expensive to adopt.

I think some people go into a state of panic "OMG, I am almost 40, I better hurry up and find a man!"

In my initial email to women online that are of that age bracket and state that they want kids, Esp. the "I have kids and I want more". I try to get clarification if they picked that in error.

[sillyanswer]

In my initial email to women online that are of that age bracket and state that they want kids, Esp. the "I have kids and I want more". I try to get clarification if they picked that in error.

 

How do you phrase that in a way that's sensitive enough to elicit a response from a total stranger?

[Standard-Fare]

How do you phrase that in a way that's sensitive enough to elicit a response from a total stranger?

 

Yeah, I wouldn't go second-guessing a woman's stated preference about children. They put that out there in public for a reason.

[xxoo]

I hear that for older women, they say, "I can always adopt." Though, even that isn't a desirable alternative as you still will be having a child in your life at a later age. It's also expensive to adopt.

I think some people go into a state of panic "OMG, I am almost 40, I better hurry up and find a man!"

In my initial email to women online that are of that age bracket and state that they want kids, Esp. the "I have kids and I want more". I try to get clarification if they picked that in error.

 

Adoption may be desirable to them. And the beauty of adoption is, an individual can adopt without a partner (eliminating your panic concern). Yes, it's expensive to adopt, but people in their 40s with no kids tend to have greater financial means. If she's worked all those years and wants a family, what better way to spend her hard-earned money? I can't think of one

 

Has anyone responded that they picked it in error?

[serial muse]

i think it's very selfish to have a kid after 40, because you're just too old, male or female. you lose patience, you lose energy, you lose the 'hipness', and you won't have your child as a buddy that you can really enjoy. most people over 40 who have a kid always say "i wish i'd had him/her younger." you don't hear people saying "wow, glad i waited until i was 50!"and what guy on here thinks women are of child-bearing age up to age 50 anyway??? insane. maybe with a lot of help from doctors or prior children, then yes, but i don't hear of many women over 45 giving birth naturally. i don't think a woman decides" ok, i am X, no children now" it just comes naturally, when you realize it won't happen, can't happen, or that the time has just come and gone. maybe for some people it's a conscious decision tied to age. everyone is different. i never wanted kids, ever. i am 39, still child-free and my partner had a vasectomy at age 25, so no worries there. i was recently dating a 59 year old guy and we broke up because he wanted kids. talk about ridiculous. what type of man wants a kid at 59? he'll be dead or seriously ill before they hit high school.

 

Well, I'm not sure if we're pooh-poohing age 40, 45, 50, or 59 here (the goalpost for "too old" seems to be moving around a lot in this post), but regardless, I'll say that there are tradeoffs. As I said upthread, I'm 43 now with a one-year-old who was very much wanted. Yes, we're older parents, but we are financially stable, own a home, are well-established in our careers, aren't missing going out or partying one bit (been there, done that) and we still seem to do all right when it comes to keeping up with the kiddo (no small task; he's pretty quick).

 

I think a lot of people just like to judge. Having kids is both selfish and unselfish at any time in one's life. It's a complicated emotional thing, and it's easy to sit on the sidelines and tell other people they're doing it wrong.

 

Better instead, IMO, to take people as they are. Which, OP, is a not-so-veiled way of saying don't ask these women if they really mean it. They probably do, so they're not for you.

[newmoon]

after having my first child in my teenage years i would have to say i wish they saw me as less of a buddy...when my daughters tell their friends mum is like a bud...i say no...i am your mum i am not your pal.......so more as a parent they need to respect is hpw i want my kids to see me...elderly parents have as much to offer as younger parents in different ways.......one of them is a firm understanding of what you need to do in life, hwo to navigate through all the dramas and trials....unbeatable advice.... and life experience that is unsurpassed....i feel an older parent might not be able to kick a footy around or wrestle..but we can cheer from the sidelines teach them fair play and how to be good sportsman...without joining in the competition.......maybe more on the intellectual...which is not a bad thing to be as a parent...i however am now a grandparent and child rearing has gone into the next generation in my family.........i plan on buying them lots of books and reading them to my grandkids often....do you know they have interactive books now.....you blow on a page and things move or you do something and a whole story unfolds differently.like a movie scene..how cool is that............deb

 

i didn't mean buddy in the sense that you're taking it. at an advanced age, you just don't have the mobility you would as a younger person. so, let's say there is a kid (now pre-teen) and the parent is 50s, i doubt the parent will go ice skating with the kid or be able to engage in too many risky activities because the parent will be more aware of risks to themselves (health/falls, etc.). you can't be a buddy in that sense because no matter how young you *think* you are, your body is aging. obviously, an older parent (we hope) makes for a better one since they have additional life experience, but add 43 to 18 and you get a 61 year old parent when the kid just graduated high school. that's unfair to the child, to have a grandparent for a parent.