Feeling real love for the first time

[Redhouse]

I have been married for over thirty years. My wife and I married hastily. We never courted in the proper sense of the word or explored our feelings for each other. The concept of love has always been hard for me to grasp. I was never one for saying 'I love you.' I felt embarrassed whenever I did, indeed, I preferred saying it with the light switched off. Over the years I developed a love - if it could be called that - for my wife that could be understood as affectionate. I have to tell my wife the truth of how I feel so that she can move on in her life and perhaps find a man who can show her the type of love she needs. She knows how I feel and tells me that she loves me just the way I am and always has done. This makes me feel trapped. Maybe I am making a meal of something that is not actually there. Be this as it may, what if I suddenly come across a woman that I love in the romantic way?

Edited December 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[the_artist_1970]

So why not leave and be with the OW? You only have one life. Your W deserves to have a man who loves her the way you love the OW. Set her free to find that love. There is a man out there who can love her in a way that you never have. It's sad that she has never had that from a man. Thirty years wont be swept under the carpet. A new beginning for you both will be good.

[gettingstronger]

You know what you need to do, so go ahead and do it. You may find your wife is feeling the same way. I think its good you are this in tune this early and you should continue to listen to yourself and tell your wife. Good luck-

[FusionCutter]

Tell your wife the truth.

[DKT3]

To all the OW out there, this is what a coward sounds like.

 

Come on OP, this is pure cowardly. You have stole 30+ years of this womans life and he you sit playing the woe is me song. No, woe is your wife.

 

What is this 30 years is hard to sweep away stuff? You don't love her so let her go, she will be fine, she will find a man that will love her and also the happiness you have prevented her from having.

 

You sir are no hero, so stop playing the role.

[anika99]

I think it very wise for you to talk to your wife about this. Sooner rather than later. She may be the very person to help you sort this all out.

 

 

You also may want to examine what your true feelings for this OW are. So many times people are vessels of what we want or need them to be at that moment. After 30 yrs of marriage I'm guessing you are somewhere in your fifties right? A lot of people start to question there lives around this time. They start to wonder what they have missed in life and worry about what is left. I wonder if you had met this OW 10 or 15 years ago if you would have "fallen" in love then. I think she represents something to you at this stage of your life and that if you weren't at this stage she would mean a lot less to you. I think what I'm trying to say is that you are chasing something in the OW that you are missing in yourself.

 

 

Nobody gets everything in life. It sounds like you and your wife have had a good marriage that has been secure, caring and respectful. She probably knows you a lot better than you think she does. She has accepted you as you are for 30 yrs. That's not meaningless. Your marriage has value and I think you need to figure this all out before you decide that some passion with a new woman is worth tossing away a long term marriage. Talk to your wife.

[Redhouse]

To all the OW out there, this is what a coward sounds like.

 

Come on OP, this is pure cowardly. You have stole 30+ years of this womans life and he you sit playing the woe is me song. No, woe is your wife.

 

What is this 30 years is hard to sweep away stuff? You don't love her so let her go, she will be fine, she will find a man that will love her and also the happiness you have prevented her from having.

 

You sir are no hero, so stop playing the role.

 

 

I never said I was a hero. There aren't even any heroes in the bible, sir. You don't know the history of my marriage.

[Redhouse]

So why not leave and be with the OW? You only have one life. Your W deserves to have a man who loves her the way you love the OW. Set her free to find that love. There is a man out there who can love her in a way that you never have. It's sad that she has never had that from a man. Thirty years wont be swept under the carpet. A new beginning for you both will be good.

 

My wife and I have nearly parted on numerous occasions but it has been me that has prevented the split. Maybe she was telling me something then.

[kamani]

I know you have no need to lie in a public forum, but I find some facts you say hard to believe. You never loved your wife in a romantic way for all those 30 years? How many kids do you have and how was the sex?

 

Of course just because we are married, it doesn't mean there are no other people in the world that we find loveable and attractive. There are many, but we meet only a very few of them. I feel what you feel about this OW is infatuation rather than love. Good to discuss this with your wife.

[DKT3]

My wife and I have nearly parted on numerous occasions but it has been me that has prevented the split. Maybe she was telling me something then.

 

Your playing the hero role by acting like your doing what's best for your wife. Yet if that were the case you would have left 29 and a half years ago and allowed her to find a man who loves her with passion and fire. Not like some scared little boy shying away from the unknown, staying because its warm and comfortable.

 

As far as knowing the history of your marriage, while there was no need after you stated you've never loved her.

 

Your wife deserves some passion in her life, you can't give it to her so why not let her go when she wanted to? Why suck her back in?

[whichwayisup]

My wife and I have nearly parted on numerous occasions but it has been me that has prevented the split. Maybe she was telling me something then.

 

Why hang on to your wife when you never 'felt' in love with her? You say you nearly parted ways a few times, what was it that made you not let go so you both could start new lives apart?

