"You deserve better"...so they say

[prettyeyes87]

I have the strongest urge to just reach out to him, to see if he still cares about me. I know this urge is irrational but is it normal to feel this set back by seeing his face?? I feel like all my 6 weeks was a waste and I'm right back at square one I'm so mad at myself.

[SycamoreCircle]

I'm thoroughly convinced people got over break ups more speedily before Facebook.

 

It's like that union hall in The Shining with all the pictures and ghost attendants that seem to dredge the worst parts of our subconscious.

 

You miss that person because you love(d) them. Love is not nullified by meanness, immaturity, betrayal, etc.

[prettyeyes87]

I just want to give up and say forget it. NC isn't working if after 6 weeks I can be set so far back in less than 5 mins.

[FusionCutter]

I just want to give up and say forget it. NC isn't working if after 6 weeks I can be set so far back in less than 5 mins.

 

Your mind is playing tricks on you. Contact him next week. See how you feel about it then.

 

What does contacting him do for you?

Edited December 15, 2014 by FusionCutter

[prettyeyes87]

Your mind is playing tricks on you. Contact him next week. See how you feel about it then.

 

What does contacting him do for you?

 

Thanks, my sister said the same thing, wait a week to see if I feel the same. Contacting him does nothing for me except make me feel like he does/did care about me. I don't want to feel like I was nothing to him, he never made it seem like that so those are my own issues anyway. It almost seems like that as long as I know for sure he did care about me and everything wasn't lies then I can move on better, like it wasn't all for nothing. It sucks to think you are the only one hurting, because that means it meant something to me.

 

I have a question for you. I met with my therapist last week and she suggested that I need to put an ending to it in my mind. At the time in the visit I thought I understood what she meant by that. But when I got home and tried to figure out how to do it, I realized I didn't really understand. I don't see her again until next week, can you shed some light on what it means to put an ending to it in your mind? She said "in my mind" so I am assuming that doesn't include any type of communication from him.

[FusionCutter]

Thanks, my sister said the same thing, wait a week to see if I feel the same. Contacting him does nothing for me except make me feel like he does/did care about me. I don't want to feel like I was nothing to him, he never made it seem like that so those are my own issues anyway. It almost seems like that as long as I know for sure he did care about me and everything wasn't lies then I can move on better, like it wasn't all for nothing. It sucks to think you are the only one hurting, because that means it meant something to me.

 

I have a question for you. I met with my therapist last week and she suggested that I need to put an ending to it in my mind. At the time in the visit I thought I understood what she meant by that. But when I got home and tried to figure out how to do it, I realized I didn't really understand. I don't see her again until next week, can you shed some light on what it means to put an ending to it in your mind? She said "in my mind" so I am assuming that doesn't include any type of communication from him.

 

 

She means that you need to take care of business on your own. In a way you are relying on your MM to give you some sort of closure, (which in a way he sort of owes you, especially if he gave you promises or something).

 

She is telling you that you need to finish this on your own. You need to bury this into the ground, grieve the loss and move on.

 

His actions show that he's picked his wife.

 

I know somewhere deep down inside you are hoping for one of two things probably from him.

 

"Sorry, PE87, I really messed up, I'm so sorry, I need to make things right with my wife."

 

or

 

"I'm going to leave her to be with you."

 

You have to bury the idea that you will get either things from him. I can almost guarantee he still thinks of you daily, it's not like you're a lightswitch that he can just instantly forget.

 

He's "thrown you under the bus" emotionally, but you have to see that you are the only one with the strength with the ability to recover from this. Sorry to see that he's messed with your feelings like this. It's no way to treat a human being.

 

Remember, only you are responsible for your own emotions. You can assume that he's hurting too. But don't worry abou him and worry about yourself. Your MM didn't worry about anyone except himself during the time of the affair.

 

If you think about it.. if he cared about his wife, why would he hurt her by engaging withy ou?

 

If he cared about you, why would he lie to her or string you along, or he would give you up?

 

He didn't truly care about the emotional outcome for you or his wife - he only pretended to. That's why you're feeling the way you are.

 

His wife would feeling much worse though probably. You need to let go of this dude. And your therapist told you only you can do it on your own, very much how a person can only get thru a loss of a loved one, on their own.

Edited December 15, 2014 by FusionCutter

[Cali408]

The internet makes break ups much more difficult. I agree with Sycamore.

 

Why are you beating yourself up? You haven't contacted him. Yes it's tempting, but you've weathered the worst part of it. See it as you're getting stronger, not being set back.

