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I agree with everything you have said. ExMM finally told the truth about working on his marriage 3 weeks AFTER the whole "you deserve better" speech. But the day it happened, it was kinda like a frantic rush and his wife tried to contact me and confirm that we were friends and it's over now. So I'm thinking maybe there was a mini dday. But what really got me is he was going to try to have both of us. Why wait 3 weeks to finally tell me what it really is? And during that 3 weeks we were still very close so how disrespectful to the wife when she thought you were working on it now.

 

He is a loser with no respect. I honestly think he was going to try and cake eat and keep us both but something happened that day where had NO choice but to make a decision. And what makes me angry was he wasn't even going to give me an option if I wanted to participate in the cake eating. He knew I had no idea he was working on his marriage and his wife was moving back home until he told me. He was going to take my choice away like he did to wife many times before.... And how could I expect any difference...

 

Did you sleep with him?

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Did you sleep with him?

 

No. We kissed and cuddled and a little fondling but no sex but it would have gotten there at some point. Thank goodness we never got to that point.

 

 

 

May I ask why you ask ?

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No. We kissed and cuddled and a little fondling but no sex but it would have gotten there at some point. Thank goodness we never got to that point.

 

 

 

May I ask why you ask ?

 

I was asking because I wanted to know if you had any self-respect. Seems like you do. Just walk away from your situation before it explodes. I did sleep with my MW once and I regret it to this day that I let myself get so cheap.

 

So if you are thinking about it, don't do it. In fact just walk away. I feel bad for OWs that sleep with their MMs in hopes that they will love them properly - it doesn't. And in fact will simply just keep the OW in the situation with no change because that is exactly what the MM wants. Delicious but poisonous cake.

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He is NOT a friend. If we were friends than we could be friends on facebook. I could like his photos and statuses and he could like mine with no problem. Friends can wish each other happy holidays without overthinking or feeling awkward. Friends can catch up from time to time. Everything that feels ok with normal friends, feels weird with him. When did it get to the point of overthinking and worrying about a friendship? We used to be so carefree and there wasn't anything I couldn't ask him, now I'm worried that certain things "may cross the line" or worry what he'll think. When did it stop being fun? And if we had continued to be "friends" it still wouldn't have been a real friendship how they are supposed to be. It would have to be a sneaky, hidden friendship so his wife wouldn't get hurt. That doesn't sound like much of a friendship at all.

 

I have even come to realize that all the promises he made of being friends "no matter what" was all just BS and a way to validate his ego, a way to see if I would always be there. Even when he told me if he ever got back with his wife we could still hang out and talk, I should have seen the BS because really how was that going to work out? I also think he choose to reconcile sooner than he told me because he was trying to see if he could cake eat. A real friend wouldn't have done that. Just venting here and accepting why we aren't friends anymore.

 

And to clarify I am NC with exMM for a month. I thought we had a friendship before all this but I'm starting to accept I was wrong.

 

Sure - it's not a friendship the way you've described it.

 

It was an affair. A sneaky, lying and manipulative union of two people.

 

Now you've learned - and hopefully you will never participate that way again. It hurts many people.

 

Sorry for your pain.

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I was asking because I wanted to know if you had any self-respect. Seems like you do. Just walk away from your situation before it explodes. I did sleep with my MW once and I regret it to this day that I let myself get so cheap.

 

So if you are thinking about it, don't do it. In fact just walk away. I feel bad for OWs that sleep with their MMs in hopes that they will love them properly - it doesn't. And in fact will simply just keep the OW in the situation with no change because that is exactly what the MM wants. Delicious but poisonous cake.

 

No I am not thinking of sleeping with him ever. This whole situation has changed the attraction totally. This conflict avoidant behavior is just fancy words for a coward. He was FORCED to tell me the truth and that's only reason he did. Or his wife was going to tell me abd he was trying to head that off but that fact remains he was going to hide working on his marriage from me until something forced him.

