Men: Does online dating affect your confidence?

[sillyanswer]

You cant even just stsrt a conversation and see how it goes, because there is so much emphasis on the female to reject the male at the first opportunity. Okay the opening line might be a bit mundane but Im sure some of the best relationships the world have seen has started on a foundation of "hey, whats up?"

 

Yes, that is one of the problems with the format. A profile (the pics and the words) clearly doesn't give a complete view of someone, and if what you've presented doesn't catch the eye of the woman you wrote to then you don't get a chance to dazzle her with your conversational skills or whatever comes next.

 

If you meet someone face-to-face you can go straight for the conversation, and they can hear your voice, see your body language etc, but there are 'features' missing from the meet-someone-in-public method of trying to get a date, too: there's no little box floating over their face telling you that they like cats but hate dogs or that they live 50 miles away and play netball or that they have a PhD in Flower Arranging.

 

For people who think it's the combination of features (or lack of features) of online dating, or the other people who participate in it, that are the barriers to success then the solution is simple: stop using online dating. A more complex solution could be to try a dating site that has different features or a different audience: some let you record a voice message, or a video message, eHarmony has what they call 'guided communication' for those who don't want to start with a freeform email, some people suggest that 'paid for' sites have fewer timewasters than the free sites, some sites cater for specific niche groups of people (eg Fitness Singles, JDate) etc

[Targetlock]

Sadly it can affect my confidence, especially many messages not getting responded makes me feel unwanted and invisible and it makes me think is it me? do women not want me or something?

 

But then i bounce back, must be the hopeless romantic in me i guess in order to succeed one must first try, and if in doubt try again or try something new i guess.

[DRStone]

I have never had the confidence to approach women IRL so OLD was a way or trying to build my confidence and put myself out there... So far (If you read my recent post "At a loss") I have had a 3/100 response rate which lead to pretty much nothing, affected my confidence more than anything and will not be speaking to women IRL for a very long time now!

[AD1980]

I tried old once because I'm pretty shy at approaching women so I thought Maybe women were attracted to me I just wasn't approaching

 

Old I got no messages back from the ones I sent and got one or two messages from obese women looking for ons

 

So yeah old made me feel even worse and confirmed how unattractive iam

[Danda]

I think it's probably worth noting that some of us women are just not really good at making conversation lol. I can't remember what site it was anymore, but I was briefly on an online dating type site several years ago, and dear lord I was bad at trying to talk to guys.

 

I'm not sure if this is a human thing, a woman thing or a me thing, but I just base so much of how I 'feel out' a person on stuff other than details like eye color or haircut or the actual words coming out of their mouth (not that I don't pay attention to the words, but the same phrase can come across sooo many different ways, as an example, when said in person).

 

I would get messages from say 10 different guys, and there wasn't really a whole lot making them stand out from each other unless I could find reasons about their profiles to delete or choose some of them, but even that felt kind of silly because so what if we have totally different interests, might still be chemistry.

 

But at the same time I don't really have whatever it takes to keep up 10+ different meaningful conversations at the same time.

 

Plus what the heck to say? I'd get messages like, "Hey what's up?" and my brain would be like, "Nothing much, reading your message." lol

 

Rarely a guy put some effort into his message and would comment on something showing that he did read my profile stuff, but then I'd still find it stumping and awkward to try to do a conversation.

 

So again I don't know if this is a me thing or if it is common, but it's just way different when I am getting to know someone in person. Online feels so detached and awkward for me. I have one online friend, and we are pretty close, but we actually talk in Ventrilo/Skype so there is at least a natural feel to the conversation. We actually laugh instead of type "lol" to convey that humor probably would have been at that point or something.

 

So if you try online dating and don't get very many or any responses it might have to do with you, sure, but my guess is that it's very likely that a lot of women just stare at their exploded inbox not really knowing what to do and feeling rather half-hearted about it, even if your message was all articulate and thoughtful and whatnot.

 

Or maybe I'm just stupidly socially awkward, who knows.

[gaius]

I'm not a man but OLD really shook my confidence. I felt more rejected through that process then I ever did IRL.

It's a very inorganic way of starting something with someone that's for sure. There you end up feeling rejected while here you get stalked because it's a much better conduit for displaying who you are.