 

You brain chemistry is screaming for that hormonal surge of reaffirmation. That's all it is.

 

It's easy to wallow in self pity and misery. When you start thinking about him, stop. Immediately, no day dreaming. Then tell yourself the situation of being together is hopeless over and over again until you convince yourself.

 

STAY OFF FACEBOOK, just go free from it until the end of the year. I bet you won't miss it one bit after a week. Take the app off your phone.

 

Do not contact him period.

[GirlStillStrong]

I have the strongest urge to just reach out to him, to see if he still cares about me. I know this urge is irrational but is it normal to feel this set back by seeing his face?? I feel like all my 6 weeks was a waste and I'm right back at square one I'm so mad at myself.

 

What are you looking to fulfill by knowing this guy "cares for" you? Are you looking for evidence that you are worth being cared for? Do you have low self-worth? Or is it that you neglect yourself and care for everyone else, and so expect there to be one special person who is going to care for you the way you care for everyone else? Maybe you are like me and need to focus your energies and resources on YOU, your happiness, things YOU like, what YOU need, instead of on this guy or any other guy. I know, it seems weird that this is the way to be and I really don't like it either, but I'm learning that it's every man for himself, even when you dedicate your life to a specific relationship like a marriage.

[prettyeyes87]

Thanks everyone for the advice/support.

 

So last night I started recieving private calls. I will say that I NEVER get private calls so yes this was very strange. Seeing as how exMM's wife had created 2 fake FB pages to spy on me, sent me fake emails made to look like they were from him and send me messages, I think it's plausible she is now calling me private. If the calls persist I am going to change my number.

 

The after math of this was so not worth the time we spent together. I have NO idea why she would be calling me and I voiced this exact concern with him when I asked him to delete my number and he told me he wouldn't delete it and that it was safe in his phone...yea right.

 

I am trying very hard to keep my NC, just the FB set back was enough and now I think his wife is after me for answers 2 months later! I just want to move on for good.

 

Will a wife continue to contact you until she gets the info she wants?? I just want to move on. I blocked both her fake pages so that could be why she resorted to private calling...

[FusionCutter]

Thanks everyone for the advice/support.

 

So last night I started recieving private calls. I will say that I NEVER get private calls so yes this was very strange. Seeing as how exMM's wife had created 2 fake FB pages to spy on me, sent me fake emails made to look like they were from him and send me messages, I think it's plausible she is now calling me private. If the calls persist I am going to change my number.

 

The after math of this was so not worth the time we spent together. I have NO idea why she would be calling me and I voiced this exact concern with him when I asked him to delete my number and he told me he wouldn't delete it and that it was safe in his phone...yea right.

 

I am trying very hard to keep my NC, just the FB set back was enough and now I think his wife is after me for answers 2 months later! I just want to move on for good.

 

Will a wife continue to contact you until she gets the info she wants?? I just want to move on. I blocked both her fake pages so that could be why she resorted to private calling...

 

She wants to find out the truth. Your exMM was capable of lying to you and her, and she's obviously not satisfied with what he is telling her.

 

You could finalize it with an adult conversation with an apology or whatever, otherwise perhaps she will chase you to the ends of the earth. Otherwise, change your number and move on.

 

She's obviously really shaken up over this. You obviously have no obligation to her, but perhaps you could have one conversation with her, or something. Just to end this for good and everyone can move on.

Edited December 16, 2014 by FusionCutter

[prettyeyes87]

She wants to find out the truth. Your exMM was capable of lying to you and her, and she's obviously not satisfied with what he is telling her.

 

You could finalize it with an adult conversation with an apology or whatever, otherwise perhaps she will chase you to the ends of the earth. Otherwise, change your number and move on.

 

She's obviously really shaken up over this. You obviously have no obligation to her, but perhaps you could have one conversation with her, or something. Just to end this for good and everyone can move on.

Yes I think you are right. I can understand her feelings. This is just something I have struggled over since she first contacted me...should I tell her. I have seen advice on both sides. My concern is opening a can of worms with her, I have no idea if my input will help her or fuel her fire to continue questioning me. I am a woman and I know how we can be, I know this won't be a simple yes or no convo and I know the convo could end up somewhere in left field...I'm just worried it will add to the drama. And even worse if she doesn't believe the info i give her and i end up in some dramatic he said, she said BS with both of them...I'd rather not...They are both 7 years older than me but I have seen immature behavior from both so this concerns me....