 

In the past before he got married and wanted to be with me I was honest with him when I chose to be with my daughters dad. When he begged to still be friends I told him no that it wouldn't be fair to my then boyfriend. I know the strength it takes to be honest all on my own with no one forcing my hand and clearly it's not in him. Huge turn off.

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Sure - it's not a friendship the way you've described it.

 

It was an affair. A sneaky, lying and manipulative union of two people.

 

Now you've learned - and hopefully you will never participate that way again. It hurts many people.

 

Sorry for your pain.

 

Thank you. I do want to say that our friendship affair was not sneaky, we never had to hide our friendship from anyone. His wife knew we were spending time together(they were separated and living separately) and we openly posted all over each other's facebook walls for friends and family to see. He tagged me in stuff almost everyday. So it wasn't sneaky or hidden BUT the fact that he tried to hide that he was working on his marriage from me tells me that is exactly where it was headed...a sneaky illicit friendship. Then his wife does not want him to be friends with me so anything we did, even if we just spoke to each other, would be considered behind her back and sneaky. I do not want to participate in that so I blocked him.

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This weekend I was cleaning out facebook pics and I came across a pic exMM had commented on 4 years ago. Even though I have him blocked, facebook obviously didn't remove the comment. The comment didn't bother me, it was just the fact i could see his profile pic on the comment he left. It was a new pic so it was like seeing him for the first time in a couple months and everything hit me.

 

Why do I still miss him even though I know he isn't the nice guy I thought he was? I learned ALOT of unsavory things about him as a person but I still don't get why I miss him? Why do I still care about him? Is it just some affair type fog, like putting him on a pedestal? I know he's not that great but I still miss him. When will I be clear of thoughts of him? Also does it depend how long the affair lasted? This process really sucks...

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evanescentworld

Don't blame Facebook...

Create a brand new account and start afresh. It can be done. I did it due to a name-change. Wrote to all my important contacts and Hey Presto! Sorted! I now have all I need and no surplus rubbish to deal with.

 

It gets a few backs up when members blame Facebook for doing what they have programmed it to do...

 

Fb 'does' nothing. Sadly, it's all self-inflicted...

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Why do I still miss him even though I know he isn't the nice guy I thought he was? ... Is it just some affair type fog, like putting him on a pedestal?

No, I don't think it can be attributed to just "affair fog". Because mine was NOT an affair...but everything else is the same.

At least, sometimes I still do experience those thoughts and feelings. In real time, it didn't last all that long...but I sure fell (for him) really hard! So, maybe it's not the length of time but the depth of impression that they left?

 

It's just your normal, regular grief, I think. Why not? I may have put him on a pedestal at some point...but he long time ago fell off of that...and without my help, even...did that all by himself, to himself :laugh:

 

But still. I did have high vision and pretty dreams of a really wonderful future with him. It's a loss, no matter how else I try to look at it (karma, lessons to be learned, opportunities for self-reflection, blah-blah-blah.)

 

In my current-day recollections of the past (that includes him), I try to also include current-day reality (it was about karma, lessons to be learned, he's basically a jerk, etc., etc.) -- which does help to reduce the frequency and intensity of the thoughts. And when I'm done grieving, it will be done. At least, that is the hope and the plan :).

 

Sending hugs, strength and comfort.

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Don't blame Facebook...

Create a brand new account and start afresh. It can be done. I did it due to a name-change. Wrote to all my important contacts and Hey Presto! Sorted! I now have all I need and no surplus rubbish to deal with.

 

It gets a few backs up when members blame Facebook for doing what they have programmed it to do...

 

Fb 'does' nothing. Sadly, it's all self-inflicted...

 

I'm not literally blaming facebook. It's just that these unexpected triggers suck big time! I've thought about getting rid of my Facebook altogether but that really isn't fair to me. I also don't want to search through ALL my photos for comments he left to delete...

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This weekend I was cleaning out facebook pics and I came across a pic exMM had commented on 4 years ago. Even though I have him blocked, facebook obviously didn't remove the comment. The comment didn't bother me, it was just the fact i could see his profile pic on the comment he left. It was a new pic so it was like seeing him for the first time in a couple months and everything hit me.