[Redhouse]

Why hang on to your wife when you never 'felt' in love with her? You say you nearly parted ways a few times, what was it that made you not let go so you both could start new lives apart?

 

 

'Felt' in love? You inverted comas put a question mark over the way love feels. Tell me, what does love feel like to you?

[waterwoman]

'Felt' in love? You inverted comas put a question mark over the way love feels. Tell me, what does love feel like to you?

 

That isn't an answer to the question. Please tell use because I really cannot see why you didn't leave and why you stopped her leaving. In fact if you never loved her you were being selfish stopping her going. No-one wants to stay in a marriage where their spouse is simply doing them a favour.

[Rainbowlove]

Dear Redhouse,

 

You sound like a very thoughtful person who is trying to go about breaking his wife's heart the right way. You have been upfront with her (to a degree). Standing face to face with your partner and saying you think you didn't love them the right way all these years is damn hard to do. It takes some serious courage.

 

I get where you are at. The only way to know what to do is to do it. That means you will never get this woman out of your system until you have her. And if you have her, you'll never get her out of your system. It's a double edged sword, my friend.

 

You'll have to risk losing your marriage and wife, but at least you will have gone after what you wanted. It may be the grass is greener on the other side, or it may just appear to be greener.

 

Whatever you decided to do, be gentle. Be honest. Don't sneak around. Don't lie and don't cheat. End your marriage first.

 

Good luck.

[Got it]

Is there even another person involved???? I see the normal people jumping all over it but the first post reads as more of a concern that the OP doesn't feel he is in love with his wife, recognizes the magnitude of it and deciding whether to divorce.

 

Which is more a post for S/D than here.

 

And since this isn't about another person actually involved why are people still so upset that a person does not believe they are in love with their spouse and the idea that one wants to divorce over it is so abominable? Do people feel that one should stay married regardless of happiness level forever regardless of how they feel? That one should be punished because they just don't feel the level of interest, love, etc.? How is it being cowardly to admit that one just doesn't love their spouse?

 

OP - my advice, this is a good starting point to start investigating these thoughts. Individual therapy would be a good place to figure out if this is truly how you feel and if there are any other layers to the onion and figure out what you want to do. If you feel that you have any interest giving your marriage a shot, marriage counseling to try and seek help for the both of you to see what can be done to rebuild things. Please do all of this before/oppose to having an affair. The affair will only add fuel to the fire.

 

You have ever right to have these feelings, these feelings are valid and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. What you do with them is another matter. Make sure you have tried to exhaust every avenue before divorcing but it is your choice. Talk to your wife, tell her how you feel, and see if there is any way for you two to work together.

 

Good luck

[Lokin4AReason]

its a beautiful feeling

 

and dont loose sight of each other w/ everyday distraction(s) in life

[Redhouse]

Is there even another person involved???? I see the normal people jumping all over it but the first post reads as more of a concern that the OP doesn't feel he is in love with his wife, recognizes the magnitude of it and deciding whether to divorce.

 

Which is more a post for S/D than here.

 

And since this isn't about another person actually involved why are people still so upset that a person does not believe they are in love with their spouse and the idea that one wants to divorce over it is so abominable? Do people feel that one should stay married regardless of happiness level forever regardless of how they feel? That one should be punished because they just don't feel the level of interest, love, etc.? How is it being cowardly to admit that one just doesn't love their spouse?

 

OP - my advice, this is a good starting point to start investigating these thoughts. Individual therapy would be a good place to figure out if this is truly how you feel and if there are any other layers to the onion and figure out what you want to do. If you feel that you have any interest giving your marriage a shot, marriage counseling to try and seek help for the both of you to see what can be done to rebuild things. Please do all of this before/oppose to having an affair. The affair will only add fuel to the fire.

 

You have ever right to have these feelings, these feelings are valid and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. What you do with them is another matter. Make sure you have tried to exhaust every avenue before divorcing but it is your choice. Talk to your wife, tell her how you feel, and see if there is any way for you two to work together.

 

Good luck

 

 

Thank you. One of a few people who understand what I am feeling and who has empathised. I have spoken to my wife beginning rather harshly I admit by just coming right out with in the manner of pulling out a stubborn tooth. It hurt her bad, which in turn hurt me to see her that way. This said, what I told her was not less harsh than what she has said and done to me in the past only this time the momentum is being sustained. I am not a coward as someone who doesn't even know me has suggested but rather trying to do this as painless as possible for both of us. I would call that being sensitive albeit within a very difficult context.

[Rainbowlove]

I am not a coward as someone who doesn't even know me has suggested but rather trying to do this as painless as possible for both of us. I would call that being sensitive albeit within a very difficult context.

 

Sir, I get where you are coming from and I'm not judging you. I am someone who has walked in your very shoes.