[FusionCutter]

Yes I think you are right. I can understand her feelings. This is just something I have struggled over since she first contacted me...should I tell her. I have seen advice on both sides. My concern is opening a can of worms with her, I have no idea if my input will help her or fuel her fire to continue questioning me. I am a woman and I know how we can be, I know this won't be a simple yes or no convo and I know the convo could end up somewhere in left field...I'm just worried it will add to the drama. And even worse if she doesn't believe the info i give her and i end up in some dramatic he said, she said BS with both of them...I'd rather not...They are both 7 years older than me but I have seen immature behavior from both so this concerns me....

 

Consider talking to her. Face up to it. It's just one conversation.

[Cali408]

Do not answer the telephone. If you must change your number. It could be him on the other line. Curiosity killed the cat.

[prettyeyes87]

She means that you need to take care of business on your own. In a way you are relying on your MM to give you some sort of closure, (which in a way he sort of owes you, especially if he gave you promises or something).

 

She is telling you that you need to finish this on your own. You need to bury this into the ground, grieve the loss and move on.

 

His actions show that he's picked his wife.

 

I know somewhere deep down inside you are hoping for one of two things probably from him.

 

"Sorry, PE87, I really messed up, I'm so sorry, I need to make things right with my wife."

 

or

 

"I'm going to leave her to be with you."

 

You have to bury the idea that you will get either things from him. I can almost guarantee he still thinks of you daily, it's not like you're a lightswitch that he can just instantly forget.

 

He's "thrown you under the bus" emotionally, but you have to see that you are the only one with the strength with the ability to recover from this. Sorry to see that he's messed with your feelings like this. It's no way to treat a human being.

 

Remember, only you are responsible for your own emotions. You can assume that he's hurting too. But don't worry abou him and worry about yourself. Your MM didn't worry about anyone except himself during the time of the affair.

 

If you think about it.. if he cared about his wife, why would he hurt her by engaging withy ou?

 

If he cared about you, why would he lie to her or string you along, or he would give you up?

 

He didn't truly care about the emotional outcome for you or his wife - he only pretended to. That's why you're feeling the way you are.

 

His wife would feeling much worse though probably. You need to let go of this dude. And your therapist told you only you can do it on your own, very much how a person can only get thru a loss of a loved one, on their own.

 

This closure part makes a lot of sense. I don't think it's so much that I want him to say either of those statements exactly...I just want a definite goodbye forever from him. I wish he would have ended it by saying "goodbye forever, what we had was nothing, I love my wife and never contact me again". Instead it was more like "hold on a sec, let me get this figured out and then I'll be right back, in the meantime you can still text/call me even though my wife doesn't want us too and I refuse to delete your number, we are still friends but we can't be friends on Facebook so are you on any other social media sites??". A bunch of effing BS. It's like I wished he just slammed the door in my face. That's really the only closure I want but I know I won't get it from him.

[prettyeyes87]

Do not answer the telephone. If you must change your number. It could be him on the other line. Curiosity killed the cat.

 

Good point...

[prettyeyes87]

Consider talking to her. Face up to it. It's just one conversation.

 

If she reaches out to me in the future I will consider it. But I don't want to reach out to her.

[FusionCutter]

This closure part makes a lot of sense. I don't think it's so much that I want him to say either of those statements exactly...I just want a definite goodbye forever from him. I wish he would have ended it by saying "goodbye forever, what we had was nothing, I love my wife and never contact me again". Instead it was more like "hold on a sec, let me get this figured out and then I'll be right back, in the meantime you can still text/call me even though my wife doesn't want us too and I refuse to delete your number, we are still friends but we can't be friends on Facebook so are you on any other social media sites??". A bunch of effing BS. It's like I wished he just slammed the door in my face. That's really the only closure I want but I know I won't get it from him.

 

You can create the closure you want by leaving this guy emotionally on your own. I know it's tough . He's conflict avoidant - that's why he had the affair in the first place instead of fixing his problems with his wife. Stop the BS and clear this out for yourself and yourself only. All the stuff he's telling you is pure BS and only there to string you along! Get strength to leave this situation emotionally. Bury it and grieve it.

[jellybean89]

How do you know his wife created 2 FB profiles to spy on you? If your profile isn't public, she can't see anything anyway. Did MM tell you this? Don't believe him!!

 

The calls could be from him. Don't assume they are from her. Heck, for all you know, he has a new OW and his wife may think you and he are still going on so she may be calling you to get some answers.