 

Why do I still miss him even though I know he isn't the nice guy I thought he was? I learned ALOT of unsavory things about him as a person but I still don't get why I miss him? Why do I still care about him? Is it just some affair type fog, like putting him on a pedestal? I know he's not that great but I still miss him. When will I be clear of thoughts of him? Also does it depend how long the affair lasted? This process really sucks...

 

Seems you've just deleted him. The comment will still stay. Better double check to make sure if you have actually have blocked him because if you block someone you will not see their name nor profile picture.

 

Ego and also the fantasy of who you thought he was. It's a memory and hopefully soon you'll be able to not feel any pain. Keep busy and be proactive, don't allow yourself to think and remember the good times, or bad times. Distraction and be harder on yourself in the sense if you do take that trip down memory lane, remind yourself that he has moved on and he isn't thinking of you so why should you waste your precious time and energy thinking of him!!

 

Be around your good friends and family. Those who really care about you and make you feel great.

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I agree - he isn't blocked if you can still see anything related to him.

 

Change your settings to block him, not just unfriend him.

 

When will it stop hurting? When you decide to stop giving him the power over you. Plus, endings take time. one day at a time.

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I know this probably doesn't matter but I noticed that he wasn't wearing his ring in the pic and it just brought up horrible feelings of rejection. He maintained that he was working on his marriage but now idk. I KNOW I shouldn't care but I was doing ok for 6 weeks and now BAM these feelings are back, shredding me up I feels like. I'm so pissed and yes I checked my blocked list and he is still on it. I can't see when he "liked" my pics but I can still see the comment with his name and pic clear as day but the options for me to like the comment are gone so he is blocked...

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I know this probably doesn't matter but I noticed that he wasn't wearing his ring in the pic and it just brought up horrible feelings of rejection. He maintained that he was working on his marriage but now idk. I KNOW I shouldn't care but I was doing ok for 6 weeks and now BAM these feelings are back, shredding me up I feels like. I'm so pissed and yes I checked my blocked list and he is still on it. I can't see when he "liked" my pics but I can still see the comment with his name and pic clear as day but the options for me to like the comment are gone so he is blocked...

 

Facebook isn't setting yourself back. You're setting yourself back. You really need to take responsibility for your own feelings and problems. Just remember he is married. Perhaps it's good that you can see it so you can feel it. It's a reminder that it's best if you take care of yourself.

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Facebook isn't setting yourself back. You're setting yourself back. You really need to take responsibility for your own feelings and problems. Just remember he is married. Perhaps it's good that you can see it so you can feel it. It's a reminder that it's best if you take care of yourself.

 

My sister said it was good thing to be able to see it. So I can actually see he has moved on but I thought this was a form of breaking NC. I'm just venting, I know facebook really isn't to blame. I thought I was doing ok but obviously I am not if a stupid picture can trigger these feelings again...

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My sister said it was good thing to be able to see it. So I can actually see he has moved on but I thought this was a form of breaking NC. I'm just venting, I know facebook really isn't to blame. I thought I was doing ok but obviously I am not if a stupid picture can trigger these feelings again...

 

Block him so you don't see anything. Seeing those kinds of pictures is the same as if he showed up at your front door. If you want to heal, remove him from your offline and online life. There's no point to continue "seeing" him in real life and online if he's married and unwilling to leave for you.

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I'm just venting, I know facebook really isn't to blame. I thought I was doing ok but obviously I am not if a stupid picture can trigger these feelings again...

prettyeyes, you WERE doing okay -- and after this, you will be doing even better; feeling even stronger! It is fine to 'backslide' when you backslide. If it wasn't Facebook, it would be a song, or a smell, or whatever the bloody hell it wants to be that wants to trigger us.

 

It comes across that you are not naive or stupid enough to really be blaming Facebook or any other external source. It comes across that you know that it is just "stuff" within you that still needs more looking at, and facing, and dealing with, and eliminating from your 'memory bank' and your 'feeling bank' and your 'sense of identity bank'. It's perfectly fine. We let go if and when and how and in whatever framework of time, that we do. We do not have to explain or justify or defend our inner processes.