 

Take it from me, there is no painless way to do what you are proposing. It will rip you and your wife apart in every way; physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually speaking.

 

I respect your attempts at it, but it won't work. Deciding to end your marriage for someone else will sting for years to come. You've spent 30 years with this woman.

 

I'm not saying to stay married in anyway. I'm saying, everyone will hurt it's unavoidable.

 

Hunker down and get ready for pain.

[anika99]

Is there even another person involved???? I see the normal people jumping all over it but the first post reads as more of a concern that the OP doesn't feel he is in love with his wife, recognizes the magnitude of it and deciding whether to divorce.

 

Which is more a post for S/D than here.

 

And since this isn't about another person actually involved why are people still so upset that a person does not believe they are in love with their spouse and the idea that one wants to divorce over it is so abominable? Do people feel that one should stay married regardless of happiness level forever regardless of how they feel? That one should be punished because they just don't feel the level of interest, love, etc.? How is it being cowardly to admit that one just doesn't love their spouse?

 

OP - my advice, this is a good starting point to start investigating these thoughts. Individual therapy would be a good place to figure out if this is truly how you feel and if there are any other layers to the onion and figure out what you want to do. If you feel that you have any interest giving your marriage a shot, marriage counseling to try and seek help for the both of you to see what can be done to rebuild things. Please do all of this before/oppose to having an affair. The affair will only add fuel to the fire.

 

You have ever right to have these feelings, these feelings are valid and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. What you do with them is another matter. Make sure you have tried to exhaust every avenue before divorcing but it is your choice. Talk to your wife, tell her how you feel, and see if there is any way for you two to work together.

 

Good luck

 

 

The OP's original post was edited for some reason. There is another woman that he has recently fallen for. This is why people are posting the way they are. He has been married for 30yrs and only after this new woman came on the scene did he decide that his marriage hasn't been all that great. So of course people are advising him not to make a hasty decision. The edited version of his post looks completely out of place in this thread now. I don't understand why it was changed so drastically.

[Got it]

Thank you. One of a few people who understand what I am feeling and who has empathised. I have spoken to my wife beginning rather harshly I admit by just coming right out with in the manner of pulling out a stubborn tooth. It hurt her bad, which in turn hurt me to see her that way. This said, what I told her was not less harsh than what she has said and done to me in the past only this time the momentum is being sustained. I am not a coward as someone who doesn't even know me has suggested but rather trying to do this as painless as possible for both of us. I would call that being sensitive albeit within a very difficult context.

 

Okay, don't start the tit for tat piece. That doesn't help the situation. You are on the cusp of a major life decision, you need to try and look at things as clearly and analytically as possible. Make sure you seeing things for what they are and have a clear understanding of your feelings. So see a professional third party to help you with this process.

 

Please don't kid yourself, divorce is not painless, even the most amicable divorces have sadness and pain to them. My ex and I had a very amicable divorce but after basically growing up together, both of us knowing and accepting that we were done, still brought a mourning process.

 

For me, I got to a point where I just knew, in the bottom of my soul I was done. I felt like I was drowning and I couldn't keep my head above water and I just didn't have the energy in my to keep trying. I had been trying, I had been asking him to meet me half way and he didn't. And I just got to a point where I was completely done. There was nothing left.

 

But I have never regretted the divorce, we parted ways peacefully, and he is living a very happy life with a woman that I know is a better match for him and makes him far happier. And I am so happy for him. I am so happy he has that life. He deserves it.

[whichwayisup]

'Felt' in love? You inverted comas put a question mark over the way love feels. Tell me, what does love feel like to you?

 

Just going by what you said, that's all.

I was never one for saying 'I love you.' I felt embarrassed whenever I did, indeed, I preferred saying it with the light switched off. Over the years I developed a love - if it could be called that

[Dean13]

The OP's original post was edited for some reason. There is another woman that he has recently fallen for. This is why people are posting the way they are. He has been married for 30yrs and only after this new woman came on the scene did he decide that his marriage hasn't been all that great. So of course people are advising him not to make a hasty decision. The edited version of his post looks completely out of place in this thread now. I don't understand why it was changed so drastically.

 

Seems silly to edit it that much, completely changes the context, and probably the comments and advice.

[Versailles]

Sounds like you have been through a lot with your wife these 30 years and I agree that the time spent together cannot just be swept under the carpet and disregarded. You've tried sounding her out and she was already upset. Honestly, do you feel that your wife is your partner in life, someone whom you can always fall back on no matter what? At the end of the day, a true spouse is someone who will care for you and be there for you through everything life can throw at you. If yes, I don't think you should pursue this other woman (regardless of your feelings) and stay faithful to the woman you already have in your life.

 

Another thing you might want to consider is.. How old is this other woman? If she is significantly younger than you, remember that you will (probably) leave this world first and she is going to spend many years living on without you. Is this something you want to do to her (or has she even considered this aspect)?