 

I don't think OLD ever made me feel rejected. I've put enough effort into developing my talking to women skills that I can usually get a response when I want one. It's really a skill like any other that you have to develop sometimes. Do you feel rejected the first time you get in a car and you don't really know how to drive? And besides, there's a million reasons a woman might not respond to you that have nothing whatsoever to do with you. Or actually end up being a compliment. Take Leighs ignoring hot guys thread for example.

[serial muse]

I think it's probably worth noting that some of us women are just not really good at making conversation lol. I can't remember what site it was anymore, but I was briefly on an online dating type site several years ago, and dear lord I was bad at trying to talk to guys.

 

I'm not sure if this is a human thing, a woman thing or a me thing, but I just base so much of how I 'feel out' a person on stuff other than details like eye color or haircut or the actual words coming out of their mouth (not that I don't pay attention to the words, but the same phrase can come across sooo many different ways, as an example, when said in person).

 

I would get messages from say 10 different guys, and there wasn't really a whole lot making them stand out from each other unless I could find reasons about their profiles to delete or choose some of them, but even that felt kind of silly because so what if we have totally different interests, might still be chemistry.

 

But at the same time I don't really have whatever it takes to keep up 10+ different meaningful conversations at the same time.

 

Plus what the heck to say? I'd get messages like, "Hey what's up?" and my brain would be like, "Nothing much, reading your message." lol

 

Rarely a guy put some effort into his message and would comment on something showing that he did read my profile stuff, but then I'd still find it stumping and awkward to try to do a conversation.

 

So again I don't know if this is a me thing or if it is common, but it's just way different when I am getting to know someone in person. Online feels so detached and awkward for me. I have one online friend, and we are pretty close, but we actually talk in Ventrilo/Skype so there is at least a natural feel to the conversation. We actually laugh instead of type "lol" to convey that humor probably would have been at that point or something.

 

So if you try online dating and don't get very many or any responses it might have to do with you, sure, but my guess is that it's very likely that a lot of women just stare at their exploded inbox not really knowing what to do and feeling rather half-hearted about it, even if your message was all articulate and thoughtful and whatnot.

 

Or maybe I'm just stupidly socially awkward, who knows.

 

This is a really interesting point. I know it's not helpful to guys who are struggling to send out lots of messages to hear this sort of thing, and it's probably really annoying, but...I think there's a lot of truth to it. The whole thing can be pretty awkward and I do think a lot of women, particularly those who aren't super extroverted anyway, are a bit flummoxed by it. I certainly had my share of experiences of looking at my inbox, and feeling overwhelmed without much information on how to respond to total strangers who weren't unattractive but were kind of...vague and not very distinguishable one from the other, with no idea what really to say or how to have a genuine conversation with this person, and just sort of...punting. "I'll respond tomorrow."

 

So perhaps the one thing that guys can take away from this is the idea that it's not so black and white - that it's not so much a rejection of "you" as it is an inevitable awkwardness in the system. Women can be bad at this too. I sometimes get the idea here on LS that introverted guys think that all women are extroverts at heart, and so that if they don't respond it's because they made that conscious choice, not that they feel equally awkward.

 

I dunno. Like I said, I'm sure that's not helpful, guys. But...yeah, there's a lot of truth to this.

Edited December 5, 2014 by serial muse

[Danda]

I just figured it was worth mentioning. I don't think it's healthy or rational for guys to perceive every lack of response as actual rejection.

 

I just remember feeling overwhelmed with how many messages were in my inbox sometimes and not being able to actually keep up very many conversations at a time.

 

Part of it was even emotionally overwhelming because I felt bad about it, too. In person I am nothing special and get flirted with maybe 2-3 times a year, but online suddenly I had dozens of guys giving me attention all at once. I'd never really been in that kind of position and it was uncomfortable.

 

I am also definitely an introvert type which is why I was trying online dating in the first place.

 

Some guys were good at making easier for me in that they would ask questions that I could answer, and then I would try to come up with a question in return. But it still felt awkward and detached. I never felt any type of connection (even for the internet) being built with anyone.

 

However compare that to an in person experience I had last year: A cashier at a grocery store was always very chatty with me. I didn't know **** about this guy (hobbies, religion, political views, etc) but from actually interacting with him at least once a week and our personalities seeming to click in some way, I actually looked forward to grocery shopping (haha) and would deliberately pick his lane every time. If he had asked me out I would have said yes.