 

Again, sending you all of what you need...and hugs.

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GirlStillStrong

I've been in a lot of relationships and I have found that the more dysfunctional, narcissistic, and/or sociopathic (that is, character disturbed) the guy is, the longer it takes to get over him. One guy I was with long, long ago took literally decades to get over. Not because I wanted to get back with him or was helplessly in love with him (although I'm sure that's what HE thought), but because I could never be good enough, I just always knew he looked down on me. It took me FOREVER to realize there is something really wrong with him. But once I did, I learned from two other women that they had the same issue with him I did! These are also the same guys who gaslight. I've done a lot of reading on narcissists and sociopaths and they're more common than you think. Google those two terms and read some. George Simon's book "In Sheep's Clothing" helped me immensely.

 

Give yourself time. IDK how old you are but if you're under the age of 40, just know it may take a while to be completely over this whack-job so you just have to be strong and keep yourself occupied until you can get past it.

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This weekend I was cleaning out facebook pics and I came across a pic exMM had commented on 4 years ago. Even though I have him blocked, facebook obviously didn't remove the comment. The comment didn't bother me, it was just the fact i could see his profile pic on the comment he left. It was a new pic so it was like seeing him for the first time in a couple months and everything hit me.

 

Why do I still miss him even though I know he isn't the nice guy I thought he was? I learned ALOT of unsavory things about him as a person but I still don't get why I miss him? Why do I still care about him? Is it just some affair type fog, like putting him on a pedestal? I know he's not that great but I still miss him. When will I be clear of thoughts of him? Also does it depend how long the affair lasted? This process really sucks...

 

The old saying, "out of sight, out of mind" is true. At least, in my experience, it has been true. Sometimes, a picture, a gift someone gave you, hearing a person's voice, all those things can take you right back to where you thought you would never be. You are normal.

 

With the FB thing, it happens. Pictures pop up. Stuff like that happens that you thought you had prevented. You could just as easily run into the guy at the grocery store one day. You could be driving down the road and pass his car. It's just a part of life that you have to come to terms with the fact that he is out there, living his life.

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My sister said it was good thing to be able to see it. So I can actually see he has moved on but I thought this was a form of breaking NC. I'm just venting, I know facebook really isn't to blame. I thought I was doing ok but obviously I am not if a stupid picture can trigger these feelings again...

 

Since you're feeling shi.tty tonight anyway, go through ALL your pictures and delete any likes or comments he has made on your pictures or albums. Sure it might take a bit of time to do, but by deleting everything he has said or liked will be better for you in the near future as that's one less trigger to deal with.

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I've been in a lot of relationships and I have found that the more dysfunctional, narcissistic, and/or sociopathic (that is, character disturbed) the guy is, the longer it takes to get over him. One guy I was with long, long ago took literally decades to get over. Not because I wanted to get back with him or was helplessly in love with him (although I'm sure that's what HE thought), but because I could never be good enough, I just always knew he looked down on me. It took me FOREVER to realize there is something really wrong with him. But once I did, I learned from two other women that they had the same issue with him I did! These are also the same guys who gaslight. I've done a lot of reading on narcissists and sociopaths and they're more common than you think. Google those two terms and read some. George Simon's book "In Sheep's Clothing" helped me immensely.

 

Give yourself time. IDK how old you are but if you're under the age of 40, just know it may take a while to be completely over this whack-job so you just have to be strong and keep yourself occupied until you can get past it.

 

I agree with this. I keep thinking why is it soooo hard to get completely over this guy because he really wasn't all that great and to learn that it's because he is dysfunctional is an eye opener. I have no idea what his issues are or what mental health issues he has going on. I keep explaining it in my head that his attention was OVER the top and I got addicted to it. But I learned from posting my story here that my exMM is actually a very creepy and dysfunctional guy, even more so then other MM. He borderline stalked me and I just thought he really liked me. I didn't get that that level of intensity wasn't healthy, that he wasn't healthy. He had a sick form of love or obsession I didn't really catch onto. And yet I miss him! The fact that I miss someone who has shown me the messed up issues they have really makes me question my own self. It sucks.