 

Also, if you are in the US, you should know that cell numbers are now open game to spam calls. I get several unknown caller calls on my cell weekly, all marketing crap.

[SycamoreCircle]

Closure comes from within oneself.

Edited December 17, 2014 by SycamoreCircle

[prettyeyes87]

How do you know his wife created 2 FB profiles to spy on you? If your profile isn't public, she can't see anything anyway. Did MM tell you this? Don't believe him!!

 

The calls could be from him. Don't assume they are from her. Heck, for all you know, he has a new OW and his wife may think you and he are still going on so she may be calling you to get some answers.

 

Also, if you are in the US, you should know that cell numbers are now open game to spam calls. I get several unknown caller calls on my cell weekly, all marketing crap.

 

Well I know the fake pages are hers because one is actually using her middle and maiden name. Both pages requested my friendship on Facebook repeatedly (meaning I would decline and then a week later one the pages would request again) starting in July when exMM first separated. I asked the page who it was and they would never respond. Fast forwarded to Oct when stuff hit the fan the page started friend requesting again and started messaging me and told me it was his wife. He had no idea she was doing any of this, he didn't tell her about our friendship until Aug, so he was surprised. She also sent me fake emails pretending to be him so I don't put private calls past her. I played around with my profile and while it is mainly blocked if you aren't my friend, you could still see pics I was uploading and a lot of other stuff. She could see pics he liked and commented on. I have since fixed my settings.

 

As far as spam, like I said I NEVER get private calls. Also exMM a is pretty good with his phone so he wouldn't call private, he would call from a text app thing with a whole different number type of deal.

Edited December 17, 2014 by prettyeyes87

[bathtub-row]

Not to rain on your parade or anything because I think in your case, NC is probably the best way to go. Also, I don't know the whole story so take it for what it's worth. There are all kinds of friendships and just because something doesn't fit in with the norm, doesn't mean it isn't meaningful or real. It's possible that he told you those things believing they were true at the time. If it helps to stay pissed off with him so that you don't talk to one another, then I say that's fine. But not everything is going to fit into the mold that everyone else thinks it should fit into. I don't think facebook is exactly a great model, either, since there are a lot of people on my facebook that I don't exactly consider friends. It kind of cuts both ways. Life is often screwed up like that.

[whichwayisup]

]I have the strongest urge to just reach out to him' date=' to see if he still cares about me. I[/b'] know this urge is irrational but is it normal to feel this set back by seeing his face?? I feel like all my 6 weeks was a waste and I'm right back at square one I'm so mad at myself.

 

That's all ego related. You really don't want to break contact just to find out (aka 'fishing') if he still cares or likes you.

 

It'll set you back even further than you are now if you contact him!

[Poppy47]

Closure comes from within oneself.

 

Nobody can do it for you.

 

Poppy

[prettyeyes87]

That's all ego related. You really don't want to break contact just to find out (aka 'fishing') if he still cares or likes you.

 

It'll set you back even further than you are now if you contact him!

The strongest urge to contact has passed now...it's kinda like an ache now in the background...not completely there but not completely gone. I hate that now my mind is filled with thoughts about him. My therapsit told me to stop holding in and stuffing down my feelings. To just feel whatever it is I am feeling and accept it. I just want him out my head, I am tired of these feelings, I get it, I learned my lesson, I just want to move on and be whole again...be me again.

 

What stage of the grief process is bargaining? I keep promising I will never do this again if he would just take the pain away. Is this bargaining? Am I moving forward in my process?

Edited December 18, 2014 by prettyeyes87

[FusionCutter]

The strongest urge to contact has passed now...it's kinda like an ache now in the background...not completely there but not completely gone. I hate that now my mind is filled with thoughts about him. My therapsit told me to stop holding in and stuffing down my feelings. To just feel whatever it is I am feeling and accept it. I just want him out my head, I am tired of these feelings, I get it, I learned my lesson, I just want to move on and be whole again...be me again.

 

What stage of the grief process is bargaining? I keep promising I will never do this again if he would just take the pain away. Is this bargaining? Am I moving forward in my process?

 

Try this. Get a pen a write a detailed letter to your MM. Don't hold anything back. Include intimate details about how he hurt you, his lies were hurting people, how you are grieving. Be emotionally honest with yourself. Finish writing it. But don't mail it. But go and burn it. It might sound stupid, but give it a try. Writing can be a powerful outlet as seen by how many people are on here.