 

I'm not trying to be super discouraging for guys doing online dating but just trying to explain that in my case I definitely wasn't rejecting guys, exactly. I just didn't really know wtf I was doing and I'm probably not the only one.

[insert_name]

Thanks, its nice to hear some positive reinforcement for us guys as opposed to "its all your fault, you just arent hot enough/doing it right", to which there may be truth but it cant always be the case.

[GemmaUK]

Female here.

 

 

No,, not good on the confidence front.

The reason why is that I get so much hassle or abuse in mails.

 

 

I inspire it by my photos (so I have been told).

I post recent pics, face and body, they're not floozy nor flesh flashing and I have been told that I look like me (we have meets on a site I am on..or used to be on) and everyone recognised me from my pics.

 

 

My flaw is that I look OK apparently and that gains anger from men who are at their wits end with no replies. Then they find me and hate on me.

Therefore they assume I am high maintenance and a biotch type.

I'm not - but I get the angry first mails as if I am.

 

 

There's nothing I can do about that so at times I just avoid OLD as I can't take the hassle.

It was easier when I was younger but has now become so insulting that I just don't want to be there.

No doubt I will try again at some point..maybe..not sure..

I'm 45 now and feeling destined to just be single always.

 

 

IRL is way different and people are smiley and lovely to me - but not online...

[Danda]

Female here.

 

 

No,, not good on the confidence front.

The reason why is that I get so much hassle or abuse in mails.

 

 

I inspire it by my photos (so I have been told).

I post recent pics, face and body, they're not floozy nor flesh flashing and I have been told that I look like me (we have meets on a site I am on..or used to be on) and everyone recognised me from my pics.

 

 

My flaw is that I look OK apparently and that gains anger from men who are at their wits end with no replies. Then they find me and hate on me.

Therefore they assume I am high maintenance and a biotch type.

I'm not - but I get the angry first mails as if I am.

 

 

There's nothing I can do about that so at times I just avoid OLD as I can't take the hassle.

It was easier when I was younger but has now become so insulting that I just don't want to be there.

No doubt I will try again at some point..maybe..not sure..

I'm 45 now and feeling destined to just be single always.

 

 

IRL is way different and people are smiley and lovely to me - but not online...

 

I just wish there was an equal (or at least close) ratio of men to women. I always felt so bad because I was just one woman and yet my inbox would be flooded. I couldn't make everyone feel wanted or worth having long conversations with. And I could tell (like you could tell) that a lot of guys were bitter or depressed. That aspect was just awful. It was also insanely unnatural because the website community was not an accurate representation of actual competition. Like I said, in person in day to day life, I am nothing special and only get hit on a few times a year. 99.9% of guys my age who encounter me do not flirt with me and probably don't give a **** that I don't flirt with them. I don't think any guy should take online dating seriously at all for these reasons. Rather maybe just think of it as extra that could possibly yield fruit but probably won't, and not get worked up over it. Just my personal 2 cents opinion.

[PaperCrane]

It does. Yes indeed.

 

I akin it to when you used to be able to go in with a CV and talk to a manager and shake their hand. You're able to put yourself out there.

 

Now, you send an electronic version and hope the HR person swipes right. The lack of the personal touch makes it feel so mechanic and unnatural.

[SJC2008]

It does on an unconscious level. You may think it doesn't bother you much but all the rejection can't be good for your psyche.

[JohnnyRico]

The first two times I tried online dating I basically had a meltdown at realising how unattractive I was due to the low response rate.

 

The most recent time I was on there (6 months ago until 2 months ago) I had far more success, if anything the results I've had slightly boosted my confidence, despite my response/success rate being basically the same. All I did differently was actually message loads of women (most of the women in my age range and area), rather than messaging some women and claiming to message loads.

 

I should probably add that I'm not exactly looking for a girlfriend (I would be open to it if I met someone I really liked though), more looking for sex (with anyone I find even mildly attractive). The key to this for me has been to just keep messaging women who I find attractive (rather than just the ones I'd want to show off to my friends), while remaining cold to the outcome (its almost as if I think of her as just a profile, not a woman, like its all a game), safe in the knowledge that if I message enough one will find me attractive too. I try not to think about any possible future with a girl or if I like her that much until I've actually met her, as doing so just leads to feelings of rejection and inferiority.