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GirlStillStrong

Believe me, I understand.

 

Another thing that might be helpful to you for me to share about myself is that I tended to put guys on a pedestal. Thought they were smarter than me or knew some secret about life I did not know. IDK why I was that way but it took a long time to figure out I was doing this. It's much harder to let go of someone when you have them on a pedestal. If girls and women only knew just how clueless men really are... but I digress.

 

Another thing is, try to shift your focus onto your self and growing you. Search for the source of your pain, but look within. What are you doing that is causing you pain? And then teach yourself to stop doing that. Then, get involved in another relationship. Relationships are for helping you grow. Maybe this guy was meant to bring you so much pain that you needed to learn about the different kinds of manipulators out there, so that you can avoid them in the future.

 

Find that place where you are supposed to grow into next. Keep your hopes and dreams in the forefront of your mind. Always. Focus on what you want, not what you don't want or what makes you unhappy. And certainly not on some loser married guy who uses people for his own gratification (don't we have enough of those kind of guys already??) Ask and the universe will deliver.

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Believe me, I understand.

 

Another thing that might be helpful to you for me to share about myself is that I tended to put guys on a pedestal. Thought they were smarter than me or knew some secret about life I did not know. IDK why I was that way but it took a long time to figure out I was doing this. It's much harder to let go of someone when you have them on a pedestal. If girls and women only knew just how clueless men really are... but I digress.

 

Another thing is, try to shift your focus onto your self and growing you. Search for the source of your pain, but look within. What are you doing that is causing you pain? And then teach yourself to stop doing that. Then, get involved in another relationship. Relationships are for helping you grow. Maybe this guy was meant to bring you so much pain that you needed to learn about the different kinds of manipulators out there, so that you can avoid them in the future.

 

Find that place where you are supposed to grow into next. Keep your hopes and dreams in the forefront of your mind. Always. Focus on what you want, not what you don't want or what makes you unhappy. And certainly not on some loser married guy who uses people for his own gratification (don't we have enough of those kind of guys already??) Ask and the universe will deliver.

 

Thank you :) I really want to look at this as a lesson...a big lesson a lot of different levels.

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AlwaysGrowing
Believe me, I understand.

 

Another thing that might be helpful to you for me to share about myself is that I tended to put guys on a pedestal. Thought they were smarter than me or knew some secret about life I did not know. IDK why I was that way but it took a long time to figure out I was doing this. It's much harder to let go of someone when you have them on a pedestal. If girls and women only knew just how clueless men really are... but I digress.

 

Another thing is, try to shift your focus onto your self and growing you. Search for the source of your pain, but look within. What are you doing that is causing you pain? And then teach yourself to stop doing that. Then, get involved in another relationship. Relationships are for helping you grow. Maybe this guy was meant to bring you so much pain that you needed to learn about the different kinds of manipulators out there, so that you can avoid them in the future.

 

Find that place where you are supposed to grow into next. Keep your hopes and dreams in the forefront of your mind. Always. Focus on what you want, not what you don't want or what makes you unhappy. And certainly not on some loser married guy who uses people for his own gratification (don't we have enough of those kind of guys already??) Ask and the universe will deliver.

 

I can't even articulate how much I disagree that relationships are for helping you to grow. Not that one can't learn something from a positive or negative relationship.

 

Wouldn't looking for a relationship to help one, be exactly what "some loser married guy who uses people for his own gratification"' has DONE?

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GirlStillStrong
I can't even articulate how much I disagree that relationships are for helping you to grow. Not that one can't learn something from a positive or negative relationship.

 

Wouldn't looking for a relationship to help one, be exactly what "some loser married guy who uses people for his own gratification"' has DONE?

I don't understand what you are saying.

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